It's been awhile since I posted, I know this. There has just been so much going on, and it's hard to know where to begin after a gap like this.
Today has been weird. I went home for Christmas, but it was an incredibly brief trip. With the new job only three weeks in, I didn't want to take off a bunch of time. Didn't seem like the best way to start, so I left Friday evening and was back in the city by 10:30 this morning. Told you it was brief!
The holidays were good, but as holidays often are, full of nostalgia. Special days like that are hard for me as a singleton, as I'm so used to being with someone for them. Last year I brought the most recent ex home with me for the holiday, and so this year was full of memories of how things were just a year ago. Just a year ago..in some ways it seems so recent, in other ways it feels like an eternity.
As time goes by I realize this is the longest I've been single since I was 18 years old, and at that point I'd never had a relationship. In less than two months I will have been living back on my own for a year, which is crazy to think about. So much has happened in this year, both good and bad. Growing pains, personal revelations and exploration, internal struggles about who I am, what I want, what I deserve.
The people in my romantic past never fully go away. Sometimes I feel like I am being tested by their continued resurgence in my life. Seeing them move on, even if I know we were not a proper match, is incredibly hard. I see their new relationships progressing, and while I know they are deeply flawed, some part of me is jealous. But I try to remind myself that having someone who things are good enough with is not better than being alone and being okay. I don't want to settle anymore. I don't want to make huge accommodations for the inherent broken qualities in people I've dated. I don't want to make excuses for their bad behavior. I want someone who I can embrace completely and with pride. If I can't have that, then let me stay alone.
While my professional life is finally taking shape, and I feel like I am embarking on a career instead of muddling through a job, my personal life remains a muddled and murky place. Honestly, it's been nice to have the job as a productive point of focus. All of my life has been spent either waiting for a relationship or working with every fiber of my being to make an existing one work. I've never put any real effort into anything else. It's been a weird sense of relief to find the bulk of my focus and self-worth these days coming from my professional life instead.
My job makes me feel like I have a purpose. It reminds me how intelligent I am, how far I've come, and how much I'm capable of. I have things to say, I have ideas, and I'm finally in a position where I'm able and willing to speak up about them, and where people who matter will listen. Beyond that, and perhaps most importantly, it proves to me that I am more than just a person who can be in a relationship.
I am more than someone who is too nice to exes who don't deserve it. I am more than someone who gives into impulsive decisions that may burn me emotionally later. I am more than someone who generally feels pretty lost personally in many ways. I am more than the girl who occasionally crushes on people she shouldn't, and I'm more than a source of dating story fodder for my friends.
These days, I take comfort in the security I've found professionally, even if it's still a pretty new feeling for me. It's a place to retreat to when I've let my guard down a little in my personal life and either gotten burned, or realized that maybe this time, I'm the damaged one. It is an escape from my overanalysis and dissection of every single thing around me.
Oh, I have so many other posts in me, things to tell and do that very analysis mentioned above...hopefully I will get to it soon. For now, bedtime.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
So here's the thing...
I'm kind of happy right now. Sure, it's only my second day with the new job under my belt. But DAMN. I'm happy. I love it. I am brand new there, but I already feel like I'm settling in. I know what the hell I'm talking about. I know what I'm doing. I'm not intimidated by anyone. I am knocking some small fears I've had for so long like they're minor distractions. I'm motivated, and confident and EXCITED. I can't remember the last time I've felt so legitimately excited about work. I've had moments before, sure....recognition. Praise. Kudos. Acknowledgement of my skill set and my abilities. I got an absolute ton of it in my last week at work. I had long, professional, equally matched feeling conversations with important people at my now former job at the holiday party, and I felt damn good.
Today the HR Director at my new firm saw me, and she was with several other HR members, and I was with the person I report to, as well as another new hire who was on the office tour as well. The HR Director piped up and told me she'd received a really nice email about me that day from someone at my old firm. Seriously? That is AWESOME. I am eternally grateful to my old firm for all of the opportunities I got there, for all of the relationships I built there, both in terms of friendship and in terms of colleagues and networking.
I got an office, too. I sat it in this morning when I got in, as not many people were in yet. I felt good about my efforts over the last several years, and how much I've changed to get to this point where I am more than okay in this role. I spent all day working my ass off, wanting to do the best I can there, wanting to let them know every day they made the right choice.
I love my friends. I love the firm I just left and so many people there. I love the potential my new job holds. I love that we might get flurries tomorrow. I love how I feel and look in my new dressier work clothes. I love that when I meet people in this office for the first time they've already heard about me, and are excited to meet me, and tell me how excited they are for my ideas.
Things are good, and I earned them, and I deserve them to be good, and I am going to enjoy every single (possibly overworked at times!) second. :-)
Today the HR Director at my new firm saw me, and she was with several other HR members, and I was with the person I report to, as well as another new hire who was on the office tour as well. The HR Director piped up and told me she'd received a really nice email about me that day from someone at my old firm. Seriously? That is AWESOME. I am eternally grateful to my old firm for all of the opportunities I got there, for all of the relationships I built there, both in terms of friendship and in terms of colleagues and networking.
I got an office, too. I sat it in this morning when I got in, as not many people were in yet. I felt good about my efforts over the last several years, and how much I've changed to get to this point where I am more than okay in this role. I spent all day working my ass off, wanting to do the best I can there, wanting to let them know every day they made the right choice.
I love my friends. I love the firm I just left and so many people there. I love the potential my new job holds. I love that we might get flurries tomorrow. I love how I feel and look in my new dressier work clothes. I love that when I meet people in this office for the first time they've already heard about me, and are excited to meet me, and tell me how excited they are for my ideas.
Things are good, and I earned them, and I deserve them to be good, and I am going to enjoy every single (possibly overworked at times!) second. :-)
Friday, November 18, 2011
And exhale.
Well, I can finally officially spill on something big that's been brewing for a few weeks now. It is part of why I have been so distracted/stressed/anxious. I have accepted a new job, and my last day at the current job is December 2nd. I start the new position on Monday, December 5. I am pretty damn excited. It's also scary because I have been at my current employer for nearly 7 years, and there are certain perks to such a long term of residence in one spot. However, comfort and familiarity will get you nowhere in the professional world, so when an opportunity fell into my lap, unsolicited, I gave it a fair assessment and went for it.
I am insanely proud of how well I handled the whole process. I interviewed very well, two interviews total. I met with all the big important people and impressed the hell out of them. They even ceased their second round interviews after meeting with me. :-) They made me an offer the next morning, I counteroffered the next morning, and within half an hour my counteroffer had been accepted. I advocated on my own behalf, negotiated what I wanted and needed and got every thing I asked for. It was a pretty spectacular feeling!
Everyone at my current employer has been so fantastic. They are all very supportive and they understand that the move is in my best interest, as there is no room for advancement here. Our Chief Financial Officer took me out the day I gave notice, and in my last week I have two lunches scheduled, one with my small sub-department and one with the entire bigger department. I am lucky to have spent the last nearly 7 years at such a great company, and I am going to miss everyone and everything I know incredibly, but I know I need to take the next step.
I'd been waiting on the background check to formally clear before I told my news, and it was finalized this morning, and so here I am, sharing my good news with you all. :-)
I am insanely proud of how well I handled the whole process. I interviewed very well, two interviews total. I met with all the big important people and impressed the hell out of them. They even ceased their second round interviews after meeting with me. :-) They made me an offer the next morning, I counteroffered the next morning, and within half an hour my counteroffer had been accepted. I advocated on my own behalf, negotiated what I wanted and needed and got every thing I asked for. It was a pretty spectacular feeling!
Everyone at my current employer has been so fantastic. They are all very supportive and they understand that the move is in my best interest, as there is no room for advancement here. Our Chief Financial Officer took me out the day I gave notice, and in my last week I have two lunches scheduled, one with my small sub-department and one with the entire bigger department. I am lucky to have spent the last nearly 7 years at such a great company, and I am going to miss everyone and everything I know incredibly, but I know I need to take the next step.
I'd been waiting on the background check to formally clear before I told my news, and it was finalized this morning, and so here I am, sharing my good news with you all. :-)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Just breathe
The past couple of months have been so crazy for me. I've been going through a lot of things, including very soaring highs and very hard lows. I've alternately felt very aimless and very set in my path, and sometimes I just fall in the middle somewhere.
Work. Dating. Friendships. Family. Personal goals and personal failures. Successes and mistakes. Self-reproach and self-satisfaction. It's been a weird ride.
I saw my therapist again today. As often happens, in advance I thought maybe I wouldn't have enough to talk about. However, once I got in there, I talked mostly nonstop, often in jumbled, hurried, paragraphs. By the end of the session I realized it...I've barely given myself time to breathe lately.
I've either been legitimately busy with real activities, or my mind has been racing a mile a minute. Mind you, I've also had bouts of plenty of free time. But even in the quiet times, I can't get my brain to settle down.
My attention span has been lacking. I can't focus my thoughts enough to write blog posts like I used to. I've been reading the same (excellent!) book for over a month, which I NEVER do. I can't write in general because I can't sift through everything in my head to glean anything useful out. It's all such a disjointed mess.
I never just sit in the quiet anymore. I don't know how to be quiet right now. I always have the TV on, my ipod on, music on in the car. My phone is always buzzing with emails and texts and IMs or I'm surfing online or playing on Facebook or otherwise entangled. I go to bed with the TV on until I'm near sleep, I keep a notebook on my nightstand not for impulsive creative thoughts, but in case I think of something I need to do or take care of.
My mind doesn't know how to rest anymore. I don't know how to just sit quietly, disconnected, by myself. I feel like I always have to be doing something or talking to someone or worrying about the next thing. Silence panics me.
Yesterday my day felt off. All day through. I knew why, too. Compared to a normal day, I was interacting with far fewer people via text and IM and email. My phone wasn't ringing like usual, or buzzing constant alerts. I felt invisible most of the day and night. I actually felt forgotten, missed, ignored. The break wasn't welcomed, it was a reason to feel upset. I went to bed feeling off kilter because of it.
My therapist encouraged me to take a minute to just pay attention to my breathing. She had me do it right there and then, in our session. The silence was deafening. Ten seconds in and I was thinking about how I felt dumb, worrying about the things we'd been discussing, consciously fretting that I was wasting my valuable therapy session just breathing.
"I have a picture to give you, too. Here is a forties photograph of a woman that I found in last Sunday’s paper. She is seated on the grass, wearing a suit and a hat, her purse centered in her lap. She is smiling, but her eyes ache, and behind her, I know this, her hands are clenched. She can’t relax. She has forgotten the grass. I kept staring at her, thinking, this is me. Checking my purse three times for keys before I leave the house. Stacking mail in order of the size of the envelopes. Answering the phone every single time it rings, writing “paper towels” on the grocery list the second after I use the last one. I too have forgotten the grass. But I used to do one-handed cartwheels and then collapse into it for the fine sight of the blades close up. And there was no sense of any kind of time. And I was not holding in my stomach or thinking what does my opinion mean to others. I was not regretting any part of myself. There was only sun-rich color, and smell, and the slight give of the soft earth beneath me. My mind was in my heart, anchored like a bright kite in a safe place ."-Elizabeth Berg, The Pull of the Moon
I too have forgotten the grass. But I want and need to remember it again. I have to figure out how to let myself breathe again.
Work. Dating. Friendships. Family. Personal goals and personal failures. Successes and mistakes. Self-reproach and self-satisfaction. It's been a weird ride.
I saw my therapist again today. As often happens, in advance I thought maybe I wouldn't have enough to talk about. However, once I got in there, I talked mostly nonstop, often in jumbled, hurried, paragraphs. By the end of the session I realized it...I've barely given myself time to breathe lately.
I've either been legitimately busy with real activities, or my mind has been racing a mile a minute. Mind you, I've also had bouts of plenty of free time. But even in the quiet times, I can't get my brain to settle down.
My attention span has been lacking. I can't focus my thoughts enough to write blog posts like I used to. I've been reading the same (excellent!) book for over a month, which I NEVER do. I can't write in general because I can't sift through everything in my head to glean anything useful out. It's all such a disjointed mess.
I never just sit in the quiet anymore. I don't know how to be quiet right now. I always have the TV on, my ipod on, music on in the car. My phone is always buzzing with emails and texts and IMs or I'm surfing online or playing on Facebook or otherwise entangled. I go to bed with the TV on until I'm near sleep, I keep a notebook on my nightstand not for impulsive creative thoughts, but in case I think of something I need to do or take care of.
My mind doesn't know how to rest anymore. I don't know how to just sit quietly, disconnected, by myself. I feel like I always have to be doing something or talking to someone or worrying about the next thing. Silence panics me.
Yesterday my day felt off. All day through. I knew why, too. Compared to a normal day, I was interacting with far fewer people via text and IM and email. My phone wasn't ringing like usual, or buzzing constant alerts. I felt invisible most of the day and night. I actually felt forgotten, missed, ignored. The break wasn't welcomed, it was a reason to feel upset. I went to bed feeling off kilter because of it.
My therapist encouraged me to take a minute to just pay attention to my breathing. She had me do it right there and then, in our session. The silence was deafening. Ten seconds in and I was thinking about how I felt dumb, worrying about the things we'd been discussing, consciously fretting that I was wasting my valuable therapy session just breathing.
"I have a picture to give you, too. Here is a forties photograph of a woman that I found in last Sunday’s paper. She is seated on the grass, wearing a suit and a hat, her purse centered in her lap. She is smiling, but her eyes ache, and behind her, I know this, her hands are clenched. She can’t relax. She has forgotten the grass. I kept staring at her, thinking, this is me. Checking my purse three times for keys before I leave the house. Stacking mail in order of the size of the envelopes. Answering the phone every single time it rings, writing “paper towels” on the grocery list the second after I use the last one. I too have forgotten the grass. But I used to do one-handed cartwheels and then collapse into it for the fine sight of the blades close up. And there was no sense of any kind of time. And I was not holding in my stomach or thinking what does my opinion mean to others. I was not regretting any part of myself. There was only sun-rich color, and smell, and the slight give of the soft earth beneath me. My mind was in my heart, anchored like a bright kite in a safe place ."-Elizabeth Berg, The Pull of the Moon
I too have forgotten the grass. But I want and need to remember it again. I have to figure out how to let myself breathe again.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
This Girl Can't Focus
I am super distracted. I'm at work and I can't focus on work at all. Luckily I don't have a ton of work on my desk, nor anything particularly pressing, so my scattered disposition today isn't too much of a crisis.
I have a lot going on in my head right now, so it's kind of handy that I have my final free counseling session with my therapist today. We're doing a wrap up of our sessions since I returned and deciding if I want to continue. If I do, it will likely just be a couple more times this calendar year since I've already met my deductible, LOL.
It has been an eventful couple of weeks, with lots of things circling around, and hopefully soon all of it will settle down and I'll be able to talk more freely about these things. Right now I just need to keep my stuff in check so I don't get overwhelmed!
I have a lot going on in my head right now, so it's kind of handy that I have my final free counseling session with my therapist today. We're doing a wrap up of our sessions since I returned and deciding if I want to continue. If I do, it will likely just be a couple more times this calendar year since I've already met my deductible, LOL.
It has been an eventful couple of weeks, with lots of things circling around, and hopefully soon all of it will settle down and I'll be able to talk more freely about these things. Right now I just need to keep my stuff in check so I don't get overwhelmed!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Slacker
I have been such a blogging slacker lately. Partially it's because I have been insanely busy, but I think it's also that I've just had too much sloshing around in my head and I couldn't find a way to organize it neatly.
Dating. It's going. Better than it has in awhile, but that doesn't require much. ;-) Tonight I go on Date #3 with the gentleman I will refer to as Maryland. I am driving out to him because he drove out to me last weekend, and it only seems fair. I'm not particularly excited, as I've discovered that I don't really enjoy driving around Maryland (the state, LOL) because I'm still hugely unfamiliar with it, and it seems to involve a lot of construction and detours and other such madness.
I have many tentative plans for the weekend, but I have to be honest...I'm kind of hoping most of them fall through. I need a break. I need time to get some sleep. To do laundry. To clean up my apartment, run errands, watch football and DVR. I need time to just be on my own. I'm hoping to get together with a girlfriend who is in town Saturday/Sunday. I spend entirely too much time with guys! Most of my friends I talk to most frequently in the area are men, and that's fine and dandy, but sometimes you just need a break.
I'm doing okay, though. Gotten to bed a little earlier the last few nights, which is nice. Thinking about taking off work early today to go home and relax a little before my long night of driving and dating. The idea of bonding with my couch for a bit is hugely appealing!
Anyway, that's my boring Friday update. Will try to do a more noteworthy post this weekend perhaps!
Dating. It's going. Better than it has in awhile, but that doesn't require much. ;-) Tonight I go on Date #3 with the gentleman I will refer to as Maryland. I am driving out to him because he drove out to me last weekend, and it only seems fair. I'm not particularly excited, as I've discovered that I don't really enjoy driving around Maryland (the state, LOL) because I'm still hugely unfamiliar with it, and it seems to involve a lot of construction and detours and other such madness.
I have many tentative plans for the weekend, but I have to be honest...I'm kind of hoping most of them fall through. I need a break. I need time to get some sleep. To do laundry. To clean up my apartment, run errands, watch football and DVR. I need time to just be on my own. I'm hoping to get together with a girlfriend who is in town Saturday/Sunday. I spend entirely too much time with guys! Most of my friends I talk to most frequently in the area are men, and that's fine and dandy, but sometimes you just need a break.
I'm doing okay, though. Gotten to bed a little earlier the last few nights, which is nice. Thinking about taking off work early today to go home and relax a little before my long night of driving and dating. The idea of bonding with my couch for a bit is hugely appealing!
Anyway, that's my boring Friday update. Will try to do a more noteworthy post this weekend perhaps!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Still around
I'm still here, following the blogs of others, ignoring my own. :-) I'm doing much better. Saw my therapist Monday, going back again Tuesday of next week. Joined a gym and have actually gone! Making lots of plans with different friends trying to remember to keep my horizons broad and interesting. I am really looking forward to the next several days. I foresee lots of scary movies and Halloween shows, pumpkin carving, seed roasting, haunted housing, and general holiday merriment. There will be brunches and lunches and maybe a date in there somewhere.
This week I am texting someone new, talking to someone else new, and trying to keep it all in perspective. It's entertaining for the time being, but nothing to hang a ton of expectations on.
I'm proud of myself for taking control again. I've been keeping up better with things around the apartment, trying to take better care of myself. I also have some other things in the works, but those shall remain unidentified until I sort them out. Rest assured that they are good things, though, nothing bad lurking there.
National Novel Writing Month starts Tuesday. I have not yet brainstormed a single plot idea, but I hope to. October is almost over, and October inspires me. Fall inspires me. We'll see what I can come up with!
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm still here, and I'm doing okay. :-)
This week I am texting someone new, talking to someone else new, and trying to keep it all in perspective. It's entertaining for the time being, but nothing to hang a ton of expectations on.
I'm proud of myself for taking control again. I've been keeping up better with things around the apartment, trying to take better care of myself. I also have some other things in the works, but those shall remain unidentified until I sort them out. Rest assured that they are good things, though, nothing bad lurking there.
National Novel Writing Month starts Tuesday. I have not yet brainstormed a single plot idea, but I hope to. October is almost over, and October inspires me. Fall inspires me. We'll see what I can come up with!
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm still here, and I'm doing okay. :-)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Remix in progress
So, I'm feeling a lot better today. After my little breakdown sunday night, I got a little more focused about what I needed to do to get myself out of this slump. I was still a big, emotional mess yesterday, don't get me wrong. I was in one of those places where anyone asking me how I was or if I was okay sent me teetering on the verge of tears. Just what you want at work!
However, in spite of this, I was productive. Very productive. I got the several lingering practical tasks off of my list of things to do, of which I'd finally made a new version. I did them all in quick succession in one of our phone rooms here at work, and bam, 10 minutes later I was done. I also made an appointment for Monday with my old therapist. It was the earliest appointment she had, but I figure it will be good to give myself a week to recalibrate on my own and see where I stand. I get three sessions free through my work's employee assistance program, so I may as well take advantage.
Last night R came over and I had cooked us dinner. Chicken sauteed with garlic and other seasonings plus broccoli, green beans, red peppers and zucchini, all over jasmine rice. It was so good to have a real meal, cooked by me, and I have leftovers for tonight. Score! R and I watched Monday Night Football and just hung out, and it was nice.
After he left, I played a little with my online dating site because really, in spite of what I say, I never quite give up. I've encountered more than a couple oversexed jerks lately, but I guess that's bound to happen sometimes. I talked to a couple of nice enough guys, but nothing super magical, and I logged off eventually. I do admit I stayed up too late last night, but again, that's also bound to happen on occasion. Overall I've been doing a little better getting to bed earlier.
Tonight I'm going to check out a couple of gyms. I need that physical outlet, but I also need to find one that's affordable, preferably without locking me into some long contract. I know, I know, but a girl can dream. We'll see. R also invited me over for a movie night, but that depends on how efficient I am with my other must-do tasks!
Anyway, just wanted to check in. Yesterday's post was pretty gloom and doom, and while everything is not perfect, things do feel better today.
However, in spite of this, I was productive. Very productive. I got the several lingering practical tasks off of my list of things to do, of which I'd finally made a new version. I did them all in quick succession in one of our phone rooms here at work, and bam, 10 minutes later I was done. I also made an appointment for Monday with my old therapist. It was the earliest appointment she had, but I figure it will be good to give myself a week to recalibrate on my own and see where I stand. I get three sessions free through my work's employee assistance program, so I may as well take advantage.
Last night R came over and I had cooked us dinner. Chicken sauteed with garlic and other seasonings plus broccoli, green beans, red peppers and zucchini, all over jasmine rice. It was so good to have a real meal, cooked by me, and I have leftovers for tonight. Score! R and I watched Monday Night Football and just hung out, and it was nice.
After he left, I played a little with my online dating site because really, in spite of what I say, I never quite give up. I've encountered more than a couple oversexed jerks lately, but I guess that's bound to happen sometimes. I talked to a couple of nice enough guys, but nothing super magical, and I logged off eventually. I do admit I stayed up too late last night, but again, that's also bound to happen on occasion. Overall I've been doing a little better getting to bed earlier.
Tonight I'm going to check out a couple of gyms. I need that physical outlet, but I also need to find one that's affordable, preferably without locking me into some long contract. I know, I know, but a girl can dream. We'll see. R also invited me over for a movie night, but that depends on how efficient I am with my other must-do tasks!
Anyway, just wanted to check in. Yesterday's post was pretty gloom and doom, and while everything is not perfect, things do feel better today.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Epiphany
I think I've realized why I attract the broken toys, at long last. It's because I, myself, am a broken toy. At least I feel like one lately.
I am so disillusioned. I am tired of bad dates with boring people. I am tired of people who don't respect my time enough to show up for things when they say they will. I am tired of people who blow off plans with me, or hedge their bets to see if they get any better offers before committing.
I'm over douchebags on those dating sites who have the nerve to ask me if they can crash on my couch after a first date (before we've even had said first date). I'm over "friends" who are the first to jump on me for any perceived slight, but who are totally oblivious to the complete rudness and thoughtlessness they inflict on me frequently.
Lately I have just felt tired. I got blown off by half a dozen people Saturday night, and I ended up staying home, watching TV, and crawling into bed at 10:30. This is UNHEARD OF for me. I was asleep before 11pm. I woke up at 9:30 in the morning, was awake for maybe 3-4 hours before spending most of the afternoon sleeping. Did I mention I'm just tired?
My life is all wrong lately. I'm finding myself back at that point where my friendships feel one-sided, I can't find someone sane to date to save my life, and I just feel lost, directionless, aimless. I've felt rather depressed lately, honestly. It's a chore to do the things I need to do, and all I really want to do is stay home and lay around, or sleep. I'm just so tired and my mind is jumbled all the time. I can't even organize myself enough to make a list of things to do, which is something I've always done to an insane degree.
I cried for about an hour last night to my mom about all of this. How lost I feel. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have no energy, no motivation. I felt somewhat better at the end of the convo, and we talked about things I need to do to get me out of this place. I've done it before, I've pulled myself up and out from worse situations. I will do it again.
Things I'm going to do:
Look into joining a gym again. I desperately need a good physical outlet, and my current way of dealing with my stress is to just drive and drive aimlessly. Fine on occasion, but not a good long term solution. I need some way to get rid of all this excess nervous energy I get sometimes.
See about meeting up with my old therapist again. I need a talking outlet, a good unbiased one who will tell me the hard truths.
I made a list of things to do, finally. It was a small start. Also, today I have a goal of taking care of 3 lingering issues I've been avoiding (practical life stuff that's just seemed like too much work). Tonight R is coming over and I'm cooking dinner and I will NOT lay like a lump by myself for 6 hours or cry in the shower.
Something has to give.
I am so disillusioned. I am tired of bad dates with boring people. I am tired of people who don't respect my time enough to show up for things when they say they will. I am tired of people who blow off plans with me, or hedge their bets to see if they get any better offers before committing.
I'm over douchebags on those dating sites who have the nerve to ask me if they can crash on my couch after a first date (before we've even had said first date). I'm over "friends" who are the first to jump on me for any perceived slight, but who are totally oblivious to the complete rudness and thoughtlessness they inflict on me frequently.
Lately I have just felt tired. I got blown off by half a dozen people Saturday night, and I ended up staying home, watching TV, and crawling into bed at 10:30. This is UNHEARD OF for me. I was asleep before 11pm. I woke up at 9:30 in the morning, was awake for maybe 3-4 hours before spending most of the afternoon sleeping. Did I mention I'm just tired?
My life is all wrong lately. I'm finding myself back at that point where my friendships feel one-sided, I can't find someone sane to date to save my life, and I just feel lost, directionless, aimless. I've felt rather depressed lately, honestly. It's a chore to do the things I need to do, and all I really want to do is stay home and lay around, or sleep. I'm just so tired and my mind is jumbled all the time. I can't even organize myself enough to make a list of things to do, which is something I've always done to an insane degree.
I cried for about an hour last night to my mom about all of this. How lost I feel. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have no energy, no motivation. I felt somewhat better at the end of the convo, and we talked about things I need to do to get me out of this place. I've done it before, I've pulled myself up and out from worse situations. I will do it again.
Things I'm going to do:
Look into joining a gym again. I desperately need a good physical outlet, and my current way of dealing with my stress is to just drive and drive aimlessly. Fine on occasion, but not a good long term solution. I need some way to get rid of all this excess nervous energy I get sometimes.
See about meeting up with my old therapist again. I need a talking outlet, a good unbiased one who will tell me the hard truths.
I made a list of things to do, finally. It was a small start. Also, today I have a goal of taking care of 3 lingering issues I've been avoiding (practical life stuff that's just seemed like too much work). Tonight R is coming over and I'm cooking dinner and I will NOT lay like a lump by myself for 6 hours or cry in the shower.
Something has to give.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Off.
Discombobulated. Askew. Awry. Off kilter. Out of whack. Wrong.
Everything feels like such a chaotic, aimless, disorganized mess right now. I told a friend last week that I have been feeling like each day I wake up, and someone has taken all the parts of my life, put them in a box, shaken them up, and dumped them out haphazardly. There is no rhyme or reason to anything, just a different sense of disorder each day.
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, and I have no purpose, no goals, nothing I'm working towards. There is not a single thing I care enough about to invest any measure of time or effort in. I can't focus long enough to get anywhere. I have been struggling to read a very easy read of a book, I just don't care. I'm normally a person who goes through books like crazy, and I've been trying to read this stupidly light book for two weeks now. I can't focus enough to come up with anything to write about.
I skip from Facebook to LJ to blogs to IM to texting to TV to sleeping to just laying around doing absolutely nothing, feeling tired. I am running myself down by staying up too late for no reason, I am exhausting myself emotionally by continually testing my own personal boundaries. I am muddled and lost and I don't know how to fix it.
I know logically there are things I should do. I should get back into working out. It will give me more energy, give me a productive outlet for the jumble of things in my head. I should start getting to bed earlier, start winding down sooner, get into better bedtime habits. I should drink more water, fewer sugary coffee drinks. Eat more fruits and veggies and fish, snack less. Force myself to sit down and either read or write for an hour each day, just to give my mind decompression time. Be more social instead of hiding.
I hid most of the weekend. I ran errands on my own friday night, turning down an invite to hang with R. Saturday I slept in, woke for a couple hours, then napped off and on all day. I watched football that night, after again turning down an invite to hang with R. I went to the grocery store at 11:30pm because I decided I wanted to make chili, which I did that night when I got back.
Sunday.....I ran more errands. Solo. No invites to do anything, and I would have turned them down anyway. I watched football and DVR when I wasn't out running around. Got about 15% of the apartment chores done that needed to be done. I just couldn't bring myself to bother. I felt lazy.
Monday. I finally got out of the house. Met a friend for lunch and hung out for a couple hours. Lazy few hours at home in the afternoon. Coffee date at 6:30 that lasted until about 9. Hung out with a friend for a few hours after. Mission accomplished: A social day.
Why do I feel so blah lately? I'm so tired of feeling so untethered. I feel so unattached to things. Sure, I was finally social Monday, but when I think about doing that all the time...Ugh. I'd rather just go home and be on my own. I guess maybe this is just a phase, but I do know I need to do something about it. I just feel off.
I need to create a new routine. One that's better for me. And in addition to the new routine, I need to do some things that are out of the routine, but still good for me. Meet some new people, hang out with someone different. Go on a day trip just to do it, even if I'm on my own. That might be a good solo thing to try. I just need something MORE.
Everything feels like such a chaotic, aimless, disorganized mess right now. I told a friend last week that I have been feeling like each day I wake up, and someone has taken all the parts of my life, put them in a box, shaken them up, and dumped them out haphazardly. There is no rhyme or reason to anything, just a different sense of disorder each day.
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, and I have no purpose, no goals, nothing I'm working towards. There is not a single thing I care enough about to invest any measure of time or effort in. I can't focus long enough to get anywhere. I have been struggling to read a very easy read of a book, I just don't care. I'm normally a person who goes through books like crazy, and I've been trying to read this stupidly light book for two weeks now. I can't focus enough to come up with anything to write about.
I skip from Facebook to LJ to blogs to IM to texting to TV to sleeping to just laying around doing absolutely nothing, feeling tired. I am running myself down by staying up too late for no reason, I am exhausting myself emotionally by continually testing my own personal boundaries. I am muddled and lost and I don't know how to fix it.
I know logically there are things I should do. I should get back into working out. It will give me more energy, give me a productive outlet for the jumble of things in my head. I should start getting to bed earlier, start winding down sooner, get into better bedtime habits. I should drink more water, fewer sugary coffee drinks. Eat more fruits and veggies and fish, snack less. Force myself to sit down and either read or write for an hour each day, just to give my mind decompression time. Be more social instead of hiding.
I hid most of the weekend. I ran errands on my own friday night, turning down an invite to hang with R. Saturday I slept in, woke for a couple hours, then napped off and on all day. I watched football that night, after again turning down an invite to hang with R. I went to the grocery store at 11:30pm because I decided I wanted to make chili, which I did that night when I got back.
Sunday.....I ran more errands. Solo. No invites to do anything, and I would have turned them down anyway. I watched football and DVR when I wasn't out running around. Got about 15% of the apartment chores done that needed to be done. I just couldn't bring myself to bother. I felt lazy.
Monday. I finally got out of the house. Met a friend for lunch and hung out for a couple hours. Lazy few hours at home in the afternoon. Coffee date at 6:30 that lasted until about 9. Hung out with a friend for a few hours after. Mission accomplished: A social day.
Why do I feel so blah lately? I'm so tired of feeling so untethered. I feel so unattached to things. Sure, I was finally social Monday, but when I think about doing that all the time...Ugh. I'd rather just go home and be on my own. I guess maybe this is just a phase, but I do know I need to do something about it. I just feel off.
I need to create a new routine. One that's better for me. And in addition to the new routine, I need to do some things that are out of the routine, but still good for me. Meet some new people, hang out with someone different. Go on a day trip just to do it, even if I'm on my own. That might be a good solo thing to try. I just need something MORE.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Wow. I actually am learning.
The guy I posted about from last week....I thought that since I hadn't heard from him since the Wednesday debacle, he was going to be the one person who didn't come back to me. I was wrong.
Tonight around 11:15, I got a call while I was on the phone with my mom. I looked to see who it was and saw his name on the caller ID. In spite of my mom's protests, I told her I would call her back after I took this call.
He sounded like his old self. The one I'd spoken to on the phone for hours upon hours. The one I spent an evening video chatting with. The one I'd confided in, who'd confided in me. The one I was fiercely attracted to. I was not my normal self in the call. I was more clipped. He said "It's INSERT NAME HERE." I said I knew, my caller ID had told me as much. He joked "What, it didn't say Mr. Wonderful?" NO.
He asked how I had been. I said I was good. I asked how he was. He told me he was still getting over being sick. He told me he'd missed talking to me, and that he'd been thinking about me for the last couple of days. I said something like "Hmm" or "Ahh." He again asked how I was doing.
"I don't think we are a good match." That's what I told him then. Miniscule moment of silence, and then he said "Ok", and I said "Ok" and he said goodbye.
So there it was. For the first time in my life, I saw the red flags and cut it off before I got entangled. I stood up for what was best for me. I didn't explain myself at length, I didn't cry, I didn't justify. I just directly told him the bottom line: we were not a good match.
My instincts retroactively yearned to have explained. To have told him exactly why. But you know what? He knows why. In all those hours of conversation, I told him about my past relationships. My patterns I was trying hard to break. What I was NOT looking for. How I was going to try to get involved in something good for me for once. He knew all of that. And even still, he acted out. He lived down to exactly what I am trying to avoid. He definitively showed me that he is another person who is not ready for an adult relationship. Another person who is not ready for me and what I have to offer.
In spite of myself, I do feel bad. I felt very weird and discombobulated after the call because I've honestly never addressed something so directly and honestly, before it hurt me deeply. I've never cut something negative off at the pass like that.
It was hard seeing his name come up on caller ID because for a split second, I got that happy rush I associated with the old version of him, pre Wednesday. I was excited to see his name. And when I picked up, he sounded like his old self. Cheerful, funny, sweet. And I wanted so badly to just be able to accept that and move forward.
But I couldn't. I know better now, like it or not. I know that those red flags would come back. I know that these good moments would not last, and that eventually he'd hurt me again, or disappoint me, or show me I was wrong to forgive him so easily. I saw the future with this person, and it was like a carbon copy of past relationships that went wrong.
The sad thing is that I still think he is a good person. I don't hate him. Deep down, and someday, I hope that the good I saw in him will come out and be appreciated. But right now it's all mixed up with the bad. Right now it is in hiding and he doesn't know how to deal with it, and I can't be the one to fix it. I can't be the one to convince him how good he is, how worthwhile he is. I can't be the one who bears the brunt of his frustration with the world because I'm the only one he really lets in. It's not fair to me. It never was.
I know I hurt him. But he hurt me, and I did nothing to deserve it. And then he called me days later and an apology was never offered. That should have been the first thing out of his mouth. But it wasn't, and that just proves again that this is another person who can't see past themselves just yet. Another person to whom I would be second fiddle to. An afterthought. Someone to emotionally drain and take advantage of without giving anything back.
I did the right thing tonight. I am proud of myself. I finally have some tangible proof that I am starting to learn from my mistakes.
But it still hurts. It is still disappointing. It's still hard. But I did it.
Tonight around 11:15, I got a call while I was on the phone with my mom. I looked to see who it was and saw his name on the caller ID. In spite of my mom's protests, I told her I would call her back after I took this call.
He sounded like his old self. The one I'd spoken to on the phone for hours upon hours. The one I spent an evening video chatting with. The one I'd confided in, who'd confided in me. The one I was fiercely attracted to. I was not my normal self in the call. I was more clipped. He said "It's INSERT NAME HERE." I said I knew, my caller ID had told me as much. He joked "What, it didn't say Mr. Wonderful?" NO.
He asked how I had been. I said I was good. I asked how he was. He told me he was still getting over being sick. He told me he'd missed talking to me, and that he'd been thinking about me for the last couple of days. I said something like "Hmm" or "Ahh." He again asked how I was doing.
"I don't think we are a good match." That's what I told him then. Miniscule moment of silence, and then he said "Ok", and I said "Ok" and he said goodbye.
So there it was. For the first time in my life, I saw the red flags and cut it off before I got entangled. I stood up for what was best for me. I didn't explain myself at length, I didn't cry, I didn't justify. I just directly told him the bottom line: we were not a good match.
My instincts retroactively yearned to have explained. To have told him exactly why. But you know what? He knows why. In all those hours of conversation, I told him about my past relationships. My patterns I was trying hard to break. What I was NOT looking for. How I was going to try to get involved in something good for me for once. He knew all of that. And even still, he acted out. He lived down to exactly what I am trying to avoid. He definitively showed me that he is another person who is not ready for an adult relationship. Another person who is not ready for me and what I have to offer.
In spite of myself, I do feel bad. I felt very weird and discombobulated after the call because I've honestly never addressed something so directly and honestly, before it hurt me deeply. I've never cut something negative off at the pass like that.
It was hard seeing his name come up on caller ID because for a split second, I got that happy rush I associated with the old version of him, pre Wednesday. I was excited to see his name. And when I picked up, he sounded like his old self. Cheerful, funny, sweet. And I wanted so badly to just be able to accept that and move forward.
But I couldn't. I know better now, like it or not. I know that those red flags would come back. I know that these good moments would not last, and that eventually he'd hurt me again, or disappoint me, or show me I was wrong to forgive him so easily. I saw the future with this person, and it was like a carbon copy of past relationships that went wrong.
The sad thing is that I still think he is a good person. I don't hate him. Deep down, and someday, I hope that the good I saw in him will come out and be appreciated. But right now it's all mixed up with the bad. Right now it is in hiding and he doesn't know how to deal with it, and I can't be the one to fix it. I can't be the one to convince him how good he is, how worthwhile he is. I can't be the one who bears the brunt of his frustration with the world because I'm the only one he really lets in. It's not fair to me. It never was.
I know I hurt him. But he hurt me, and I did nothing to deserve it. And then he called me days later and an apology was never offered. That should have been the first thing out of his mouth. But it wasn't, and that just proves again that this is another person who can't see past themselves just yet. Another person to whom I would be second fiddle to. An afterthought. Someone to emotionally drain and take advantage of without giving anything back.
I did the right thing tonight. I am proud of myself. I finally have some tangible proof that I am starting to learn from my mistakes.
But it still hurts. It is still disappointing. It's still hard. But I did it.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Progress
If you tell me you're not a good person, I'm going to believe you.
If you tell me you are not nice, I will trust you are telling the truth.
If you show me you are not worth my time, that you are too broken, I will heed your warning.
I'm finally listening to what the world is telling me.
If you tell me you are not nice, I will trust you are telling the truth.
If you show me you are not worth my time, that you are too broken, I will heed your warning.
I'm finally listening to what the world is telling me.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Honestly?
Right now, in this moment, I want to just give up. Oops, I did it again. My radar for finding the most broken toy in the box did not fail me. I've invested HOURS and HOURS with this latest individual. I'm not exaggerating when I say that last week we spent probably 15 hours on the phone, for time periods of 2 to 5 hours at a time. Fifteen hours. Then we met on Friday night, and I was so happy because at long last, I found someone I clicked with intellectually and physically.
Cut to today, wednesday (technically thursday now) and he showed his crazy flag. He's just as broken as the rest of them have been. Maybe more so, or maybe he just showed me how screwed up he was so early that it felt more significant. I feel so many different things right now.
I'm pissed. Why the hell do I keep picking people like this? What is innately wrong with me that I gravitate towards this bullshit?
I'm disappointed. I allowed myself to get my hopes up, and they got smashed into smithereens again.
I'm sad. Hurt. Frustrated. I can't believe I did this again. I keep reminding myself that at least I found out early this time. I saw the red flags and I'm heeding them. At least there is growth in the midst of my own completely screwed up process.
I should have known it was too good to be true.
Cut to today, wednesday (technically thursday now) and he showed his crazy flag. He's just as broken as the rest of them have been. Maybe more so, or maybe he just showed me how screwed up he was so early that it felt more significant. I feel so many different things right now.
I'm pissed. Why the hell do I keep picking people like this? What is innately wrong with me that I gravitate towards this bullshit?
I'm disappointed. I allowed myself to get my hopes up, and they got smashed into smithereens again.
I'm sad. Hurt. Frustrated. I can't believe I did this again. I keep reminding myself that at least I found out early this time. I saw the red flags and I'm heeding them. At least there is growth in the midst of my own completely screwed up process.
I should have known it was too good to be true.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Too much
I'm overdue for an update. Last week wrapped up as a very busy week, and I was incredibly grateful for the happy hour I had with co-workers Friday night. I definitely needed the break, the social side of things, and the laughter. After happy hour, the girls of the group went to get dinner together, which was a great way to cap off the evening. I got a nice, pleasant buzz and headed home on my merry way.
This weekend I saw the ex. I was out in his area to pick something up from my dog's old vet office, and he had something of mine, so we met up in a Target parking lot (seriously) for me to get it. I won't lie, it was awkward. I hadn't seen him since March when we broke up, and I kept thinking of all that had transpired since then. He gave me a hug upon seeing me, which felt incredibly awkward, and I said as much. He seemed surprised that I thought it was awkward, but I don't believe it wasn't a little bit the same for him. We managed to chat for about 20 minutes and things felt easier.
He's very strange about his new girlfriend. All I know is that she's hugely insecure and threatened by pretty much the entire population of women, in particular me. I don't know why..he loved me, but we were never right. Either way, he's super cagey about her and seems reticent to talk about it beyond the surface, which is fair. I asked if she was living with him yet and he got very strange, so I'm assuming that answer is yes, but I can't figure out why it matters. I don't want him back. He feels no issue asking me about my life, why can't I do the same?
This week at work, and the end of last, has been very hectic. We are insanely busy and I've felt very overwhelmed and a bit like I'm drowning. I've worked through my lunch a couple of times because we are in a time crunch, but I know that's not good for me...it makes me a little insane when the workload and stress levels are this high.
I had acupuncture last night, and it was one of those nights where some of the needles HURT, in particular the ones she did for carpal tunnel. As soon as she left the room, leaving me in the cool darkness, tears sprung to my eyes and rolled passively down my cheeks. Sometimes that happens. It's like she taps into everything going on inside of me and those needles act like a release. It was just a brief moment of tears, but after that I finally settled into a deep relaxation, and I think I may have actually fallen asleep. When she came in mid way to check on me, I woke up, but I think I did it again after she left. I needed that.
I was feeling a bit aimless after my appointment. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go to R's like I'd considered doing. I ended up contacting my ex-H, whom I'm friends with again for these last several months. I went to his apartment and we watched the Redskins game, and it was nice to just hang out with someone and not have to try to be anything or do anything. Sometimes I just get so tired of everyone either pawing at me or making sexual innuendo or even flirting with me...I just want to be left alone and talked to like a normal person. I don't always want to flirt or play. Luckily, and oddly, hanging out with my ex-H is a guaranteed way to get that break, and I'm thankful for it.
I still need to do a brief boy update, but that will have to be another post, as the workload on my desk is calling.
This weekend I saw the ex. I was out in his area to pick something up from my dog's old vet office, and he had something of mine, so we met up in a Target parking lot (seriously) for me to get it. I won't lie, it was awkward. I hadn't seen him since March when we broke up, and I kept thinking of all that had transpired since then. He gave me a hug upon seeing me, which felt incredibly awkward, and I said as much. He seemed surprised that I thought it was awkward, but I don't believe it wasn't a little bit the same for him. We managed to chat for about 20 minutes and things felt easier.
He's very strange about his new girlfriend. All I know is that she's hugely insecure and threatened by pretty much the entire population of women, in particular me. I don't know why..he loved me, but we were never right. Either way, he's super cagey about her and seems reticent to talk about it beyond the surface, which is fair. I asked if she was living with him yet and he got very strange, so I'm assuming that answer is yes, but I can't figure out why it matters. I don't want him back. He feels no issue asking me about my life, why can't I do the same?
This week at work, and the end of last, has been very hectic. We are insanely busy and I've felt very overwhelmed and a bit like I'm drowning. I've worked through my lunch a couple of times because we are in a time crunch, but I know that's not good for me...it makes me a little insane when the workload and stress levels are this high.
I had acupuncture last night, and it was one of those nights where some of the needles HURT, in particular the ones she did for carpal tunnel. As soon as she left the room, leaving me in the cool darkness, tears sprung to my eyes and rolled passively down my cheeks. Sometimes that happens. It's like she taps into everything going on inside of me and those needles act like a release. It was just a brief moment of tears, but after that I finally settled into a deep relaxation, and I think I may have actually fallen asleep. When she came in mid way to check on me, I woke up, but I think I did it again after she left. I needed that.
I was feeling a bit aimless after my appointment. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go to R's like I'd considered doing. I ended up contacting my ex-H, whom I'm friends with again for these last several months. I went to his apartment and we watched the Redskins game, and it was nice to just hang out with someone and not have to try to be anything or do anything. Sometimes I just get so tired of everyone either pawing at me or making sexual innuendo or even flirting with me...I just want to be left alone and talked to like a normal person. I don't always want to flirt or play. Luckily, and oddly, hanging out with my ex-H is a guaranteed way to get that break, and I'm thankful for it.
I still need to do a brief boy update, but that will have to be another post, as the workload on my desk is calling.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
life remixed
I love remixes. Many of my very favorite songs are remixes of an original. They keep the best elements of the song, and add in new and unusual elements, and often times end up with something quite spectacular. Familiar, but not.
I need a life remix. The summer of wild and impulsive decisions ends on Friday with the commencement of the autumn season. It was good while it lasted, and I'm glad I got to spend the summer doing exactly what I wanted, with no accountability to anyone. Yes, I made some mistakes. I let certain things go on past their expiration date. I trampled a little bit on my own dignity at times. I made a fool of myself. But you know what? I'm grateful for all of it. Every single up and down. I lived this summer. I made a big stride in getting a better sense of my own limits, and who I am at the very core of things.
I didn't always know what I wanted or who I was. But sometimes I discovered things by learning what I did NOT want, who I was NOT. I shouldn't be surprised...it's always easier for me to tell someone what I don't want to eat than to figure out what I do want to eat. What movie I don't want to see versus what one I do. I work backwards that way, I guess!
I cried a lot this weekend. I cry entirely too much. I know this. But it was such a weird weekend. So draining. Friday was good. I went to a movie with B-Day Guy, who I am officially renaming R. Yup, just R. Saturday I made chili and brownies, which was good. I got into a big argument with a friend that day as well. Not good. I went to a friend's going away party and then hung out with R for a couple of hours. Good. Back at home, ArtBoy and I engaged in what would be our final conversation, and I cried a lot. Not good.
Sunday was brunch and a drive on a beautiful day. Good. Got home to watch football and got an email from an online dating guy I'd had plans with for the week, who was cancelling because his old girlfriend is coming back to town, and it wouldn't be fair to meet me while things are still unfinished. Not good. I finished the day over at R's, watching football, talking and feeling better about things. Good.
I've been in kind of a down place lately. Jaded by the dating business. Hurt/confused/exhausted by the ArtBoy situation. With ArtBoy, I willfully dropped my standards so low in so many ways, and I accepted behavior from him that I wouldn't let anyone else get away with. That interaction was so, so dysfunctional. Closing the book on that chapter of my life was the right thing to do. But it was hard.
I had to get a push to do it. He ignored me for three days and when he came back, he did so with a completely inappropriate request, while at the same time couching said request with the information that it was sparked by "this girl he was with". Yeah, so that was that. I told him I was done with this. Within half an hour I deleted him off Facebook and Gmail. I had to. I didn't want to, but I had to. I am not built to deal with someone like that.
Anyway. I'm okay right now. It still makes me sad. The online dating site I met him at still occasionally populates with his picture and profile as a suggestion of a match, I quickly change pages. Google+ still keeps suggesting I add him because he still has me in his Circles on there. Honestly, I don't know if I even register enough in his life for him to have noticed he got cut from these things. Really I guess it doesn't matter.
So, my life. In need of a reboot. A remix. Even if I remain perpetually single for awhile, I will be just fine. I can take care of myself, and I am so grateful to have R to hang out with and talk to. He lives so close by and it's so nice to have that outlet, that place to go when I need a hug. He has turned out to be an amazing, totally unexpected friend. He treats me the way I deserve to be treated, and the way I should hold future boyfriends accountable to treating me.
I don't deserve to be blown off. Disrespected. Spoken to like I am a whore. Condsescended to. I don't deserve to give endlessly and get nothing in return.
Bring on the life remix.
I need a life remix. The summer of wild and impulsive decisions ends on Friday with the commencement of the autumn season. It was good while it lasted, and I'm glad I got to spend the summer doing exactly what I wanted, with no accountability to anyone. Yes, I made some mistakes. I let certain things go on past their expiration date. I trampled a little bit on my own dignity at times. I made a fool of myself. But you know what? I'm grateful for all of it. Every single up and down. I lived this summer. I made a big stride in getting a better sense of my own limits, and who I am at the very core of things.
I didn't always know what I wanted or who I was. But sometimes I discovered things by learning what I did NOT want, who I was NOT. I shouldn't be surprised...it's always easier for me to tell someone what I don't want to eat than to figure out what I do want to eat. What movie I don't want to see versus what one I do. I work backwards that way, I guess!
I cried a lot this weekend. I cry entirely too much. I know this. But it was such a weird weekend. So draining. Friday was good. I went to a movie with B-Day Guy, who I am officially renaming R. Yup, just R. Saturday I made chili and brownies, which was good. I got into a big argument with a friend that day as well. Not good. I went to a friend's going away party and then hung out with R for a couple of hours. Good. Back at home, ArtBoy and I engaged in what would be our final conversation, and I cried a lot. Not good.
Sunday was brunch and a drive on a beautiful day. Good. Got home to watch football and got an email from an online dating guy I'd had plans with for the week, who was cancelling because his old girlfriend is coming back to town, and it wouldn't be fair to meet me while things are still unfinished. Not good. I finished the day over at R's, watching football, talking and feeling better about things. Good.
I've been in kind of a down place lately. Jaded by the dating business. Hurt/confused/exhausted by the ArtBoy situation. With ArtBoy, I willfully dropped my standards so low in so many ways, and I accepted behavior from him that I wouldn't let anyone else get away with. That interaction was so, so dysfunctional. Closing the book on that chapter of my life was the right thing to do. But it was hard.
I had to get a push to do it. He ignored me for three days and when he came back, he did so with a completely inappropriate request, while at the same time couching said request with the information that it was sparked by "this girl he was with". Yeah, so that was that. I told him I was done with this. Within half an hour I deleted him off Facebook and Gmail. I had to. I didn't want to, but I had to. I am not built to deal with someone like that.
Anyway. I'm okay right now. It still makes me sad. The online dating site I met him at still occasionally populates with his picture and profile as a suggestion of a match, I quickly change pages. Google+ still keeps suggesting I add him because he still has me in his Circles on there. Honestly, I don't know if I even register enough in his life for him to have noticed he got cut from these things. Really I guess it doesn't matter.
So, my life. In need of a reboot. A remix. Even if I remain perpetually single for awhile, I will be just fine. I can take care of myself, and I am so grateful to have R to hang out with and talk to. He lives so close by and it's so nice to have that outlet, that place to go when I need a hug. He has turned out to be an amazing, totally unexpected friend. He treats me the way I deserve to be treated, and the way I should hold future boyfriends accountable to treating me.
I don't deserve to be blown off. Disrespected. Spoken to like I am a whore. Condsescended to. I don't deserve to give endlessly and get nothing in return.
Bring on the life remix.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Reasons Why
"Why should you delete him? Because he's not right for you, and frankly on an emotional scale he is beneath you both in friendship and love."
The above is advice from a good friend.
It is advice I followed. Enough is enough.
The above is advice from a good friend.
It is advice I followed. Enough is enough.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Downloading the random
In the midst of a workday where I am sifting through any number of undesirable projects to be completed, my mind is jumbled with random thoughts. I give them to this blog.
Lately, I've had fleeting thoughts of giving up on dating men and just pursuing Adele. Yeah, the singer. The one with the deliciously layered, soulful voice. The one whose lyrics speak to me in the way that only the best kind do, where it feels like the words are about your life, your heart, your experiences. Brilliant. Turns out Adele is only 23, so I'd be kind of a cougar in my pursuit of her, but honestly, wouldn't it be worth the scandal? I liked a couple of her songs as they came out, but recently have become quite obsessed with her albums. So yeah, Adele? Brilliant.
Two nights ago, in preparation for my plans that got cancelled last night, I spent a fair amount of my evening on primping. I took a bath and shaved my legs, I washed and straightened my hair, I painted my nails. I got an outfit ready, had thoughts on jewelry, and pondered the right perfume and makeup. I spent yesterday morning anticipating said plans, but all the while feeling a little tinge of fear that they would fall through. Fall through they did, around 2pm. Disappointing. So I was all sparkly and smooth and delightful for no reason. A girlfriend pointed out that I should just consider it in terms of doing things for myself, to feel good about myself. Hmm. Yeah, except that if I'd know those plans would fall through, I would have just left my damn hair curly.
I went out to lunch yesterday with the girlfriend mentioned above. I got this Italian Turkey Club panini, and I am still thinking about this sandwich. Proscuitto is my new favorite thing. I need to get back to Wegmans this weekend to pick some up, along with some of their deli turkey, some provolone cheese and some genoa salami. And bread, LOL. All of these things together make for a very delicious sandwich. This time perhaps I shall try it on my Foreman grill, to pretend it is like a panini at home. Why yes, I did just write a paragraph about a sandwich. What of it?
Got a free ten minute seated massage yesterday at work as part of the firm's Health Fair. It was lovely and relaxing. Got conned into a consult at the office of said vendor, lured in by the promise of a free 30 minute massage. The Dr. asserts with great confidence that he can do wonders for migraines. Hell, I'll try anything. The consult and massage are free because of their partnership with my firm, so I'm willing to give it a shot. Not dating anyone, so may as well have a stranger give me human contact, LOL. Kidding!! Mostly.
My mind is tired. I feel like I need a nap. It's a good thing I don't have any plans tonight. All I did last night was run one quick errand, but I feel like I mentally exhausted myself with my pity party. Tonight I must find a way to legitimately relax.
Lately, I've had fleeting thoughts of giving up on dating men and just pursuing Adele. Yeah, the singer. The one with the deliciously layered, soulful voice. The one whose lyrics speak to me in the way that only the best kind do, where it feels like the words are about your life, your heart, your experiences. Brilliant. Turns out Adele is only 23, so I'd be kind of a cougar in my pursuit of her, but honestly, wouldn't it be worth the scandal? I liked a couple of her songs as they came out, but recently have become quite obsessed with her albums. So yeah, Adele? Brilliant.
Two nights ago, in preparation for my plans that got cancelled last night, I spent a fair amount of my evening on primping. I took a bath and shaved my legs, I washed and straightened my hair, I painted my nails. I got an outfit ready, had thoughts on jewelry, and pondered the right perfume and makeup. I spent yesterday morning anticipating said plans, but all the while feeling a little tinge of fear that they would fall through. Fall through they did, around 2pm. Disappointing. So I was all sparkly and smooth and delightful for no reason. A girlfriend pointed out that I should just consider it in terms of doing things for myself, to feel good about myself. Hmm. Yeah, except that if I'd know those plans would fall through, I would have just left my damn hair curly.
I went out to lunch yesterday with the girlfriend mentioned above. I got this Italian Turkey Club panini, and I am still thinking about this sandwich. Proscuitto is my new favorite thing. I need to get back to Wegmans this weekend to pick some up, along with some of their deli turkey, some provolone cheese and some genoa salami. And bread, LOL. All of these things together make for a very delicious sandwich. This time perhaps I shall try it on my Foreman grill, to pretend it is like a panini at home. Why yes, I did just write a paragraph about a sandwich. What of it?
Got a free ten minute seated massage yesterday at work as part of the firm's Health Fair. It was lovely and relaxing. Got conned into a consult at the office of said vendor, lured in by the promise of a free 30 minute massage. The Dr. asserts with great confidence that he can do wonders for migraines. Hell, I'll try anything. The consult and massage are free because of their partnership with my firm, so I'm willing to give it a shot. Not dating anyone, so may as well have a stranger give me human contact, LOL. Kidding!! Mostly.
My mind is tired. I feel like I need a nap. It's a good thing I don't have any plans tonight. All I did last night was run one quick errand, but I feel like I mentally exhausted myself with my pity party. Tonight I must find a way to legitimately relax.
Wallowing, a sport for one
Did you know that last night I had a major pity party for myself? It was festive! There were tears, unbearable coughing fits that left my abdomen and back aching, a pitiful hot shower in the dark, more tears (shed over a bowl of pasta I begrudgingly ate at 9pm), and the capper, me in sweatpants and a hoodie, curled up on the couch like the loneliest, saddest girl in the world. I went to bed without watching TV, and I cried some more, and I coughed some more. It was PATHETIC.
Nope, I'm not hormonal, just lame. Happens to the best of us, I guess!
I had plans with someone and they bailed late in the afternoon. Just cause, but it was still disappointing. Then B-Day Guy. He had a date last night, and had told me in advance that he was going to come by after. Well, the date ended up going way better than he expected, and so he didn't come by. He did call, and we talked, but I spent the conversation feeling sorry for myself. He goes on ONE DATE, the first he's been on in ages, and has an awesome time, and I go on twenty and they all suck. WTF?
Then he ended the call abruptly and told me he'd call me back, which he never did. I texted him and teased him (half joking, anyway) that I saw how he was, one good date and he abandoned me. He told me he'd call me tomorrow (today) and that we'd hang out tonight, and that he'd rented Thor.
1) I will not watch Thor.
2) I don't want a pity hang. :-)
This was pretty late, so I just didn't reply. To sleep I went! He texted me this morning and told me to call him at work, but I'm not interested in doing that, so I'm not.
I'm bummed because even though I don't want to date B-Day Guy myself, I have really enjoyed hanging out with him so much, and I know that if he keeps dating this person that will change. Also, I remain slightly scornful at his luck!
Beyond that, I had plans with a couple of girlfriends for Sunday, and they fell through, so that was disappointing. I did make alternate plans, which is all fine and good, but I'd been looking forward to catching up with the original people, so it wasn't quite the same.
Honestly, I'm kind of fed up with myself right now. I don't know what I want. I'm very quick to dismiss all of the people I've gone on dates with, I get hung up on people I shouldn't, I want to be single, but I don't. I am a directionless mess!
I went on a date Sunday, not even worth thinking of a nickname because it didn't go anywhere and won't. Talking to a few more people, but I barely care. Lately I'm just very discouraged and that's why I hadn't been on a date in over a month. I just expect it to suck, and it does. Everyone is perfectly nice, blah blah blah, but that's just not enough. I know enough nice people!
Anyway, I woke up on time this morning (overslept yesterday) and my cough felt a little better. As I showered, I thought about how ridiculously I behaved last night and was kind of annoyed by myself. As I've written this post, though, I've realized that I've not quite gotten rid of all of the gloominess and cynicism. I guess I just need to let it be and hopefully the day will swing upwards soon.
Work is really busy, and I have an awesome work event to look forward to tomorrow night, so that's exciting. I will take what I can get!
I sign off, the gloomiest, most pathetic girl in the world (at least last night). :-)
Nope, I'm not hormonal, just lame. Happens to the best of us, I guess!
I had plans with someone and they bailed late in the afternoon. Just cause, but it was still disappointing. Then B-Day Guy. He had a date last night, and had told me in advance that he was going to come by after. Well, the date ended up going way better than he expected, and so he didn't come by. He did call, and we talked, but I spent the conversation feeling sorry for myself. He goes on ONE DATE, the first he's been on in ages, and has an awesome time, and I go on twenty and they all suck. WTF?
Then he ended the call abruptly and told me he'd call me back, which he never did. I texted him and teased him (half joking, anyway) that I saw how he was, one good date and he abandoned me. He told me he'd call me tomorrow (today) and that we'd hang out tonight, and that he'd rented Thor.
1) I will not watch Thor.
2) I don't want a pity hang. :-)
This was pretty late, so I just didn't reply. To sleep I went! He texted me this morning and told me to call him at work, but I'm not interested in doing that, so I'm not.
I'm bummed because even though I don't want to date B-Day Guy myself, I have really enjoyed hanging out with him so much, and I know that if he keeps dating this person that will change. Also, I remain slightly scornful at his luck!
Beyond that, I had plans with a couple of girlfriends for Sunday, and they fell through, so that was disappointing. I did make alternate plans, which is all fine and good, but I'd been looking forward to catching up with the original people, so it wasn't quite the same.
Honestly, I'm kind of fed up with myself right now. I don't know what I want. I'm very quick to dismiss all of the people I've gone on dates with, I get hung up on people I shouldn't, I want to be single, but I don't. I am a directionless mess!
I went on a date Sunday, not even worth thinking of a nickname because it didn't go anywhere and won't. Talking to a few more people, but I barely care. Lately I'm just very discouraged and that's why I hadn't been on a date in over a month. I just expect it to suck, and it does. Everyone is perfectly nice, blah blah blah, but that's just not enough. I know enough nice people!
Anyway, I woke up on time this morning (overslept yesterday) and my cough felt a little better. As I showered, I thought about how ridiculously I behaved last night and was kind of annoyed by myself. As I've written this post, though, I've realized that I've not quite gotten rid of all of the gloominess and cynicism. I guess I just need to let it be and hopefully the day will swing upwards soon.
Work is really busy, and I have an awesome work event to look forward to tomorrow night, so that's exciting. I will take what I can get!
I sign off, the gloomiest, most pathetic girl in the world (at least last night). :-)
Friday, September 2, 2011
An Unintentional Compliment is Still a Compliment
Last night I hung out with BirthdayGuy. For the record, I really wish I'd given him a better nickname because that one is just stupid, but I never thought he'd keep popping up like he has!
Anyway, Wednesday night we went on an un-date to see a movie together. We had a good time and I feel very comfortable with him and he makes me laugh. Last night he went to the Redskins game, and came over after. We basically just hung out and talked, and we ended up having a really interesting discussion.
Since we started hanging out more, BirthdayGuy has made a big point to tell me not to fall for him, don't like him, we aren't going to date, etc., etc. It's become a running joke between us, but lately the continuing barrage of the same sentiment has grown old, so I mentioned it. I then asked him, for the sake of curiosity, why he was so vehemently against dating me. I noted that I wasn't asking because that's what I wanted, but because I was puzzled about why it was so important for him to make that point over and over.
After a lot of inarticulate blathering, which is interesting because he's very intelligent and well spoken generally, he told me that a) he likes the friendship we have and doesn't want to ruin it and b) he likes to date people he can see marrying, and he doesn't know if he would marry me.
I had to laugh. I wasn't offended in the slightest, I was just intrigued. I asked why. The first thing he said was, "You are very strong-willed." I asked him to elaborate, and he continued on to say that I am very stubborn, possibly more so than him. (NOTE: We'd just had a verbal sparring session that lasted probably 10 minutes over the pronunciation of a certain word. I'd lobbied for my opinion intensely and told him that it must have been sad for him to be so wrong, LOL.)
Since we were being honest, I told him that I understood, and that I couldn't probably ever date him because he'd made it very clear that he does not get the idea of being friends with exes. He is very bothered by the fact that I'm friends with some of mine, and this is from the stance of someone whom I'm not even dating. He agreed that this was true, and it would have been an issue for him. However, he also understood my logic, which is that my last relationship was with someone who thought I could be just friends with no man, and wanted to isolate me from all the men I knew. I'd explained to him that in the 6 months I've been single, I've re-embraced my own personal freedom of choice, and that I was not going to sacrifice that again just because someone tells me to.
So it was a very direct and honest and fascinating conversation, and I feel like I finally understand BirthdayGuy a little better now, and hopefully he will feel less inclined to repeatedly tell me not to fall in lvoe with him. I also pointed out that I found it a little bit insulting that so many men assume that just because I flirt with them and enjoy spending time with them, that I have or will fall madly, illogically in love with them. NOT TRUE!
I have to say, though, the best part of that whole conversation for me was something that didn't get a ton of specific discussion. The fact that he identified me as strong-willed...I don't know why, but that felt like a glowing, awesome compliment. Truly. It makes me feel like he sees me as a strong individual in general, someone who sticks to her beliefs and opinions no matter what, and who advocates for herself.
My relationship with the Ex made me so insecure, and I was at the lowest point I'd ever been by the end of it. I had so little self-confidence, and no one in their right minds would have looked at me and described me as strong-willed. I was a pushover. Spineless. Naive. I got walked over routinely and basically asked for more by sticking around in spite of it.
Now I know that some people hear strong-willed and think it's a nice way of saying bitch, or bossy or demanding. But the fact is that when I hear that characteristic attributed to me, from someone who sort of knows me, but doesn't know me completely, I feel proud. I feel good. I feel like I am finally putting out a healthier, better vibe into the universe. I hope it sticks around, and I hope that it helps me attract the people and the energy that can appreciate my strength, and value the person it makes me.
Strong-willed, indeed. :-)
Anyway, Wednesday night we went on an un-date to see a movie together. We had a good time and I feel very comfortable with him and he makes me laugh. Last night he went to the Redskins game, and came over after. We basically just hung out and talked, and we ended up having a really interesting discussion.
Since we started hanging out more, BirthdayGuy has made a big point to tell me not to fall for him, don't like him, we aren't going to date, etc., etc. It's become a running joke between us, but lately the continuing barrage of the same sentiment has grown old, so I mentioned it. I then asked him, for the sake of curiosity, why he was so vehemently against dating me. I noted that I wasn't asking because that's what I wanted, but because I was puzzled about why it was so important for him to make that point over and over.
After a lot of inarticulate blathering, which is interesting because he's very intelligent and well spoken generally, he told me that a) he likes the friendship we have and doesn't want to ruin it and b) he likes to date people he can see marrying, and he doesn't know if he would marry me.
I had to laugh. I wasn't offended in the slightest, I was just intrigued. I asked why. The first thing he said was, "You are very strong-willed." I asked him to elaborate, and he continued on to say that I am very stubborn, possibly more so than him. (NOTE: We'd just had a verbal sparring session that lasted probably 10 minutes over the pronunciation of a certain word. I'd lobbied for my opinion intensely and told him that it must have been sad for him to be so wrong, LOL.)
Since we were being honest, I told him that I understood, and that I couldn't probably ever date him because he'd made it very clear that he does not get the idea of being friends with exes. He is very bothered by the fact that I'm friends with some of mine, and this is from the stance of someone whom I'm not even dating. He agreed that this was true, and it would have been an issue for him. However, he also understood my logic, which is that my last relationship was with someone who thought I could be just friends with no man, and wanted to isolate me from all the men I knew. I'd explained to him that in the 6 months I've been single, I've re-embraced my own personal freedom of choice, and that I was not going to sacrifice that again just because someone tells me to.
So it was a very direct and honest and fascinating conversation, and I feel like I finally understand BirthdayGuy a little better now, and hopefully he will feel less inclined to repeatedly tell me not to fall in lvoe with him. I also pointed out that I found it a little bit insulting that so many men assume that just because I flirt with them and enjoy spending time with them, that I have or will fall madly, illogically in love with them. NOT TRUE!
I have to say, though, the best part of that whole conversation for me was something that didn't get a ton of specific discussion. The fact that he identified me as strong-willed...I don't know why, but that felt like a glowing, awesome compliment. Truly. It makes me feel like he sees me as a strong individual in general, someone who sticks to her beliefs and opinions no matter what, and who advocates for herself.
My relationship with the Ex made me so insecure, and I was at the lowest point I'd ever been by the end of it. I had so little self-confidence, and no one in their right minds would have looked at me and described me as strong-willed. I was a pushover. Spineless. Naive. I got walked over routinely and basically asked for more by sticking around in spite of it.
Now I know that some people hear strong-willed and think it's a nice way of saying bitch, or bossy or demanding. But the fact is that when I hear that characteristic attributed to me, from someone who sort of knows me, but doesn't know me completely, I feel proud. I feel good. I feel like I am finally putting out a healthier, better vibe into the universe. I hope it sticks around, and I hope that it helps me attract the people and the energy that can appreciate my strength, and value the person it makes me.
Strong-willed, indeed. :-)
Packing up the Infatuation Baggage
"we can't be friends
because you like me too much
and we are wrong for each other."
Truly, I have to commemorate these gems from Artboy because he says things no one else would ever say to me. He is a special kind of special.
Let the record show that after this conversation, the one that eventually made me cry, he messaged me again an hour or two later with idle chatter. And the next morning. And last night. And so it goes.
I know everyone thinks I need to block him. Cut him off. Throw him to the wolves for being a jackass. Believe me, I am not denying his jackassery. I am the first in line to speak of it, for I've known it firsthand many times. But at least for now, I'm not going to quit him to that degree.
If I can just retrain my thoughts about him, then chatting with him via IM or text about complete nonsense or just day to day randomness will not be a problem. Maybe it's wrong, but he amuses me generally, and I enjoy puzzling out what he's saying to me because half the time I have to google it to know what he means. He is unlike anyone I've ever met.
I am not actually in love with him.
I am not pining for him.
I am not denying that he has hurt me.
But the bottom line here is that since almost the very beginning, he has been very honest and forthright about what he can give me and who he is. I am the one who turned him into more than that in my own mind. It was the product of a weird infatuation I've had with him. Right now, when I imagine how I will look back on Artboy in the future, I feel like he will be the quirky, moody artistic boy I dated very briefly, then stayed tangled up with for a summer. I feel like he will be, in the tiniest of ways, the one who got away because he couldn't handle what I brought to the table. It's not about me and my lacking, but about him and his.
Maybe in a few months or a year I will look back at this and laugh. Maybe I will be amused at how much I overvalued him, and I will realize that in the end, he was just the moody, artistic, quirky guy I dated briefly. That whatever I felt for him was a product of where I was in my life, what I was ready for, and what I needed at the time. That really, I was never even a little bit in love with him.
It will be what it will be. And for now I will talk to him as I talk to him. However, do know that I will no longer be suggesting we get together. I will no longer be going out of my way to prove my friendship to him. I will no longer be throwing myself at him, or drunk texting him, or enticing him in any way. I do have some measure of pride, somewhere in there.
Perhaps you all think I am naive for my approach. Maybe you just absolutely know that I won't be able to keep the lines, and that I will purposefully or even inadvertently put myself out there again down the line only to get hurt. Maybe you are right. I do have trouble filtering my thoughts to him. I tend to just say exactly what is on my mind. It was liberating for awhile, but at this point clearly all it's done is overexpose my heart to him, and caused him to panic and pull back. So be it. I can't change what I've said and done already, and really, I don't want to.
It's weird. Setting aside the hurt, it feels good to have had that kind of direct honesty with someone. I spend so much time calculating and considering and hypothesizing and just generally overthinking, and with Artboy...pretty much everything I've said in here about him I've said to him. It's true. Was it crazy to do? I don't know, maybe. But it feels good to know that I was totally honest with him about how I felt about him, even if it was to my own detriment.
I'm not going to try to have conversations about how we actually are friends, or why we should or shouldn't date. I'm not going to try to save him from himself, or anything like that. But I'm not going to close the door on him entirely. I am going to put myself to the test. I will not just assume that I am going to fail in this new tactic. I am capable of reframing my attitude about him, and my expectations of him, and that is what I'm going to do.
As of today, September 2nd, Artboy is still a part of my life. His role is shifting and adjusting as I type, but he has not been cut from the cast. He is still there, in the background, intriguing me a little, entertaining me a little, and yes, probably pissing me off a little on occasion. But that is Artboy.
because you like me too much
and we are wrong for each other."
Truly, I have to commemorate these gems from Artboy because he says things no one else would ever say to me. He is a special kind of special.
Let the record show that after this conversation, the one that eventually made me cry, he messaged me again an hour or two later with idle chatter. And the next morning. And last night. And so it goes.
I know everyone thinks I need to block him. Cut him off. Throw him to the wolves for being a jackass. Believe me, I am not denying his jackassery. I am the first in line to speak of it, for I've known it firsthand many times. But at least for now, I'm not going to quit him to that degree.
If I can just retrain my thoughts about him, then chatting with him via IM or text about complete nonsense or just day to day randomness will not be a problem. Maybe it's wrong, but he amuses me generally, and I enjoy puzzling out what he's saying to me because half the time I have to google it to know what he means. He is unlike anyone I've ever met.
I am not actually in love with him.
I am not pining for him.
I am not denying that he has hurt me.
But the bottom line here is that since almost the very beginning, he has been very honest and forthright about what he can give me and who he is. I am the one who turned him into more than that in my own mind. It was the product of a weird infatuation I've had with him. Right now, when I imagine how I will look back on Artboy in the future, I feel like he will be the quirky, moody artistic boy I dated very briefly, then stayed tangled up with for a summer. I feel like he will be, in the tiniest of ways, the one who got away because he couldn't handle what I brought to the table. It's not about me and my lacking, but about him and his.
Maybe in a few months or a year I will look back at this and laugh. Maybe I will be amused at how much I overvalued him, and I will realize that in the end, he was just the moody, artistic, quirky guy I dated briefly. That whatever I felt for him was a product of where I was in my life, what I was ready for, and what I needed at the time. That really, I was never even a little bit in love with him.
It will be what it will be. And for now I will talk to him as I talk to him. However, do know that I will no longer be suggesting we get together. I will no longer be going out of my way to prove my friendship to him. I will no longer be throwing myself at him, or drunk texting him, or enticing him in any way. I do have some measure of pride, somewhere in there.
Perhaps you all think I am naive for my approach. Maybe you just absolutely know that I won't be able to keep the lines, and that I will purposefully or even inadvertently put myself out there again down the line only to get hurt. Maybe you are right. I do have trouble filtering my thoughts to him. I tend to just say exactly what is on my mind. It was liberating for awhile, but at this point clearly all it's done is overexpose my heart to him, and caused him to panic and pull back. So be it. I can't change what I've said and done already, and really, I don't want to.
It's weird. Setting aside the hurt, it feels good to have had that kind of direct honesty with someone. I spend so much time calculating and considering and hypothesizing and just generally overthinking, and with Artboy...pretty much everything I've said in here about him I've said to him. It's true. Was it crazy to do? I don't know, maybe. But it feels good to know that I was totally honest with him about how I felt about him, even if it was to my own detriment.
I'm not going to try to have conversations about how we actually are friends, or why we should or shouldn't date. I'm not going to try to save him from himself, or anything like that. But I'm not going to close the door on him entirely. I am going to put myself to the test. I will not just assume that I am going to fail in this new tactic. I am capable of reframing my attitude about him, and my expectations of him, and that is what I'm going to do.
As of today, September 2nd, Artboy is still a part of my life. His role is shifting and adjusting as I type, but he has not been cut from the cast. He is still there, in the background, intriguing me a little, entertaining me a little, and yes, probably pissing me off a little on occasion. But that is Artboy.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
letting go
Sometimes when a person pushes you away over and over and over again, you eventually have to just listen.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Withdraw, Redirect.
That right there, in my subject line? That's my new game plan. Withdraw and redirect.
I am addicted to someone that I shouldn't be. Someone who, 95% of the time, isn't worthy of my affection or attention. Someone who draws me in every now and again, fierce and strong, barreling past all of my tenuous walls, and makes me believe in him again. Someone who, almost without fail, always lets me down more than usual in the days following those moments. He says things like, "Sometimes it feels like we should be together." Or he tells me that he thinks I'm trying to ruin him for all other women by being so beautiful and good with him. And when I get upset about him being a dick, he says, "Bluemoon (ok, he says my actual name, but you get the idea), don't be upset." And when I ask him why it even matters, why he cares, he says "Don't ask me loaded questions like that."
So I go to sleep alone those nights clutching those words to me like a security blanket. I get caught up in it, and I think that beyond his facade, he really does care about me, really does like me, but he's scared. He's been burned before. I rationalize away all of his previous instances of bad or thoughtless behavior, and I hold steady to the idea that I know the truth in him, and that it matters at all.
Then the cycle starts again. Maybe I got an extra few days of nice before the detachment came this time, but it still came. And suddenly it's like he is fine not talking to me, not seeing me. And all those words that felt so meaningful feel hollow again, and I feel like a naive idiot. Always the fool. Always giving the benefit of the doubt when it's not deserved.
Why can't I get this straight in my head? It's the same concept I've gone over so many times, the same one that I zeroed in on via another blog I love to follow: "I wasn't going to fight for someone who isn't confident in wanting me." When I read that on He Loves Me Not, the words pulled me in, and I recognized myself in them. I wrote them down, wanting to engrave them in my memory, like a shield against my own bad instincts. Clearly, I've fallen down on that job.
When someone is dismissive or detached or just willing to give me idle chatter at best 95% of the time, why the hell am I pining for him?
Because when I'm with him:
I feel like we are the only people in the world.
he makes me feel beautiful and sexy and special
he looks into my eyes and I seriously get dizzy
he puts his hands on my face when he kisses me
I feel like he is a little bit in love with me
I feel like I am a little bit in love with him.
But it's not enough. For awhile I was seeing him every week. Then we went three weeks without seeing each other before spending one spectacular evening together. Tomorrow it will be two weeks again, with no meeting in sight.
I go through the same pattern with him over and over. The distance settles in and I feel hurt. I vow to back off, to let things die off on their own. But as soon as I do, it's like he knows it, and he reaches back out and pulls me back in. This time around, my withdrawl only started yesterday evening. My resolve is not good. I've heard from half a dozen people how I should let him go. How he's not enough. How I deserve better. I know all of this. **I don't need to hear it anymore.** I am trying to figure out how to untangle myself from this, and only I can do it, and only when I'm ready.
I cannot promise that I won't get drawn back in. Even right now, with the reality of all of this staring back at me, a tiny little part of me hopes he will draw me back in. When I'm all the way back in the fold of him, I am happy and warm and I feel like I'm on the verge of something amazing. I feel like I have found this very secret, very well hidden treasure, and I'm almost done unearthing it. In those moments, he is mine and I am his, and it feels so right.
But I am trying. I know it's not healthy for me. I know that there is a possibility that by holding onto him, even in some small way, I am holding myself back from things that are better for me. Things that feel good 95% of the time instead of 5% of the time.
Hence my plan. Withdraw and redirect. Withdraw from him. Stop reaching out. Stop chasing, because let's be honest...that's what I've been doing for the past few days. I get one presumably drunk text telling me he loves me a week and a half ago, and I forget that I have any pride or dignity. I've spent the last too many days reaching out to him. Sure, most of it was just idle conversation, but damn....wtf is wrong with me? I need to knock it off.
So withdraw. I'm not initiating any more contact. What if he contacts me? I don't know. He probably will, if history has anything to say about it. I guess I will deal with that if and when it happens. Maybe I need to go out and get a tattoo of one of these various things on my body somewhere I can't ignore:
Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I wasn't going to fight for someone who wasn't confident in wanting me.
People won’t always know how to treat you. Sometimes you’ll have to teach them.
Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.
If you spend your entire life worrying about being chosen, waiting for someone to make a decision about you, where does that leave you?
OR, more directly:
NO MORE ARTBOY.
I am addicted to someone that I shouldn't be. Someone who, 95% of the time, isn't worthy of my affection or attention. Someone who draws me in every now and again, fierce and strong, barreling past all of my tenuous walls, and makes me believe in him again. Someone who, almost without fail, always lets me down more than usual in the days following those moments. He says things like, "Sometimes it feels like we should be together." Or he tells me that he thinks I'm trying to ruin him for all other women by being so beautiful and good with him. And when I get upset about him being a dick, he says, "Bluemoon (ok, he says my actual name, but you get the idea), don't be upset." And when I ask him why it even matters, why he cares, he says "Don't ask me loaded questions like that."
So I go to sleep alone those nights clutching those words to me like a security blanket. I get caught up in it, and I think that beyond his facade, he really does care about me, really does like me, but he's scared. He's been burned before. I rationalize away all of his previous instances of bad or thoughtless behavior, and I hold steady to the idea that I know the truth in him, and that it matters at all.
Then the cycle starts again. Maybe I got an extra few days of nice before the detachment came this time, but it still came. And suddenly it's like he is fine not talking to me, not seeing me. And all those words that felt so meaningful feel hollow again, and I feel like a naive idiot. Always the fool. Always giving the benefit of the doubt when it's not deserved.
Why can't I get this straight in my head? It's the same concept I've gone over so many times, the same one that I zeroed in on via another blog I love to follow: "I wasn't going to fight for someone who isn't confident in wanting me." When I read that on He Loves Me Not, the words pulled me in, and I recognized myself in them. I wrote them down, wanting to engrave them in my memory, like a shield against my own bad instincts. Clearly, I've fallen down on that job.
When someone is dismissive or detached or just willing to give me idle chatter at best 95% of the time, why the hell am I pining for him?
Because when I'm with him:
I feel like we are the only people in the world.
he makes me feel beautiful and sexy and special
he looks into my eyes and I seriously get dizzy
he puts his hands on my face when he kisses me
I feel like he is a little bit in love with me
I feel like I am a little bit in love with him.
But it's not enough. For awhile I was seeing him every week. Then we went three weeks without seeing each other before spending one spectacular evening together. Tomorrow it will be two weeks again, with no meeting in sight.
I go through the same pattern with him over and over. The distance settles in and I feel hurt. I vow to back off, to let things die off on their own. But as soon as I do, it's like he knows it, and he reaches back out and pulls me back in. This time around, my withdrawl only started yesterday evening. My resolve is not good. I've heard from half a dozen people how I should let him go. How he's not enough. How I deserve better. I know all of this. **I don't need to hear it anymore.** I am trying to figure out how to untangle myself from this, and only I can do it, and only when I'm ready.
I cannot promise that I won't get drawn back in. Even right now, with the reality of all of this staring back at me, a tiny little part of me hopes he will draw me back in. When I'm all the way back in the fold of him, I am happy and warm and I feel like I'm on the verge of something amazing. I feel like I have found this very secret, very well hidden treasure, and I'm almost done unearthing it. In those moments, he is mine and I am his, and it feels so right.
But I am trying. I know it's not healthy for me. I know that there is a possibility that by holding onto him, even in some small way, I am holding myself back from things that are better for me. Things that feel good 95% of the time instead of 5% of the time.
Hence my plan. Withdraw and redirect. Withdraw from him. Stop reaching out. Stop chasing, because let's be honest...that's what I've been doing for the past few days. I get one presumably drunk text telling me he loves me a week and a half ago, and I forget that I have any pride or dignity. I've spent the last too many days reaching out to him. Sure, most of it was just idle conversation, but damn....wtf is wrong with me? I need to knock it off.
So withdraw. I'm not initiating any more contact. What if he contacts me? I don't know. He probably will, if history has anything to say about it. I guess I will deal with that if and when it happens. Maybe I need to go out and get a tattoo of one of these various things on my body somewhere I can't ignore:
Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I wasn't going to fight for someone who wasn't confident in wanting me.
People won’t always know how to treat you. Sometimes you’ll have to teach them.
Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.
If you spend your entire life worrying about being chosen, waiting for someone to make a decision about you, where does that leave you?
OR, more directly:
NO MORE ARTBOY.
Monday, August 29, 2011
August and everything after
August is winding down, and in retrospect, it's been kind of a crazy month! It started with a trip to Omaha, and is almost ending with another one, though technically this next visit is in September. I had one date this month, and it was bearable, but not worthy of a second date. I've lost a lot of interest in the online dating ventures lately, though this past weekend of Hurricane Irene weather seemed to create a lot of boredom that resulted in me receiving a lot of new messages. I went to NYC last weekend, I've had happy hours and plans with various friends. I've (finally) gotten to watch some football, even if it's just preseason. There was the earthquake excitement on Tuesday, August 23rd, and the Hurricane Irene drama this past weekend.
September looks to be a lot quieter. No travel planned after I return from Omaha, and unless there is some spontenaity on the part of some friends, I'll likely be sticking around here. I do wish I could get to the beach before fall settles in, but I just don't know if that will happen. In fact, in looking at my planner for September, all I really see are football games to watch, Dr. and dentist appointments, and a firm happy hour at a bowling alley in the city. Granted, that event is always an excellent time, but it's still quite a change from the fanfare of August. :-)
I do love September, though. September means regular season football and college football. It means the tiniest introduction to fall. It means Labor Day weekend, which for me this year will be a 4 day weekend. I've gotten care for my animals squared away in my absence, which is a relief, and now all that's left to do is pack my backpack Saturday morning and head out!
I feel like I have a more introspective post in me, but for right now I can't pull it to the surface, so I'll just wrap up for the time being!
September looks to be a lot quieter. No travel planned after I return from Omaha, and unless there is some spontenaity on the part of some friends, I'll likely be sticking around here. I do wish I could get to the beach before fall settles in, but I just don't know if that will happen. In fact, in looking at my planner for September, all I really see are football games to watch, Dr. and dentist appointments, and a firm happy hour at a bowling alley in the city. Granted, that event is always an excellent time, but it's still quite a change from the fanfare of August. :-)
I do love September, though. September means regular season football and college football. It means the tiniest introduction to fall. It means Labor Day weekend, which for me this year will be a 4 day weekend. I've gotten care for my animals squared away in my absence, which is a relief, and now all that's left to do is pack my backpack Saturday morning and head out!
I feel like I have a more introspective post in me, but for right now I can't pull it to the surface, so I'll just wrap up for the time being!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
amusing.
I was thinking the other day about how amusing it was that I made this big post about how kissing matters to me, and I don't just hand it out to strangers, but then a few posts later I disclosed that I'd made out with strangers in NYC. Is it wrong that kissing those gentlemen felt right while the idea of kissing a few of these men who have bought me meals made me ill? ;-)
Oh what a tangled web I weave! I amuse myself.
Oh what a tangled web I weave! I amuse myself.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Hey, I've got my own baggage, I don't want yours.
So I went on a date a few weeks back with a guy, I think I called him Sillybandz Guy. Maybe. Or maybe I just called him that in my head. Date was fine, he was very nice. We made plans for a second date, but I bailed at the last minute. Mr. Persistence kept texting me and emailing me, anyway. I had no intention of going on any more dates with him, which I thought was fairly obvious.
So last night he texts me again and I engage in some inane chatter. He asks (AGAIN) if he can see me when he gets back into town, and I tell him that I'm kind of burnt out on the dating thing (not untrue) and that I'm more interested in doing my own thing right now. He says he understands, but call if things change. I genuinely offer to hang out socially, anyway, because he was a funny guy, just not someone I want to date.
WELL. Apparently that was a mistake, LOL. The response I got was somewhere along the lines of "Thanks, but I have enough friends. I don't understand why I'm perfectly lovely as a friend, but not dateable. I won't bug you anymore."
As I read this, I pictured a grown man packing up his toys and stomping out of the yard. It is really not my issue if this guy is chronic friend material only, and I was annoyed that I happened to be the lucky ticket holder for the bitch fit. Such is life!
Hey SillyBandz, here's a clue: On a first date (or a second, or fifth, or tenth), don't spend an hour talking with great fervor about how much you dislike your (not even ex) wife. Yeah, just an idea. ;-)
So last night he texts me again and I engage in some inane chatter. He asks (AGAIN) if he can see me when he gets back into town, and I tell him that I'm kind of burnt out on the dating thing (not untrue) and that I'm more interested in doing my own thing right now. He says he understands, but call if things change. I genuinely offer to hang out socially, anyway, because he was a funny guy, just not someone I want to date.
WELL. Apparently that was a mistake, LOL. The response I got was somewhere along the lines of "Thanks, but I have enough friends. I don't understand why I'm perfectly lovely as a friend, but not dateable. I won't bug you anymore."
As I read this, I pictured a grown man packing up his toys and stomping out of the yard. It is really not my issue if this guy is chronic friend material only, and I was annoyed that I happened to be the lucky ticket holder for the bitch fit. Such is life!
Hey SillyBandz, here's a clue: On a first date (or a second, or fifth, or tenth), don't spend an hour talking with great fervor about how much you dislike your (not even ex) wife. Yeah, just an idea. ;-)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
(Drunk) Texting at its finest
I got a (drunk?) text saturday night from someone that said "I love you". Oh dear. Yup, I know who it was from. Do you?
On the upside, at least I didn't send the text, LOL.
I did tell a dead sexy bartender on Friday night that he was a "beautiful, beautiful individual" and got my picture taken with him. Seriously, he was deliciously beautiful and the picture does him no justice. He used to model. SIGH. ;-)
I did send some intoxicated texts, but generally I just enjoy the lack of filter I have when drinking, so I send things I actually wanted to say, anyway. I'm sometimes amused by them in the morning, but have yet to be mortified by any of them. YET! ;-)
On the upside, at least I didn't send the text, LOL.
I did tell a dead sexy bartender on Friday night that he was a "beautiful, beautiful individual" and got my picture taken with him. Seriously, he was deliciously beautiful and the picture does him no justice. He used to model. SIGH. ;-)
I did send some intoxicated texts, but generally I just enjoy the lack of filter I have when drinking, so I send things I actually wanted to say, anyway. I'm sometimes amused by them in the morning, but have yet to be mortified by any of them. YET! ;-)
Five kinds of distracted
I am back from NYC, and back in the office, and I can't focus at all. I am so distracted, and it's just not happening! I am not exaggerating when I say that I had the best weekend I've had in...years? Tis true. I had so much fun, it was such a liberating, empowering weekend, and I did exactly what I wanted and loved it all.
I look at the pictures from Saturday in particular, and I don't know...it's hard to describe. I am in awe of the fact that I am capable of looking that amazing. :-) I don't know or care what everyone else thought, I felt stunningly beautiful, confident and happy. I felt like I honestly kind of pulsated with awesomeness.
Beyond that...if it's wrong to make out with strangers in the midst of a weekend in NYC, then I don't wanna be right. I LOVE embracing the freedom to just kiss someone and not have it be this earthshattering, emotionally tangled thing. I met the first guy, S, on Friday night at a speakeasy we went to. He bought us falafel after (my first ever!) and helped us ward off a trio of rather pushy gentleman who REALLY wanted us to continue the party with them elsewhere.
Don't worry, he got a silver lining, too...he got to watch their faces when we walked off with one of him instead of three of them as he caught us a cab. ;-) He told us that he wasn't sure if we had wanted to go with them instead, we told him no, our loyalty was to our speakeasy friend. S was rather beautiful, with gorgeous dark brown eyes and big, full lips perfect for kissing a stranger. :-)
The second stranger was a gentleman we will call M. I met him at the club we went to Saturday night. He, too, was beautiful. I was kind of impressed with myself for the talent I was attracting! Very sweet, we danced together for about half an hour towards the end of the night.
The weekend was just such a good time. I loved staying out all hours of the night, going to bed when it was daylight. I loved getting all dressed up and knowing I looked good, I loved going to new places, trying new things, navigating my way around NYC. I felt much more comfortable there this time than last, and in a different time and place I could see myself living there and loving it. I love the fast pace, all the people, all the things to do.
Right now I guess I am just sort of basking in the afterglow of a particularly awesome weekend, and it makes it awfully hard to focus on things like work!
I look at the pictures from Saturday in particular, and I don't know...it's hard to describe. I am in awe of the fact that I am capable of looking that amazing. :-) I don't know or care what everyone else thought, I felt stunningly beautiful, confident and happy. I felt like I honestly kind of pulsated with awesomeness.
Beyond that...if it's wrong to make out with strangers in the midst of a weekend in NYC, then I don't wanna be right. I LOVE embracing the freedom to just kiss someone and not have it be this earthshattering, emotionally tangled thing. I met the first guy, S, on Friday night at a speakeasy we went to. He bought us falafel after (my first ever!) and helped us ward off a trio of rather pushy gentleman who REALLY wanted us to continue the party with them elsewhere.
Don't worry, he got a silver lining, too...he got to watch their faces when we walked off with one of him instead of three of them as he caught us a cab. ;-) He told us that he wasn't sure if we had wanted to go with them instead, we told him no, our loyalty was to our speakeasy friend. S was rather beautiful, with gorgeous dark brown eyes and big, full lips perfect for kissing a stranger. :-)
The second stranger was a gentleman we will call M. I met him at the club we went to Saturday night. He, too, was beautiful. I was kind of impressed with myself for the talent I was attracting! Very sweet, we danced together for about half an hour towards the end of the night.
The weekend was just such a good time. I loved staying out all hours of the night, going to bed when it was daylight. I loved getting all dressed up and knowing I looked good, I loved going to new places, trying new things, navigating my way around NYC. I felt much more comfortable there this time than last, and in a different time and place I could see myself living there and loving it. I love the fast pace, all the people, all the things to do.
Right now I guess I am just sort of basking in the afterglow of a particularly awesome weekend, and it makes it awfully hard to focus on things like work!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
There are highs and there are lows
Can you guess which is which?
In the last week I've:
*Gone out on a date with a man who claimed to not be a smoker on his profile, but then talked about "stepping out for a cigarette". Also, he told me he couldn't watch True Blood because it was "too gay" and that he can't watch two guys make out like that. "I guess I'm a little homophobic," he laughed.
*Been told "You are gorgeous and sexy and should never feel self conscious about your body."
*Been told my hair smells good, LOL.
One of these things just doesn't belong. :-)
In the last week I've:
*Gone out on a date with a man who claimed to not be a smoker on his profile, but then talked about "stepping out for a cigarette". Also, he told me he couldn't watch True Blood because it was "too gay" and that he can't watch two guys make out like that. "I guess I'm a little homophobic," he laughed.
*Been told "You are gorgeous and sexy and should never feel self conscious about your body."
*Been told my hair smells good, LOL.
One of these things just doesn't belong. :-)
Last night
It was a good night. :-)
I came home from work and I just felt good. I put my ipod on the dock and turned it on to my new (to me) favorite song, "Cosmic Love" by Florence + the Machine. This song just gets to me, and it builds up to these really amazing points, and it makes me insanely happy. The song just *feels* good to me. ArtBoy actually recommended it the other night when I requested some new music suggestions. We definitely have similiar tastes in music, and when he suggested this song via the video, I fell instantly in love with it.
Anyway! I reveled in my (as) loud (as I can have it in my apartment) music for awhile before heading out again about 7:15pm. I had to hit the mall because the heels I'd ordered for my weekend trip ended up being out of stock and the order got cancelled. Of course I couldn't find anything comparable at the mall I went to, so I'm off to look again over lunch. If I don't have any luck there, it's off to a different mall tonight, and then I give up. :-D
After the mall I went to BDay Guy's apartment to hang out. He ordered a pizza and we watched "Take Me Home Tonight", a movie set in the 80s that I actually really enjoyed! It was a good, innocent time, LOL. We get along pretty well and he lives really close by, so it's easy to hang out.
I left about 10:45, and decided I wanted to go on a little drive. WELL. That turned out to be a bit of a disaster, as I got stuck in this ridiculous traffic jam on the interstate due to construction. GOOD TIMES! I ended up stopping at Wegman's while I was out, since I was out in that general direction, and I really had to go to the bathroom, ha. Too much water! I ended up spending 40 bux there, when I think I just went in for a drink and a bathroom. Go figure.
I finally headed home after that and spent some time unwinding and trying on outfits and dresses to decide what I want to bring this weekend. I'm getting pretty excited for my NYC trip, partially for NYC and partially because I get to leave town for a few days!
Today is my thursday when it comes to work, and I am barely focused. I'd rather be shopping, cleaning my apartment or packing, all things I'll need to do in the next couple of days before we leave Friday morning.
"I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back"
-Cosmic Love, Florence + the Machine
I came home from work and I just felt good. I put my ipod on the dock and turned it on to my new (to me) favorite song, "Cosmic Love" by Florence + the Machine. This song just gets to me, and it builds up to these really amazing points, and it makes me insanely happy. The song just *feels* good to me. ArtBoy actually recommended it the other night when I requested some new music suggestions. We definitely have similiar tastes in music, and when he suggested this song via the video, I fell instantly in love with it.
Anyway! I reveled in my (as) loud (as I can have it in my apartment) music for awhile before heading out again about 7:15pm. I had to hit the mall because the heels I'd ordered for my weekend trip ended up being out of stock and the order got cancelled. Of course I couldn't find anything comparable at the mall I went to, so I'm off to look again over lunch. If I don't have any luck there, it's off to a different mall tonight, and then I give up. :-D
After the mall I went to BDay Guy's apartment to hang out. He ordered a pizza and we watched "Take Me Home Tonight", a movie set in the 80s that I actually really enjoyed! It was a good, innocent time, LOL. We get along pretty well and he lives really close by, so it's easy to hang out.
I left about 10:45, and decided I wanted to go on a little drive. WELL. That turned out to be a bit of a disaster, as I got stuck in this ridiculous traffic jam on the interstate due to construction. GOOD TIMES! I ended up stopping at Wegman's while I was out, since I was out in that general direction, and I really had to go to the bathroom, ha. Too much water! I ended up spending 40 bux there, when I think I just went in for a drink and a bathroom. Go figure.
I finally headed home after that and spent some time unwinding and trying on outfits and dresses to decide what I want to bring this weekend. I'm getting pretty excited for my NYC trip, partially for NYC and partially because I get to leave town for a few days!
Today is my thursday when it comes to work, and I am barely focused. I'd rather be shopping, cleaning my apartment or packing, all things I'll need to do in the next couple of days before we leave Friday morning.
"I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back"
-Cosmic Love, Florence + the Machine
Friday, August 12, 2011
Kisses aren't contracts
Kisses are not contracts, but they do matter!
I didn't have my first kiss until I was 19.
Including peck on the lip kisses, I've kissed 8 people. Two of them were from the date parade and were solely peck on the lip kisses. They were not my idea. They happened unexpectedly and I just took it, and they were wasted on me. I am weird because I like even my kisses to matter. I hate that I wasted two kisses on people I didn't even like, one of whom's name I can't even recall at the moment.
One of them was also from the date parade, but it was legit kissing, more than once, over the course of three dates. Sure, the guy turned out to be a dirtball, but I liked him well enough at the time that it didn't feel like a kissing robbery. :-)
The others were my ex-husband, my two subsequent ex-boyfriends, including the one I broke up with in March, ArtBoy and B-Day Guy, whom I admittedly kissed the night we all went out for my birthday celebration. Sue me! ;-) In summation, these lips have not danced around town with any stranger who asked...I'm kind of selective.
I know that many people consider kissing completely innocuous, something they can fake their way through on a bad date just to get it over with. I can't seem to get my brain to work like that. I cringe at the idea of kissing someone I don't want to kiss. I like to save my kisses for when I want to give them, not for them to be taken away or payoffs for a bad date.
I know that some people think I'm being too choosy with my dating right now. I'm not giving nice guys a chance. I'm expecting sparks and magic and blowing people off with real potential. But the fact remains..if I don't at least WANT to kiss you by the end of the first date...then to me it seems like something has to be wrong. I should have that desire. I should want it. I shouldn't feel annoyed when it's expected and thrown off guard when it's thrust upon me.
Kisses may not be contracts, but they are also not throw away things to me. Kisses matter.
I didn't have my first kiss until I was 19.
Including peck on the lip kisses, I've kissed 8 people. Two of them were from the date parade and were solely peck on the lip kisses. They were not my idea. They happened unexpectedly and I just took it, and they were wasted on me. I am weird because I like even my kisses to matter. I hate that I wasted two kisses on people I didn't even like, one of whom's name I can't even recall at the moment.
One of them was also from the date parade, but it was legit kissing, more than once, over the course of three dates. Sure, the guy turned out to be a dirtball, but I liked him well enough at the time that it didn't feel like a kissing robbery. :-)
The others were my ex-husband, my two subsequent ex-boyfriends, including the one I broke up with in March, ArtBoy and B-Day Guy, whom I admittedly kissed the night we all went out for my birthday celebration. Sue me! ;-) In summation, these lips have not danced around town with any stranger who asked...I'm kind of selective.
I know that many people consider kissing completely innocuous, something they can fake their way through on a bad date just to get it over with. I can't seem to get my brain to work like that. I cringe at the idea of kissing someone I don't want to kiss. I like to save my kisses for when I want to give them, not for them to be taken away or payoffs for a bad date.
I know that some people think I'm being too choosy with my dating right now. I'm not giving nice guys a chance. I'm expecting sparks and magic and blowing people off with real potential. But the fact remains..if I don't at least WANT to kiss you by the end of the first date...then to me it seems like something has to be wrong. I should have that desire. I should want it. I shouldn't feel annoyed when it's expected and thrown off guard when it's thrust upon me.
Kisses may not be contracts, but they are also not throw away things to me. Kisses matter.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Stop and Go
I have started and quit so many blog entries in the last week I've lost count. I have ideas of things I want to say, but none of them are materializing beyond my own thoughts. It's been a weird week. I've laughed a lot, I've cried more than once. I do think the laughter side of the scale is winning by a little bit, so that's a plus.
* I woke up with a skull-crushing, mind numbing, pounding migraine on Tuesday. It was the worst one I've had in months, the kind where I have to try really hard to not cry because it only exacerbates the pain. I stumbled into the kitchen for a waffle to force down so I could take my pill, got 2 icepacks, and crawled back into bed. The pain was horrifying, and I tried so very hard to lay very still. I slept until 11am, when I woke up feeling halfway decent. I showered and went in to work, arriving by 12:30.
* As if that wasn't lousy enough, I then got a call from my Dr. with some less than desirable test results from my semi annual lady parts test. After three visits of nothing but good, I got a bad one, and it requires an uncomfortable, stressful follow up test that I've done twice before and hated with a vengeance each time. I cried. I was on the verge already after my morning, and I couldn't help it. Cut to today, where I'm obviously not happy about this news, but I'm focusing on just taking care of myself and realizing that there's nothing I can do but wait and take the damn follow up tests and see what happens. Cross fingers for me.
* In the course of two conversations with one unexpected person, I've spent probably 2 and a half hours on the phone laughing 95% of the time. That's just impressive, and it reminded me that there are better things than IMs and texts and FB messages sometimes! Actually hearing someone's voice, engaging in real time conversation, feeling the laughter rise up and emerge into the universe, for the other person to hear...pretty cool.
Beyond that, I have a date tonight. I went out with SillyBandz guy last Thursday. We had dinner and then just spent awhile talking. I like his personality well enough, meh on attraction, and on alert for red flags as he's going through a divorce and has a 6 year old daughter who lives out of state (hence the SillyBandz-she gave them to him). We scheduled tonight's date during a text convo the night of our first date, and I have to say that my enthusiasm has waned so much since then.
I don't know why. He's very nice. Very complimentary. Funny and genuine seeming. So why can't I make it click? Bah. It's frustrating. I'm honestly dreading it. If I could cancel without feeling like an asshole, I would. But he's so excited. And I've been half blowing him off for a day and a half under the guise that I'm busy at work. Avoidance is shady, I know, but damn. I don't know what my deal is.
I'm more interested in just about anything else, honestly. Oh how dysfunctional I am. I'd rather be on the phone with B-Day Guy (my friend brought him out with us on my b-day celebration weekend) or texting friends. I'd rather be at home watching DVR and eating leftovers. :-/
Reminds me, I need to do a separate post about wasted kisses and weird standards, LOL. Maybe later!
I have lunch plans with a friend today, a former neighbor who has since moved to a different area of town, so it will be good to catch up. He is adorable and sweet and we always have a good time at our lunches. Nice break for the middle of the day!
Anyway, that's me on this thursday, at least part one of what I have to say. Maybe I will catch up on all the half thought out posts in my head!
* I woke up with a skull-crushing, mind numbing, pounding migraine on Tuesday. It was the worst one I've had in months, the kind where I have to try really hard to not cry because it only exacerbates the pain. I stumbled into the kitchen for a waffle to force down so I could take my pill, got 2 icepacks, and crawled back into bed. The pain was horrifying, and I tried so very hard to lay very still. I slept until 11am, when I woke up feeling halfway decent. I showered and went in to work, arriving by 12:30.
* As if that wasn't lousy enough, I then got a call from my Dr. with some less than desirable test results from my semi annual lady parts test. After three visits of nothing but good, I got a bad one, and it requires an uncomfortable, stressful follow up test that I've done twice before and hated with a vengeance each time. I cried. I was on the verge already after my morning, and I couldn't help it. Cut to today, where I'm obviously not happy about this news, but I'm focusing on just taking care of myself and realizing that there's nothing I can do but wait and take the damn follow up tests and see what happens. Cross fingers for me.
* In the course of two conversations with one unexpected person, I've spent probably 2 and a half hours on the phone laughing 95% of the time. That's just impressive, and it reminded me that there are better things than IMs and texts and FB messages sometimes! Actually hearing someone's voice, engaging in real time conversation, feeling the laughter rise up and emerge into the universe, for the other person to hear...pretty cool.
Beyond that, I have a date tonight. I went out with SillyBandz guy last Thursday. We had dinner and then just spent awhile talking. I like his personality well enough, meh on attraction, and on alert for red flags as he's going through a divorce and has a 6 year old daughter who lives out of state (hence the SillyBandz-she gave them to him). We scheduled tonight's date during a text convo the night of our first date, and I have to say that my enthusiasm has waned so much since then.
I don't know why. He's very nice. Very complimentary. Funny and genuine seeming. So why can't I make it click? Bah. It's frustrating. I'm honestly dreading it. If I could cancel without feeling like an asshole, I would. But he's so excited. And I've been half blowing him off for a day and a half under the guise that I'm busy at work. Avoidance is shady, I know, but damn. I don't know what my deal is.
I'm more interested in just about anything else, honestly. Oh how dysfunctional I am. I'd rather be on the phone with B-Day Guy (my friend brought him out with us on my b-day celebration weekend) or texting friends. I'd rather be at home watching DVR and eating leftovers. :-/
Reminds me, I need to do a separate post about wasted kisses and weird standards, LOL. Maybe later!
I have lunch plans with a friend today, a former neighbor who has since moved to a different area of town, so it will be good to catch up. He is adorable and sweet and we always have a good time at our lunches. Nice break for the middle of the day!
Anyway, that's me on this thursday, at least part one of what I have to say. Maybe I will catch up on all the half thought out posts in my head!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Coward.
“The second principle of magic: things which have once been in contact with each other continue to act on each other at a distance after the physical contact has been severed.” - James G. Frazer
I will never understand how someone can be so tender, sweet and affectionate with someone one day, and the next be distant, dismissive and honestly, kind of rude. I am simply not programmed that way, and to me, genuine is genuine. I can't undo it, I can't pull away from it. If I feel it, I feel it.
Screw the rationalizations: He secretly likes me and doesn't know how to deal. He's overwhelmed. He's afraid. No.
What he is is an asshole. A coward. A mistake.
We'd maintained a tenuous connection until this last week, and I liked feeling connected even when we weren't really connected the way we started. But now it's starting to seem almost combative, and I feel that connection floundering. If we're not physically connected anymore, maybe the rest isn't going to work like I thought it would.
I will never understand how someone can be so tender, sweet and affectionate with someone one day, and the next be distant, dismissive and honestly, kind of rude. I am simply not programmed that way, and to me, genuine is genuine. I can't undo it, I can't pull away from it. If I feel it, I feel it.
Screw the rationalizations: He secretly likes me and doesn't know how to deal. He's overwhelmed. He's afraid. No.
What he is is an asshole. A coward. A mistake.
We'd maintained a tenuous connection until this last week, and I liked feeling connected even when we weren't really connected the way we started. But now it's starting to seem almost combative, and I feel that connection floundering. If we're not physically connected anymore, maybe the rest isn't going to work like I thought it would.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I do believe...
I believe
-that a really good song can be transformative.
-that autumn is the best season
-that football makes me exquisitely happy
-that it's good to kiss a lot of frogs
-that the only opinion about my life that matters is my own
-that I deserve reciprocity
-that writing is the best therapy
-that a few good friends are better than a hundred lackluster ones
-that laughter is ridiculously healing to a world-weary soul
-that I will write my novel someday
-that holding hands is underrated
-that anticipation can be almost as good as the actual thing you're anticipating
-that today is good.
-that a really good song can be transformative.
-that autumn is the best season
-that football makes me exquisitely happy
-that it's good to kiss a lot of frogs
-that the only opinion about my life that matters is my own
-that I deserve reciprocity
-that writing is the best therapy
-that a few good friends are better than a hundred lackluster ones
-that laughter is ridiculously healing to a world-weary soul
-that I will write my novel someday
-that holding hands is underrated
-that anticipation can be almost as good as the actual thing you're anticipating
-that today is good.
Expectations
I experienced a disturbing realization this week. I started talking to a new guy Monday. He IMed me on the dating site, and even though I decline 99% of those chat requests, I impulsively said OK. We ended up talking for about 2 hours, and when I closed out the chat, I had agreed to a dinner date on Thursday. I felt....good. He was polite. Sweet. Interested in what I had to say. I'd apparently viewed his profile and not messaged him, so he looked at mine and decided that because my profile was so great, he had to initiate contact. When asked what part of my profile got to him, he listed off a dozen things. The best part? They were all the little details, also known as the things that spoke most accurately to who I am and what I love.
We had things in common. He didn't try to steer me down the road to sex talk, or ask what I was wearing, or what my bra size was. He didn't brag about his manhood, or assert his sexual prowess, or try to get an invite to my place. We just talked about our families, music, movies. We joked, I laughed a lot, and I smiled, and blushed, but only for the sweet, innocent kind of reasons.
We spoke again last night for a good period of time. Same thing---good conversation, lots of laughs. Still no inappropriate territory breached. Flirting, but the innocuous kind. Thank god.
I spoke to my mom after the first night I talked to him, and as I was telling her about the conversation, this is when I had the disturbing epiphany. DAMN. My expectations are really, really low.
These are the kind of things I told her: Once he learned my name, he used it frequently in conversation. He expressed interest in my interests. He was polite and well spoken, and didn't say things like "Yo gurl". He expressed a real closeness with his family, and a real honesty about his own personal situation (separated with a daughter-ex and daughter live out of state). He made me laugh without any sign of a mean streak. There were no offensive jokes told. No over the line sexual innuendo. And he was so polite and kind about asking me out.
As I talked, I realized how all of this sounded. These are not earth shattering traits or actions on the surface of things. They are simply measures of human decency, the marks of a genuine person. But they felt like GOLD to me. Personal to me gold.
I have become so used to people who take me for granted. People whose senses of humor require explaining, rationalizing, and often make me cringe. Judgmental people. People who thrive on tearing other people down. I have come to expect to give more. To work harder. To get less in return. It has become standard operating procedure for me to know this is just how it goes.
Sometimes I think about how picky I've been with regards to dating in the last few months. I am quick to dismiss people, even if they are perfectly lovely on paper, and even in person. So sometimes I think I am making things harder for myself by being too choosy.
BUT THEN. Then I realize that when it really matters, once I get down to legitimate involvement with someone, all of that fades away, and I'm left handing over any expectation of reciprocity like an unrequited gift. "Here!" I bluster boldy, "Take it! I will treat you like gold, offer to bring you things when you are sick, invite you to do things, ask how your day is, show an interest in your interest. Meanwhile, I expect that you will not really give a damn about what matters to me, and you will blow me off at will, and you will never offer to go out of your way for me. Cheers!"
I'm tired of being involved with people whose sense of humor is based on a mean streak. I'm tired of being involved with people who think it's A-OK to take everything I offer, which is copious, and give me bread crumbs in return. I'm tired of feeling like no one will ever treat me the way I treat them. That's bullshit. It is absolute bullshit.
I am recalibrating my expectations. I want, for once, to date a legitimate nice guy. Obviously I still require a sense of humor and a bit of an edge somewhere, but it is possible to be nice and funny without being an asshole. It's possible to treat someone well and have them treat you well in return.
I deserve effort. I deserve thoughtful gestures. I deserve compliments without a motive, kindness without strings, and affection for affection's sake.
We had things in common. He didn't try to steer me down the road to sex talk, or ask what I was wearing, or what my bra size was. He didn't brag about his manhood, or assert his sexual prowess, or try to get an invite to my place. We just talked about our families, music, movies. We joked, I laughed a lot, and I smiled, and blushed, but only for the sweet, innocent kind of reasons.
We spoke again last night for a good period of time. Same thing---good conversation, lots of laughs. Still no inappropriate territory breached. Flirting, but the innocuous kind. Thank god.
I spoke to my mom after the first night I talked to him, and as I was telling her about the conversation, this is when I had the disturbing epiphany. DAMN. My expectations are really, really low.
These are the kind of things I told her: Once he learned my name, he used it frequently in conversation. He expressed interest in my interests. He was polite and well spoken, and didn't say things like "Yo gurl". He expressed a real closeness with his family, and a real honesty about his own personal situation (separated with a daughter-ex and daughter live out of state). He made me laugh without any sign of a mean streak. There were no offensive jokes told. No over the line sexual innuendo. And he was so polite and kind about asking me out.
As I talked, I realized how all of this sounded. These are not earth shattering traits or actions on the surface of things. They are simply measures of human decency, the marks of a genuine person. But they felt like GOLD to me. Personal to me gold.
I have become so used to people who take me for granted. People whose senses of humor require explaining, rationalizing, and often make me cringe. Judgmental people. People who thrive on tearing other people down. I have come to expect to give more. To work harder. To get less in return. It has become standard operating procedure for me to know this is just how it goes.
Sometimes I think about how picky I've been with regards to dating in the last few months. I am quick to dismiss people, even if they are perfectly lovely on paper, and even in person. So sometimes I think I am making things harder for myself by being too choosy.
BUT THEN. Then I realize that when it really matters, once I get down to legitimate involvement with someone, all of that fades away, and I'm left handing over any expectation of reciprocity like an unrequited gift. "Here!" I bluster boldy, "Take it! I will treat you like gold, offer to bring you things when you are sick, invite you to do things, ask how your day is, show an interest in your interest. Meanwhile, I expect that you will not really give a damn about what matters to me, and you will blow me off at will, and you will never offer to go out of your way for me. Cheers!"
I'm tired of being involved with people whose sense of humor is based on a mean streak. I'm tired of being involved with people who think it's A-OK to take everything I offer, which is copious, and give me bread crumbs in return. I'm tired of feeling like no one will ever treat me the way I treat them. That's bullshit. It is absolute bullshit.
I am recalibrating my expectations. I want, for once, to date a legitimate nice guy. Obviously I still require a sense of humor and a bit of an edge somewhere, but it is possible to be nice and funny without being an asshole. It's possible to treat someone well and have them treat you well in return.
I deserve effort. I deserve thoughtful gestures. I deserve compliments without a motive, kindness without strings, and affection for affection's sake.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I'm a sucker
It's true. My feelings have been hurt by an idiot. Again. :-) At least this time it's not heartbreaking. It doesn't merit wrenching sobbbing in the shower, or mournful nights at home alone. It's just disappointing and hurtful.
I thought we were friends. I thought that beyond the fun surface stuff, we had a connection of some sort. I thought I mattered at least a little. But it turns out I don't. I didn't. I'm just a sucker, and I deserve the sting for not seeing it for what it was sooner.
I trust too easily. I put too much faith in people who don't deserve it. My heart opens so freely, and a fair amount of the time that burns me.
In spite of this, I don't wish I were built differently. I'm still glad, even in the midst of situation after situation that could leave me jaded and bitter, that I'm so open to people. One day I'll find the right person who won't abuse it, won't manipulate it, and who will be just as open back.
"People won’t always know how to treat you. Sometimes you’ll have to teach them."
I thought we were friends. I thought that beyond the fun surface stuff, we had a connection of some sort. I thought I mattered at least a little. But it turns out I don't. I didn't. I'm just a sucker, and I deserve the sting for not seeing it for what it was sooner.
I trust too easily. I put too much faith in people who don't deserve it. My heart opens so freely, and a fair amount of the time that burns me.
In spite of this, I don't wish I were built differently. I'm still glad, even in the midst of situation after situation that could leave me jaded and bitter, that I'm so open to people. One day I'll find the right person who won't abuse it, won't manipulate it, and who will be just as open back.
"People won’t always know how to treat you. Sometimes you’ll have to teach them."
Friday, July 29, 2011
Rationalization.
It's amazing what a person can rationalize, justify and explain away in order to keep something going that shouldn't be going. Denial is a powerful thing, and sometimes we just want a free pass to keep making the wrong choices with the wrong people, even though we *know* it's wrong.
I am so, so guilty of this. All the time. With so many people. Let's just call it like it is: I like assholes. I'm attracted to people who are generally kind of shitty. Kick me while I'm down, I'll love you forever. No really. I'm that sad.
I should disclose that right now I have a really bad migraine. I've had it since last night, and I got terrible sleep as a result. I would have stayed home, but my supervisor is still out and so I can't be out. I'm here even though I feel like absolute hell, my head is pounding, the flourescent lights are killing me, and I'm nauseated. It's a brilliant friday.
Add to that that a bad penny I can't seem to kick out of my life popped up after pissing me off and hurting my feelings last night, and he just did it again, and I'm having one of those moments where I wonder why the hell I even talk to him. Sometimes I have this idea that he is really so sweet secretly, that he confides in me and values my friendship, and other times...he's just a dick. Period.
The point of all of that is that I'm in a bad mood already because I'm tired and I don't feel well, and I'm resentful of the fact that I'm stuck here at work when I should be home in bed, and I'm just kind of pissed off at the world today. Today is one of those days where I really wish I had someone to take care of me, and I hate living alone and going home alone and going to bed alone, and even though it's not true, I keep having this thought that all the men I know are such assholes, and that's not true.
I am not fit for public consumption today. I belong in a room by myself where I can't spread this negativity.
I am so, so guilty of this. All the time. With so many people. Let's just call it like it is: I like assholes. I'm attracted to people who are generally kind of shitty. Kick me while I'm down, I'll love you forever. No really. I'm that sad.
I should disclose that right now I have a really bad migraine. I've had it since last night, and I got terrible sleep as a result. I would have stayed home, but my supervisor is still out and so I can't be out. I'm here even though I feel like absolute hell, my head is pounding, the flourescent lights are killing me, and I'm nauseated. It's a brilliant friday.
Add to that that a bad penny I can't seem to kick out of my life popped up after pissing me off and hurting my feelings last night, and he just did it again, and I'm having one of those moments where I wonder why the hell I even talk to him. Sometimes I have this idea that he is really so sweet secretly, that he confides in me and values my friendship, and other times...he's just a dick. Period.
The point of all of that is that I'm in a bad mood already because I'm tired and I don't feel well, and I'm resentful of the fact that I'm stuck here at work when I should be home in bed, and I'm just kind of pissed off at the world today. Today is one of those days where I really wish I had someone to take care of me, and I hate living alone and going home alone and going to bed alone, and even though it's not true, I keep having this thought that all the men I know are such assholes, and that's not true.
I am not fit for public consumption today. I belong in a room by myself where I can't spread this negativity.
Monday, July 25, 2011
End scene.
Morning has been less than brilliant. The upside to a morning full of downside is that I think I got some closure on something I'd been lingering on. It came in the form of a nice reality check when some new information came to light, and while it stung like a bitch, it's better to know. When one door closes....well, sometimes you're just happy to close the door. Rip that bandaid off, feel the burn of it, and move the hell on.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Cheap is not cute, kids.
You know what's a guaranteed turn off on a date? Go out for a meal, and as soon as the check arrives, snatch it up off the table, eyeball it, then inform your lady date of how much she owes ($12.50, for the record).
The worst part is that I ALWAYS offer to contribute for my share once the guy offers to pay...it's only fair. They just about never accept, but this is the first time I've been flat out stonewalled like this. Guess who will not be getting another date? Yup, that guy. All over $12.50!
That was one of two dates this weekend. That one clearly sucked, the other one was meh. BLAH, dating.
The worst part is that I ALWAYS offer to contribute for my share once the guy offers to pay...it's only fair. They just about never accept, but this is the first time I've been flat out stonewalled like this. Guess who will not be getting another date? Yup, that guy. All over $12.50!
That was one of two dates this weekend. That one clearly sucked, the other one was meh. BLAH, dating.
Friday, July 22, 2011
I just keep trucking on.
Happy Friday! I am having a not bad day thus far, which is a nice improvement over yesterday! I've got mellow evening plans to order a pizza and watch a movie or two with a good friend, so I'm looking forward to a quiet night in. And no, this time friend isn't code for anything! :-)
I think GymTeacher has gone poof. Honestly, I'm not heartbroken. I felt like we started off weirdly, and it was hard to get it back on course, so it's probably better that we both just move on. A couple of the guys I'd been talking to have kind of fallen off the map, and again, that's okay. I am all about letting people who are not really interested disappear!
I do have a date on Saturday for a movie and then dinner. We're seeing a 4:30 movie, so I guess the nice thing is that if it sucks, I still have some evening left after. ;-) I don't have a nickname for this one yet, LOL. My first inclination is Shorty because he's the shortest guy I've gone out with yet..he's my height! ;-) Uh oh, it may stick now. We'll see. Maybe he won't need a nickname because the date will be blah and he'll just be another guy I went out with once. I have to admit, my expectations have been tempered greatly by recent experiences.
Rest assured, I'll be making a solid effort to look cute and if he's suitable, offer up my sparkling wit and personality. :-D
Few more hours left in this work day and then the weekend begins!
I think GymTeacher has gone poof. Honestly, I'm not heartbroken. I felt like we started off weirdly, and it was hard to get it back on course, so it's probably better that we both just move on. A couple of the guys I'd been talking to have kind of fallen off the map, and again, that's okay. I am all about letting people who are not really interested disappear!
I do have a date on Saturday for a movie and then dinner. We're seeing a 4:30 movie, so I guess the nice thing is that if it sucks, I still have some evening left after. ;-) I don't have a nickname for this one yet, LOL. My first inclination is Shorty because he's the shortest guy I've gone out with yet..he's my height! ;-) Uh oh, it may stick now. We'll see. Maybe he won't need a nickname because the date will be blah and he'll just be another guy I went out with once. I have to admit, my expectations have been tempered greatly by recent experiences.
Rest assured, I'll be making a solid effort to look cute and if he's suitable, offer up my sparkling wit and personality. :-D
Few more hours left in this work day and then the weekend begins!
Smurftastic
Ex has contacted me a couple times lately. He's sending me pictures of his new puppy, and that terrible almost naked shot. I got tired of seeing his name pop up, so I went to change his contact name. First he was Two Year Mistake, but today I changed it to Vanity Smurf. Why? Because his latest userpic is a black and white, grainy self portrait shot of him shirtless.
WHAT.A.CREEPY.TOOL. :-o
WHAT.A.CREEPY.TOOL. :-o
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Humiliation, Party of One
I am having a day. Already. It's 930 in the morning. I forgot to wear earrings. I straightened my hair and by the time I got to work it had started rebelling because it is disgustingly hot and humid outside. And now I have a migraine coming on. I need to take one of my million dollar migraine pills, but I have to have something on my stomach first, and not a single thing sounds remotely appealing. I just ate one saltine cracker and it was like torture. I have 3 more on my desk and I'm eyeing them with disdain.
Really, I think this is all just karmic retribution for an hour of completely embarrassing behavior on my part last night. If I could just scrub that hour from existence I would feel so much better. It tainted the rest of my evening. The worst part? I can't even blame hormones or anything else. It was just me, falling apart at the seams in front of someone who shouldn't have had to witness it, much less endured the personal aftermath.
I'm not going to get into specifics because really, acknowledging it happened at all is enough. The bottom line is that I cried, very unexpectedly and very enthusiastically, in front of someone. Then when asked why I was crying, I ignored the red flashing warning lights in front of me and spilled far too much truth. I was such a disaster-crying, laughing because this person was trying to lighten the mood while hiding the inevitable horror at how I was behaving, and the vast embarrassment at my display of emotion and my inability to control it. I was fighting HARD to not sob unabashedly.
Once I was alone again, it came. I cried hard, racking, heaving sobs. Part of it was humiliation over the scene I'd just created and been a part of, and the rest...I'm still not sure. I know what specific moment sparked the actual tears, but it had been lying in wait before that, and once I started it was hard to stop. It was like I had this backlog of built up emotion, and it all just came spilling out at exactly the wrong time.
I was so embarrassed all night. I logged out of chat, Facebook and just mostly tried to ignore my phone. I was exhausted and I got into bed early, though I only actually fell asleep a bit earlier than usual. This morning, I woke up feeling tired and then once I remembered, embarrassed again.
The witness to my collapse last night messaged me just about first thing this morning and was very gracious about it by acting like things were normal. I don't know if that will last, but I was grateful for that. I was grateful that they didn't just run in the opposite direction of me, or use this as the perfect excuse to stop talking to me. I am still not proud of how things unfolded in that hour, but I do appreciate the small gift that was given to me this morning by my companion. Everyone has a little something amazing in them, I suppose.
Just took my migraine pill. I feel drained, but hopefully the pilll will help me and the day will improve from here. Just one of those thursdays, I guess.
Really, I think this is all just karmic retribution for an hour of completely embarrassing behavior on my part last night. If I could just scrub that hour from existence I would feel so much better. It tainted the rest of my evening. The worst part? I can't even blame hormones or anything else. It was just me, falling apart at the seams in front of someone who shouldn't have had to witness it, much less endured the personal aftermath.
I'm not going to get into specifics because really, acknowledging it happened at all is enough. The bottom line is that I cried, very unexpectedly and very enthusiastically, in front of someone. Then when asked why I was crying, I ignored the red flashing warning lights in front of me and spilled far too much truth. I was such a disaster-crying, laughing because this person was trying to lighten the mood while hiding the inevitable horror at how I was behaving, and the vast embarrassment at my display of emotion and my inability to control it. I was fighting HARD to not sob unabashedly.
Once I was alone again, it came. I cried hard, racking, heaving sobs. Part of it was humiliation over the scene I'd just created and been a part of, and the rest...I'm still not sure. I know what specific moment sparked the actual tears, but it had been lying in wait before that, and once I started it was hard to stop. It was like I had this backlog of built up emotion, and it all just came spilling out at exactly the wrong time.
I was so embarrassed all night. I logged out of chat, Facebook and just mostly tried to ignore my phone. I was exhausted and I got into bed early, though I only actually fell asleep a bit earlier than usual. This morning, I woke up feeling tired and then once I remembered, embarrassed again.
The witness to my collapse last night messaged me just about first thing this morning and was very gracious about it by acting like things were normal. I don't know if that will last, but I was grateful for that. I was grateful that they didn't just run in the opposite direction of me, or use this as the perfect excuse to stop talking to me. I am still not proud of how things unfolded in that hour, but I do appreciate the small gift that was given to me this morning by my companion. Everyone has a little something amazing in them, I suppose.
Just took my migraine pill. I feel drained, but hopefully the pilll will help me and the day will improve from here. Just one of those thursdays, I guess.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I thank you very sweetly
This is a post about the awesome people I call my friends. I know this blog is a lot of nonsense about boys (and yes, I know I'm 33 and the people I'm involved with should not be called boys, but I'm still 12/14/16 at heart, so deal with it), but the fact of the matter is that without my friends, I'd be full on insane by now.
The honest truth is that I'm one of those girls. You know the ones....they get into a relationship, and they slowly begin to suck. I've never been a critical offender, instead taking the more passive path. I don't cut my friends off, I just become less motivated to get out and be social. I lose the motivation to do things that are just my own.
Since moving to DC six years ago, I've had a hit and miss road with making friends. I had a very close friendship with a girl, J for many years. We were both from the Midwest and she actually grew up very near where I went to college. We were great friends...and then she got engaged. No joke, that changed the course of our friendship, and now here we are a year and a half later, and we don't talk anymore. I mourned the loss of that friendship for a long time, but ultimately I realized that it wasn't going to go back to how it was before, and I had to let it go.
Beyond that, I've had friendships connected to each of my relationship, and a couple of other good friends along the way. However, our paths were always pretty different, so they were never people I saw a ton.
This year, after the breakup with the ex, and after my self imposed hibernation, I found myself feeling changed inside. I was more open. More friendly. Happier. And suddenly, I was making a lot more friends. The weird thing is that this has mostly happened with people I already knew...co-workers and acquiantances. Somehow I was building these legitimate friendships, and the best part? They were reciprocal.
Over the years I've grown kind of accustomed to being the one in a friendship who does more work, generally speaking. The one who always has to suggest getting together, the one who has to reach out. I didn't often get reached out *to*! But now, things are finally changing. I have friends who call me to see how I am. Text me to say hi. Send me thoughtful emails, ask me to do things. Finally, I'm doing something right, with the right people.
I may be a bit boy crazy now and again. I may be a bit of a mess. But I am a good friend, and I have good friends, and for that I am so very grateful. :-)
The honest truth is that I'm one of those girls. You know the ones....they get into a relationship, and they slowly begin to suck. I've never been a critical offender, instead taking the more passive path. I don't cut my friends off, I just become less motivated to get out and be social. I lose the motivation to do things that are just my own.
Since moving to DC six years ago, I've had a hit and miss road with making friends. I had a very close friendship with a girl, J for many years. We were both from the Midwest and she actually grew up very near where I went to college. We were great friends...and then she got engaged. No joke, that changed the course of our friendship, and now here we are a year and a half later, and we don't talk anymore. I mourned the loss of that friendship for a long time, but ultimately I realized that it wasn't going to go back to how it was before, and I had to let it go.
Beyond that, I've had friendships connected to each of my relationship, and a couple of other good friends along the way. However, our paths were always pretty different, so they were never people I saw a ton.
This year, after the breakup with the ex, and after my self imposed hibernation, I found myself feeling changed inside. I was more open. More friendly. Happier. And suddenly, I was making a lot more friends. The weird thing is that this has mostly happened with people I already knew...co-workers and acquiantances. Somehow I was building these legitimate friendships, and the best part? They were reciprocal.
Over the years I've grown kind of accustomed to being the one in a friendship who does more work, generally speaking. The one who always has to suggest getting together, the one who has to reach out. I didn't often get reached out *to*! But now, things are finally changing. I have friends who call me to see how I am. Text me to say hi. Send me thoughtful emails, ask me to do things. Finally, I'm doing something right, with the right people.
I may be a bit boy crazy now and again. I may be a bit of a mess. But I am a good friend, and I have good friends, and for that I am so very grateful. :-)
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