Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Withdraw, Redirect.

That right there, in my subject line?  That's my new game plan.  Withdraw and redirect. 

I am addicted to someone that I shouldn't be.  Someone who, 95% of the time, isn't worthy of my affection or attention.  Someone who draws me in every now and again, fierce and strong, barreling past all of my tenuous walls, and makes me believe in him again.  Someone who, almost without fail, always lets me down more than usual in the days following those moments.  He says things like, "Sometimes it feels like we should be together."  Or he tells me that he thinks I'm trying to ruin him for all other women by being so beautiful and good with him.  And when I get upset about him being a dick, he says, "Bluemoon (ok, he says my actual name, but you get the idea), don't be upset."  And when I ask him why it even matters, why he cares, he says "Don't ask me loaded questions like that." 

So I go to sleep alone those nights clutching those words to me like a security blanket.  I get caught up in it, and I think that beyond his facade, he really does care about me, really does like me, but he's scared.  He's been burned before.  I rationalize away all of his previous instances of bad or thoughtless behavior, and I hold steady to the idea that I know the truth in him, and that it matters at all.

Then the cycle starts again.  Maybe I got an extra few days of nice before the detachment came this time, but it still came.  And suddenly it's like he is fine not talking to me, not seeing me.  And all those words that felt so meaningful feel hollow again, and I feel like a naive idiot.  Always the fool.  Always giving the benefit of the doubt when it's not deserved. 

Why can't I get this straight in my head?  It's the same concept I've gone over so many times, the same one that I zeroed in on via another blog I love to follow:  "I wasn't going to fight for someone who isn't confident in wanting me."  When I read that on He Loves Me Not, the words pulled me in, and I recognized myself in them.  I wrote them down, wanting to engrave them in my memory, like a shield against my own bad instincts.  Clearly, I've fallen down on that job. 

When someone is dismissive or detached or just willing to give me idle chatter at best 95% of the time, why the hell am I pining for him? 

Because when I'm with him:
I feel like we are the only people in the world.
he makes me feel beautiful and sexy and special
he looks into my eyes and I seriously get dizzy
he puts his hands on my face when he kisses me
I feel like he is a little bit in love with me
I feel like I am a little bit in love with him.

But it's not enough.  For awhile I was seeing him every week.  Then we went three weeks without seeing each other before spending one spectacular evening together.  Tomorrow it will be two weeks again, with no meeting in sight.

I go through the same pattern with him over and over.  The distance settles in and I feel hurt.  I vow to back off, to let things die off on their own.  But as soon as I do, it's like he knows it, and he reaches back out and pulls me back in.  This time around, my withdrawl only started yesterday evening.  My resolve is not good.  I've heard from half a dozen people how I should let him go.  How he's not enough.  How I deserve better.  I know all of this.  **I don't need to hear it anymore.**  I am trying to figure out how to untangle myself from this, and only I can do it, and only when I'm ready. 

I cannot promise that I won't get drawn back in.  Even right now, with the reality of all of this staring back at me, a tiny little part of me hopes he will draw me back in.  When I'm all the way back in the fold of him, I am happy and warm and I feel like I'm on the verge of something amazing.  I feel like I have found this very secret, very well hidden treasure, and I'm almost done unearthing it.  In those moments, he is mine and I am his, and it feels so right.

But I am trying.  I know it's not healthy for me.  I know that there is a possibility that by holding onto him, even in some small way, I am holding myself back from things that are better for me.  Things that feel good 95% of the time instead of 5% of the time. 

Hence my plan.  Withdraw and redirect.  Withdraw from him.  Stop reaching out.  Stop chasing, because let's be honest...that's what I've been doing for the past few days.  I get one presumably drunk text telling me he loves me a week and a half ago, and I forget that I have any pride or dignity.  I've spent the last too many days reaching out to him.  Sure, most of it was just idle conversation, but is wrong with me?  I need to knock it off. 

So withdraw.  I'm not initiating any more contact.  What if he contacts me?  I don't know.  He probably will, if history has anything to say about it.  I guess I will deal with that if and when it happens.  Maybe I need to go out and get a tattoo of one of these various things on my body somewhere I can't ignore:

Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I wasn't going to fight for someone who wasn't confident in wanting me.
People won’t always know how to treat you.  Sometimes you’ll have to teach them.
Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.
If you spend your entire life worrying about being chosen, waiting for someone to make a decision about you, where does that leave you?

OR, more directly:


  1. This guy really does sound like a jerk and as you said, you deserve better. Is he seeing other women in the weeks you spend apart?

  2. @Cortney: No, he's not seeing other people. He's a pretty solitary guy actually.

  3. please, please, please . . . please read what you wrote every day. every hour, if need be. you're being so honest with yourself - listen to you. you're a gorgeous, fun, funny, intelligent, compassionate, amazing woman. you know what you're talking about.

  4. @tracy: Trying. I swear, I'm trying. :)