Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I can go my own way

I know I've been MIA the last couple of weeks.  I've been reading everyone else's blogs, I just haven't been posting on mine. 

It's nice to feel good.  It's nice to feel like I'm doing a good job of taking care of myself, and striking the right balance between social time and solo time.  I spent Thanksgiving with friends and had a lovely time.  I've seen many movies.  I've watched lots of football.  My trainer asked me to speak to a group of his clients for an upcoming promotion he's doing, and to talk about my cardio workouts and how they've progressed.  He says I'm his cardio superstar.  I routinely have double the cardio time of anyone else he's working with. 

I've started planning for upcoming holiday parties, one with my old firm as the "date" of a friend, and one at my current firm.  I love having an excuse to dress up, wear sparkly jewelry and heels, and celebrate with friends and co-workers.  I'm truly looking forward to both events, one on Friday, December 7 and one on Thursday, December 13. 

I'm brainstorming on holiday shopping, but I haven't started yet.  I do it mostly all online and ship it directly to my mom's house in the Midwest so I don't have to fly with everything.  Plus, she wraps everything unless its hers and I indicate as much.  Luckily, my family is pretty small, so my shopping list is pretty short.

I have been on dates.  I am talking to different people.  I am considering my options, and I am trying to figure out where I stand.  It's not so easy, knowing where I stand in that realm.  I think I want one thing, but when presented with the opportunity for said thing, I panic.  Sometimes a little, sometimes  a lot.  Sometimes the panic makes me want to be entirely alone for an hour or a few days.  Other times the panic sparks my desire to reach out in the wrong direction.  So far I haven't committed entirely to either reaction.

Last night I went on a drive.  I don't do that nearly so often anymore; I don't have time with all of the gym visits and trainer visits and subsequent tiredness.  Honestly, I think I was leaning too heavily on the driving as escape for a long time, so now it's probably been tamped back to a more reasonable level.  It was good to wander around, doing a couple of errands, but also taking the long way, the circuitous way, to get where I was going. 

"Where you are is good. Start here. It’s imperfect and it always will be. It will be fierce and ordinary and torn and mended again. We will circle back and start once more. The goal is not some happily ever after, but a happily ever now.”

I'm pretty satisfied with fierce and ordinary.  :-)

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Date Recap - The Canadian

The Setting: 
Blurry Chinatown

We met at 6:30.  I was there first, like I usually am to everything.  The Canadian showed up on time and apparently recognized me right away.  We hugged in greeting, and got seated immediately.  Thank god for weeknight dining because this spot generally has a 2 hour wait on the weekends.
He was a thin guy.  Really thin. Cute, but in that "I run all the time and therefore look possibly hungry and waifish" kind of way.  I generally prefer a guy with a little more to him.  I'm pretty sure the Canadian weighed less than me.
He's divorced, like I said.  But I found out last night that even though he has no kids with his ex, who still lives in Canada, he did end up having a child from a relationship post-divorce.  That ex also lives in Canada, and he drives 7.5 hours every other weekend to go to Toronto to spend the weekend with his son.  Dedicated?  Of course.  Unexpected?  Yup.
I have never met someone who wanted to talk about marriage and divorce so much as the Canadian did.  Seriously.  We spent our hour and a half dinner talking about our failed marriages, the failed marriages of those around us, and how the failed marriages affected who we are now.  No matter what I tried, he continually steered us back to this point.
I'm over my divorce.  I don't need to talk about it.  Or analyze it.  In particular I don't need to do these things on a first date.  :-/  WTF, mate?  I found it incredibly weird.
The thing was, he was a really nice guy.  Intelligent.  Well spoken.  Kind.  A good listener. All great qualities.  But in addition to his fixation on marriage and divorce talk, he was just so serious.  I don't think he made a joke the entire time.  Not one.  He politely laughed at a few things I said, but he didn't seem willing (or capable?) of joining in.
Sense of humor?  Huge to me.  Imperative.  Non-negotiable.
As I sat at dinner with the Canadian, I had a flash to how things might be if we ended up together somehow.  Me his unpaid therapist helping him work through his ongoing issues stemming from his divorce (she initiated it, I think he's still hung up on it).  Me hugging his frail little frame. 
Oh well.  It wasn't a bad date, exactly.  It was just kind of formal, but like a weird therapy session I couldn't escape.  At least I got a cute little box of matches out of the deal. ;-)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Bluemoon rides again!

That's right.  After a month plus hiatus, I am back to swimming in the online dating pool. Really, I just felt left out when my fellow dating bloggers were chronicling their experiences and I had nothing to contribute.  Also, at work at Happy Minute every friday, a group of my friends sit and share these same stories, and I really felt like it was time for me to belong again.  ;-)

I'm only doing one site this time around, and my profile is much more streamlined and direct.  I feel like the break did me some good, and offered me some distance and perspective with the whole business of online dating. 

I've blocked three people since rejoining, which is impressive.  My favorite blocked friend messaged me, then got mad that I didn't reply and told me I looked racist, anyway. Delightful!  He's right, clearly *I'm* the racist one in this situation.  ;-)  I chose to not take the bait he was throwing out and instead just erased him from my online dating world. 

Beyond that, I'm talking to some viable candidates, at least for dates.  I actually have two dates lined up currently, with one more in the works.

Tonight I'm meeting the Canadian for dinner in Chinatown.  We both work in DC, so we're just meeting after our days wrap up.  Even if the date is lousy, I'm going to one of my favorite spots in DC, so that will be a perk.  ;-)  He's a patent lawyer originally from Toronto.  Divorced, no kids, very well spoken and nice.  My main concern is that through the course of multiple lengthy emails we've exchanged, he's come across rather serious.  Hopefully he has a sense of humor that I will get to see in person, or else we have trouble!  The Canadian is a traditionally good looking guy, the kind that I see and think is cute automatically.  He's thinner, as he's a runner, but not too thin from what I can tell.

Tomorrow night I'm meeting up with the Bearded Man.  We actually spoke on the phone for about an hour and a half last night.  He's well spoken, we seem to have some common interests, and he makes me laugh.  When I gave him grief about something last night and he told me I was a smartass, I swooned.  ;-)  We don't have an exact plan for tomorrow yet, but we will likely either be bowling or just grabbing a dinner/drink since I have a session with my trainer from 7-8 and can't meet him until about 9.  He's out of pocket this weekend refereeing a slew of soccer games, which is something he does on the side, so that's why we're going with Thursday.  Bearded Man has the kindest looking eyes and a really warm smile in his pictures.

I am talking to probably half a dozen other guys on a multi-message basis that seem potentially promising, in addition to these two.  They live anywhere from my same city to Baltimore (ahoy, strangers from a far land...again!).  One or two have kids and/or are divorced.  A couple of them have a lot of tattoos.  Some of them are funnier than others, some are more charming, some are cuter. 

I'm having fun.  :-)  I'm looking forward to going on a slew of dates in the coming weeks, and I'm looking forward to telling you all about them via this blog.  Cheers to a better attitude, and some funny/sweet/happy/entertaining/weird stories sure to come!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Chemistry: It's a bitch.

When I was in high school, the powers that be made me take a chemistry class.  I will tell you that I remember just about nothing from the actual course, but I do remember getting my first taste of real life chemistry.  My lab partner's name was Ryan.  He was a year my junior, and he was ridiculously cute.  He had blonde hair, bright blue eyes and a killer smile.  He was smart to boot! 

I have no idea how we ended up paired together, but I'm glad we were.  We talked.  We laughed. We flirted.  We wore nearly identical matching blue plaid shirts from the Gap.  Plaid flannel was in, don't judge.  ;-)

In high school I was shy when it came to guys.  I never went out on a date, I was too terrified.  But Ryan got past a few of my walls, probably just because we worked together and sat together day after day.  We bonded over strange experiments and laughed over things we both found funny.  I had a huge, gigantic crush on him.  Massive. 

That was the first time I remember feeling that electric, spark-laden kind of connection with someone.  Granted, my shyness kept it from going anywhere of substance, but that feeling was still there, coursing between us.  I know it was mutual.  I suspected it then, but was too unsure of myself to say for sure.  In retrospect, I know.

The jolt from accidental touch.  The bubbling pleasure of seeing his sleeve touch my sleeve on the table.  Teasing is flirting, especially in younger years, and we used to hit each other playfully, tease constantly.  It was innocent.  It was pure.  It was chemistry

That was years and years ago.  Even though Ryan and I never shared more than a couple of awkward phone conversations and a chemistry class flirtation, he will always be the first boy to trigger that feeling in me. It's good to know that at least at one point, in the beginning, I found electricity with someone good, and kind, and thoughtful.  I am capable of such a thing. 

I worry frequently that something inside of me has malfunctioned, and that I am now only able to feel chemistry with assholes.  Even the guys who didn't seem like assholes at the beginning, if I felt true chemistry with them, they turned out to be eventually.  Sometimes it took one date, sometimes it took more.  But it always came slinking from behind, stating itself boldly, as if I were blind to not have recognized it in the first place.

Chemistry is a delicate thing.  It is fierce and fiery, but it is also rare.  Hard to capture, harder to keep. 

I can't remember what sparks and chemistry feel like outside of the one person I shouldn't feel them with.  Sometimes it feels like such a lost cause.  I wish I could disarm him of this power, unravel the sparks and fire from his being, wrap it up with care and save it to bestow upon the nice guy.  The one I objectively see is attractive.  Talented.  Kind.  Funny.  Thoughtful.  Truly interested.

I don't want to waste this gift on a lost cause.  I want it back.

I need the chemistry.  Where is my thirty-something version of Ryan?  Last time I checked the real Ryan was married, so that won't do. I would wear plaid flannel, Doc Martens and overalls again just to find out....and not just because I secretly miss those things (especially the overalls).  ;-)

Friday, November 9, 2012


I have started and deleted this post a dozen times.  It has had half a dozen different Post Titles, half a dozen different variations of topics.  My mind is just ambivalent and disorganized today.  I think I need to just embrace the anarchy in my brain and be okay with a totally disjointed post.  I like logic, I like order, but sometimes the things I'm carrying around inside don't all magically fall into place like I wish they would.

Ghosts of Relationships Past
I had a dream last night about another ex, M.  We dated for a year after ex-H and I split.  He has since remarried and this summer had his first child, a little girl.  We haven't spoken since before the baby was born.  In my dream, he had his baby with him.  It's weird how these people just pop up in my subconscious sometimes.  For a long time I thought our breakup was a matter of poor timing for our relationship.  However, we tried a friendship last year and it ended fairly acrimoniously, and I realized that we are not a good match.  He's an arrogant know it all and that would have driven me up the wall.  It did, in fact, drive me up the wall when we dated.  Anyway, random!

Olfactory Musings
The last date I went on courtesy of my old online dating profile was with a perfectly lovely guy.  However, the smell of his cologne made me physically ill.  He hugged me goodbye (and gave me an undesired, unsolicited peck on the lips), and I found that I smelled like him the rest of the night. I changed clothes when I got home because I was going to the gym, and I STILL SMELLED LIKE HIM.  It must have gotten into my hair or something!  It actually made my stomach churn. No matter how nice that guy was, in a million years I could never have stood to be around that smell all the time. 

On the other hand, some people smell so good that it makes me more attracted to them than I would have been otherwise.  Angry ex wore a certain scent when we first started dating and I LOVED it.  It was divine.  Of course as we continued dating he rotated scents and only wore that one upon request, so maybe that was a contributing factor to our demise.  ;-) 

Baltimore used to sometimes smell really good, but I think his was just his body wash. Whatever, it worked!  Some people smell really good without cologne, others wear cologne that just WORKS for me.  All I know is that scent matters.  I've been strangely disappointed sometimes when I've gone out with a guy who didn't have a distinct scent.  No scent is better than awful, cloying scent, but I have to admit that a guy with a signature smell that I always associate with him, that lingers on my clothes and skin after he leaves as a reminder, is kind of awesome.

Things I Miss
I am strong.  I am independent.  I am doing a kick ass job of doing things for me, taking care of me, improving me.  But I'll tell you, I miss having a person to curl up with.  I miss having a shoulder to lean on, a crook of an arm to sleep in.  I miss having a too big hoodie to steal because the borrowed ones from someone you like always feel special somehow.  I miss having someone to watch football with all saturday long, someone to pick me up a coffee on their way home.  Someone to sleep in with.  Someone who knows me and likes me, or even loves me, who wants to kiss me and who I want to kiss back.

I am illogically introspective and kind of grumpy today.  I'm glad I have no real set plans for the weekend.  I want to just get all of my stupid workouts done each day, then spend a TON of time just catching up on DVR, doing my own thing.  It's what I'm best at, anyway!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Rumpled Blue Moon

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like a rumpled version of yourself?  I feel like I look like that shirt you wore one afternoon for a couple hours and then haphazardly tossed on the floor, and let sit there for a few days.  RUMPLED.

I love my curly hair.  I do.  But sometimes it not only contributes to the rumple, it is the cause of the rumple.  I'm wearing a nicely put together work outfit, but my hair is all wonky and it's throwing my game off.  Plus, my nail polish is seriously chipping off and it is decidedly not cute. 

This week has been so busy.  I don't even know why.  All I know is that I haven't had time to do laundry, to watch a single thing on DVR, or to really feel like I've relaxed.  Monday and Tuesday were trainer sessions followed up by the gym.  Last night my Abs class was cancelled so I went out for dinner and drinks with a friend, then hung out until about 10:30.  Back at home I was exhausted and decided to take that evening as my night off from the gym instead of Friday.  I went right to bed.

Tonight I have a happy hour event being hosted by my trainer I'm attending for a bit.  After that I plan to go to the gym and get my workout done.  This is why I'll be doing maybe one drink at the happy hour.  Tomorrow night I'll go to the gym and since it closes at nine on Fridays, I will get to come home after and maybe FINALLY catch up on some DVR.

No classes or training sessions this weekend, so I will get to actually sleep in on Saturday.  I actually have no set plans for the weekend yet, and I'm okay with that.  It's supposed to be really nice out both days, so I've thought about taking a nice long walk on a trail or something one of the days, just to be outside. 

I have a hair appt. at 12:30.  It's totally an indulgent type appointment, not getting it cut or anything.  Just a blowout.  I need some smoothness and sleekness in my life, just for a couple of days.  I need the nice head massage I get from the shampoo, and the feeling of being a little better put together.  Sure, I probably could use an actual BODY massage instead of pretty hair for two days, but this is what I'm choosing.  I'll take a hot bath this weekend with some epsom salts and call it a spa day.  :-)

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Vote, Baby, Vote

I voted this morning before coming into work.  It took about an hour, I stood outside in the chilly morning air with a hat and gloves on, earning myself hat hair for the entire day.  It was totally worth it.  :-)

I am going to be spending this evening all astressy wondering what will happen, but I'm glad this day is finally here.  Living in a swing state has resulted in an extra special helping of ads and political craziness, and I will not be sad to see it draw to a close.

I'm wearing my I Voted sticker, and it's going on my gym clothes later, too.  I love going out on Election Day and voting in person, it's just a really awesome feeling, especially for something so huge as the Presidential election.

Crossing fingers....


Monday, November 5, 2012

I'm melting, melting!

Mark this day, folks:  I've officially rendered another size of work pants ridiculous.  Mind you, I'll still be wearing them for awhile because I don't have the money to throw down on some smaller sized pants just yet, but these suckers would pull right off with very little effort.  It's really a pretty awesome feeling because not that long ago these were so tight they were uncomfortable to wear, and now they are entirely too big.

I have been super dedicated about working out in the last couple of weeks.  I'm going hardcore with the goal of reaching my goals.  Once I do reach them I'll slow down a little, and probably only work out ONCE a day 6 days a week instead of having a couple of days with double workouts (trainer plus solo gym session).  Right now I'm just feeling really motivated and I figure I should seize the momentum.  :-)

I do think I may go "shopping" just to try on some pants.  I just want to see for myself that the next size down fits.  :-)  I don't own anything in that size anymore, and even when I have in recent years, it's been only very small windows of time that I could fit into 2-3 months and then I'd be too big for them.  It's very validating to again be reminded of how my hard work and discipline are paying off!

Excuse the self cheering post, but I'm just really pleased with my progress.  This will will be my 11th week since starting this journey, and I'm proud of where I've gotten in less than three months.  I hope I have a good weigh in and measurement tomorrow, but either way, I know things are looser this week than last, and that's enough for me!

This week I've got a personal training session tonight and tomorrow and then the Abs/Cardio class wednesday night and Saturday morning, plus my own personal workouts.  I still think it's weird that when I'm stressed, or when I'm bored, I think about how I'd like to be working out. It's amazing how the routine and the adrenaline rush of exercise become a part of you when you do it long enough. 

Happy monday, indeed.  :-)

Thursday, November 1, 2012


This week feels all discombobulated to me because of the two days off to start the week.  It feels like Tuesday, but it's Thursday, which admittedly is a pleasant turn of events.  Usually it's the other way around and it feels later in the week than it actually is!

My Halloween was honestly not very Halloween-like.  I live in an apartment and we don't seem to get any trick or treaters there, and this proved true again this year.  I went home, ate a really bad for me dinner, lounged a bit and then went to the gym.  The only Halloween thing I did was watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown". 

I did see a few cute costumes on the way home yesterday.  I saw a woman probably pushing 55 or 60 dressed as a giant yellow angry bird, a couple of tiny superheroes, a cat, and my favorite of the evening, a little boy around 5 years old dressed as Super Mario.  SO CUTE!  He was on my bus with his mom and couldn't have been more adorable.

As a result of my off week and the storm, I've been overindulging this week in terms of diet.  Not good!  The one good thing is that I've worked out every single day, so I guess that helps a little.  Finally meeting with my trainer again tonight.  He's been out of town since Saturday, and I haven't met with him in a week.  Hopefully he will be kind and skip weighing me until Tuesday to give me some time to get back on track.

So LED guy messaged me to ask me again about going to see a movie on Friday, which is suddenly tomorrow!  I was hoping he'd take the hint, but alas, it's never that easy.  He's forcing my hand to lay it out for him, so I'm going to take care of that today.  Turns out I do need at least a little spark to proceed.  If he'd made me laugh, or if conversation had flowed easily, or if I'd found him attractive....any one of those things could have constituted a spark.  As it was, I didn't detect any real sense of humor yet, conversation was a lot of work more often than not, and I'm simply not attracted to him.  Such is life!

I'm trying to stop beating myself up over not liking this guy, or other "nice" guys.  The fact remains that I'm just not sure I'm in the right place for dating, and that's okay.  I think it's really easy, especially at this time of year, to get caught up in this feeling that I should be trying to find someone.  It gets colder, the holidays loom, and it's a natural pull to want to seek out that companionship and warmth.  But just because it's November and getting colder, it doesn't mean that I can suddenly be ready to date, or be in the right place mentally and emotionally for it.  It just doesn't work like that.  I'll be ready when I'm ready, I suppose.  The world won't end if I end up spending Thanksgiving alone eating a turkey breast and stuffing and watching football all day.  I survived last year without a boyfriend at Christmas, and I'll do it this year, too.

Anyway, that's all I know for now.  Happy thursday!