life remixed

I love remixes.  Many of my very favorite songs are remixes of an original.  They keep the best elements of the song, and add in new and unusual elements, and often times end up with something quite spectacular.  Familiar, but not. 

I need a life remix.  The summer of wild and impulsive decisions ends on Friday with the commencement of the autumn season.  It was good while it lasted, and I'm glad I got to spend the summer doing exactly what I wanted, with no accountability to anyone.  Yes, I made some mistakes.  I let certain things go on past their expiration date.  I trampled a little bit on my own dignity at times.  I made a fool of myself.  But you know what?  I'm grateful for all of it.  Every single up and down.  I lived this summer.  I made a big stride in getting a better sense of my own limits, and who I am at the very core of things.

I didn't always know what I wanted or who I was.  But sometimes I discovered things by learning what I did NOT want, who I was NOT.  I shouldn't be surprised...it's always easier for me to tell someone what I don't want to eat than to figure out what I do want to eat.  What movie I don't want to see versus what one I do.  I work backwards that way, I guess!

I cried a lot this weekend.  I cry entirely too much.  I know this.  But it was such a weird weekend.  So draining.  Friday was good.  I went to a movie with B-Day Guy, who I am officially renaming R.  Yup, just R.  Saturday I made chili and brownies, which was good. I got into a big argument with a friend that day as well.  Not good.  I went to a friend's going away party and then hung out with R for a couple of hours.  Good.  Back at home, ArtBoy and I engaged in what would be our final conversation, and I cried a lot.  Not good.

Sunday was brunch and a drive on a beautiful day.  Good.  Got home to watch football and got an email from an online dating guy I'd had plans with for the week, who was cancelling because his old girlfriend is coming back to town, and it wouldn't be fair to meet me while things are still unfinished.  Not good.  I finished the day over at R's, watching football, talking and feeling better about things.  Good.

I've been in kind of a down place lately.  Jaded by the dating business.  Hurt/confused/exhausted by the ArtBoy situation.  With ArtBoy, I willfully dropped my standards so low in so many ways, and I accepted behavior from him that I wouldn't let anyone else get away with.  That interaction was so, so dysfunctional.  Closing the book on that chapter of my life was the right thing to do.  But it was hard. 

I had to get a push to do it.  He ignored me for three days and when he came back, he did so with a completely inappropriate request, while at the same time couching said request with the information that it was sparked by "this girl he was with".  Yeah, so that was that.  I told him I was done with this.  Within half an hour I deleted him off Facebook and Gmail.  I had to.  I didn't want to, but I had to.  I am not built to deal with someone like that.

Anyway.  I'm okay right now.  It still makes me sad.  The online dating site I met him at still occasionally populates with his picture and profile as a suggestion of a match, I quickly change pages.  Google+ still keeps suggesting I add him because he still has me in his Circles on there.  Honestly, I don't know if I even register enough in his life for him to have noticed he got cut from these things.  Really I guess it doesn't matter.

So, my life.  In need of a reboot.  A remix.  Even if I remain perpetually single for awhile, I will be just fine.  I can take care of myself, and I am so grateful to have R to hang out with and talk to.  He lives so close by and it's so nice to have that outlet, that place to go when I need a hug.  He has turned out to be an amazing, totally unexpected friend.  He treats me the way I deserve to be treated, and the way I should hold future boyfriends accountable to treating me. 

I don't deserve to be blown off.  Disrespected.  Spoken to like I am a whore.  Condsescended to.  I don't deserve to give endlessly and get nothing in return.

Bring on the life remix.