Monday, December 31, 2012

Anything Could Happen

I stole the title of my post from a song I'm currently hooked on, which is Ellie Goulding's "Anything Could Happen".  It's happy, light and hopeful, and that seems like a good way to close out 2012 and open the door to 2013.

2012 has been a very interesting year for me.  If you'd asked me on December 31, 2011 if I thought that I'd still be single one year later, I would probably have laughed at you.  Me?  Single for over a year and a half?  No way.  But here I am, and the world still turns, and I'm still moving forward. 

I was a relationship person for my entire adult life.  I jumped from the end of one into the beginning of another, never allowing myself anytime to breathe or grow individually.  I was in love with the idea of being in love, and dependent on it in many ways.  I needed that connection and companionship and title to feel complete.

There is something amazing about being happy on your own.  Something liberating.  Empowering.  Emboldening.  Something that dances inside and makes you feel like a true superstar.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  I am not reliant on anyone else to make me feel good about myself. 

Also?  If on 12/31/11 you'd asked me what I saw in my physical fitness future, I would have shrugged and said that hopefully I'd get into a routine of going to the gym a few times a week.  Meh.  Never in a million years did I expect to be this person who goes to the gym 5-6 times a week on my own, plus meets with a personal trainer twice a week.  A person who finds joy in sore muscles because it means I'm doing something right, a person who works to up the intensity on the machines as I'm able, who pushes harder and pedals faster and focuses on my breathing and my form and my water intake to better equip my body for the challenges I throw at it. 

People compliment my legs.  How my butt looks in my jeans, LOL.  My arms.  My overall fitness.  I can stand in front of a mirror in my bra and underwear and not see just a pile of flaws.  Now I see improvement.  Little muscles.  Opportunity for more.  I can imagine having legit abs, tight legs, toned arms.  I can put on a pair of jeans that I couldn't have even looked at a year ago and know that I look awesome.  I can put on a pair of jeans that I had to wear by default last year and know that they basically look ridiculous on me now.  I have earned that.

This year has brought big changes for me, but the subtle kind.  No marriages, divorces, breakups, moves, job changes.  Just the small waves that trickle into every corner of my world, making it better to live in. 

Cheers to 2012, the year of a beginning of positive changes.  I look forward to 2013 with great anticipation, and I know it will be a year of continued growth, goals and experiences.  I <3 my life.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

(Anti)Social Butterfly

Is it wrong that I want to forsake all social plans for New Year's Eve and just go home after work (Boo!), order Chinese food and stay in???

I never committed to any plans, but I've been invited to a couple of different things, as well ast there being a multitude of meetup events for the groups I belong to waiting at the ready.  I just don't think I want to spend my night out at a bar, or a house party, or anywhere but my apartment.  Am I broken?  :-)

Christmas was hectic.  I traveled back to my hometown, I was super busy and didn't even get to see any of my friends.  I got back later than planned due to flight delays, then I spent the afternoon and evening running errands and going to the gym for my workout.  I'm back at work today and it is eerily quiet in the office.  I'll be back again tomorrow, and on Monday (serious Boo!), though we will supposedly close early. 

I just think of New Year's Eve in my head, and I think of Chinese food, pajamas, maybe a marathon of some TV show, and me at home alone when midnight strikes.  I don't want to dress up and play at the bar/meat market.  I don't want to be social with strangers. 

This is what I did last year, too.  Last year I was invited to half a dozen different New Year's events, and none of them sounded like how I wanted to spend my evening.  I spent it at home solo instead, and while I may have had a small pang of regret at midnight, ultimately I was fine.  Life goes on, the year ticks forward.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Restless Friday

So it's finally friday!  It's been a long, hectic week, but now holiday fun times are almost here.  :-) 

Today at work is pretty quiet with a lot of people already out to start their holidays early.  I've had a fairly busy morning, but it has made the time pass quickly!  Once the work day ends, I will be heading home to go to the gym.  I want to get that checked off my list before I go out to finish up my shopping.  Luckily, there are no malls involved in my shopping plans, so I'm less frightened!  I just have a couple of things to get to finish, and once I'm done I'm coming home to power through some DVR and relax.

Tomorrow I have maybe plans with a friend (need to verify!), I want to go to the gym, paint my nails in a nice festive manner and then get packed.  I will probably head out for my flight around 3pm.  Then begins the holiday travel and festivities! 

I wish everyone a happy holiday, a Merry Christmas, a wonderful everything!  :-)

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Tis The Season

So yeah, the holiday season brings lots of things along with it when it rolls into town.  Parties, luncheons, shopping for others, sometimes snow, lots of baked delights.  Sometimes, though, something else sneaks in and hides among all of the good things...

Angry Ex emailed me yesterday.  My stomach lurched to a halt when I saw his name pop up in my inbox.  He'd emailed from his work account, thus bypassing my filter that sends anything from his personal email straight to my trash.  Figures.

It was his usual woe is me starter email.  He knows that historically I'm a sucker for a sad story.  He tells me he got offered his dream job, but then the offer was rescinded when he failed the background check.  Then he carries on about how screwed up his family is and how he's cut contact with them as a result.  In closing he tells me that he doesn't really expect a reply, but because he has so few friends and now family, he thought he would reach out.


Are you KIDDING ME?  I double checked, and he's still with the same girl he hooked up with about 3 months after our breakup.  Yet Christmas rolls around and he's seeking me out again?  It had been over six months since he'd bothered me, and it was glorious, and now he has to pop up out of nowhere to try and pull me back in?

I'm not falling for it this time.  I'm not interested.  I deleted it.  I created a new filter to send anything from this work address straight to the trash, too.  It took me forever and a day, but I'm finally done getting manipulated into seemingly innocuous situations that always, always turn dark sooner than later.  It is no longer my job to be his therapist/friend/sympathetic shoulder/whipping girl.

Subtracting the Angry Ex from my world again, moving forward with his email where it belongs: in the trash.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Bite Size Happiness

Yesterday when I got home from work I was greeted by an package at my doorstep.  I knew it would be there since I'd been following the tracking, but I still love the little jolt of pleasure of seeing a package at my door.  :-)  It was two books I'd ordered the other day, one as a gift and one for myself.  Every now and again I get the urge to buy a real book.  I love my Kindle Fire, but sometimes I like to go old school.   Anyway, a day where you get two books delivered is a good day in my book of life!

I got a good workout last night at the gym, but was pretty sore from my training session the night before.  I came home and took a relaxing bath with epsom salts and it felt very decadent and lovely.  Afterwards I sprawled out on the couch with my electric throw blanket, and I was quickly joined by my two cats, who love me, but adore the blanket.  ;-)  We watched Survivor on DVR, as well as some other randomness. 

Today I'm at work trying to be productive, but feeling distracted.  I feel like I'm on the verge of my holidays starting.  Holiday party tonight, A Christmas Carol on Sunday, gift shopping this weekend (mostly online!), maybe doing Christmas cards (maybe!), and I definitely need to get started on my Christmas movie watching.  A Christmas Story, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, and I still have A Charlie Brown Christmas waiting for me on my DVR.  I also hope to catch Scrooged on TV at some point! 

I leave in about 2 hours for my hair appointment, so shortly after that I will have smooth, shiny hair (with a deep conditioning treatment thrown in as a promotion!).  My dress is hanging on the back of my door, my heels are beneath my desk, my earrings are in a desk drawer.  My party purse and other accessories are in my bag, just waiting patiently for the end of the work day.  Hopefully today I also get my letter telling me my raise and bonus amounts.  I'm hopeful for a good Thursday.  :-)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


Today is a Wednesday that feels like a Thursday.  I am listening to Christmas music at work, more specifically the soundtrack from my hometown theater company's production of "A Christmas Carol".  They have a traveling caravan that is visiting Baltimore on Sunday, and I am super excited to have bought tickets for this very show.  It will be a little taste of my hometown right here!

I painted my nails this morning for tomorrow's holiday party.  They are glittery and sparkly and rather entrancing to me!  I found adorable, awesome new earrings to wear with my ensemble, and I can't wait to wear them.  I am indecisive about tights/hose versus bare legs for the event, and will likely decide tomorrow evening when I don my dress!  This morning I'm going to make an appointment for a blowout, and then all I have to do is wait.  :-)

Tonight should be a good night, nonetheless.  I need to get a good workout at the gym, do a load of laundry, watch Survivor (yes, it's true) and do a few random primping things.  Last night I had a session with my trainer.  It was outside on a field at a local high school.  It involved multiple stair runnings, sprints and various exercises in between.  It was truly a challenging workout, but I remain impressed that I can even do sprints at all. 

I have to say that I'm getting pretty excited to go home for the holidays.  I'll only be in town from later on Saturday evening, December 22 until very early December 26, but I know I will pack all sorts of goodness into those few days.  :-)  I'm hoping to get a chance to catch up with my girlfriends while I'm in town, even if I have to do it separately to accommodate schedules!  There will also be cookie baking with my family, Christmas Eve at my grandfather's with my mom and stepdad, and Christmas Day with the same group plus my brother and his fiancee.  I'll be spending Saturday night at my brother's house so I foresee a Christmas toast (probably), a Christmas movie (definitely) and generalized silliness on the horizon. 

I have a lot to do next week to prepare since I haven't done much holiday shopping yet.  However, my list is small and easy, so I imagine I can get it done in about an hour online when I'm ready.  ;-)  I have a feeling next week at work is going to feel very long because of the anticipation!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

P.S.: I don't want you

So on Friday night at holiday party #1, I had a great time.  I felt lovely and sparkly and pretty, and it was good to see friends old and new.  One of these friends was a co-worker I hadn't seen in many months.  Nice guy.  We talked a lot and ended up at the same table for most of the night. 

Now for the record, I'm a flirtatious person by nature.  Add in a version of me that feels extra pretty and sparkly, and I'm even more so a flirt.  So I was probably flirting with him a little, but it was all innocuous. 

Well, at some point, he started putting his hand on my back every time we walked to get food or drinks.  Umm, huh?  I started spending more time away from our table after that because I wasn't into it.  We danced in a group later on, but never just on our own, I made sure of that.

On Sunday a mutual friend texted me and told me that this guy was asking for my number, and was it okay to give it to him.  "Nope!" I replied quickly.  I thanked him for checking, and shook my head.

Can a girl seriously not just flirt with someone in a totally harmless manner without a guy misconstruing it as interest?  I was a social butterfly that evening, he was just one of the flowers I alighted upon.  AHEM, sir:  I'm not interested in you romantically.  You don't need my phone number. 

More and more, the older I get and the more I do this whole dating thing, the more I realize that so many of the stereotypes foisted upon women are things that men are just as guilty of.  In my world lately, men are the desperate ones, searching wildly for commitment and men are the over eager ones misconstruing simple flirting for interest. 

This Bluemoon does not need to fall in love with every person she flirts with.  She doesn't need to feign interest in every nice person who expresses interest.  She can dance with who she wants to dance with and go home alone and the world continues to turn, just as it did before.  :-)

Monday, December 10, 2012

Oh, bother

So for the last few weeks, I was trying something out.  Rather, I was trying *someone* out. 

Has there ever been a food you didn't like, but that you kept trying again to see if your tastes changed?  Probably it's one of those things that most people like, that you logically KNOW is good for you, but no matter how many times you try it, your mouth is still bored or just turned off?

That's what happened to me.  I met this guy in mid-November.  We got together probably 6-7 times over the course of the next few weeks.  We kissed.  I won't even say we made out because honestly, it never got that involved.  He's great on paper.  He's cute, he has bright blue eyes.  He owns a house, he has a good job, he used to be in the military, he's close to his family. 

But it just didn't work.  At first I was hopeful.  He was so sweet and sincere, but was also pretty funny and very gentlemanly.  However, the more we hung out, the more things started to prickle at me about him.  Every time we parted ways he told me "Don't be a stranger". 

Today I finally had to give up on the whole thing.  It wasn't clicking.  It stopped clicking awhile ago.  I preferred being alone to his company.  I got tired of his late habit of calling me "buddy".  I began to wonder if he actually had any friends, as I don't think he's mentioned doing a single social thing since we started talking.  Not one.  :-/

Great on paper, not great for me.  I'm good with that.  I am surprising myself by not feeling nostalgic about missing out on a relationship for the holidays.  I am continually surprised by how happy I am doing my own thing, by how happy I am alone. 

If the right one comes along, maybe I'll be ready and willing to give up more of my "me" time.  Maybe I won't feel resentful, or smothered, or annoyed.  Maybe the puzzle piece will just fit better, and I won't be trying to force it because I "should" want a boyfriend or because my mom is desperate for me to pair up, or because I need some solid man type to kiss on New Year's Eve. 

Some things, some foods, some people, are just not my taste, and no matter how much I try to change it, to re-train my (dating) palate, the plain truth remains....if you have to force it, it's probably not right, anyway.  :-)

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Revenge is a dish best served in a hot little dress

I officially started working out with my trainer on August 28th.  Thusfar I've lost 13 pounds, 5 inches off my waist, and smaller amounts off my thighs and biceps.  My body is leaner, tighter and stronger than it's ever been.  I'm not done yet, but in general I feel like a badass.  People compliment my toned arms, tell me my legs look nice.  I even had one friend tell me my abs looked good, which is true, relative to where I started, LOL. 

When I used to date angry Ex, he gave me this incredible, huge complex about my body.  I wasn't in good shape when we started dating, and I got in worse shape as our relationship progressed.  He remains the scariest person I know.  I feel lucky that he has not tried to contact me since May, and I would be thrilled if it stayed that way indefinitely.  He is toxic and awful and mean and he is a mindfucker. 


I can't help but think about him sometimes when I'm looking in the mirror after a workout, or taking a progress picture, or running on the treadmill at the gym.  I think about all of the work I've done, and how far I've come, and how I've done it all on my own, for me.  No quick tricks, no easy magic pills, just hard work, six days a week.  And then this little part of me wishes he could see me now.

I wish he could see what I've made of myself, and see that this is something he will never, ever have, and was never deserving of in the first place.

I'm a little selfish and evil right now.  I have these two holiday parties coming up.  Tomorrow is the party at my old firm, and I'm wearing this lovely velvet dress I've had for years, but that I recently had shortened to a more flattering length.  I have fun bronze heels to pair with it, and I've timed my most recent haircutr tomorrow so I can get a fun blowout to go with it.  Night time makeup, some pretty jewelry and I'm good to go.

Next Thursday is my current firm's party.  To that party I'm going a bit bolder.  I'm wearing a dress I've never worn in front of anyone but Artboy before.  I bought it and wore it with him one time many months ago, and I remember feeling so scandalous, so exposed.  The thing is, its not a scandalous dress.  It's shorter.  It's fitted.  It hugs in all the right places, but it's classy and pretty and lovely.  It's black with some decorative metallic work on the shoulders.  I've got some cute heels to go with it, and I'm excited to see how it feels to rock that kind of a look in the real world.

The selfish part is maybe more of a vain part.  I rarely am in pictures unless they are goofy self-shots.  When I go home to visit my family I end up in several, but the last time I was home in August I was at my heaviest weight.  I look at the pictures now and I am SO glad I have changed my lifestyle.  I can't wait to go home for Christmas and be in pictures now and see the difference.

But for now, with these parties, I want to make sure pictures are taken with my friends, with my co-workers, and yes, some solo pictures.  I want photo proof of my hard work.  I want the adult, date-less version of a fairytale evening where I get to be dressed up and feel amazing. 

Also?  In addition to my normal, ongoing workouts, I'm going to be working towards a goal of losing 4 more inches off my waist by March 1.  It's a group effort with fellow trainees of my personal trainer, and I think the competition will really motivate me even more.  If I can accomplish that goal, I'm golden!  And even if I don't "win", and only end up taking 2-3 more off my waist, I think I will be happy.

My brother's wedding is in early April.  It is pretty awesome to think that by the time of this wedding, I should be very close to my goal physical fitness level, if not there already.  People keep telling me that at this rate I'll be wearing a bikini by summer....and you know what?  I just might.  A tasteful one, though.  ;-)  I have a bit to go before that, although, I have to say...the idea, even now, isn't as horribly terrifying as it has been for years.  Progress!

Once I do get to my goal situation, I have considered one more thing...professional photographs.  Nothing smutty.  Nothing seriously scandalous.  Just a short photo session with a photographer I like and trust (to be determined, LOL) to commemorate this body I am working so hard for.  I won't have it forever, and I've spent too many years being ashamed or insecure about how I look, and I want to celebrate it once all of my hard work pays off.  I want to have those pictures to look at and appreciate what I did, and what I earned, and how damn awesome I looked as a result.  :-D

Vanity post concluded.  :-)