Epiphany

I think I've realized why I attract the broken toys, at long last.  It's because I, myself, am a broken toy.  At least I feel like one lately.

I am so disillusioned.  I am tired of bad dates with boring people.  I am tired of people who don't respect my time enough to show up for things when they say they will.  I am tired of people who blow off plans with me, or hedge their bets to see if they get any better offers before committing. 

I'm over douchebags on those dating sites who have the nerve to ask me if they can crash on my couch after a first date (before we've even had said first date).  I'm over "friends" who are the first to jump on me for any perceived slight, but who are totally oblivious to the complete rudness and thoughtlessness they inflict on me frequently.

Lately I have just felt tired.  I got blown off by half a dozen people Saturday night, and I ended up staying home, watching TV, and crawling into bed at 10:30.  This is UNHEARD OF for me.  I was asleep before 11pm.  I woke up at 9:30 in the morning, was awake for maybe 3-4 hours before spending most of the afternoon sleeping.  Did I mention I'm just tired?

My life is all wrong lately.  I'm finding myself back at that point where my friendships feel one-sided, I can't find someone sane to date to save my life, and I just feel lost, directionless, aimless.  I've felt rather depressed lately, honestly.  It's a chore to do the things I need to do, and all I really want to do is stay home and lay around, or sleep.  I'm just so tired and my mind is jumbled all the time.  I can't even organize myself enough to make a list of things to do, which is something I've always done to an insane degree.

I cried for about an hour last night to my mom about all of this.  How lost I feel. I  don't even know who I am anymore.  I have no energy, no motivation.  I felt somewhat better at the end of the convo, and we talked about things I need to do to get me out of this place.  I've done it before, I've pulled myself up and out from worse situations.  I will do it again.

Things I'm going to do:
Look into joining a gym again.  I desperately need a good physical outlet, and my current way of dealing with my stress is to just drive and drive aimlessly.  Fine on occasion, but not a good long term solution.  I need some way to get rid of all this excess nervous energy I get sometimes.

See about meeting up with my old therapist again.  I need a talking outlet, a good unbiased one who will tell me the hard truths.

I made a list of things to do, finally.  It was a small start.  Also, today I have a goal of taking care of 3 lingering issues I've been avoiding (practical life stuff that's just seemed like too much work).  Tonight R is coming over and I'm cooking dinner and I will NOT lay like a lump by myself for 6 hours or cry in the shower.

Something has to give.