Thursday, July 21, 2011

Humiliation, Party of One

I am having a day.  Already.  It's 930 in the morning.  I forgot to wear earrings.  I straightened my hair and by the time I got to work it had started rebelling because it is disgustingly hot and humid outside.  And now I have a migraine coming on.  I need to take one of my million dollar migraine pills, but I have to have something on my stomach first, and not a single thing sounds remotely appealing.  I just ate one saltine cracker and it was like torture.  I have 3 more on my desk and I'm eyeing them with disdain.

Really, I think this is all just karmic retribution for an hour of completely embarrassing behavior on my part last night.  If I could just scrub that hour from existence I would feel so much better.  It tainted the rest of my evening.  The worst part?  I can't even blame hormones or anything else.  It was just me, falling apart at the seams in front of someone who shouldn't have had to witness it, much less endured the personal aftermath.

I'm not going to get into specifics because really, acknowledging it happened at all is enough.  The bottom line is that I cried, very unexpectedly and very enthusiastically, in front of someone.  Then when asked why I was crying, I ignored the red flashing warning lights in front of me and spilled far too much truth.  I was such a disaster-crying, laughing because this person was trying to lighten the mood while hiding the inevitable horror at how I was behaving, and the vast embarrassment at my display of emotion and my inability to control it.  I was fighting HARD to not sob unabashedly. 

Once I was alone again, it came.  I cried hard, racking, heaving sobs.  Part of it was humiliation over the scene I'd just created and been a part of, and the rest...I'm still not sure.  I know what specific moment sparked the actual tears, but it had been lying in wait before that, and once I started it was hard to stop.  It was like I had this backlog of built up emotion, and it all just came spilling out at exactly the wrong time. 

I was so embarrassed all night.  I logged out of chat, Facebook and just mostly tried to ignore my phone.  I was exhausted and I got into bed early, though I only actually fell asleep a bit earlier than usual.  This morning, I woke up feeling tired and then once I remembered, embarrassed again.

The witness to my collapse last night messaged me just about first thing this morning and was very gracious about it by acting like things were normal.  I don't know if that will last, but I was grateful for that.  I was grateful that they didn't just run in the opposite direction of me, or use this as the perfect excuse to stop talking to me.  I am still not proud of how things unfolded in that hour, but I do appreciate the small gift that was given to me this morning by my companion.  Everyone has a little something amazing in them, I suppose.

Just took my migraine pill.  I feel drained, but hopefully the pilll will help me and the day will improve from here.  Just one of those thursdays, I guess.

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