Wednesday, June 27, 2012

dance, dance

Yesterday, oh it was a day.  I had a special moment over lunch wherein I realized that my pants were coming apart at the seams in the worst possible place.  Please note that this was the second time I had worn said pants, and unlike many of my clothes these days, these were loose on me (because I bought them to accommodate my less than ideal size until I remedy it).  And yet, they were just nicely splitting at the seam, and the split was beginning to travel up the back of the pants into visible territory.

I panicked, oh yes, I panicked.  I had no sweater or anything to tie around my waist.  I had no replacement clothes in my office.  I had visions of my pants just unraveling and falling off of me.  I borrowed a cardigan from a friend at work, tied it around my waist and made the mile trek to Gap to buy some new pants.  I found some cute ones that turned out to be on clearance, bought them, changed into them, and returned to work.  VOILA.  Day saved!  On a related note, the shoddily constructed pants will be going to get fixed, as I think a good, solid mending job will put them back on track to success.  I liked them because they are very lightweight for hot summer days!

Last night at home I had a good time.  I'm working to redirect my focus to being happier, appreciating the good things.  A random mood struck me later on in the evening, and my ipod was playing on the sound dock, and I took turns swooping up my two cats and dancing them around the living room with me.  Mostly I was laughing so hard at the absurdity of the whole scene that we didn't get much done, but it felt good to be ridiculous. 

Later on, the ridiculousness continued as I played Fruit Ninja on the Xbox Kinect, and did a trial of Just Dance 3 that I'd downloaded.  Um yeah, I'm going to buy that so I can more completely make a fool of myself in the comfort of my own living room.  Not only is it a damn hilarious way to spend some time, but it's a workout, too, and in my condition I can't turn away an opportunity for some cardio.  :-)

Because it was a good idea yesterday....

I love making a total, undeniable fool of myself on these Xbox Kinect games.  I love friendly strangers who open doors for you and smile in passing.  I love the smell of the perfume I'm wearing today.  I love how powerful I feel in heels.  I love Allegra for big bad allergy days like today, LOL.  I love watching silly tv shows that just make me laugh.  I love the friends I have who are good and true.  I love the month of June.  I love certain words like conundrum and deluge and tumultuous.  I love caring enough about my well-being to make a concerted effort to be happier, and to laugh until my stomach hurts over completely silly things.  :-)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Crooked He(art)

I tried to hang a picture last night without a level because I don't own a level.  It went pretty well!  By pretty well, I mean that it ended up just crooked enough to annoy me.  :-)  I spent ten minutes delicately trying to tap one nail upwards and one nail downwards.  Some of the cheapo paint on my wall (or maybe my actual wall, I don't even know) chipped off, so that was disappointing.  I ended up evening it up the best I could and leaving the picture as it was because I didn't want to stare at the mess underneath.  I still have two more to hang on the same wall!  Turns out there is a phone app that acts as a level, so I'm going to give that a whirl tonight, just because. 

Those are the three pieces I'm hanging.  A wonderfully gracious and talented friend of mine agreed to create some happy, bright art for my bedroom, and subsequently these three pieces were displayed as part of her body of art at a huge local art show.  The walls of her space were this gorgeous, bright pink, like the stuff of Disney princess dreams.  They made a fantastic backdrop for my future bedroom wall art!  I'm hanging them up in this same order, in this same fashion.  Maybe.  If I can manage it.  ;-)

I spent a lot of time last night considering my gloomy mood lately. Being this cynical, jaded and worn down is exhausting for the soul.  I know I am doing myself a dozen disservices by eating like a 14 year old slacker, getting severely insufficient exercise, and just overall falling down on the job of taking care of myself to the fullest extent.  I need to remember that the me I'm abusing right now is the only me I have, and that I need to treat myself better!

Screw negativity.  Screw wallowing.  Screw feeling sorry for myself when really, I don't have it so damn bad.  I love my job.  I love the people I work with and the firm that pays me to do it all.  I love my crazy pair of cats and their impromptu wrestling matches.  I love gorgeous days like today where there is next to no humidity, and the morning is cool and crisp and refreshing and totally un-summer like.  I love earrings with just the right amount of dangle, and bracelets that remind me of the waves of the ocean I saw in California.  I love shampoo that smells good all day, and iced white mochas, and songs that fill my heart with happiness every.single.time I hear them, even years after I discovered them.

I love being good at what I do.  I love conference calls with new people who have gotten in touch because they'd just heard about the wealth of experience I had brought to the firm, and who took notes as I answered questions they had.  I love a day full of productivity.  I love driving, and appreciate it so much more since I didn't start until I was 26.  I love the blonde highlights in my hair, I love the cute new heels I got this weekend.  I love climbing into my bed at night and the feel of cool sheets against my skin.  I love art that makes my heart swell with appreciation.

I love the outlet this blog provides me, and I love reading your comments, and I love seeing all of the interesting places people come from who have stumbled upon this very blog.  I love writing, even when I'm being emo and overwrought, and I really, really love taking a moment every now and again to redirect and to focus on the good things both big and small. :-)

Monday, June 25, 2012

Post-Birthday Ponderings

My 34th birthday was yesterday.  I cannot wrap my head around the idea that I am 34 years old.  I feel 24.  I feel younger now than I did when I was actually 24.  As usual, I've done things all out of order.

I'm not going to lie, it was a difficult birthday.  I wasn't all tangled up in knots about getting a year older.  Maybe next year, when I hit a small milestone birthday, but this year my difficulties were totally unrelated to that.  It just so happened that I had a really awful week leading up to the sunday birthday, and maybe even really a bad couple of weeks. 

I spent 3 out of 4 week nights last week crying about something or another.  I've been crazy emotional because so much has been going on, and it kind of all shook me to the core.  My world has been off balance.  My birthday is now over, but the balance has not shifted. 

I went out with friends on friday night to celebrate, and I did have a very good time.  I was disappointed by some friends who had promised to show up, but didn't, and yet I wasn't surprised.  Some people simply cannot be counted on.  They prove it over and over again.  I had fun with the friends who did show up, and I was at my bluemoon best.  I wore a dress, I was sparkly, happy me.  I smiled big smiles, I flirted, I was charming and funny and the perfect birthday girl.

Saturday I had lunch with a friend, and we caught up, and discussed all of the ways his life was moving forward.  He's putting in an offer on a house, he will likely be engaged soon.  Then we discussed how stuck I my job is the only thing holding me here anymore.  I spent the rest of the day and evening alone, running errands, catching up on DVR, listening to music.

Sunday, my birthday.  I woke up early.  My grandfather called.  My mom called.  I opened my presents.  I showered and headed out the door.  I spent birthday giftcards, got some cute new heels.  I drove out of my way for these errands because I felt like it.  Later in the afternoon I talked to my best friend on the phone.  I watched more DVR.  Listened to more music.  Did a few things around the house.  I wrapped up the evening chatting with some online dating guys, just because it was something to do.  And then it was midnight and another birthday had passed, and it was the most anticlimactic one I've had in years.

I feel quiet inside today.  It's an improvement over the emotional rollercoaster of last week, but it's strange nonetheless.  I know I've not posted here in ages, but I guess I've been in this weird sort of place for awhile, and I've not had any cohesive thoughts to share.  I don't feel like any of this is even very cohesive.  I just had to get it out of my system, to acknowledge it here, and hopefully follow up afterwards with a more directional post, a more concrete collection of ideas. 

I need to find the balance again.  I need to get out from under this little dark cloud that has been following me around, but first I need to figure out how.

Suggestions would not be ignored!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Excuses, excuses

“He is a man made up entirely of your excuses.  And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.”

That quote is from the ubiquitous book, "He's Just Not That Into You".  In the interest of full disclosure, I've not read that particular tome, though I have read "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken", which is by the same pair of authors.  I recently read the above quote in another post of a blogger I follow.  I copied it because it resonated, and thusly earned itself a blog post of its own here.

I know these books are full of cliches.  Generalizations.  Common sense.  In some cases, ridiculousness.  But I will reluctantly admit that I really appreciated much of the content of the latter book, recommended by a friend.  Sure, it's common sense. But in the wake of a breakup, sometimes common sense evades you, and you *need* to be reminded of the basics.  Reading it in the form of a book instead of hearing it from individual friends at a time makes you remember what a universal experience you're going through.  Millions have done it before you, millions are doing it alongside you, millions will do it in the future.  Everyone goes through breakups. 

Sometimes the most logical truths, the clearest bottom lines, the easiest answers evade you when you're coming out of a relationship.  The fog of an unhealthy relationship in particular is forceful and misleading, and it can take awhile to emerge from the confusion and begin to see how things really were.  This is what happens when you stop rationalizing, stop making excuses, and start opening your eyes.

I am a smart individual.  I am intelligent, I am successful in my career, I am often insightful about the lives and experiences of others.  I commiserate, I communicate, I support, I lead, I grow.  And yet.  I look back at the years of relationships I've had and I am floored by the amount of excuses that have been a) shuttled my way and b) manufactured and held out like a justification for shady, unacceptable, pathetic behavior by me for those I've been involved with.

Sometimes, when you take away all the excuses, there simply isn't anything left.  In acknowledgement of my past missteps and as a reminder for my future choices, please enjoy some of the excuses that have laid claim to my dignity over the years, as well as my response to them now.

The excuses I've been given:

You deserve better. (Damn straight I do.)
I can't give you what you want. (I see that now.)
I've been really hurt in the past. (Who hasn't?)
I just have so much going on right now. (That's life, baby.)
You want to do too much. (And you want to do nothing. FUN.)
I can't live up to the expectations you have of me. (I expect you to love me in a healthy way.  That's all.)
I need some time to figure out what I want. (Time is expensive.)
I'm taking a step away from you because I don't want to hurt you. (Can't I decide if I need to step away to protect myself?)
I think that if you move out, our relationship will get better. (BULLSHIT.)
You just want too much from me. (Yes, that's called a relationship.)

The excuses I've made:
He just needs someone to really love him and support him, and then he will be okay. (Probably not.)
His anger isn't about me, it's about something else. (Either way, anger.  Lots of it.)
He loves me, but is too broken inside to know how to handle it. (We're all a little broken.  Deal.)
He wants to be with me, but is afraid. (Bullshit.)
I hurt him before, so he is just being extra cautious with his heart. (That only gets you so far.)
If I give him enough time, he will let me in. (Sure.)
If I love him in the right way, for the right amount of time, he will love me back the same way. (I can't make anyone love me the way I love them.  Sometimes, it just won't happen.)
When his job/family situation/friend situation/life situation gets better, we'll be okay again.  (There will always be a new stressor.)
He's attracted to me, it's just his own insecurities that he's projecting on me. (It is not my job to be punished for his issues.)
He will be ready to marry me if/when/after/before this that or another. (He won't.)
He says the nicest things to me. (But he doesn't do anything nice to back it up.)
He does the nicest things for me. (But he can't express himself any other way, ever.)
He's a good person, he cares about me, even if he doesn't know how to show it, even if he says asinine/awful things or tells me I need to lose weight to be more attractive, or blows me off or teases me in a way that verges on insulting. (Actually, he's probably not.  In the very least, he's not a good person for me.)

Excuses are dead weight.  They're heavy loads to carry, they don't change anything and they just mask the truth of a situation.  If someone wants to be with you, they will. If someone wants to take care of you, support you, see you, love you, marry you, or just let you into their hearts, lives or families, they will.  Sometimes the simplest answer is the right one.  Sometimes the rest of it is just superfluous nonsense, giving artificial life to something that's already dead.

“He is a man made up entirely of your excuses.  And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.”

Poof.  There go so many of the men in my life, and really, so many of the failed relationships in general, disappearing in a whispery trail of excuses.  When the dust settles, I am still here. I will always be here.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Love Bites

So at work we've been working on several projects for firmwide distribution since I started in December.  Drafting forms and memos and templates for firm use, then meeting over and over to discuss them, revising them, running them past different people.  After six months of intense work on these items, we are finally getting closer to rolling them out.

As a first step in this rollout, firm management is introducing some of these items at the weekly partners' meeting today.  This will be their first look at things we've been working on for months, and our risk management counsel will be there making a presentation to provide a backdrop for it all.  Once we factor in any thoughts they may have today, we will make (hopefully) one or two final revisions and call it done, then subsequently roll it out firmwide.

So this partners' meeting is a weekly thing, but the guest speaker and the rollout materials are new, and since we were so integral in the development of these items, the billing manager and myself will be in attendance.  We want to hear what materials are presented and how, and to bear witness to the true, first reactions to our "babies".  ;-) 

I've never been to a partners' meeting before since, you know, I'm not a partner, or even an attorney.  But I'm going today, and it's exciting and I'm looking forward to it.  Some of the partners still don't know who I am in person, so hopefully the additional exposure will help once the rollout begins and the questions start.  I fully expect to be the bad guy for a month or three after the rollout...we have made a huge, but necessary overhaul of firm procedures, and it will be a lot of change.

Last night, I had my monthly acupuncture appointment.  I told S, my acupuncturist, that I'd been feeling discombobulated and out of focus lately, so she gave me some additional needles for stress.  A couple of those go right into a very muscled area of the shoulders, near the neck.  I got home last night and had a raised bump and the tiniest hint of a bruise on one side where one of those needles went.  Put some arnica gel on it, as S recommends for these rare occasions, went to bed.

Today, it is a nice, well developed purple bruise.  On my shoulder verging towards my neck.  If I recall, it's kind of a common spot for, you know, a love bite. A hickey, if you will.  And while it doesn't look overtly like a hickey, it doesn't NOT look like one.  My shirt doesn't hide it. 

HI, PARTNERS!  Here I am, your trusty newish person changing everything...don't mind the sexy little love bite on my neck.  I swear, I am a complete professional.


**This post was about something different than you expected, wasn't it?  Admit it.  :-)

Friday, June 1, 2012

This life has been a test.

"This life has been a test. If this had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do."
-My So-Called Life

Ever feel like you could use a cheat sheet for your life?  Or better yet, a fire drill to put off figuring it out at all?  Today, I feel like I need a fire drill.

It's almost becoming comical, the complete lack of comprehension and insight I have into my own life.  I wax poetic in here acting like I know something, pretending to understand what the hell I'm doing, but it's all a fake out.  If I've learned anything at all lately, it's this:  I don't know anything.

Anytime I think I've figured something out, life takes my test paper, glances at it, laughs raucously and throws something at me that totally disproves or distorts what I thought I knew.  It's kind of exhausting.  Nothing is ever simple.  Everything is in flux, changing as I change.  Just when I think I'm catching up, I fall behind again.  WTF, mate?

Let's tear down the curtain between real and imagined and lay it out as it really stands.

I don't know what I want.
Even if I did, everything I based that knowledge on would shift and reshape itself as the realization were crossing my mind. 
As soon as I'm sure about something, it's not sure about me.

Ambiguity is a bitch, folks.  I don't like it.  It drives me a little crazy.  I want definitive knowledge.  I want to know where I stand.  I don't want to put myself out there for a lost cause, or to get embarrassed or hurt or walked over.  I don't want to overextend myself, or become an easy target.  Like me or don't.  Decide to spend time with me or not.  Don't jerk me around, and don't stick around if I put myself on the idiot pedestal and behave in a way that shows I've lost sight of how to have some self-respect.  Do me a favor and don't indulge me.

I've toiled about something for the last couple of weeks.  I thought I finally came to a decision about where I stood, and it was not easy for me.  A lot of things in my head shifted, I was working so hard to re-train my brain to think in healthier ways.  And then as soon as I started settling into the idea of it, things got pulled up into a vortex of messiness again.

It would be really nice to have an open book life test.  I want the answers in front of me.  A predictable path.  Just once.  For a little bit.  The comfort and familiarity of knowing I'm going the right way. I am growing so weary and exhausted of wandering blindly through things, making choices alternately based on logic and randomness, just to see what happens. 

If this life is a test, someone please pull the fire alarm.  I think about it sometimes when I pass one, but I just don't have the nerve.