Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Discombobulated.  Askew.  Awry.  Off kilter.  Out of whack.  Wrong.

Everything feels like such a chaotic, aimless, disorganized mess right now.  I told a friend last week that I have been feeling like each day I wake up, and someone has taken all the parts of my life, put them in a box, shaken them up, and dumped them out haphazardly.  There is no rhyme or reason to anything, just a different sense of disorder each day. 

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, and I have no purpose, no goals, nothing I'm working towards.  There is not a single thing I care enough about to invest any measure of time or effort in.  I can't focus long enough to get anywhere.  I have been struggling to read a very easy read of a book, I just don't care.  I'm normally a person who goes through books like crazy, and I've been trying to read this stupidly light book for two weeks now.  I can't focus enough to come up with anything to write about. 

I skip from Facebook to LJ to blogs to IM to texting to TV to sleeping to just laying around doing absolutely nothing, feeling tired.  I am running myself down by staying up too late for no reason, I am exhausting myself emotionally by continually testing my own personal boundaries.  I am muddled and lost and I don't know how to fix it.

I know logically there are things I should do.  I should get back into working out.  It will give me more energy, give me a productive outlet for the jumble of things in my head.  I should start getting to bed earlier, start winding down sooner, get into better bedtime habits.  I should drink more water, fewer sugary coffee drinks.  Eat more fruits and veggies and fish, snack less.  Force myself to sit down and either read or write for an hour each day, just to give my mind decompression time.  Be more social instead of hiding.

I hid most of the weekend.  I ran errands on my own friday night, turning down an invite to hang with R.  Saturday I slept in, woke for a couple hours, then napped off and on all day.  I watched football that night, after again turning down an invite to hang with R.  I went to the grocery store at 11:30pm because I decided I wanted to make chili, which I did that night when I got back.

Sunday.....I ran more errands.  Solo.  No invites to do anything, and I would have turned them down anyway.  I watched football and DVR when I wasn't out running around.  Got about 15% of the apartment chores done that needed to be done.  I just couldn't bring myself to bother.  I felt lazy.

Monday.  I finally got out of the house.  Met a friend for lunch and hung out for a couple hours.  Lazy few hours at home in the afternoon.  Coffee date at 6:30 that lasted until about 9.  Hung out with a friend for a few hours after.  Mission accomplished:  A social day.

Why do I feel so blah lately?  I'm so tired of feeling so untethered.  I feel so unattached to things.  Sure, I was finally social Monday, but when I think about doing that all the time...Ugh.  I'd rather just go home and be on my own.  I guess maybe this is just a phase, but I do know I need to do something about it.  I just feel off. 

I need to create a new routine.  One that's better for me.  And in addition to the new routine, I need to do some things that are out of the routine, but still good for me.  Meet some new people, hang out with someone different.  Go on a day trip just to do it, even if I'm on my own.  That might be a good solo thing to try.  I just need something MORE.

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