Friday, July 29, 2011


It's amazing what a person can rationalize, justify and explain away in order to keep something going that shouldn't be going.  Denial is a powerful thing, and sometimes we just want a free pass to keep making the wrong choices with the wrong people, even though we *know* it's wrong.

I am so, so guilty of this.  All the time.  With so many people.  Let's just call it like it is:  I like assholes.  I'm attracted to people who are generally kind of shitty.  Kick me while I'm down, I'll love you forever.  No really.  I'm that sad.

I should disclose that right now I have a really bad migraine.  I've had it since last night, and I got terrible sleep as a result.  I would have stayed home, but my supervisor is still out and so I can't be out.  I'm here even though I feel like absolute hell, my head is pounding, the flourescent lights are killing me, and I'm nauseated.  It's a brilliant friday.

Add to that that a bad penny I can't seem to kick out of my life popped up after pissing me off and hurting my feelings last night, and he just did it again, and I'm having one of those moments where I wonder why the hell I even talk to him.  Sometimes I have this idea that he is really so sweet secretly, that he confides in me and values my friendship, and other times...he's just a dick.  Period. 

The point of all of that is that I'm in a bad mood already because I'm tired and I don't feel well, and I'm resentful of the fact that I'm stuck here at work when I should be home in bed, and I'm just kind of pissed off at the world today.  Today is one of those days where I really wish I had someone to take care of me, and I hate living alone and going home alone and going to bed alone, and even though it's not true, I keep having this thought that all the men I know are such assholes, and that's not true.

I am not fit for public consumption today.  I belong in a room by myself where I can't spread this negativity.

Monday, July 25, 2011

End scene.

Morning has been less than brilliant.  The upside to a morning full of downside is that I think I got some closure on something I'd been lingering on.  It came in the form of  a nice reality check when some new information came to light, and while it stung like a bitch, it's better to know.  When one door closes....well, sometimes you're just happy to close the door.  Rip that bandaid off, feel the burn of it, and move the hell on.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Cheap is not cute, kids.

You know what's a guaranteed turn off on a date?  Go out for a meal, and as soon as the check arrives, snatch it up off the table, eyeball it, then inform your lady date of how much she owes ($12.50, for the record). 

The worst part is that I ALWAYS offer to contribute for my share once the guy offers to's only fair.  They just about never accept, but this is the first time I've been flat out stonewalled like this.  Guess who will not be getting another date?  Yup, that guy.  All over $12.50!

That was one of two dates this weekend.  That one clearly sucked, the other one was meh.  BLAH, dating.

Friday, July 22, 2011

I just keep trucking on.

Happy Friday!  I am having a not bad day thus far, which is a nice improvement over yesterday!  I've got mellow evening plans to order a pizza and watch a movie or two with a good friend, so I'm looking forward to a quiet night in.  And no, this time friend isn't code for anything!  :-)

I think GymTeacher has gone poof.  Honestly, I'm not heartbroken.  I felt like we started off weirdly, and it was hard to get it back on course, so it's probably better that we both just move on.  A couple of the guys I'd been talking to have kind of fallen off the map, and again, that's okay.  I am all about letting people who are not really interested disappear!

I do have a date on Saturday for a movie and then dinner.  We're seeing a 4:30 movie, so I guess the nice thing is that if it sucks, I still have some evening left after.  ;-)  I don't have a nickname for this one yet, LOL.  My first inclination is Shorty because he's the shortest guy I've gone out with yet..he's my height!  ;-)  Uh oh, it may stick now.  We'll see.  Maybe he won't need a nickname because the date will be blah and he'll just be another guy I went out with once. I have to admit, my expectations have been tempered greatly by recent experiences.

Rest assured, I'll be making a solid effort to look cute and if he's suitable, offer up my sparkling wit and personality.  :-D

Few more hours left in this work day and then the weekend begins!


Ex has contacted me a couple times lately.  He's sending me pictures of his new puppy, and that terrible almost naked shot.  I got tired of seeing his name pop up, so I went to change his contact name.  First he was Two Year Mistake, but today I changed it to Vanity Smurf.  Why?  Because his latest userpic is a black and white, grainy self portrait shot of him shirtless.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Humiliation, Party of One

I am having a day.  Already.  It's 930 in the morning.  I forgot to wear earrings.  I straightened my hair and by the time I got to work it had started rebelling because it is disgustingly hot and humid outside.  And now I have a migraine coming on.  I need to take one of my million dollar migraine pills, but I have to have something on my stomach first, and not a single thing sounds remotely appealing.  I just ate one saltine cracker and it was like torture.  I have 3 more on my desk and I'm eyeing them with disdain.

Really, I think this is all just karmic retribution for an hour of completely embarrassing behavior on my part last night.  If I could just scrub that hour from existence I would feel so much better.  It tainted the rest of my evening.  The worst part?  I can't even blame hormones or anything else.  It was just me, falling apart at the seams in front of someone who shouldn't have had to witness it, much less endured the personal aftermath.

I'm not going to get into specifics because really, acknowledging it happened at all is enough.  The bottom line is that I cried, very unexpectedly and very enthusiastically, in front of someone.  Then when asked why I was crying, I ignored the red flashing warning lights in front of me and spilled far too much truth.  I was such a disaster-crying, laughing because this person was trying to lighten the mood while hiding the inevitable horror at how I was behaving, and the vast embarrassment at my display of emotion and my inability to control it.  I was fighting HARD to not sob unabashedly. 

Once I was alone again, it came.  I cried hard, racking, heaving sobs.  Part of it was humiliation over the scene I'd just created and been a part of, and the rest...I'm still not sure.  I know what specific moment sparked the actual tears, but it had been lying in wait before that, and once I started it was hard to stop.  It was like I had this backlog of built up emotion, and it all just came spilling out at exactly the wrong time. 

I was so embarrassed all night.  I logged out of chat, Facebook and just mostly tried to ignore my phone.  I was exhausted and I got into bed early, though I only actually fell asleep a bit earlier than usual.  This morning, I woke up feeling tired and then once I remembered, embarrassed again.

The witness to my collapse last night messaged me just about first thing this morning and was very gracious about it by acting like things were normal.  I don't know if that will last, but I was grateful for that.  I was grateful that they didn't just run in the opposite direction of me, or use this as the perfect excuse to stop talking to me.  I am still not proud of how things unfolded in that hour, but I do appreciate the small gift that was given to me this morning by my companion.  Everyone has a little something amazing in them, I suppose.

Just took my migraine pill.  I feel drained, but hopefully the pilll will help me and the day will improve from here.  Just one of those thursdays, I guess.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I thank you very sweetly

This is a post about the awesome people I call my friends.  I know this blog is a lot of nonsense about boys (and yes, I know I'm 33 and the people I'm involved with should not be called boys, but I'm still 12/14/16 at heart, so deal with it), but the fact of the matter is that without my friends, I'd be full on insane by now.

The honest truth is that I'm one of those girls.  You know the ones....they get into a relationship, and they slowly begin to suck.  I've never been a critical offender, instead taking the more passive path.  I don't cut my friends off, I just become less motivated to get out and be social.  I lose the motivation to do things that are just my own. 

Since moving to DC six years ago, I've had a hit and miss road with making friends.  I had a very close friendship with a girl, J for many years.  We were both from the Midwest and she actually grew up very near where I went to college.  We were great friends...and then she got engaged.  No joke, that changed the course of our friendship, and now here we are a year and a half later, and we don't talk anymore.  I mourned the loss of that friendship for a long time, but ultimately I realized that it wasn't going to go back to how it was before, and I had to let it go.

Beyond that, I've had friendships connected to each of my relationship, and a couple of other good friends along the way.  However, our paths were always pretty different, so they were never people I saw a ton. 

This year, after the breakup with the ex, and after my self imposed hibernation, I found myself feeling changed inside.  I was more open.  More friendly.  Happier.  And suddenly, I was making a lot more friends.  The weird thing is that this has mostly happened with people I already and acquiantances.  Somehow I was building these legitimate friendships, and the best part?  They were reciprocal. 

Over the years I've grown kind of accustomed to being the one in a friendship who does more work, generally speaking.  The one who always has to suggest getting together, the one who has to reach out.  I didn't often get reached out *to*!  But now, things are finally changing.  I have friends who call me to see how I am.  Text me to say hi.  Send me thoughtful emails, ask me to do things.  Finally, I'm doing something right, with the right people.

I may be a bit boy crazy now and again.  I may be a bit of a mess.  But I am a good friend, and I have good friends, and for that I am so very grateful.  :-)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Out of sight, out of mind?

Ever been addicted to something bad for you?  I think most people can identify with this on some level.  Luckily for me, I've never been addicted to anything like cigarettes or drinking or drugs, or even gambling.  I just get addicted to people.  Turns out that can be just as bad for you as anything else.

When I crush, I crush hard.  I'm like a 14 year old girl that way.  It's just impressive to still have that kind of staying power at 33.  Sometimes I swear it feels like I'm back in high school, except it's possibly more embarrassing to get butterflies over a dumbass now than it was then.  :-D 

Often I think the entire concept of butterflies is a disservice to people like myself.  I mistake them for something that matters for more than an instant, and anyone who provides said butterflies becomes instantly imbued with more value than they may actually be worth.  Sometimes, a butterfly is just your stomach's way of telling you, "Hey, that person is pretty attractive, and my body likes them, but PROBABLY for all the wrong reasons."  In other words, sometimes YOUR BODY LIES TO YOU.

Lately I've realized that against my better judgment, I'm kind of a cliche at times.  You know that idea that women like men who treat them like crap and while they *claim* to want a nice guy, they're turned off by guys who are too nice?  Well, damn it all to hell, but it's kind of true.  I'm ashamed for myself for saying that out loud.  But if I can't be honest here, then where can I be? 

Now look, I'm not saying I want a guy who berates me or tears me down at all times, or who tells me no one is going to love me like he does.  But like it or not, there is some truth to this claim in my own life.  Case in point:  the guy I'm most into right now, all logic aside, is the one who:
a) Stopped dating me because I upset him by going on another date even though we'd had no conversation about exclusivity. 
b) Told me he needed space from me and proceeded to ignore me for 2 weeks.
c) Started dating me again for a week, only to kill that by cancelling plans with me at 7pm on a Saturday night for that very night, just to stay home.  For the record, I called it off that time around.
d) never wants to actually do anything aside from hang out at his place
e) most often contacts me with a super romantic line like "What are you wearing?"*

*By the way, the answer to that last one is generally "Clothes, dumbass." 

This guy did not wish me a happy birthday even though we spoke on my birthday.  He told me it's not his thing.  He told me that his ideal relationship is a roommate who will sleep with him.  DELIGHTFUL!  He told me that he doesn't want to have to compromise in any way in a relationship, and that he sees nothing wrong with doing things exactly as he does them now and expects that to be okay. 

So why the hell do I like this guy?  I know you're wondering because everytime I put it all down in written form, I wonder, too.  On paper, he's a disaster.  In real life, he's kind of a disaster, too, but it translates differently.  I think the bottom line is this:

He's what I can handle right now. 

Yup.  It's true.  In my heart of hearts, I am a long term relationship person.  I love loving someone and being part of a pair.  But I'm wary.  Very, vary wary.  I keep getting burned.  And the last one?  Serious burn.  It left me feeling weak and uncertain and lost.  I've had to work so hard to build myself back up after that relationship, and I'm afraid.  I'm afraid to lose the ground I've gained.  I'm afraid that my judgment is bad.  I don't trust myself, and I don't trust others.  I expect to be hurt.

I guess that's normal after a difficult breakup to some degree.  I know this is not an experience or feeling unique to me.  But in a way, it is unique to me, personally.  In the past, after getting burned, I jumped right back in the fire.  This time....there's caution there.  Hesitation.  Skepticism. 

So right now, wrong on paper boy is like a placeholder.  He's not permanent, and doesn't even pretend to be.  He's fleeting, he's unreliable, he's wrong.  But on the other hand he gives me those little glimpses into the things I do want, in the most noncommittal way possible.  Comfortable laughter with someone.  Simple affection without calculation.  Flirting.  I get just the tinest little taste of what I want, but without having to sign on to anything.  As much as I say his unreliability and his random appearances in my life frustrate me, I secretly kind of appreciate it.

With him, I can do whatever I want with my friends and still be accountable only to myself.  I don't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings if I'd rather go out with a girlfriend.  No one is counting on me to take care of them when they're sick or put my plans aside to go to their work party.  I don't have to carry around all the responsibilities, physical and emotional, of being someone's girlfriend. 

He's like a tenuous connection to intimacy, in the most superficial form.  We do not have a deep and unyielding bond.  We're two people who occasionally circle back around each other, and I think he likes it that way, too.  He's not good at relationships.  He's not flexible enough to be in one, at least not with 99.9% of the population.  He's socially awkward at times and too much of a homebody.  Somehow we offer little windows of balance to one another.  I think he likes knowing that there is someone in the world who likes to spend time with him, but who doesn't demand too much of it.  I don't solicit I love yous he can't offer, I don't require commitments he can't agree to.  We get together once every week or two, then we leave and live our separate lives.

So that's how I explain myself.  But the fact is that lately I've been feeling a little more tied up in him than I want to be, and it's started to bother me.  I'm beginning to wonder if the novelty of being so scarcely connected is wearing off.  It's starting to annoy me a little when I don't hear from him as much one day.  It's starting to bother me that he doesn't really bring much to the table in terms of initiative.  Today, I've found that I'm feeling the most distant I've felt from him since we broke up the first time around. 

I'm kind of tired of the idea of him.  I'm now growing weary of not mattering as more than just an intermittent friend.  I'm feeling like maybe his allure is wearing off....and I'm wondering what that means. 

I'm talking to a few different guys aside from wrong on paper boy, aka Artboy, for the record.  I've been out three times with one of them, GymTeacher.  We have a flirty banter going back and forth, there's an attraction, he's likeable.  But I'm paranoid about him.  As much as I love the sarcastic flirting, right now, I suddenly kind of wish I could JUST ONCE deal with someone who was a little bit more sincere on occasion.  I'm not saying he's not capable of sincerity, and he's said some genuinely nice things to me, but I guess I'm thrown off by the sarcasm all the rest of the time. 

I want to like a nice guy.  A nice guy with a sense of humor and capacity for sarcasm, of course, but a legit nice guy.  However, I'll admit that too nice is a turnoff.  To me, too nice means trying too hard.  Giving too much of yourself too early to someone who isn't giving you signs that they're for sure interested.  It's such a fine line.

Two of the other guys I'm talking to are a bit more serious seeming than GymTeacher, but still seem good spirited and fun.  I'm hoping to meet them both individually soon because I feel like I need to try something different.  I'm craving that sincerity.  Someone who is genuinely nice.  Someone who doesn't get off on the game playing so much. 

I'm in such a weird place.  I'm hopeful that perhaps I'm transitioning out of the ArtBoy phase.  I don't fault myself for any of it, or really regret any of it.  I just feel like I'm ready for more.  GymTeacher is a step above ArtBoy because he at least wants to see me and spend time with me, and calls to see how my day was, and is complimentary to me and has an adult life with an adult job and doesn't seem like such a grown up kid to me, like ArtBoy does.  And believe me, I'm still going to see GymTeacher through because it's too early to know enough about him, and I like him a fair amount. 

I've been feeling so introspective lately.  I think I'm in a really interesting transitional period.  I'm also realizing that even though I'm over the ex in the sense of being in love with him, I'm still dealing with some of the aftermath of that relationship.  It's a little something new to add to the baggage in my relationship closet, and I need to acknowledge that it's there and it's okay.  These things happen.  Relationships start and end, and if you gave any part of yourself to it, you'll come out the other end a little bit changed.

Yesterday was five months since I moved out of the ex's apartment.  Five months is actually a pretty significant amount of time.  Maybe after working through this labyrinth for the last several months, I'm finally starting to be interested in finding my way out.  I think I've been willfully lost for awhile now, and only very, very recently has the fog cleared a little, and I feel a little spark of willpower to start anew.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Bibbity Bobbity Boo, I pick....huh?

It's a miracle, peeps.  I'm currently talking to someone whom I've seen three times and actually expect to see again.  Told you it was a miracle.  :-)  Let's back up and explain why.

I've been on dates with multiple guys since starting this whole online dating adventure.  Aside from Artboy, whom I dated for a few weeks consistently, I've gone on maybe 8 dates that didn't make it past the first one.  Out of those, only one is a guy I would have wanted to go out with again, but he never contacted me back.  Them's the breaks, LOL.  I also went on two dates each with two other guys, but I didn't really feel a spark with either, I was just trying to be fair and give it a shot since they were both genuinely nice.  No go.  I couldn't force a third date even though they both wanted to, so I backed out as gracefully as I could.

I met three date guy last week and went out with him for the first time on Monday.  We'll call him purveyor of all my high school nightmares, or how about GymTeacher.  Yup, he's a high school PE/Health teacher.  I told him on our first meeting that his job represents very bad memories of high school involving laps and sprinting drills and a general sense of embarrassment for most sports we were forced to play.  Except for badminton.  I liked badminton.  ;-)

Anyway, GymTeacher is a nice guy.  He's 6'2", broad shoulders, nice body because he likes to work out.  A lot.  But unlike one of my other second date contenders who told me I shouldn't eat shakes and burgers and tried to con me into running with him, this guy knows it's all about moderation foodwise, and has yet to harass me about running with him.  Thank god.  I don't like exercise peer pressure from men I'm involved in in any capacity, it feels like a dig.

He's sarcastic and cocky in that way I'm attracted to, the way that I tend to behave when I'm on my game.  :-)  We had a good banter back and forth on the phone before we even met, so I had a feeling I'd like him.  And the nice part?  FINALLY, a spark.  There's definitely a significant attraction, which is reassuring.  After so many blah dates, including a couple with perfectly nice and attractive people, I was worrying a little, but it turns out my body/mind/heart just knows what it's attracted to, and I can't force it if it's not there. 

He lives about 20-30 minutes away (argh), and so far I've gone his way twice and he's come my way once.  It's his turn to come my way again, LOL.  I offered to go out in his direction first because I'm weird and I love the drive.  :-) 

I have no idea where we're going, I have no real inclinations or deep thoughts about it except that he makes me laugh and he's attractive and fun.  I saw him Monday and Tuesday of last week, and then later on Friday as well after my happy hour.  We've talked on the phone a few times, including last night when he called to see how my weekend had been.  I laughed a lot in that conversation, and it was flirty and fun and all that good stuff.  So we'll see how that goes!

Beyond GymTeacher, all the other dates I've been on have been left in the dust.  The one exception is ArtBoy, whom I still talk to on a daily basis, even if its just a quick exchange of texts.  For whatever reason, I still like the kid, and we get along well so long as the expectations are in check...meaning that I know he's not boyfriend material.  He's funny and he makes me laugh, and I remain attracted to him, but I know it won't go anywhere.  I have seen him about once a week lately, and we get along well and have a good time hanging out, so that's that.

I do have a couple other things in the mix right now.  I'm talking to about 3-4 different guys on the dating site that I'm getting along with well.  These are all people I would be willing to meet up with if given the chance.  I"ve been more proactive lately, messaging more people rather randomly, just because.  I don't want to just be the passive one waiting for someone to come to me.  Nothing wrong with seeking out what I'm looking for specifically!  If anyone turns into anything noteworthy, I'll update, but for now they are just possibilities.  One is an identical twin, which I find amusing, mostly because his twin is also on the site, LOL.  He noted that in his profile to avoid any confusion, and also advised that he was cooler than his brother. :-) 

So that's where I stand....somewhere in the middle of...something!  Just where I like to be. 

Secret:  When I went to see GymTeacher on Friday night, we were very chill and just hung out at his house on his couch.  I played with his two dogs, who love me, and we just kind of relaxed on the couch, and I got to curl up with him a little, and it was nice.  I do miss that.  End secret that's not really a secret.  ;-)

Five months.

As of yesterday, it has been five months since I moved out of the ex's house and into my apartment.  In most ways it feels like I've been gone for so much longer.  Maybe because that relationship was unraveling for so long before I acknowledged it to the world.  I looked back through things I'd written from the month before I moved, and I was just talking like everything was okay.  It's so bizarre to me that I hid everything so extensively, pretending it was functional and healthy.  For so long, it was anything but.

The first month after I moved out was so hard.  I remember feeling so depressed, so sad, so sapped of energy.  I remember crying all the time, barely having the motivation to walk the dog. I remember going to bed each night mourning the empty space beside me, and waking up each morning and remembering that I was alone, and feeling so lost.

I am so grateful to have escaped that dark cloud.  It followed me for so many months in that relationship.  I became the worst version of myself I'd ever been...the most insecure.  The most isolated.  The most dishonest to myself.  I was holding myself back in so many ways, rationalizing the ex's bad behavior, making excuses for why I was sticking around for it, and worst of all, after I moved out and thene we broke up, trying to justify in my head why I wanted him back after how poorly he treated me.

I know I'm not blameless for the path my life took with him.  I know I played into it, and I taught him what was acceptable in terms of treatment of me.  And I know I'm not perfect now, and that I'm probably making a lot of mistakes.  But there's a difference.  The mistakes I'm making now are my own.  Only mine.  No one else gets a vote.  If I screw something up, I have only myself to blame. 

People can lecture me, and scold me, and tell me I'm going wrong.  But ultimately it's my call, and I still relish that fact  It may seem like such a small thing to people who've lived their lives that way for a long time, but for me it still feels new and precious.  It's the gift I was never brave enough to give myself until very recently.

Five months.  Cheers to me.  :)

Friday, July 15, 2011


Sometimes it is fun to break the rules.  To do what you're not supposed to.  To defy expectations.  To *make* your own rules and say damn all the rest.

Off to watch some Freaks and Geeks and then get some sleep.  :-)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Waffling, it's my expertise.

I know some of you have asked to hear about the good date, but here's the thing:  I saw the guy again tonight, and now I'm thinking I should give this a wait and see approach.  I'm all up inside my own head about this, and I have this fear that I'm behaving stupidly out of some misguided attachment to someone I claim to have let go of, but haven't completely.  :-/

I need a little processing time to see where I stand on all of this tomorrow.  I do believe he wants to see me again, but I think I need to get a handle on what's going on in my head before I commit.  Sorry for being all vague, but honestly, I'm embarrassed of where I stand right now, all muddled up in someone not deserving of the attention, and I'm trying to figure out how to extricate myself efficiently. 

This is all complicated by the fact that I have to see the subject of all this discussion either tomorrow or thursday.  I'll probably aim for tomorrow assuming he's around, but he has something of mine I left the last time I was over, and I need to pick it up.  Whether or not it's a straightforward pickup or an evening hanging out or something along those lines, I'm not sure yet.  So much gray area, and yet really it's so obvious.

Why do I hold onto the ones I should let go of?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Today is a better day.

I'm feeling much better today.  Yesterday was just one of those days I have every now and again!  I actually felt significantly better when I got home from work, and I had a good, if quiet, evening.

Miscellaneous thought for the day:

Men are incredibly predictable.  The SECOND you back off of them, they are chasing back after you.  It's kind of sad, but kind of entertaining.  :-)

I still need to do a post about my recent dates, including the really bad one I had.  Entertainment for the masses!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


"I have learned that you can't change people and that you should never fall in love with someone's potential."
-Kimberlee Auerbach

I'm currently rereading a book I bought from a Borders bargain bin a couple of years ago.  It's called "The Devil, The Lovers, & Me" and it's written by Kimberlee Auerbach.  It's described on the front cover as "an irresistible memoir for anyone who's ever wondered what's coming next". 

I love this book.  I don't know why exactly, but it speaks to me.  The cover is kind of ridiculous, and basically the narrator goes to see a tarot card reader and for each card that's dealt in her reading, you get a flashback or look back into her life to explain how that card is significant to her in her journey.  There are so many quotes in this book that I love, and the one opening this entry is one of them. 

I guess if I had to re-appropriate that quote as my own, I'd have to amend it to read "I am learning.." because clearly that is a lesson I'm still stuck on.  I am notorious for falling for someone's potential as opposed to the person they actually are at the time.  I look at people and I see all of the good things they are capable of, the kindness they have tucked in them somewhere, the ability to be something wonderful somewhere down the line.  But generally when I am seeing this, they are a work in progress.  Under construction.  Full of detours and roadblocks.  And we all are works in progress to a degree, I get that.  But I tend to fall for the projects that are permanently stalled.

I guess that at heart I am a fixer.  A caretaker.  As much as I've tried to deny it, I guess I like the feeling of helping people turn a positive corner.  Being their cheerleader, the one who shows them the way.  I get such pleasure out of the small things in life, and sometimes I feel like I want everyone else to experience the world that way, too, and I make it my mission to show them how.  Guess what?  It almost never works.

People are who they are.  They evolve and change and grow, but sometimes they regress or even just stand still.  Sometimes staying in place is just as bad as moving backward.  And whichever direction a person is going, they are going to keep on going in that direction until they are ready to change course.  Nothing I do or say or show them is going to alter that path. 

I keep falling for the works in progress.  I keep looking past the faults and flaws and envisioning the greatness that could come to pass for these people, all the awesome ways they may open up down the line.  But the reality is that right now, these people have nothing to offer me but fleeting happiness, most of it very superficial. 

Here is another quote from the book, one I can identify with so clearly that it almost hurts.  This is my life, and this is where I'm trying to get to.

""My life is complicated. I really don't think I can give you the attention you need and deserve."

So I ended it. Just like that. I didn't linger for 2 years. I didn't crawl back into bed, wishing he could love me the way I needed to be loved. I made a choice, bold and strong."

Do you know how many times I've heard that?  I can't give you what you need/want/deserve.  I am saving you from the mess that is me.  This was fun, but you're too much work, you want too much, you expect me to follow through on things I say and do what I agree to do and it's all too much to handle.  You are an obligation I do not want to meet right now, so I'm going to pretend it's about me being inadequate when really it just means that you're not the person I'm willing to put the work in for.

It may be true that I deserve better, but it would be nice if that were left up to me to decide.  I'm tired of the decision being made for me, the power taken out of my hands.  I'm weary of never being the right person.  I'm exhausted of potential, I want someone who's actually reaching their potential, or exceeding it.  I don't want a project, I want a partner.

I do apologize for the tone of my posts so far this week.  I guess I've just been feeling kind of introspective, and really thinking a lot about what's been going on in my life lately, and where I am in it, and what I'm bringing to the table.  I'm trying to break the bad patterns and figure out how to redirect myself.  This life is in need of a serious recalibration, and I guess I'm just muddling through trying to figure out how to start.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Better to be Single than Settle

I'm tired of settling.  I'm tired of getting into relationships wherein I feel the need to justify my continued presence there, where I need to rationalize and explain away the behavior of my partner, and where I give far more than I get in return.  Companionship is great, but at what cost? 

I was really sad about being alone last night for the holiday evening.  But I was thinking about it this morning.  Would I have rather had the company of someone like the ex, who generally made me feel like an insecure little girl all the time?  Sure, we could have skimmed the surface and I wouldn't have been alone, but I also wouldn't have been with anyone who actually made me feel good about myself.

I can't figure out why it feels like such a crime to expect more.  Why I fault myself for expecting too much, when really I I just want someone who will treat me with the same level of respect I treat people, and appreciate me as much as I would them.  Sometimes I convince myself that I'm being unrealistic to expect that kind of reciprocity....that there is likely no man in the world who will be able to match what I have to offer. 

I hope that doesn't sound cocky, but the fact is that I'm awesome in relationships.  Possibly too awesome because I tend to bestow my gifts upon people way past the point that they deserve them.  I don't know how to be any other way, and as much as I bemoan it sometimes, I really don't want to be any other way.  I like knowing that I love with every fiber of my being, that I give 150% in a relationship, and that my devotion knows no bounds when I love someone. 

Yes, I get burned.  Sure, it would maybe be easier if I gave less of myself, if I held back a little.  But I guess I just don't see the point.  I can't change who I am. 

Even now, I've found myself at a point where I'm starting to feel like my 17 year old self again....a bit hopeless about my romantic future.  At 17 I'd never been kissed, never been on a date, never been in love.  I thought I'd be alone forever because I felt so far behind everyone else.  I felt so disconnected from the entire idea of being close to a man, and it just turned into something that I couldn't even imagine happening in my own life.

I feel like I'm back there now.  I've had three major relationships in my life, and now I've been on multiple dates with others, and only three have made it past one date.  But those dates have either been entirely spark-less or they've offered the kind of sparks that are fleeting and that will not move me forward. 

I don't want to be stuck in place.  But I also don't want to latch onto the first nice guy to come around just because I don't want to be alone.  I don't want to fall back into old patterns for the company.  I don't want to settle for less than what I logically (and in my heart) know that I deserve.  If that means that I'm alone forever.....I don't know.  If that means that I'm alone for a long time, okay.  It sucks, but I'm tired of selling myself short.  I'm tired of telling myself that this is enough, it will do, probably there's nothing better out there.  That's a shitty way to think. 

Life is going to be what it's going to be.  There will be good dates that go nowhere.  There will be bad dates that at one moment make me depressed and at another moment make me laugh.  There will be times of no dates, when I need a break, or the universe isn't feeling it, and sometimes that may suck, and other times it may be just what I need.  There will be holidays spent alone, there will be holidays spent with friends.  I will sometimes be the single one in a group of couples. 

There will be exes that come back.  Some will come back for good reasons, with good intentions of actual, reciprocal, respectful friendship.  Some will come back to continue the patterns established in our now failed relationships.  I will need to continue to refine my ability to say no, and to do what's best for me in spite of instincts to the contrary.  I will need to look out for myself because ultimately, for right now, no one else is doing it for me. 

I will make mistakes.  Some will be willful mistakes, with full knowledge of my error in judgment in advance.  Some will be completely unintentional and unexpected, and those will hurt more. 

I will be hurt.  Disappointed.  Let down.  I will feel cynical and sad and pessimistic and gloomy.  I will wonder if I'm doomed to be alone, and I will feel sorry for myself sometimes.

But.  I will also have fun.  I will celebrate the freedom I have to do exactly what I want when I want with no accountability to anyone.  I can kiss someone I just met if I feel like it and not feel like it is a betrayal to anyone.  I can go out dancing with a girlfriend until 3 in the morning and dance with a handful of strangers throughout the evening and go home alone.  I can leave my apartment and just go drive for 30 minutes or 3 hours if I want to. 

I will continue to learn what I want and what I don't want, and it's okay if that means my standards go up.  I will get used to the idea that I deserve all of the things that I want, and that it's not greedy or wrong or unrealistic to expect to be respected and loved and appreciated.

I will continue to learn how to love myself, and not to fault myself for mistakes, or judge my actions too harshly when I do stupid things, or impulsive things, or out of character things.  It's good to shake things up every now and again.  It's good to break the mold.  I am a constantly changing and evolving person, and I have an endless potential for growth.  I've not yet reached the peak of my awesomeness, and I've not yet reached the finish line of my happiness.  There is more to come.

 "I learned to love myself, because I sleep with myself every night and I wake up with myself every morning, and if I don't like myself, there's no reason to even live the life." -Gabourey Sidibe

Monday, July 4, 2011

Independence Day, indeed.

Without a doubt, this is the single loneliest 4th of July evening I've ever had.  I went to a baseball game this afternoon, but I was home by 5:30.  I puttered around my apartment for about 15 minutes before I got restless, so I fed the animals and headed out for a drive.  I've been doing that a lot lately....driving for the sake of driving.  It helps me clear my mind a little bit.  I can play my music as loud as I want to, sing along if I want, and there's no one there to give a damn.  It forces me out of my head and out of my apartment, which sometimes just seems so empty.

Tonight, I feel lonely.  I had a fairly busy weekend, spent time with various friends, went out on a date.  But today, on Independence Day, I'm at home alone.  I drove around for about 45 minutes before stopping by the grocery store.  I made myself a small homemade pizza for dinner, then baked some Funfetti cupcakes, which I'll be frosting here shortly.  I guess I just felt like treating myself because I knew the night was not exactly how I wanted it to be.

The ex and I broke up towards the end of March.  I've been on my own for over 3 months now.  It feels like so much longer sometimes.  I've been on several dates, but nothing has clicked the right way.  Either it clicks, but the person is just not ready to give me what I need, or it doesn't click at all.  This sounds ridiculous, but I've never had to try so hard to find someone to be with before.

I miss having someone to spend the holidays with.  Being at home on the 4th of July when you're with someone you want to be with is an entirely different experience than being at home on the 4th of July because you have no one to be with. 

Today is hard.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Delayed Reaction

So I talked to my ex earlier this week.  The ex that was the subject of the very breakup that sparked this blog.  The one I spent months missing, thinking about...whitewashing the memories. 

He'd contacted me last week on my birthday to say "Happy birthday" via text.  Because I am a dumbass, I asked "Can we be friends yet? :-)"  I put that effing smiley in there to lighten it up, but I  did mean it.  I don't know why.  He replied "I don't think my girl would like that."  So I replied, "No worries!  Thanks for the birthday wishes, take care!"

So that was that.  Or so I thought.  Then on Monday I got an email from him:
I hope you had a great birthday - I would like to be friends with you.  I miss you terribly.  I guess when you asked me on Friday I wanted to be mean because I was/am so hurt by everything that's been going on.  If there is a way to be friends I'd really like to figure that out because you were and are my best friend and I really miss talking to you.  I hope you had a great time this past weekend.

Yeah, I copied and pasted it.  So what.  The bastard doesn't merit any privacy anymore with me.

I told him I wanted to be friends, but I didn't know how to start.  He said:
I don't have any ideas and I have no clue how to start.  I think it will go fine for a bit then one of us will ask about the others boyfriend/girlfriend and get their feelings hurt.  I'm dating someone else but I think about you.  :(  It sucks to admit that but I still think about you all the time.  I don't know.  Maybe not a good idea.

I told him I understood, and that if it were an issue we shouldn't bother.  He said:
You were ready to move on I wasn't.

We continued chitchatting, though, and then I got an email from him telling me that he'd been swimming a lot, and had lost his belly fat.  He also mentioned his new car, and then attached two pictures.  The first was of the aforementioned car.  The second was of him, standing in front of his bathroom mirror with no clothes on, taking a picture of himself with one hand and with his other hand covering his junk.  It was cut off just in time to avoid being indecent, but I could see the top of the hand on his package, and I opened that thing at work.  :-/

I pointed out the level of decency of the picture and he said something about how "oops, should have cropped that, but it's nothing you haven't seen, anyway."

He then said:
I think we should have another roll in the hay for old times sake :) 

AND THEN, the cherry on the asshole sundae:
i'd have to use a condom with you now cause you're tainted.

The most amazing thing about that?  I didn't even get that upset when he said it at the time.  I blew it off like a joke, saying "Are you kidding me?  You're the one with the girlfriend."  Then I actually kept chatting with the asshole. 

It was only the next day that something clicked, and I started getting pissed.  And more pissed.  And more pissed.  And then I was just FU very much angry.

What a hypocrite.  What an asshole.  What a singular waste of time and effort and love and devotion on my part.  Sometimes the facade that we've worked so hard to hold up for someone we invested ourselves in, it just falls like dead weight, and it shatters so resoundingly that there is no way to repair it.  Well, he finally fell, and he went down hard. 

I realized that in 15 minutes of talking to this ex, I came out of the conversation feeling like absolute shit again.  Something about his presence in my life, even in the tiniest of ways, makes me feel so vastly insecure.  And the emotional abuse continues, even when we're not together...that's right, asshole.  Tell me how much you miss me, how I'm your best friend, and then imply that I'm a big dirty whore. 

I kept him blocked on chat.  I blocked him on Facebook.  I set up a filter on my email to send anything from him straight to the trash, and while doing all of these things, I watched the last justifications, rationalizations, and delusions I'd been holding onto in a very secret, dark place go swirling down with it. 

FU very much, ex.  No one is allowed to talk to me like I'm garbage.  No one is allowed to question my character or judge me like that.  No one is allowed to mindfuck me like that anymore.

If I'm tainted by anything in my life, it's by the time I spent with him, and I'm washing that off in waves, and I'm not looking back this time.