Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Too much

I'm overdue for an update.  Last week wrapped up as a very busy week, and I was incredibly grateful for the happy hour I had with co-workers Friday night.  I definitely needed the break, the social side of things, and the laughter.  After happy hour, the girls of the group went to get dinner together, which was a great way to cap off the evening.  I got a nice, pleasant buzz and headed home on my merry way.

This weekend I saw the ex.  I was out in his area to pick something up from my dog's old vet office, and he had something of mine, so we met up in a Target parking lot (seriously) for me to get it.  I won't lie, it was awkward.  I hadn't seen him since March when we broke up, and I kept thinking of all that had transpired since then.  He gave me a hug upon seeing me, which felt incredibly awkward, and I said as much.  He seemed surprised that I thought it was awkward, but I don't believe it wasn't a little bit the same for him.  We managed to chat for about 20 minutes and things felt easier.

He's very strange about his new girlfriend. All I know is that she's hugely insecure and threatened by pretty much the entire population of women, in particular me.  I don't know why..he loved me, but we were never right.  Either way, he's super cagey about her and seems reticent to talk about it beyond the surface, which is fair.  I asked if she was living with him yet and he got very strange, so I'm assuming that answer is yes, but I can't figure out why it matters.  I don't want him back.  He feels no issue asking me about my life, why can't I do the same?

This week at work, and the end of last, has been very hectic.  We are insanely busy and I've felt very overwhelmed and a bit like I'm drowning.  I've worked through my lunch a couple of times because we are in a time crunch, but I know that's not good for makes me a little insane when the workload and stress levels are this high. 

I had acupuncture last night, and it was one of those nights where some of the needles HURT, in particular the ones she did for carpal tunnel.  As soon as she left the room, leaving me in the cool darkness, tears sprung to my eyes and rolled passively down my cheeks.  Sometimes that happens.  It's like she taps into everything going on inside of me and those needles act like a release. It was just a brief moment of tears, but after that I finally settled into a deep relaxation, and I think I may have actually fallen asleep.  When she came in mid way to check on me, I woke up, but I think I did it again after she left.  I needed that.

I was feeling a bit aimless after my appointment.  I didn't want to go home.  I didn't want to go to R's like I'd considered doing.  I ended up contacting my ex-H, whom I'm friends with again for these last several months.  I went to his apartment and we watched the Redskins game, and it was nice to just hang out with someone and not have to try to be anything or do anything.  Sometimes I just get so tired of everyone either pawing at me or making sexual innuendo or even flirting with me...I just want to be left alone and talked to like a normal person. I don't always want to flirt or play.  Luckily, and oddly, hanging out with my ex-H is a guaranteed way to get that break, and I'm thankful for it.

I still need to do a brief boy update, but that will have to be another post, as the workload on my desk is calling.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

life remixed

I love remixes.  Many of my very favorite songs are remixes of an original.  They keep the best elements of the song, and add in new and unusual elements, and often times end up with something quite spectacular.  Familiar, but not. 

I need a life remix.  The summer of wild and impulsive decisions ends on Friday with the commencement of the autumn season.  It was good while it lasted, and I'm glad I got to spend the summer doing exactly what I wanted, with no accountability to anyone.  Yes, I made some mistakes.  I let certain things go on past their expiration date.  I trampled a little bit on my own dignity at times.  I made a fool of myself.  But you know what?  I'm grateful for all of it.  Every single up and down.  I lived this summer.  I made a big stride in getting a better sense of my own limits, and who I am at the very core of things.

I didn't always know what I wanted or who I was.  But sometimes I discovered things by learning what I did NOT want, who I was NOT.  I shouldn't be's always easier for me to tell someone what I don't want to eat than to figure out what I do want to eat.  What movie I don't want to see versus what one I do.  I work backwards that way, I guess!

I cried a lot this weekend.  I cry entirely too much.  I know this.  But it was such a weird weekend.  So draining.  Friday was good.  I went to a movie with B-Day Guy, who I am officially renaming R.  Yup, just R.  Saturday I made chili and brownies, which was good. I got into a big argument with a friend that day as well.  Not good.  I went to a friend's going away party and then hung out with R for a couple of hours.  Good.  Back at home, ArtBoy and I engaged in what would be our final conversation, and I cried a lot.  Not good.

Sunday was brunch and a drive on a beautiful day.  Good.  Got home to watch football and got an email from an online dating guy I'd had plans with for the week, who was cancelling because his old girlfriend is coming back to town, and it wouldn't be fair to meet me while things are still unfinished.  Not good.  I finished the day over at R's, watching football, talking and feeling better about things.  Good.

I've been in kind of a down place lately.  Jaded by the dating business.  Hurt/confused/exhausted by the ArtBoy situation.  With ArtBoy, I willfully dropped my standards so low in so many ways, and I accepted behavior from him that I wouldn't let anyone else get away with.  That interaction was so, so dysfunctional.  Closing the book on that chapter of my life was the right thing to do.  But it was hard. 

I had to get a push to do it.  He ignored me for three days and when he came back, he did so with a completely inappropriate request, while at the same time couching said request with the information that it was sparked by "this girl he was with".  Yeah, so that was that.  I told him I was done with this.  Within half an hour I deleted him off Facebook and Gmail.  I had to.  I didn't want to, but I had to.  I am not built to deal with someone like that.

Anyway.  I'm okay right now.  It still makes me sad.  The online dating site I met him at still occasionally populates with his picture and profile as a suggestion of a match, I quickly change pages.  Google+ still keeps suggesting I add him because he still has me in his Circles on there.  Honestly, I don't know if I even register enough in his life for him to have noticed he got cut from these things.  Really I guess it doesn't matter.

So, my life.  In need of a reboot.  A remix.  Even if I remain perpetually single for awhile, I will be just fine.  I can take care of myself, and I am so grateful to have R to hang out with and talk to.  He lives so close by and it's so nice to have that outlet, that place to go when I need a hug.  He has turned out to be an amazing, totally unexpected friend.  He treats me the way I deserve to be treated, and the way I should hold future boyfriends accountable to treating me. 

I don't deserve to be blown off.  Disrespected.  Spoken to like I am a whore.  Condsescended to.  I don't deserve to give endlessly and get nothing in return.

Bring on the life remix.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Reasons Why

"Why should you delete him? Because he's not right for you, and frankly on an emotional scale he is beneath you both in friendship and love."

The above is advice from a good friend.

It is advice I followed.  Enough is enough.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Downloading the random

In the midst of a workday where I am sifting through any number of undesirable projects to be completed, my mind is jumbled with random thoughts.  I give them to this blog.

Lately, I've had fleeting thoughts of giving up on dating men and just pursuing Adele.  Yeah, the singer.  The one with the deliciously layered, soulful voice.  The one whose lyrics speak to me in the way  that only the best kind do, where it feels like the words are about your life, your heart, your experiences.  Brilliant.  Turns out Adele is only 23, so I'd be kind of a cougar in my pursuit of her, but honestly, wouldn't it be worth the scandal?  I liked a couple of her songs as they came out, but recently have become quite obsessed with her albums.  So yeah, Adele?  Brilliant.

Two nights ago, in preparation for my plans that got cancelled last night, I spent a fair amount of my evening on primping.  I took a bath and shaved my legs, I washed and straightened my hair, I painted my nails.  I got an outfit ready, had thoughts on jewelry, and pondered the right perfume and makeup.  I spent yesterday morning anticipating said plans, but all the while feeling a little tinge of fear that they would fall through.  Fall through they did, around 2pm.  Disappointing.  So I was all sparkly and smooth and delightful for no reason.  A girlfriend pointed out that I should just consider it in terms of doing things for myself, to feel good about myself.  Hmm.  Yeah, except that if I'd know those plans would fall through, I would have just left my damn hair curly. 

I went out to lunch yesterday with the girlfriend mentioned above.  I got this Italian Turkey Club panini, and I am still thinking about this sandwich.  Proscuitto is my new favorite thing.  I need to get back to Wegmans this weekend to pick some up, along with some of their deli turkey, some provolone cheese and some genoa salami.  And bread, LOL.  All of these things together make for a very delicious sandwich.  This time perhaps I shall try it on my Foreman grill, to pretend it is like a panini at home.  Why yes, I did just write a paragraph about a sandwich.  What of it?

Got a free ten minute seated massage yesterday at work as part of the firm's Health Fair.  It was lovely and relaxing.  Got conned into a consult at the office of said vendor, lured in by the promise of a free 30 minute massage.  The Dr. asserts with great confidence that he can do wonders for migraines.  Hell, I'll try anything.  The consult and massage are free because of their partnership with my firm, so I'm willing to give it a shot.  Not dating anyone, so may as well have a stranger give me human contact, LOL.  Kidding!!  Mostly.

My mind is tired.  I feel like I need a nap.  It's a good thing I don't have any plans tonight.  All I did last night was run one quick errand, but I feel like I mentally exhausted myself with my pity party.  Tonight I must find a way to legitimately relax.

Wallowing, a sport for one

Did you know that last night I had a major pity party for myself?  It was festive!  There were tears, unbearable coughing fits that left my abdomen and back aching, a pitiful hot shower in the dark, more tears (shed over a bowl of pasta I begrudgingly ate at 9pm), and the capper, me in sweatpants and a hoodie, curled up on the couch like the loneliest, saddest girl in the world.  I went to bed without watching TV, and I cried some more, and I coughed some more.  It was PATHETIC.

Nope, I'm not hormonal, just lame.  Happens to the best of us, I guess!

I had plans with someone and they bailed late in the afternoon.  Just cause, but it was still disappointing.  Then B-Day Guy.  He had a date last night, and had told me in advance that he was going to come by after.  Well, the date ended up going way better than he expected, and so he didn't come by.  He did call, and we talked, but I spent the conversation feeling sorry for myself.  He goes on ONE DATE, the first he's been on in ages, and has an awesome time, and I go on twenty and they all suck.  WTF?

Then he ended the call abruptly and told me he'd call me back, which he never did.  I texted him and teased him (half joking, anyway) that I saw how he was, one good date and he abandoned me.  He told me he'd call me tomorrow (today) and that we'd hang out tonight, and that he'd rented Thor. 

1) I will not watch Thor.
2) I don't want a pity hang.  :-)

This was pretty late, so I just didn't reply.  To sleep I went!  He texted me this morning and told me to call him at work, but I'm not interested in doing that, so I'm not. 

I'm bummed because even though I don't want to date B-Day Guy myself, I have really enjoyed hanging out with him so much, and I know that if he keeps dating this person that will change.  Also, I remain slightly scornful at his luck! 

Beyond that, I had plans with a couple of girlfriends for Sunday, and they fell through, so that was disappointing.  I did make alternate plans, which is all fine and good, but I'd been looking forward to catching up with the original people, so it wasn't quite the same.

Honestly, I'm kind of fed up with myself right now.  I don't know what I want.  I'm very quick to dismiss all of the people I've gone on dates with, I get hung up on people I shouldn't, I want to be single, but I don't.  I am a directionless mess!

I went on a date Sunday, not even worth thinking of a nickname because it didn't go anywhere and won't.  Talking to a few more people, but I barely care.  Lately I'm just very discouraged and that's why I hadn't been on a date in over a month.  I just expect it to suck, and it does.  Everyone is perfectly nice, blah blah blah, but that's just not enough.  I know enough nice people!

Anyway, I woke up on time this morning (overslept yesterday) and my cough felt a little better.  As I showered, I thought about how ridiculously I behaved last night and was kind of annoyed by myself.  As I've written this post, though, I've realized that I've not quite gotten rid of all of the gloominess and cynicism.  I guess I just need to let it be and hopefully the day will swing upwards soon.

Work is really busy, and I have an awesome work event to look forward to tomorrow night, so that's exciting.  I will take what I can get!

I sign off, the gloomiest, most pathetic girl in the world (at least last night).  :-)

Friday, September 2, 2011

An Unintentional Compliment is Still a Compliment

Last night I hung out with BirthdayGuy.  For the record, I really wish I'd given him a better nickname because that one is just stupid, but I never thought he'd keep popping up like he has!

Anyway, Wednesday night we went on an un-date to see a movie together.  We had a good time and I feel very comfortable with him and he makes me laugh.  Last night he went to the Redskins game, and came over after.  We basically just hung out and talked, and we ended up having a really interesting discussion. 

Since we started hanging out more, BirthdayGuy has made a big point to tell me not to fall for him, don't like him, we aren't going to date, etc., etc.  It's become a running joke between us, but lately the continuing barrage of the same sentiment has grown old, so I mentioned it.  I then asked him, for the sake of curiosity, why he was so vehemently against dating me.  I noted that I wasn't asking because that's what I wanted, but because I was puzzled about why it was so important for him to make that point over and over.

After a lot of inarticulate blathering, which is interesting because he's very intelligent and well spoken generally, he told me that a) he likes the friendship we have and doesn't want to ruin it and b) he likes to date people he can see marrying, and he doesn't know if he would marry me.

I had to laugh.  I wasn't offended in the slightest, I was just intrigued.  I asked why.  The first thing he said was, "You are very strong-willed."  I asked him to elaborate, and he continued on to say that I am very stubborn, possibly more so than him.  (NOTE:  We'd just had a verbal sparring session that lasted probably 10 minutes over the pronunciation of a certain word.  I'd lobbied for my opinion intensely and told him that it must have been sad for him to be so wrong, LOL.) 

Since we were being honest, I told him that I understood, and that I couldn't probably ever date him because he'd made it very clear that he does not get the idea of being friends with exes.  He is very bothered by the fact that I'm friends with some of mine, and this is from the stance of someone whom I'm not even dating.  He agreed that this was true, and it would have been an issue for him.  However, he also understood my logic, which is that my last relationship was with someone who thought I could be just friends with no man, and wanted to isolate me from all the men I knew.  I'd explained to him that in the 6 months I've been single, I've re-embraced my own personal freedom of choice, and that I was not going to sacrifice that again just because someone tells me to.

So it was a very direct and honest and fascinating conversation, and I feel like I finally understand BirthdayGuy a little better now, and hopefully he will feel less inclined to repeatedly tell me not to fall in lvoe with him.  I also pointed out that I found it a little bit insulting that so many men assume that just because I flirt with them and enjoy spending time with them, that I have or will fall madly, illogically in love with them.  NOT TRUE!

I have to say, though, the best part of that whole conversation for me was something that didn't get a ton of specific discussion.  The fact that he identified me as strong-willed...I don't know why, but that felt like a glowing, awesome compliment.  Truly.  It makes me feel like he sees me as a strong individual in general, someone who sticks to her beliefs and opinions no matter what, and who advocates for herself. 

My relationship with the Ex made me so insecure, and I was at the lowest point I'd ever been by the end of it.  I had so little self-confidence, and no one in their right minds would have looked at me and described me as strong-willed.  I was a pushover.  Spineless.  Naive.  I got walked over routinely and basically asked for more by sticking around in spite of it.

Now I know that some people hear strong-willed and think it's a nice way of saying bitch, or bossy or demanding.  But the fact is that when I hear that characteristic attributed to me, from someone who sort of knows me, but doesn't know me completely, I feel proud.  I feel good.  I feel like I am finally putting out a healthier, better vibe into the universe.  I hope it sticks around, and I hope that it helps me attract the people and the energy that can appreciate my strength, and value the person it makes me.

Strong-willed, indeed.  :-)

Packing up the Infatuation Baggage

"we can't be friends
because you like me too much
and we are wrong for each other."

Truly, I have to commemorate these gems from Artboy because he says things no one else would ever say to me.  He is a special kind of special.

Let the record show that after this conversation, the one that eventually made me cry, he messaged me again an hour or two later with idle chatter.  And the next morning.  And last night.  And so it goes.

I know everyone thinks I need to block him.  Cut him off.  Throw him to the wolves for being a jackass.  Believe me, I am not denying his jackassery.  I am the first in line to speak of it, for I've known it firsthand many times.  But at least for now, I'm not going to quit him to that degree.

If I can just retrain my thoughts about him, then chatting with him via IM or text about complete nonsense or just day to day randomness will not be a problem.  Maybe it's wrong, but he amuses me generally, and I enjoy puzzling out what he's saying to me because half the time I have to google it to know what he means.  He is unlike anyone I've ever met. 

I am not actually in love with him. 
I am not pining for him.
I am not denying that he has hurt me.

But the bottom line here is that since almost the very beginning, he has been very honest and forthright about what he can give me and who he is.  I am the one who turned him into more than that in my own mind.  It was the product of a weird infatuation I've had with him.  Right now, when I imagine how I will look back on Artboy in the future, I feel like he will be the quirky, moody artistic boy I dated very briefly, then stayed tangled up with for a summer.  I feel like he will be, in the tiniest of ways, the one who got away because he couldn't handle what I brought to the table.  It's not about me and my lacking, but about him and his.

Maybe in a few months or a year I will look back at this and laugh.  Maybe I will be amused at how much I overvalued him, and I will realize that in the end, he was just the moody, artistic, quirky guy I dated briefly.  That whatever I felt for him was a product of where I was in my life, what I was ready for, and what I needed at the time.  That really, I was never even a little bit in love with him. 

It will be what it will be.  And for now I will talk to him as I talk to him.  However, do know that I will no longer be suggesting we get together.  I will no longer be going out of my way to prove my friendship to him.  I will no longer be throwing myself at him, or drunk texting him, or enticing him in any way.  I do have some measure of pride, somewhere in there. 

Perhaps you all think I am naive for my approach.  Maybe you just absolutely know that I won't be able to keep the lines, and that I will purposefully or even inadvertently put myself out there again down the line only to get hurt.  Maybe you are right.  I do have trouble filtering my thoughts to him.  I tend to just say exactly what is on my mind.  It was liberating for awhile, but at this point clearly all it's done is overexpose my heart to him, and caused him to panic and pull back.  So be it.  I can't change what I've said and done already, and really, I don't want to.

It's weird.  Setting aside the hurt, it feels good to have had that kind of direct honesty with someone.  I spend so much time calculating and considering and hypothesizing and just generally overthinking, and with Artboy...pretty much everything I've said in here about him I've said to him.  It's true.  Was it crazy to do?  I don't know, maybe.  But it feels good to know that I was totally honest with him about how I felt about him, even if it was to my own detriment. 

I'm not going to try to have conversations about how we actually are friends, or why we should or shouldn't date.  I'm not going to try to save him from himself, or anything like that.  But I'm not going to close the door on him entirely.  I am going to put myself to the test.  I will not just assume that I am going to fail in this new tactic.  I am capable of reframing my attitude about him, and my expectations of him, and that is what I'm going to do.

As of today, September 2nd, Artboy is still a part of my life.  His role is shifting and adjusting as I type, but he has not been cut from the cast.  He is still there, in the background, intriguing me a little, entertaining me a little, and yes, probably pissing me off a little on occasion.  But that is Artboy. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

letting go

Sometimes when a person pushes you away over and over and over again, you eventually have to just listen.