Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Withdraw, Redirect.

That right there, in my subject line?  That's my new game plan.  Withdraw and redirect. 

I am addicted to someone that I shouldn't be.  Someone who, 95% of the time, isn't worthy of my affection or attention.  Someone who draws me in every now and again, fierce and strong, barreling past all of my tenuous walls, and makes me believe in him again.  Someone who, almost without fail, always lets me down more than usual in the days following those moments.  He says things like, "Sometimes it feels like we should be together."  Or he tells me that he thinks I'm trying to ruin him for all other women by being so beautiful and good with him.  And when I get upset about him being a dick, he says, "Bluemoon (ok, he says my actual name, but you get the idea), don't be upset."  And when I ask him why it even matters, why he cares, he says "Don't ask me loaded questions like that." 

So I go to sleep alone those nights clutching those words to me like a security blanket.  I get caught up in it, and I think that beyond his facade, he really does care about me, really does like me, but he's scared.  He's been burned before.  I rationalize away all of his previous instances of bad or thoughtless behavior, and I hold steady to the idea that I know the truth in him, and that it matters at all.

Then the cycle starts again.  Maybe I got an extra few days of nice before the detachment came this time, but it still came.  And suddenly it's like he is fine not talking to me, not seeing me.  And all those words that felt so meaningful feel hollow again, and I feel like a naive idiot.  Always the fool.  Always giving the benefit of the doubt when it's not deserved. 

Why can't I get this straight in my head?  It's the same concept I've gone over so many times, the same one that I zeroed in on via another blog I love to follow:  "I wasn't going to fight for someone who isn't confident in wanting me."  When I read that on He Loves Me Not, the words pulled me in, and I recognized myself in them.  I wrote them down, wanting to engrave them in my memory, like a shield against my own bad instincts.  Clearly, I've fallen down on that job. 

When someone is dismissive or detached or just willing to give me idle chatter at best 95% of the time, why the hell am I pining for him? 

Because when I'm with him:
I feel like we are the only people in the world.
he makes me feel beautiful and sexy and special
he looks into my eyes and I seriously get dizzy
he puts his hands on my face when he kisses me
I feel like he is a little bit in love with me
I feel like I am a little bit in love with him.

But it's not enough.  For awhile I was seeing him every week.  Then we went three weeks without seeing each other before spending one spectacular evening together.  Tomorrow it will be two weeks again, with no meeting in sight.

I go through the same pattern with him over and over.  The distance settles in and I feel hurt.  I vow to back off, to let things die off on their own.  But as soon as I do, it's like he knows it, and he reaches back out and pulls me back in.  This time around, my withdrawl only started yesterday evening.  My resolve is not good.  I've heard from half a dozen people how I should let him go.  How he's not enough.  How I deserve better.  I know all of this.  **I don't need to hear it anymore.**  I am trying to figure out how to untangle myself from this, and only I can do it, and only when I'm ready. 

I cannot promise that I won't get drawn back in.  Even right now, with the reality of all of this staring back at me, a tiny little part of me hopes he will draw me back in.  When I'm all the way back in the fold of him, I am happy and warm and I feel like I'm on the verge of something amazing.  I feel like I have found this very secret, very well hidden treasure, and I'm almost done unearthing it.  In those moments, he is mine and I am his, and it feels so right.

But I am trying.  I know it's not healthy for me.  I know that there is a possibility that by holding onto him, even in some small way, I am holding myself back from things that are better for me.  Things that feel good 95% of the time instead of 5% of the time. 

Hence my plan.  Withdraw and redirect.  Withdraw from him.  Stop reaching out.  Stop chasing, because let's be honest...that's what I've been doing for the past few days.  I get one presumably drunk text telling me he loves me a week and a half ago, and I forget that I have any pride or dignity.  I've spent the last too many days reaching out to him.  Sure, most of it was just idle conversation, but is wrong with me?  I need to knock it off. 

So withdraw.  I'm not initiating any more contact.  What if he contacts me?  I don't know.  He probably will, if history has anything to say about it.  I guess I will deal with that if and when it happens.  Maybe I need to go out and get a tattoo of one of these various things on my body somewhere I can't ignore:

Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I wasn't going to fight for someone who wasn't confident in wanting me.
People won’t always know how to treat you.  Sometimes you’ll have to teach them.
Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.
If you spend your entire life worrying about being chosen, waiting for someone to make a decision about you, where does that leave you?

OR, more directly:

Monday, August 29, 2011

August and everything after

August is winding down, and in retrospect, it's been kind of a crazy month!  It started with a trip to Omaha, and is almost ending with another one, though technically this next visit is in September.  I had one date this month, and it was bearable, but not worthy of a second date.  I've lost a lot of interest in the online dating ventures lately, though this past weekend of Hurricane Irene weather seemed to create a lot of boredom that resulted in me receiving a lot of new messages.  I went to NYC last weekend, I've had happy hours and plans with various friends.  I've (finally) gotten to watch some football, even if it's just preseason.  There was the earthquake excitement on Tuesday, August 23rd, and the Hurricane Irene drama this past weekend.

September looks to be a lot quieter.  No travel planned after I return from Omaha, and unless there is some spontenaity on the part of some friends, I'll likely be sticking around here.  I do wish I could get to the beach before fall settles in, but I just don't know if that will happen.  In fact, in looking at my planner for September, all I really see are football games to watch, Dr. and dentist appointments, and a firm happy hour at a bowling alley in the city.  Granted, that event is always an excellent time, but it's still quite a change from the fanfare of August.  :-)

I do love September, though.  September means regular season football and college football.  It means the tiniest introduction to fall.  It means Labor Day weekend, which for me this year will be a 4 day weekend.  I've gotten care for my animals squared away in my absence, which is a relief, and now all that's left to do is pack my backpack Saturday morning and head out! 

I feel like I have a more introspective post in me, but for right now I can't pull it to the surface, so I'll just wrap up for the time being!

Sunday, August 28, 2011


I was thinking the other day about how amusing it was that I made this big post about how kissing matters to me, and I don't just hand it out to strangers, but then a few posts later I disclosed that I'd made out with strangers in NYC.  Is it wrong that kissing those gentlemen felt right while the idea of kissing a few of these men who have bought me meals made me ill?  ;-)

Oh what a tangled web I weave!  I amuse myself.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Hey, I've got my own baggage, I don't want yours.

So I went on a date a few weeks back with a guy, I think I called him Sillybandz Guy.  Maybe.  Or maybe I just called him that in my head.  Date was fine, he was very nice.  We made plans for a second date, but I bailed at the last minute.  Mr. Persistence kept texting me and emailing me, anyway.  I had no intention of going on any more dates with him, which I thought was fairly obvious.

So last night he texts me again and I engage in some inane chatter.  He asks (AGAIN) if he can see me when he gets back into town, and I tell him that I'm kind of burnt out on the dating thing (not untrue) and that I'm more interested in doing my own thing right now.  He says he understands, but call if things change.  I genuinely offer to hang out socially, anyway, because he was a funny guy, just not someone I want to date. 

WELL.  Apparently that was a mistake, LOL.  The response I got was somewhere along the lines of "Thanks, but I have enough friends.  I don't understand why I'm perfectly lovely as a friend, but not dateable.  I won't bug you anymore." 

As I read this, I pictured a grown man packing up his toys and stomping out of the yard.  It is really not my issue if this guy is chronic friend material only, and I was annoyed that I happened to be the lucky ticket holder for the bitch fit.  Such is life!

Hey SillyBandz, here's a clue:  On a first date (or a second, or fifth, or tenth), don't spend an hour talking with great fervor about how much you dislike your (not even ex) wife.  Yeah, just an idea.  ;-)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

(Drunk) Texting at its finest

I got a (drunk?) text saturday night from someone that said "I love you".  Oh dear.  Yup, I know who it was from.  Do you?

On the upside, at least I didn't send the text, LOL. 

I did tell a dead sexy bartender on Friday night that he was a "beautiful, beautiful individual" and got my picture taken with him.  Seriously, he was deliciously beautiful and the picture does him no justice.  He used to model.  SIGH.  ;-)

I did send some intoxicated texts, but generally I just enjoy the lack of filter I have when drinking, so I send things I actually wanted to say, anyway.  I'm sometimes amused by them in the morning, but have yet to be mortified by any of them.  YET!  ;-)

Five kinds of distracted

I am back from NYC, and back in the office, and I can't focus at all.  I am so distracted, and it's just not happening!  I am not exaggerating when I say that I had the best weekend I've had in...years?  Tis true.  I had so much fun, it was such a liberating, empowering weekend, and I did exactly what I wanted and loved it all.

I look at the pictures from Saturday in particular, and I don't's hard to describe.  I am in awe of the fact that I am capable of looking that amazing.  :-)  I don't know or care what everyone else thought, I felt stunningly beautiful, confident and happy.  I felt like I honestly kind of pulsated with awesomeness. 

Beyond that...if it's wrong to make out with strangers in the midst of a weekend in NYC, then I don't wanna be right.  I LOVE embracing the freedom to just kiss someone and not have it be this earthshattering, emotionally tangled thing.  I met the first guy, S, on Friday night at a speakeasy we went to.  He bought us falafel after (my first ever!) and helped us ward off a trio of rather pushy gentleman who REALLY wanted us to continue the party with them elsewhere. 

Don't worry, he got a silver lining, too...he got to watch their faces when we walked off with one of him instead of three of them as he caught us a cab.  ;-)  He told us that he wasn't sure if we had wanted to go with them instead, we told him no, our loyalty was to our speakeasy friend.  S was rather beautiful, with gorgeous dark brown eyes and big, full lips perfect for kissing a stranger.  :-)

The second stranger was a gentleman we will call M.  I met him at the club we went to Saturday night.  He, too, was beautiful.  I was kind of impressed with myself for the talent I was attracting!  Very sweet, we danced together for about half an hour towards the end of the night. 

The weekend was just such a good time.  I loved staying out all hours of the night, going to bed when it was daylight.  I loved getting all dressed up and knowing I looked good, I loved going to new places, trying new things, navigating my way around NYC.  I felt much more comfortable there this time than last, and in a different time and place I could see myself living there and loving it.  I love the fast pace, all the people, all the things to do. 

Right now I guess I am just sort of basking in the afterglow of a particularly awesome weekend, and it makes it awfully hard to focus on things like work!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

There are highs and there are lows

Can you guess which is which?

In the last week I've:

*Gone out on a date with a man who claimed to not be a smoker on his profile, but then talked about "stepping out for a cigarette".  Also, he told me he couldn't watch True Blood because it was "too gay"  and that he can't watch two guys make out like that.  "I guess I'm a little homophobic," he laughed.

*Been told "You are gorgeous and sexy and should never feel self conscious about your body." 

*Been told my hair smells good, LOL.

One of these things just doesn't belong.  :-)

Last night

It was a good night.  :-) 

I came home from work and I just felt good.  I put my ipod on the dock and turned it on to my new (to me) favorite song, "Cosmic Love" by Florence + the Machine.  This song just gets to me, and it builds up to these really amazing points, and it makes me insanely happy.  The song just *feels* good to me.  ArtBoy actually recommended it the other night when I requested some new music suggestions.  We definitely have similiar tastes in music, and when he suggested this song via the video, I fell instantly in love with it. 

Anyway!  I reveled in my (as) loud (as I can have it in my apartment) music for awhile before heading out again about 7:15pm.  I had to hit the mall because the heels I'd ordered for my weekend trip ended up being out of stock and the order got cancelled.  Of course I couldn't find anything comparable at the mall I went to, so I'm off to look again over lunch.  If I don't have any luck there, it's off to a different mall tonight, and then I give up.  :-D

After the mall I went to BDay Guy's apartment to hang out.  He ordered a pizza and we watched "Take Me Home Tonight", a movie set in the 80s that I actually really enjoyed!  It was a good, innocent time, LOL.  We get along pretty well and he lives really close by, so it's easy to hang out. 

I left about 10:45, and decided I wanted to go on a little drive.  WELL.  That turned out to be a bit of a disaster, as I got stuck in this ridiculous traffic jam on the interstate due to construction.  GOOD TIMES!  I ended up stopping at Wegman's while I was out, since I was out in that general direction, and I really had to go to the bathroom, ha.  Too much water!  I ended up spending 40 bux there, when I think I just went in for a drink and a bathroom.  Go figure.

I finally headed home after that and spent some time unwinding and trying on outfits and dresses to decide what I want to bring this weekend.  I'm getting pretty excited for my NYC trip, partially for NYC and partially because I get to leave town for a few days! 

Today is my thursday when it comes to work, and I am barely focused.  I'd rather be shopping, cleaning my apartment or packing, all things I'll need to do in the next couple of days before we leave Friday morning.

"I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back"
-Cosmic Love, Florence + the Machine

Friday, August 12, 2011

Kisses aren't contracts

Kisses are not contracts, but they do matter!

I didn't have my first kiss until I was 19. 

Including peck on the lip kisses, I've kissed 8 people.  Two of them were from the date parade and were solely peck on the lip kisses.  They were not my idea.  They happened unexpectedly and I just took it, and they were wasted on me.  I am weird because I like even my kisses to matter.  I hate that I wasted two kisses on people I didn't even like, one of whom's name I can't even recall at the moment. 

One of them was also from the date parade, but it was legit kissing, more than once, over the course of three dates.  Sure, the guy turned out to be a dirtball, but I liked him well enough at the time that it didn't feel like a kissing robbery.  :-)

The others were my ex-husband, my two subsequent ex-boyfriends, including the one I broke up with in March, ArtBoy and B-Day Guy, whom I admittedly kissed the night we all went out for my birthday celebration.  Sue me!  ;-)  In summation, these lips have not danced around town with any stranger who asked...I'm kind of selective.

I know that many people consider kissing completely innocuous, something they can fake their way through on a bad date just to get it over with.  I can't seem to get my brain to work like that.  I cringe at the idea of kissing someone I don't want to kiss.  I like to save my kisses for when I want to give them, not for them to be taken away or payoffs for a bad date. 

I know that some people think I'm being too choosy with my dating right now.  I'm not giving nice guys a chance.  I'm expecting sparks and magic and blowing people off with real potential.  But the fact remains..if I don't at least WANT to kiss you by the end of the first date...then to me it seems like something has to be wrong.  I should have that desire.  I should want it.  I shouldn't feel annoyed when it's expected and thrown off guard when it's thrust upon me.

Kisses may not be contracts, but they are also not throw away things to me.  Kisses matter.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Stop and Go

I have started and quit so many blog entries in the last week I've lost count.  I have ideas of things I want to say, but none of them are materializing beyond my own thoughts.  It's been a weird week.  I've laughed a lot, I've cried more than once.  I do think the laughter side of the scale is winning by a little bit, so that's a plus. 

* I woke up with a skull-crushing, mind numbing, pounding migraine on Tuesday.  It was the worst one I've had in months, the kind where I have to try really hard to not cry because it only exacerbates the pain.  I stumbled into the kitchen for a waffle to force down so I could take my pill, got 2 icepacks, and crawled back into bed.  The pain was horrifying, and I tried so very hard to lay very still.  I slept until 11am, when I woke up feeling halfway decent.  I showered and went in to work, arriving by 12:30. 

* As if that wasn't lousy enough, I then got a call from my Dr. with some less than desirable test results from my semi annual lady parts test.  After three visits of nothing but good, I got a bad one, and it requires an uncomfortable, stressful follow up test that I've done twice before and hated with a vengeance each time.  I cried.  I was on the verge already after my morning, and I couldn't help it.  Cut to today, where I'm obviously not happy about this news, but I'm focusing on just taking care of myself and realizing that there's nothing I can do but wait and take the damn follow up tests and see what happens.  Cross fingers for me.

* In the course of two conversations with one unexpected person, I've spent probably 2 and a half hours on the phone laughing 95% of the time.  That's just impressive, and it reminded me that there are better things than IMs and texts and FB messages sometimes!  Actually hearing someone's voice, engaging in real time conversation, feeling the laughter rise up and emerge into the universe, for the other person to hear...pretty cool. 

Beyond that, I have a date tonight.  I went out with SillyBandz guy last Thursday.  We had dinner and then just spent awhile talking.  I like his personality well enough, meh on attraction, and on alert for red flags as he's going through a divorce and has a 6 year old daughter who lives out of state (hence the SillyBandz-she gave them to him).  We scheduled tonight's date during a text convo the night of our first date, and I have to say that my enthusiasm has waned so much since then. 

I don't know why.  He's very nice.  Very complimentary.  Funny and genuine seeming. So why can't I make it click?  Bah.  It's frustrating.  I'm honestly dreading it.  If I could cancel without feeling like an asshole, I would.  But he's so excited.  And I've been half blowing him off for a day and a half under the guise that I'm busy at work.  Avoidance is shady, I know, but damn.  I don't know what my deal is.

I'm more interested in just about anything else, honestly.  Oh how dysfunctional I am.  I'd rather be on the phone with B-Day Guy (my friend brought him out with us on my b-day celebration weekend) or texting friends.  I'd rather be at home watching DVR and eating leftovers.  :-/ 

Reminds me, I need to do a separate post about wasted kisses and weird standards, LOL.  Maybe later!

I have lunch plans with a friend today, a former neighbor who has since moved to a different area of town, so it will be good to catch up.  He is adorable and sweet and we always have a good time at our lunches.  Nice break for the middle of the day!

Anyway, that's me on this thursday, at least part one of what I have to say.  Maybe I will catch up on all the half thought out posts in my head!

Friday, August 5, 2011


“The second principle of magic: things which have once been in contact with each other continue to act on each other at a distance after the physical contact has been severed.” - James G. Frazer

I will never understand how someone can be so tender, sweet and affectionate with someone one day, and the next be distant, dismissive and honestly, kind of rude.  I am simply not programmed that way, and to me, genuine is genuine.  I can't undo it, I can't pull away from it.  If I feel it, I feel it.

Screw the rationalizations:  He secretly likes me and doesn't know how to deal.  He's overwhelmed.  He's afraid.  No.

What he is is an asshole.  A coward.  A mistake.

We'd maintained a tenuous connection until this last week, and I liked feeling connected even when we weren't really connected the way we started.  But now it's starting to seem almost combative, and I feel that connection floundering.  If we're not physically connected anymore, maybe the rest isn't going to work like I thought it would.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I do believe...

I believe
-that a really good song can be transformative.
-that autumn is the best season
-that football makes me exquisitely happy
-that it's good to kiss a lot of frogs
-that the only opinion about my life that matters is my own
-that I deserve reciprocity
-that writing is the best therapy
-that a few good friends are better than a hundred lackluster ones
-that laughter is ridiculously healing to a world-weary soul
-that I will write my novel someday
-that holding hands is underrated
-that anticipation can be almost as good as the actual thing you're anticipating
-that today is good.


I experienced a disturbing realization this week.  I started talking to a new guy Monday.  He IMed me on the dating site, and even though I decline 99% of those chat requests, I impulsively said OK.  We ended up talking for about 2 hours, and when I closed out the chat, I had agreed to a dinner date on Thursday.  I felt....good.  He was polite.  Sweet.  Interested in what I had to say.  I'd apparently viewed his profile and not messaged him, so he looked at mine and decided that because my profile was so great, he had to initiate contact.  When asked what part of my profile got to him, he listed off a dozen things.  The best part?  They were all the little details, also known as the things that spoke most accurately to who I am and what I love.

We had things in common.  He didn't try to steer me down the road to sex talk, or ask what I was wearing, or what my bra size was.  He didn't brag about his manhood, or assert his sexual prowess, or try to get an invite to my place.  We just talked about our families, music, movies.  We joked, I laughed a lot, and I smiled, and blushed, but only for the sweet, innocent kind of reasons.

We spoke again last night for a good period of time.  Same thing---good conversation, lots of laughs.  Still no inappropriate territory breached.  Flirting, but the innocuous kind.  Thank god. 

I spoke to my mom after the first night I talked to him, and as I was telling her about the conversation, this is when I had the disturbing epiphany.  DAMN.  My expectations are really, really low.

These are the kind of things I told her:  Once he learned my name, he used it frequently in conversation.  He expressed interest in my interests.  He was polite and well spoken, and didn't say things like "Yo gurl".  He expressed a real closeness with his family, and a real honesty about his own personal situation (separated with a daughter-ex and daughter live out of state).  He made me laugh without any sign of a mean streak.  There were no offensive jokes told.  No over the line sexual innuendo.  And he was so polite and kind about asking me out.

As I talked, I realized how all of this sounded.  These are not earth shattering traits or actions on the surface of things.  They are simply measures of human decency, the marks of a genuine person.  But they felt like GOLD to me.  Personal to me gold. 

I have become so used to people who take me for granted.  People whose senses of humor require explaining, rationalizing, and often make me cringe.  Judgmental people.  People who thrive on tearing other people down.  I have come to expect to give more.  To work harder.  To get less in return.  It has become standard operating procedure for me to know this is just how it goes.

Sometimes I think about how picky I've been with regards to dating in the last few months.  I am quick to dismiss people, even if they are perfectly lovely on paper, and even in person.  So sometimes I think I am making things harder for myself by being too choosy.

BUT THEN.  Then I realize that when it really matters, once I get down to legitimate involvement with someone, all of that fades away, and I'm left handing over any expectation of reciprocity like an unrequited gift.  "Here!" I bluster boldy, "Take it!  I will treat you like gold, offer to bring you things when you are sick, invite you to do things, ask how your day is, show an interest in your interest.  Meanwhile, I expect that you will not really give a damn about what matters to me, and you will blow me off at will, and you will never offer to go out of your way for me.  Cheers!"

I'm tired of being involved with people whose sense of humor is based on a mean streak.  I'm tired of being involved with people who  think it's A-OK to take everything I offer, which is copious, and give me bread crumbs in return.  I'm tired of feeling like no one will ever treat me the way I treat them.  That's bullshit.  It is absolute bullshit.

I am recalibrating my expectations.  I want, for once, to date a legitimate nice guy.  Obviously I still require a sense of humor and a bit of an edge somewhere, but it is possible to be nice and funny without being an asshole.  It's possible to treat someone well and have them treat you well in return. 

I deserve effort.  I deserve thoughtful gestures.  I deserve compliments without a motive, kindness without strings, and affection for affection's sake.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I'm a sucker

It's true.  My feelings have been hurt by an idiot.  Again.  :-)  At least this time it's not heartbreaking.  It doesn't merit wrenching sobbbing in the shower, or mournful nights at home alone.  It's just disappointing and hurtful. 

I thought we were friends.  I thought that beyond the fun surface stuff, we had a connection of some sort.  I thought I mattered at least a little.  But it turns out I don't.  I didn't.  I'm just a sucker, and I deserve the sting for not seeing it for what it was sooner. 

I trust too easily.  I put too much faith in people who don't deserve it.  My heart opens so freely, and a fair amount of the time that burns me.

In spite of this, I don't wish I were built differently.  I'm still glad, even in the midst of situation after situation that could leave me jaded and bitter, that I'm so open to people.  One day I'll find the right person who won't abuse it, won't manipulate it, and who will be just as open back.

"People won’t always know how to treat you.  Sometimes you’ll have to teach them."