Monday, October 10, 2011

Wow. I actually am learning.

The guy I posted about from last week....I thought that since I hadn't heard from him since the Wednesday debacle, he was going to be the one person who didn't come back to me.  I was wrong.

Tonight around 11:15, I got a call while I was on the phone with my mom.  I looked to see who it was and saw his name on the caller ID.  In spite of my mom's protests, I told her I would call her back after I took this call.

He sounded like his old self.  The one I'd spoken to on the phone for hours upon hours.  The one I spent an evening video chatting with.  The one I'd confided in, who'd confided in me.  The one I was fiercely attracted to. I was not my normal self in the call.  I was more clipped.  He said "It's INSERT NAME HERE."  I said I knew, my caller ID had told me as much.  He joked "What, it didn't say Mr. Wonderful?"  NO.

He asked how I had been.  I said I was good.  I asked how he was.  He told me he was still getting over being sick.  He told me he'd missed talking to me, and that he'd been thinking about me for the last couple of days.  I said something like "Hmm" or "Ahh."  He again asked how I was doing.

"I don't think we are a good match."  That's what I told him then.  Miniscule moment of silence, and then he said "Ok", and I said "Ok" and he said goodbye.

So there it was.  For the first time in my life, I saw the red flags and cut it off before I got entangled.  I stood up for what was best for me.  I didn't explain myself at length, I didn't cry, I didn't justify.  I just directly told him the bottom line:  we were not a good match.

My instincts retroactively yearned to have explained.  To have told him exactly why. But you know what?  He knows why.  In all those hours of conversation, I told him about my past relationships.  My patterns I was trying hard to break.  What I was NOT looking for.  How I was going to try to get involved in something good for me for once.  He knew all of that.  And even still, he acted out.  He lived down to exactly what I am trying to avoid.  He definitively showed me that he is another person who is not ready for an adult relationship.  Another person who is not ready for me and what I have to offer.

In spite of myself, I do feel bad.  I felt very weird and discombobulated after the call because I've honestly never addressed something so directly and honestly, before it hurt me deeply.  I've never cut something negative off at the pass like that.

It was hard seeing his name come up on caller ID because for a split second, I got that happy rush I associated with the old version of him, pre Wednesday.  I was excited to see his name.  And when I picked up, he sounded like his old self.  Cheerful, funny, sweet.  And I wanted so badly to just be able to accept that and move forward.

But I couldn't.  I know better now, like it or not.  I know that those red flags would come back.  I know that these good moments would not last, and that eventually he'd hurt me again, or disappoint me, or show me I was wrong to forgive him so easily.  I saw the future with this person, and it was like a carbon copy of past relationships that went wrong.

The sad thing is that I still think he is a good person.  I don't hate him.  Deep down, and someday, I hope that the good I saw in him will come out and be appreciated.  But right now it's all mixed up with the bad.  Right now it is in hiding and he doesn't know how to deal with it, and I can't be the one to fix it.  I can't be the one to convince him how good he is, how worthwhile he is.  I can't be the one who bears the brunt of his frustration with the world because I'm the only one he really lets in.  It's not fair to me.  It never was.

I know I hurt him.  But he hurt me, and I did nothing to deserve it.  And then he called me days later and an apology was never offered.  That should have been the first thing out of his mouth. But it wasn't, and that just proves again that this is another person who can't see past themselves just yet.  Another person to whom I would be second fiddle to.  An afterthought.  Someone to emotionally drain and take advantage of without giving anything back.

I did the right thing tonight.  I am proud of myself.  I finally have some tangible proof that I am starting to learn from my mistakes.

But it still hurts.  It is still disappointing.  It's still hard.  But I did it.