Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Evolving Opinions

Four days of work left!

What I really came in here to post is that I've changed my opinion on the book I'm reading, "It Ends With Us".  It suddenly got really good in a totally unexpected way.  It took awhile for it to make that turn, but it did and now I keep thinking about getting back to reading it.  Now mind you, the turn it took was dark and twisty.  However, it's totally compelling and well-written.  I'll try to remember to update once I complete it to see if my overall opinion shifted or not.

In other news, my car is finally getting the second recalled airbag replaced tomorrow.  It will be really nice to have my passenger seat back in commission for our road trip to OBX this weekend.  I get to trek to the dealership in the morning for the recall fix.  Reading time!  Depending on how long it takes I will either go into work after or go home and telework.  Obviously I'd prefer the latter, but we'll see.

Speaking of OBX, they're currently under a Tropical Storm Warning.  I'm really glad this weather is supposed to clear out by the time we head to Duck.  I know there's a second system coming through later this week, but currently they're predicting it to take a turn and head back out before we get there. Crossing fingers!

Monday, August 29, 2016

Five Days

All I need to do this week is get through five work days.  FIVE.  And then vacation time is upon me! 

This weekend was a mix of good and bad.  Friday night BF had his fantasy football draft with his friends, so I spent the evening home with J.  We ordered Chinese food for delivery, chatted and watched a scary movie.  It was nice to have a solo night with her!  Saturday we had to take BF's car to the dealership for an airbag replacement and we ran a couple of errands in the interim. Unfortunately, I got knocked down by a migraine that afternoon and ended up taking a three hour nap to try to kick it.  It only half worked, but I was functional for the rest of the evening.  While I slept BF and J washed all three cars, which was nice!  We spent that night cooking dinner (chicken stuffed with roasted garlic cheese and wrapped in proscuitto, grilled asparagus and a youthful classic of crescent rolls, LOL.

Sunday BF and I ran a couple of errands while J hung out at home and then I got to the gym while he watched the race.  We went to the grocery store and made dinner and had a low key evening.  Sadly, I got hit with yet another doozy of a migraine that woke me at 2:30 am, when I took my migraine meds and went back to sleep.  Woke up feeling better, but it was a rough weekend headache wise.  It's my "migraine week" as I call it, but it was the roughest I've had in awhile! However, I'd much rather have had it this week than next when I'm on vacation!

We tried to watch some of the VMAs last night for some reason, and it was PAINFUL.  It made me feel super old, but I think honestly it was just really poorly done.  I ended up turning it off and just watching the performances I was interested in this morning online.  Much better option.  Good old Britney with the lip syncing, LOL.  However, Beyonce was amazing as always.  

Managed to watch 3 more episodes of "The Night Of" this weekend, but I still have five left including last night's finale.  My goal is to get that finished this week before vacation!  Such a fantastic show.

Finished another book, "The Mourning Girls", which was actually really, really good. Finally!  A book that didn't disappoint me.  Started and am currently reading "It Ends With Us" by Colleen Hoover.  It's all right so far.  Better than the books I read before "The Mourning Girls", but not as good as that.  Totally different kind of book, though.  I'll definitely finish it, as there are parts of the book I like more than others.  Still looking forward to reading a book or three (the real, paper kind!) on the beach trip next week!  There's not much better than reading on the beach or from one of the decks with a beach view.  :-)

The only thing I'm really looking forward to this week is my appt. with my hair boyfriend.  I'm overdue for a visit and I definitely am excited to have a couple of really good hair days before the wild and crazy beach hair days.  Appt. is Thursday at 1pm.  Cheers to that!

Time to start making my packing list.....  I can legitimately feel the vacation excitement starting to build!  

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Let Me Down, Pick Me Up

So I finished a couple of books in the last couple of weeks.  The first was "One Less Problem Without You" by Beth Harbison.  When I first finished it I thought I'd liked it enough.  It was OK. But the more time that passes, the more I'm annoyed with it.  It felt rushed, underdeveloped and inadequate.  I was pretty disappointed with it.

Next I read "The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry" by Gabrielle Zevin.  I added that to my list because J is reading it for summer reading for school and I thought we could talk about it.  It was actually a good book.  Well written, good storyline, good heart.  However, I didn't really connect with it on any real level.  It's like certain music or other forms of art that I can recognize logically are well done or noteworthy, but I'm personally unable to love it whole-heartedly.  So it was more of a success than the other at least!

I then started to read "By the Numbers" by Jen Lancaster.  Usually her books are very entertaining, but this one is just NOT working for me.  I barely got into it before I was bored and decided I would read something else, at least for the time being.  So I started "The Mourning Hours" by Paula Treick DeBoard and I'm still very early into it, but it's already more interesting.  Hoping for a better read! Everything feels like a bit of a letdown since I read "The Woman in Cabin 10" since that was so captivating to me.  Such a great read!

In other news, I only have 9 work days left until vacation, including today.  I'm under the two week wire and I'm so excited!  I definitely need this trip.  Work is seriously burning me out and I've been watching everyone go on their week long vacations all summer and I'm ready for my turn!  We've got our petsitter all lined up, I've got my new swimsuits at the ready and all that's left to do is count down the days.

I've been much better about working out for the last few weeks.  I'm managing to get to the gym or do a home workout 5 days a week, which is the goal.  Yesterday at work I was exhausted from lousy sunday night sleep, I had a headache and the day itself was just very frustrating.  I went to the gym out of obligation, but wow, it turned my entire mood around.  I did 45 minutes on the elliptical, 15 on the treadmill walking on an incline and about 15 minutes of strength training.  It was just what I needed.

We finished watching "Stranger Things" last week.  Oh, how I loved that show!  I loved the general atmosphere of it, I loved so many of the actors, the music, everything.  I am still thinking about the finale!  Very happy that it got renewed for another season.  Next up I want to find time to watch the newest season of "Catastrophe" on Amazon.  That show is hilarious and real and awesome.

In the meantime, I guess I'll go get some breakfast.  Kix cereal for the win!  :-)

Monday, August 15, 2016

Things to Do When You're Old

This last year has made me feel really old in some ways!  Throwing your back out for the first time can do that.  ;-)  I happened to do that the day after my 38th birthday.  Ouch.  That was truly the worst pain I've ever felt.  Luckily, I did manage to recover and am no worse for the wear a month and a half later.  I did, however, purchase a back pillow to use for our Myrtle Beach trip and at work in the wake of that injury.  The pillow was a lifesaver on the car ride and I do use it still occasionally at the office.

Maybe it's all the vitamins I take that make me feel old.  I take a multi-vitamin, Vitamin E and Fish Oil.  A Dr. rec'd the fish oil to me a few years ago when my blood work came back with borderline high triglycerides.  I recently had a physical and found out that everything is where it's supposed to be level-wise, and my good cholesterol is actually really high!  I attribute that to the fish oil.  :-)

I bought a dry brush the other day.  I've noticed recently a very unfortunate appearance of some spider veins on my thighs.  WTF, mate?  Not sexy.  So I did some google research and among the various remedies I've found are using a dry brush to increase circulation (Side perk: decreased appearance of cellulite?!).  I've also read about using apple cider vinegar as a scrub on those same spots (circular motion, baby) as well as olive oil for the same thing.  My bathroom is going to turn into a kitchen, LOL.  I figure these things may not work, but they're all harmless enough that they're not going to hurt anything.

Today I bought a foot rest for my desk at work.  It's also aimed at increasing circulation, with an added bonus of perhaps making my desk job a bit more comfy.  I've read that crossing your legs is not great for circulation, and I'm guilty of that constantly.  Hopefully having that little foot rest boost will make it more comfortable for my legs to just hang out instead of being compelled to cross them.

In the wake of my physical I've been making a small effort to make more healthful choices in my daily life.  Small things like trying to have a veggie at every dinner, sticking spinach on my lunch sandwiches, eating a salad once or twice a week.  More fruit, more whole grains, less Starbucks. More water, fish once a week.  Less added salt and sugar.  More protein in my breakfast to make it last longer.  I've also been much better about going to the gym the last two weeks.  Progress!

The Dr. did recommend I lose some weight, like 15-20 pounds.  Sigh.  But I knew that.  In spite of this, I still bought a new bikini for the beach.  Life is too short to worry about what I look like in a bikini, and I'm going to keep seizing the bikini moments!  It's super cute and the top accents one of my features that HASN'T aged yet.  ;-)

Less than three weeks until vacation......

Monday, July 25, 2016

All of the Things

This post is brought to you by a sudden, overwhelming realization:

There is not enough time for all of the things.  All of the books.  All of the movies.  All of the shows. All of the places.  All of the things.

I realized it today as I downloaded two more books to my Kindle.  The Kindle that already has several other books in the Library I haven't read yet, and a pre-order book that will download tomorrow.  This is in addition to the 7-8 books I own at home in real life book form that I haven't read yet, 4 of which I got for my birthday.


Currently reading:
Housebroken: Admissions of an Untidy Life - Laurie Notaro

Recently read:
In Twenty Years - Allison Winn Scotch
Live Fast Die Hot - Jenny Mollen
Why We Came to the City - Kristopher Jansma
The Drowning Girls - Paula Treick DeBoard

I actually really recommend all four of these books!  The Jenny Mollen book is a humorous memoir. She's married to the actor, Jason Biggs.  LOVED In Twenty Years, but that's also the freshest in my mind since it's the last book I finished.  It was a fantastic read.  Why We Came to the City is a GORGEOUS read.  I truly loved this book.  The Drowning Girls was also very good.  Kept me interested all the way to the end!

Waiting to be read:
All the Missing Girls - Megan Miranda
The Mourning Hours - Paula Treick DeBoard
The Woman in Cabin 10 - Ruth Ware
By the Numbers - Jen Lancaster
The Good Neighbor - A.J. Banner
One True Loves - Taylor Jenkins Reid
One Less Problem Without You - Beth Harbison (Comes out Tuesday)
A Man Called Ove - Fredrick Backman
The Girls in the Garden - Lisa Jewell
You Will Know Me - Megan Abbott
** These are just the ones on my Kindle and the books from home that I remember having.  :-o

I realized it today as I looked at my TIVO and Netflix queues.  I've not watched any episodes of the new season of Mr. Robot yet.  I'm behind one episode of Unreal, two of Animal Kingdom, I have all three episodes of The Night Of to watch because I keep hearing such raves about it.  Plus, we watched two episodes of Stranger Things on Friday and I'm in love with it and desperate to get back to it.  I still haven't finished the second season of The Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt.  Let's not even get into how behind I am on House of Cards, how I never found time to get back to Orphan Black (I only finished Season 1).

I realized it as I considered the movies I want to see, both in theater and otherwise.  I want to see the new Bourne movie.  I still want to see The Conjuring 2, I want to see Suicide Squad when it comes out and I don't even know why.  Recently my desire to finally see Room has ramped up again and The Age of Adaline is available on Amazon Prime and I really wanted to see that.  I want to re-watch The Blair Witch Project in anticipation of the September sequel.  I want to watch Clue again because it is one of my favorites.  BF still hasn't seen The Silence of the Lambs and I need to rectify that.

I realized it as I considered the places I want to go in coming months.  Yes, I'd love to go on exciting trips to new places, but sue me....I also love the familiar.  I'd love to go see my friend P in Atlanta this fall.  I'd like to get back to Omaha to see my family, watch some Nebraska football and start getting used to the new normal without my grandfather.  The family reunion visit was not a true representation because it was so chock full of family visiting and things to do. I'd love to go to Kansas City to see a Chiefs game with BF because everyone should experience an NFL game at Arrowhead. I also keep thinking about finally getting BF to the west coast since he's never been, and I haven't been in years.  I'd love to go to California or Arizona or Colorado...or all of them! I love the idea of more weekend trips to local places within driving distance, including possibly for college and NFL football games.

There's not enough time for all the things.  All the books, TV shows, movies, adventures.  It's hard enough to fit in the required things like flossing before bed and getting to the gym EVER.  I'm always juggling the little life things---DMV registration renewals, car recalls (my car is at the dealership and I'm on week 3 of a rental because of those faulty airbags!), chores around the house, hand washing my swimsuit for the beach this weekend, taking books and clothes to donate, getting to Costco because we're running out of tilapia and chicken breasts.  Sigh.

The beach.  At least there's this tiny, miniscule vacation this weekend.  A getaway, if you will.  I'm going with my friend, A, and we're leaving bright and early Saturday morning to go to Ocean City, Maryland.  We plan to go directly to the beach since we can't check into the hotel until later in the afternoon and we want to maximize our time there.  So we'll beach, then check into our hotel, which is right on the end of the Boardwalk.  Then back out to the Boardwalk for exploring and rides and dinner and drinks.  Breakfast and beach on Sunday and then we'll head back to real life again.  Such a tiny trip, but I'll take it!

One of these days I'll fit all of the things in.  Or I will prioritize and some of these things will drop out (most likely some of the movies, some of the shows, sadly a book or two).  The trips won't all happen and that's OK.  Like it or not the day to day has to get done, the full time job has to be a priority, and I'll be like everyone else trying to figure out how to fit it all in.

In the meantime, I'm off to count down the days until my tiny escape from reality.  Once I get back from that, I'll be that much closer to my true escape, which is OBX.  Got my final payment notification for August 4, which means that on that date we're only a month from our seven days in Duck and my nine days off from work!  Maybe there will be some time on that trip to knock out some of those books.  ;-)

Friday, June 17, 2016

Summer Absenteeism

Well, it may not officially be summer until Tuesday, but the blogging ways of summer have clearly already set in!  I've been MIA for quite awhile, and I do apologize for leaving you all in the dark.  My life is super riveting so I'm sure you've all been teeming with suspense.  Ha!

Things are good!  I love this time of year.  It's busy and there's always things to do and I love that. Memorial Day weekend was good.  We went to a Washington Nationals game that friday night, we including myself, BF, J and my friend, A.  We also went to a Potomac Nationals game that Sunday, which was also fun!  We do love watching baseball.

Last week my friend, T visited from Columbia, Missouri.  We had a great time that included lots of margaritas, Chinese delivery food, the Museum of American History, the Newseum and 80s night at yet another Nationals game, which included an opening concert by an 80s band,  The Legwarmers. Two of my girlfriends joined us and we had a great time!  T and I also did some exploring of random shops in my town and surrounding areas and just generally enjoyed catching up.

This week at work has been super hectic.  I don't mind because it makes the days go by quicker, though.  Always love my fridays!  We randomly decided on Tuesday to venture to Hershey, PA this weekend for Father's Day fun for BF.  We're not leaving until tomorrow morning, but at that point we're heading straight to Hershey Park for a day of amusement park fun.  We'll check into our hotel after that to clean up a bit and then we're spending the evening at a Harrisburg Senators baseball game.  BF and I love checking out these other area stadiums and comparing to ours.  J, not so much, but she's obligated to enjoy for her father's sake.  ;-)  Sunday we'll probably get breakfast/brunch and then maybe check out Chocolate World before we journey back.

Next week, the fun continues.  Thursday night is an area Battle of the Law Firm Bands, and my friend, A is one of the singers again this year in ours, so I'll be joining some co-workers and friends to watch and support her!  It will make for a very late night for me (sigh), but I took Friday off because it's my birthday, so it all works out.  :-)

Friday I'll be sleeping in a bit and then heading out to meet A, who has also taken the day off.  We're going to just enjoy a fun Friday without work, probably including manicures, brunch, maybe some shopping, etc.  That night we're meeting BF and a couple other friends over at the National Harbor for dinner, a spin on the Capital Wheel and drinks!  BF and I also booked a hotel for that night so we don't have to drive the long way back after all that fun, so that's a nice extra.

Saturday will entail getting ourselves back home and relaxing a bit.  We may go to a local live music, food truck and fireworks type festival that night.  :-)  Sunday daytime is again for relaxing because sunday night we are joining some friends who got free tix to see Guns 'n Roses at FedEx Field!  So random, but I'm excited.  I was never obsessed with GnR, but I know it will be a great experience and a good story.  :-)

That will properly wrap up birthday weekend, and I'm quite happy about all of it!

Not too much longer after that we have the 4th of July and the accompanying 3 day weekend, and then on July 9-12 we're roadtripping it to Myrtle Beach!  BF has some family there who we will visit briefly, and his mom, sister, brother in law and nephew will meet us from Charleston there for one day.  Beyond that, we're staying at a beachside resort and I'm so excited to visit a new place.  So much to look forward to!

The rest of the summer looks good, too.  I'm still hoping to plan a weekend beach trip to Ocean City with A, and I got Phantom of the Opera tickets for August for me, BF and J.  J and I are also indulging BF for his birthday by going to a WWE wrestling event in DC in July, LOL.  Both J and BF have July birthdays!  Of course, the big summer finale is our Outer Banks trip Labor Day week.  :-)  It is truly my favorite week of the entire year!  A week of total indulgence, lack of life obligations and beaching, swimming, grilling, reading, exploring and spending quality time with my person.  :-)  <3

Did I mention that I love summer?

The only sad thing right now is a realization I had yesterday on my way home.  This will be the first year in many moons that my grandfather will not call me on the phone to sing me his rendition of Happy Birthday.  It was always so cute and sweet and goofy, just like him.  I continue to remind myself that he's in a better place, he's no longer suffering, and he'll be singing me the birthday song from a whole new place this year.  <3 <3

Life is so weird sometimes.  I sometimes have the inclination that I should feel guilty for being happy and excited about things going on in my life. That I should still be mourning his loss and not celebrating things. However, I take comfort in knowing that I'm filling my summer with fun and happiness and experiences and my grandfather would LOVE that.  :-)  I'm moving forward like he would want all of us to, but he will never be forgotten.  I think of him every single day.

I hope everyone is having a great (almost) summer!  We got a fantastic summery night of thunderstorms last night and I loved every second.  :-)

Monday, April 25, 2016


I really love spring.  It's such a beautiful time of year and it's so nice to have everything looking so lovely and feeling so nice outside.  We had a gorgeous weekend of weather aside from some rain on Saturday, and hey, rain is part of spring!

I picked up my new nightstand this weekend, which is so nice to have.  My nightstand from my apartment didn't work with BF's bedroom set because it was espresso instead of black, so I finally found a black nightstand that works well enough for the set.  BF didn't plan ahead for the future and buy two when he bought his bedroom set years back.  ;-)  It's such an improvement over the crappy black table/stand I have been using for over a year.  I got it all organized and it's a small piece of happy for me.

I got to do a little spring shopping this weekend, also.  I got a new work bag, as the handle of my old one ripped.  :-/  I had a hard time finding one that fit the bill I wanted, as I wanted something water-resistant, as the interim bag I'd been using is not, and on rainy days that's a bummer.  I found the new bag at Marshalls for a whole $20!  I also got a pair of shorts and several cute shirts, so that was a nice way to spend a couple hours yesterday afternoon.

It was a good weekend spent with BF and J.  We cooked meals together, we watched a movie, we ran a slew of errands.  I went to the gym both saturday and sunday (!!!) and felt better about not going Thursday & Friday.  I'm trying to go more often, and I was so proud of myself for going Sunday-Wednesday until that point.

We're less than three weeks out from our Omaha trip now.  It looks like we'll be spending the night with my brother and his wife one night and now possibly one night in a hotel downtown near where the relatives are staying.  We thought it would be nice if we all stayed down there so we could stay out later with the family without having to worry about driving back late.  It's just an idea at this point, but it sounds kind of fun to me.  :-)  Selfishly, I also relish the opportunity to sleep in any bed that is not the bed in my bedroom at my mom's house.  It's one million years old and NOT comfortable.  So this would be a definite improvement, even if we have to pay for it!

My ex-H got married a couple of weekends ago.  I saw lots of FB pics and it looked really lovely, as it was on the beach in Mexico.  I'm really happy for him and happy that he was able to get his family out there for the occasion.  Still can't believe he beat me to re-marriage, LOL.

This week is Staff Appreciation week at work, so that's nice.  It breaks up the usual monotony as we have a staff luncheon tomorrow and an all personnel luncheon on Wednesday, plus some kind of afternoon snack event on Thursday.  I'll take anything that distracts from the usual work day grind. My supervisor is on vacation until Thursday, so that's also nice!

Weather is going to be gorgeous today, so I'm planning for an escape over lunch.  Must take advantage before it cools down some later this week.  Rain predicted for tomorrow so that inside planned lunch is sounding better and better.

Finished a good book recently, "The Elementals".  It was described as a gothic horror novel and I really enjoyed it.  Started two different Kindle books and not wholly enthralled by either.  I have two actual books to read as well that I got in Omaha last time.  Hopeful that one of them grabs my interest.

Anyway, that's all I know today.  Happy Monday, if there is such a thing!

Friday, April 22, 2016


I've been MIA for a couple of weeks, but with good reason.  My grandfather passed away the morning of Friday, April 8th.  We all knew it was coming, and he was certainly ready to go.  He went in his sleep that morning and at that point it was honestly a gift.

I flew home to Omaha Sunday and was there until Thursday.  The funeral was Tuesday and I got the chance to spend some time with my family.  The wayward brother was there for almost everything, including the funeral, which was nice, I guess, although weird.  We spent some time going through my grandfather's house, but the project was much bigger than that and will be happening in my absence as well.

It's strange.  Living so far away makes it seem almost not real because I didn't talk to him or see him every day.  But I think about it every day.

I'm doing pretty well.  I take a lot of comfort in the fact that I got to see him in what was probably his last really good few days.  We talked, we laughed, and we made a few final memories for the books. The funeral service was really lovely, and I even managed to get up and read something I'd written without too much struggle until the end.

I came back to work on the Friday after I returned to begin to dig out of the hole of work waiting for me, and then got a weekend to really settle back in.  This week has been work and gym and BF and life stuff and intermittent conversations with various family members about the things left behind to take care of.  I'll be back in Omaha in three weeks with BF, and I'm looking forward to it.

Our family reunion is moving forward as planned, and we think it will be a lovely way to celebrate my grandfather's life and legacy, as he placed so much value on family connections and laughter.

One thing I did realize throughout all of this is that while it was nice to have my wayward brother around again, I don't need it anymore.  I have very low (realistic) expectations of his presence in my life going forward, and that's OK.  The most important thing is that he was there to spend time with my grandfather in the last weeks of his life, and my grandfather left this earth knowing that some bridges were being re-built, no matter how shaky.  Maybe my brothers will keep in touch, I'm not sure.  I don't expect the same on my end, perhaps because of the distance?  Either way, I'm glad we all proved that we could come together for my grandfather to celebrate his life and mourn his passing together.  It's something.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

April Showers

This is one gloomy Thursday, but it is a Thursday nonetheless.  I'll take it!  This week has felt really long.  I'm sure that can be partially attributed to all of the ups and downs with my grandfather.  As an update, family visits yesterday were mostly comprised of watching him sleep.  My brother went over lunch and said he slept pretty much the whole time, as they'd given him something for sleep mid morning.  My mom went last night and said again he slept most of the time, though he did wake a few times briefly to chat.  She said it was very calm and quiet.  I guess at this point sleeping is better. He got Ativan overnight again because of anxiety again.  I can only imagine how mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted he is these days.

Today is one of those days where I would rather be at home in comfy clothes lounging with my cats and enjoying the rain from a warm inside space.  Work is not a great stand in.  Today or tomorrow they're finally locking down the internet to block all the fun places you can go online and will be monitoring everything else.  They warned us it was coming last summer, so I guess we should be grateful it took them this long to implement.  Thank goodness for smart phones!

Nothing noteworthy on the schedule tonight.  Maybe the gym, cooking dinner at home with BF, the usual week night jam.  No big plans for the weekend either.  We have J for the full weekend.  We may go see a movie, I'm sure we'll run a couple of errands.  The weather is supposed to be fairly lousy so that's no help!  We may get a few errant snowflakes on Saturday morning, which is just depressing.

Still reading "The Elementals" and actually really enjoying it.  I'm still not quite halfway in, but I like the atmosphere of the book and look forward to reading it each evening on my commute home.  I'll admit there's not been a lot of action thusfar, but I feel like it's building to something and it's not boring me yet!

I gambled and made plans for next Friday night with my gf, A.  We are doing a manicure and haircut, respectively, at our salon after work and then going out for dinner and drinks after in DC.  Nothing too wild and crazy, but it will still be fun.  :-)  I've been hesitant to make many plans the last few days because of things with my grandfather, but I figure that whatever will be, will be, and none of my plans are set in stone.  One day at a time, blah blah blah.  :-)

Crossing fingers that Friday comes quickly.....

Wednesday, April 6, 2016


I apologize in advance for this post.  I feel guilty for bringing it here, however, I feel like I'm walking under a dark cloud since last night and I need to download the information somewhere to not carry it around by myself all day.  This stemmed from a late night conversation I had with my mom about my grandfather, and BF was asleep by the time I got off the phone.  I'll tell him about it later, but I just wasn't ready to tell him last night and there was zero time this morning. I thought about messaging a couple of different people about it, but have changed my mind.  It's my brother's 3 year wedding anniversary, so I didn't want to bring it up with him even though he's already aware of it.  I was going to message my ex-H because he was always very close to my grandfather and still writes him notes and the like.  But he's getting married in a week and a half and I didn't want to make him sad about it. I've thought about messaging my other brother, but I just don't know.

My mom standardly sends an update email each evening around the same time about my grandfather and how he was doing that day during her visit.  However, I didn't get one last night, which made me suspect it didn't go well, so eventually I emailed her to ask.  She wrote back and told me that it was an awful visit, he went berserk and it was just really terrible.  She didn't offer details, but instead told me to call if I wanted to know more, so I did.

Basically her visit started out fairly normally.  They were talking and things were OK, but not great. However, at some point "a switch flipped" and he was suddenly very angry.  I can't remember everything she told me, as it was all kind of an overwhelming blur.  It started with him asking if she got his letter.  She asked what letter and he told her he'd written letters to everyone.  She told him no, she hadn't gotten anything and asked what the letter said.  He told her he'd asked everyone to meet there (at the hospice house) that night. She asked why and he said "because I'm going to die tonight". She told him, no, he wasn't going to die and he told her that actually, he thought he'd died last night. At some point he also asked her how the previous night had gone, and my mom asked what he meant. He told her that he had died the night before and wanted to know how it went.

Anyway, when she told him he wasn't going to die he got frustrated and said that Bob (his older brother who is currently in a nursing home in Illinois suffering from Alzheimers) was supposed to be there, too.  My mom was of course very confused, but the conversation went on.  She said that he kept telling her he was in hell, this was hell, this was torture and he got very agitated.  He was yelling for help, but she didn't know why.  She tried to calm him down by taking his hand and talking to him. She asked what he wanted or needed.  He told her, very coldly and clearly, "I.WANT.TO.DIE."  She told him that while it was hard for her, it was OK for him to go if he was ready.  He then looked down at her hand and asked, "Why are you holding my hand?"  Keep in mind that basically everything he said after the switch flip was full of venom and anger.

He also told her at various times, "I'm dead", asked her why she was just sitting there.  She asked what she was supposed to be doing and he said, "I can't believe you're just sitting there doing nothing."  She again asked what she was supposed to be doing and he told her, "GO GET THE ATIVAN", but then added, "But it's not like they're going to give it to you.  They won't give it to you." She asked if he was upset with her for something and he told her no, he was mad at himself. She reminded him it was not his fault that he's sick, but it made no difference.  Finally my mom got a nurse and they gave him Ativan and Morphine.  It doesn't sound like it was very long before he was drugged up enough to calm down.

The whole thing sounded HORRIFYING.  As my mom was relaying this to me, still sounding shell-shocked and exhausted, I had this really unnerving idea of it being like The Exorcist, or someone possessed by a personality not their own. My grandfather doesn't yell.  He doesn't speak like that to people.  It wasn't him.  But he was saying all of these things and my mom kept talking about how disgusted he looked and how angry he sounded.  She also said she hadn't heard his voice that strong and clear in WEEKS.

Luckily, my mom called my stepdad at some point to tell him what was going on, and though she told him not to come to the hospice, he did.  I'm grateful that he was there for her because I truly can't imagine how upsetting this was.  The hospice nurse told her this is a very common part of the process, however upsetting it is.  My mom asked if this meant the end was near, and the nurse told her that in some cases this can last weeks, and in others it goes faster.  They really just don't know.

My mom very guiltily told me that she wants him to go, to end his suffering, and I had to assure her over and over that she shouldn't feel guilty about that.  He's ready to go.  I think that he's told us that nicely and calmly, but that he is getting frustrated that he's still here when he doesn't want to be, and this outburst, part of the process or not, was definitely his subconscious speaking out.  He's angry at his body for not letting him rest.  I reminded my mom that dying is what he wants, and that it will be a relief to him, and so it's OK for us to want him to have that relief.

They put him in adult diapers this week because he's too weak to go to the bathroom on his own. One last indignity if he's aware of it.  My mom said he's barely eaten, even less than before lately.  She said she had to look away the other day when they sat him up in bed and she saw how truly gaunt he has become. Yesterday he told her he'd had a couple of bites of applesauce, things like that.  For a whole day.  He's refusing meds, but they're apparently not a huge deal to not take considering his condition.  He's having more and more hallucinations or false memories.  There are the things like asking people to look behind doors that aren't there, but there are also just the smaller things like him telling my mom that my previously MIA brother was harping on other brother about setting up a monthly lunch on the one day when they ended up at the hospice together.  I know it sounds like a reasonable thing for normal people, but I would bet $100 that didn't happen on either side.  We just don't know what to believe anymore.

The idea of this lasting weeks makes me ill.  He will just get more gaunt, more incoherent, more helpless.  I am not a religious person, but I am wishing for his freedom from his pain and misery.  I want him to go be with my grandma finally.  He is done here.

My mom said that aside from not wanting him to go today (she doesn't want the day of his death to forever coincide with my brother's wedding anniversary), she's ready for him to go when it's time. My uncle and aunt are coming Saturday afternoon, and my mom said that at this point, she's not even sure she wants them to see him like this.  It's bad.  She also said that she's glad I came when I did because I got three good visits and only one bad one while I was there, and my visit was overall positive.  But he turned a corner for the worse only a few days later, and last night was definitely a new low point.

It feels awful to wish for a family member to leave this earth.  But this is no life anymore, not in any form my grandfather would have wanted.  He's here against his will at this point and is more than ready to move on.  I hope it comes soon, and I hope it comes quickly, the way he said he wanted it. He's been through enough.

Again, I apologize for this post.  I don't want to bring everyone down with me, but I just needed to share this somewhere this morning for my own sanity.  Any good thoughts or prayers or whatever you can offer would be appreciated.