Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Remember when

Remember back when this was more of a dating blog?  I have foggy recollections of such a thing, but lately I've been too busy obsessing over working out, the scale and my eating habits.  In honor of what once was, and what I aspire to bring to the table again, I offer you a post about DATING!

So yeah, I went on one.  A date.  I started talking to E maybe a week ago.  We exchanged several very lengthy emails before agreeing to just meet already for coffee on Monday evening.  I actually felt a little bit nervous!  I hadn't been on a date since November with Dozen Roses guy, and before that it had been awhile, too.  I'm a bit out of practice from my once fighting dating form!

I arrived first, early, and was waiting in a nice comfy chair by the entrance when he got there.  On rare occasions, someone has cute pictures and is even cuter in person.  This was one of those rare occasions.  :-)  Short, dark brown hair, lovely brown eyes, great smile.  We got our respective drinks (chai tea latte for him, a honey vanilla steamer for me) and sat down for what would be three hours of conversation.  We left only when they were about to close up for the night, and I still had to get to the gym!

The conversation was excellent.  He's very smart, well-spoken, and funny.  Oh, was he funny.  I honestly laughed and smiled so much that my face hurt by the end of the date.  :-)  Gotta love that!  We parted at the corner outside with a big hug.  After I got back from the gym that night (nearly midnight!), I messaged him to thank him for the drink and the company.  He replied in the morning and told me he'd had a great time, and that I was really easy to talk to, which was a nice change for him.  He marveled at how long we'd spent in the Cosi, and said we should have taken a walk.  He then said that if I wanted to get together again, maybe we could work on that.

I replied and told him I definitely wanted to get together again, and that was very, very late last night, so hopefully I will hear from him today.  No idea when we would try to meet up again, but I'm interested in a date #2!  E is just very cute, very funny and very down to earth.  Plus, he grew up in Missouri, so we had a little regional common ground to cover!

Beyond E, Georgia resurfaced on Sunday.  He popped up like he'd never been gone, or really, like I'd disappeared on him, ha.  We've chatted each day since, and he will be in the DC area a week from today, which is kind of crazy.  Again, we've made no plans to get together yet, nor even mentioned it in any real way.  I figure I'll just let him get here and see if he then decides to suggest meeting!  I'm laying a bit low on that one because I just don't have a great sense as to what exactly he's looking for.  He says he wants a relationship, but it's just hard to read right now.  I figure that once he's in town, I'll know fairly quickly if this is something worth my time or not.

Lastly, a guy I went out with twice about a year and a half ago, during my first lull after dating Artboy briefly, contacted me again.  He actually didn't recognize me, so I got the dubious honor of reminding him we'd gone out twice.  I wasn't annoyed or anything, as I think it was an honest error and it had been since June 2011 that he'd seen me!  We've exchanged a couple of messages, but nothing too involved. 

I never know how to handle things like that, when people resurface.  Part of me wonders if I just wasn't in the right place to date him (as I was hung up on Artboy bigtime then), but the other part of me wonders if maybe he just wasn't the right fit.  I had to tell him I didn't want to see him after the second date last time, so I'm wary of going out with him again just to see if it's different.  Maybe it's good he doesn't remember what happened.  :-) 

I'm also talking to another very cute guy and have been for a couple weeks now.  However, he's basically a walking list of all the things I'm not crazy about logistically.  He lives over an hour away.  He's a firefighter, so his schedule is wacky.  Plus he has two little kids he has fairly often.  Sigh.  Not sure that one is meant to go anywhere, but he's fun to talk to!

Randoms here and there aside from that, but those are the noteworthy options going on right now.  Patience is a virtue, and luckily I have it in at least one area of my  ;-)

This was what I call inevitable

So I had a session with my trainer tonight.  And on a stupid whim, prior to leaving to meet him, I took my own waist measurement.  Now, for some reason I am incapable of doing this properly.  But I saw a number half an inch lower than last week, and I got the same number a couple of times.  So when I arrived I asked him to check.

NOPE.  I was up half an inch actually.  HA.  I was PISSED.  LIVID.  Frustrated.  Angry.  I felt the tears start to well up, and then I was crying.  At my trainer.  And I vented and ranted and told him how hard this is, and how I feel like none of my changes I'm making matter, and how this kind of failure makes me want to just go back to eating like crap since it's not making a difference, anyway.

He was calm.  He tried to calm me down, but then he saw I was just a lit fuse that needed to burn out, and instead he talked.  He told me it takes time.  That it would take my body 3-4 weeks to reap the full effects of the dietary changes.  He quizzed me about how I'd been eating, asked to be sure I was eating my several small meals a day since that's what works best for me.  Then he weighed me, and as he did it, I ranted about how just the day prior my stupid scale told me I'd gained half a pound.

His scale told me I'd lost two pounds. WTF?

It didn't really make me feel better.  Gain half an inch on my waist, lose two pounds.  WTF?

I cannot describe how difficult this process is for me right now.  Some parts of the day are fine, some days the eating is easier, some days the exercise is easier.  But.

Somedays I feel like all I do is obsess over how and when and what to eat, and I still let myself down in some way.  Somedays the exercise is hard, and I hate every second, and it feels like torture, and I want to quit.  Somedays my clothes are just too damn tight somehow, and the scale is the same or higher, and I am not smart enough/adept enough/something enough to figure out how to accurately measure my own waist.  And it makes me feel like crying.  So sometimes I do cry.  And it makes me feel like I have a current of raging frustration coursing through my body, so I sweat it out in a too hot bath, or a pounding shower.  Sometimes it is just so, so, so, hard.  And I wonder if I can even do this.  Maybe I'm not meant to be any better than what I am now.  Maybe this is the best I can achieve.

I had no idea when I started all of this how emotional it would be.  How draining, how much of a rollercoaster it could be.  I didn't know how much I would be tested, pushed to my limits, strained to the point of breaking.

But I also didn't know I could ever feel this strong.  I didn't think I would ever feel my bicep and feel a toned muscle.  I didn't know I would ever be capable of learning to use some of the machines I've learned, or to do some of the exercises I have.  I didn't think I would ever put on fitted workout pants and a sports bra and look in the mirror and feel proud of myself.  See the changes from my hard work.  Feel the muscles in my thighs, my calves, even my stomach.  I didn't know that I could be a person who stopped being addicted to Starbucks white mochas.  Who sometimes can find willpower when it seems there is none left.  Who can push through a hard workout and never, ever leave without at least 30-40 minutes under my belt.  I didn't know any of this.

When I was getting ready to leave after my session, I told my trainer I was sorry for crying at him.  He assured me easily that it was okay.  That I wasn't the first, and it happens a lot.  And he told me to be patient, and he told me I'd done a good job.

And I believe him.

Monday, January 28, 2013

a few things I love lately

To balance out the disproportionate amount of bitching and moaning being done on this blog lately, I'm going to try to do a couple of happier, lighter posts to follow up on my gray monday post.

I'm a product junkie, and I love finding new things that work for me.  Here are a couple of things I've discovered recently:

* Honey Almond Butter:  OMFG, so good.  I'm not a honey fan as a stand alone item, but combined with the almond butter it is divine.  It even made my whole grain, nutty bread I bought yesterday (sigh) bearable!  I can't recall the brand offhand, but I do know I bought it at Wegman's and it was not the "Justin's" brand.  I did buy a single serve packet of the Justin's Cashew Butter, but I have yet to try it.  I like the idea of being able to do a nut butter on occasion in lieu of an actual handful of nuts.  I get bored really easily, so any variation is a plus for me!

* Pantene No Crunch Curls Whip:  As a person with naturally curly hair, I have spent my life trying different products to control and maximize the potential of my hair.  I've found a few things that do well enough, but my main issue is always with the crunch factor. I  DO NOT want crunchy curls!  I hadn't bought anything Pantene in years, and had recently been doing more Ulta type hair products for my curls.  However, I am a true sucker and saw a new curls mouuse from Pantene and bought it.  I love it.  It smells so good to me, and it isn't crunchy at all.  Seems to be working really well and I'm a fan! 

* Organix Thick & Full Biotin & Collogen Shampoo/Conditioner:  Bought this yesterday, tried it this morning.  Not only am I madly in love with the smell, but my hair feels really soft and nice.  I've been losing a lot of hair lately and I'm hoping this helps.  I think it's a combination of all the exercise and dietary changes, and it happens to me every now and again, so I'm not worried, but I do want to help things improve.  We'll see how it does!

One thing I do NOT love that I tried:  Original Coconut Milk.  Not a fan.  Tried the So Delicious Vanilla Coconut Milk Creamer and that's good, but the plain, original milk is not for me.  Can't all be winners.  ;-)

Monday made of gray

This morning was seriously gloomy!  First of all, I slept through my alarm and just happened to wake up all disoriented at 7:35 in the morning.  Missed my first bus because it came by early and stood in the rain and cold for extra long to make sure I didn't miss the next one.  Got to Metro and just missed my train, and had to wait 8 minutes for the next, again outside in the cold.  Metro was laggy today and we kept idling in between stations, thus making me even later.  Walked my nearly six blocks to the office cursing winter and dreaming of a warming spring.  Got to work an hour and fifteen minutes late.  This is *EXACTLY* what a Monday feels like to me. 

Got to work, had my breakfast of egg whites and turkey sausage.  Had my mock hot drick of skim milk and Ovaltine Chocolate Malt mix because I was cold and needed it.  Currently starving and wondering when lunch is, even though I'm very blah about my lunch.  I wasn't feeling so motivated last night, so I have a sandwich awaiting me, plus an admittedly nice bowl of fruit I put together myself (grapes, blackberries, strawberries, raspberries and blueberries).  I need to get started on my water intake for the day, but again, I'm feeling blah about it.  I have carrots and hummus as well as cashews and Laughing Cow cheese available as snacks or lunch supplements.  Dinner tonight will probably be some tilapia and a vegetable. 

I am so bored of obsessing over food, but I'm really struggling with it on the weekends.  I essentially ate way too much each day, and granted, it was stuff that was much better for me than things I would have previously overindulged in. But a boatload of extra calories, carbs and sugar will still make me feel fat and actually gain weight.  I MUST get this under control.  Eating right is turning out to be a tremendous struggle for me, in particular on days when I don't have a strict routine.

I don't want to think this much about food.  I don't want to feel deprived or hungry or overwrought with numbers and calculations and expectations.  I don't want the scale to go up again, I don't want to regain the half an inch I lost off my waist last week.  I want to eat better, be better, do better, feel better, look better.  But I want it to be easier, and I want to have the self control to handle myself on a weekend, even on a day when I have no set plans and I'm all alone and have no one to make me accountable in any way.  But it is damn hard, and I'm really struggling.

I hope this gets easier with time, but I also know that in order for that to happen, I have to figure out how to get myself under control EVERY day, not just on weekdays.  Five days of good can be totally negated by two days of out of control choices.  Why is this so hard???

Thursday, January 24, 2013


We finally got a tiny bit of snow! Seriously, it's only about an inch, but it was pretty to wake up to. 
:-)  There were some flurries coming down last night when I went to bed, but I kind of expected to wake up to nothing again.  I am constantly disappointed by the predictiosn of possible snow that end up entirely missing us.  We may get a little bit more tomorrow afternoon, so that would be good.  Call me crazy, but I miss having snow on occasion.  Some years we get next to nothing here in DC (like this year!) and that's just weird to me!

I continue to quietly simmer in frustration about how much of a non-effect my dietary changes have had thusfar.  Trust me, I know more than anyone it's ridiculous to expect some miraculous change overnight, but I guess I just thought something would have happened.  But no, I'm still a pound over my weight from last week, as I have been for a few days, and my stupid waist is still the same stupid number it's been stuck at for a month or more. 

Grumble, grumble, grumble.  I feel like all I've done all week is grumble.  Again, glad I have trainer tonight to get me through another rough day in a rough week.  Less rough than Tuesday by a lot, but still challenging.  Hopefully by next week these dietary changes will have settled in a little bit more and be less challenging.  I miss my 'Bux, but not like I thought I would.  I bought some Ovaltine Chocolate Malt Mix and put a serving (2 tbsp) of that in a glass of hot milk this morning, and it was a tasty little treat with 40 cals and 8 g of sugar.  Sure, still not stellar, but it hit that morning hot drink spot, and it's a damn good improvement over 58g of sugar.  ;-)

Today I have chili AGAIN for lunch.  I made chili on Monday and I've had it each day for one meal or another since, and today is the last day of it.  I'm SO burnt out on chili, but it's cold out, and I will not make a more healthful choice if I go out to find lunch, so I'm eating it.  Will have to get creative for dinner tonight since I don't have any more leftovers and I didn't thaw any chicken or anything.  Oops.

I also discovered a new little snack that I love and that gives me a sweet kick without being too godawful in calories and the like.  Fig Newton Lemon Crisp Thins.  Sure, they have more carbs than I should have for a snack in my trainer's world, but come's a process, and these hit the sweet spot in a healthier way than cookies or something would.  Yum. 

Anyway, back to work I go!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Artboy Wisdom

So yesterday sucked, as you all know already.  I ended up with another headache, probably a combination of hormones, stress and whatever else.  I went to see my trainer and had a good session, and vented at him about my concerns with him specifically.  He addressed them, and also talked with me about my frustrations and struggles with the food part of all of this.  It did help put things back in perspective, and I'm glad I went home and ate a reasonable dinner instead of a roll of cookie dough.
;-)  He also told me that I'm getting him in trouble with all of my cardio; he said he has other clients complaining that they can never beat me.  :-) 

After my strength/toning session with him, I stayed and got 45 minutes of cardio in, so I was basically at the gym for almost two hours working out.  It was a good outlet for me, though.  I came home after and it was so stupidly cold out, I decided to take a hot bath.  I ended up sitting in a too hot bath in the dark, feeling the weight of the day on my shoulders.

Artboy IMed me to say hi, and I told him what a sucky day I had.  He didn't respond, and it pissed me off, so I messaged him and said something along the lines of "I need to remember that trying to talk to you about anything of substance is pointless."  He responded almost immediately and apologized and asked why my day had been so bad.

Well, that was like opening the floodgates.  I told him about my day, and about Angry Ex, and how upset I was and why, and I just vented to him.  I told him that I'd never been single this long before, and how I'd never had to work for a relationship before.

He said, "You weren't being picky enough before.  That's why it was easier."  And you know what?  He was right.  I'd never thought of it that way before.  Truly.  When he said that it was like a bolt of realization struck me, and it was so interesting to have that perspective, especially coming from him. 

We talked more and I told him that I had a pattern of giving too much without getting enough in return, and how it had burned me, and that now I am so protective of my time and space as a result.  I got tired of losing myself in someone else and taking care of the needs of others over my own.  He said quite plaintively, "Maybe that's why you like me so much.  I'm pretty self sufficient."  I conceded the point.  "I'm a rare breed," he joked.  But it's true. 

I remain surprised to say that that conversation with him last night actually made me feel a lot better.  It gave me a different perspective, and also?  It was nice to have him be there for me as a friend when I needed him.  Dumping all of that on him was wholly unplanned, and I certainly didn't expect to have an actual conversation about all of the craziness running through my head.  But we did, and it was the first time I've felt that I had validation of why I keep him in my life, and why we still talk everyday and why I still enjoy hanging out with him.  He is not perfect.  He is not a good romantic match for me in the big picture.  But something about him gets something about me, and in those moments, it makes sense.

I eventually went to bed with the help of some Benadryl and Tylenol, and I woke up this morning with a lingering headache.  Took one of my migraine pills and by the time I got into the office I felt better.  I stopped at Whole Foods downtown and got some egg whites and fruit, and had egg whites and turkey sausage for breakfast with a glass of skim milk, and I have the fruit as a snack for later.  We have an All Personnel Luncheon today, so I will have to be careful with that. 

I'm trying to handle this eating thing properly.  I'm trying to cut back on sugar, eat lots of protein, watch my caloric intake and keep my carbs in check.  Right now that means trying to cut back on carbs.  My trainer talked to me about low carb work, but I think I just need to find a happy in between.  He said I can still have carbs, but it's about balance, and choosing good carbs.  If I have cereal for breakfast, I should skip carbs at lunch.  That kind of thing, hence the omission of cereal for breakfast today since I know lunch will probably have carbs. 

I imagine it will take me awhile to sort this out, but I'm trying.  I've never paid this much attention to my eating habits before, and it is hard and eye opening, but I think it will ultimately be beneficial.  I'm working towards a lifestyle change moreso than a diet because diets come and go, but lifestyle changes stick.  I just want to take better care of my body and support the serious efforts I've got in place with my exercise regime.  I also think that these modifications can only help my entire body feel and function better, and that's always a plus!

Tonight I will go to the gym, and then I'm going to try to get to bed earlier than usual.  I think that can only help, too, and there's no reason to stay up until 1am every week night. 

So far today is a better day.  I feel more in control of things again, and that is a nice change from yesterday.  Hopefully in a couple of days the hormonal stuff will head out the door, the dietary modifications will settle in a bit more, and I will start to reap more benefits of my efforts again. 

Cheers to re-focusing, a great support system here from all of you, and an unexpected voice of reason in the form of Artboy.  :-) 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


I am ready for today to be over.  It started off so promising.  My alarm went off at 6:35 and instead of snoozing it until post-7am, I got up and got ready for work.  It all pretty much went downhill from there.

It's cold outside.  DC cold, not Nebraska cold.  But the wind was chilling and my face hurt after my 5+ block to work from the Metro station.  I SO BADLY wanted a warm, comforting White Mocha from the Bux, but I ignored it's siren song and went on to the office.

This morning brought the kick in the gut of the revelation of Angry Ex's marriage, and the subsequent mess of emotions it left in its wake.  I've got yet another dull headache (THANKS, HORMONES) and I'm so over the headache thing from the last few days.  Enough already.  I feel emotionally drained and tired, and to top that off, my pants are tight.  It's pissing me off.

This afternoon I let stress get the better of me and I indulged in two tiny (like 2 inch square) lemon bars leftover from the Partners' Meeting, and even though I counted it and should be able to still stay on track with calories after I work out, it sent me soaring over my sugar recommendations, and I felt weak for giving in.  Worse yet?  All I want right now is a roll of cookie dough, a spoon and a giant glass of milk.  Hi, I'm Bluemoon, and I like to eat my feelings! 

I'm not going to buy a roll of cookie dough.  I'm not going to eat more tiny lemon bars, or pummel myself with guilt over eating the two I did.  It was a mistake, and I'm holding myself accountable, and reminding myself that while those lemon bars were tasty, they did not fix my heart.  And they certainly did not help the issue of my pants feeling tight, or my scale not budging, or that stupid tape measurer telling me the same waist measurement it has for weeks now. 

I do apologize for the droopy nature of my posts today.  I try not to be like this very often, but today is just hard.  I think it's a combination of hormones, the news from earlier today, and the struggle with the dietary changes on top of everything.  I'm just a ball of irritation and stress, it seems.

I'm annoyed with Georgia for seemingly disappearing on me after telling me he was worth the wait.

I'm annoyed with my trainer for being less than stellar on his communication in the last week.  He told me my Saturday session would be rescheduled, but never let me know when, so I emailed him pretty pissy on Sunday about it.  I'm scheduled for three this week to make up for it, but I'm irrationally frustrated with him because my fuse is already short. 

I'm annoyed with myself for those two lemon squares.

I'm annoyed with exes in general.  Go away already.

I'm really annoyed with these vindictive pants.  I swear I've ingested enough water today that I feel like I'm going to float away, but I feel fat and grumpy and like I need a nap.  Is it wrong to want the weekend already???

ETA:  Trainer just sent out cardio results for all of his clients again for last week.  I won again.  I burned over 3500 calories from exercise last week.  It made me feel a little better, and tamped down what was becoming a serious desire to eat that cookie dough until I felt sick. 

I hate Facebook.

I hate Facebook.  It has its benefits when it comes to keeping in contact with friends and family living far away from me, but sometimes it just provides too much access.

I had a weird moment this weekend.  I was driving, listening to an older playlist on my ipod.  A song came on, and it was one that was introduced to me by Angry Ex a few years ago.  Against my better judgment, I had a moment of nostalgia for the good parts of that relationship.  I allowed myself to feel it without punishing myself with reminders of how much more bad there was in there than good.

So today I'm on Facebook, and I think of Angry Ex.  For some reason I unblock him on FB, and I go to a profile picture that he commented on years ago, and I see his FB profile picture.  It's a wedding picture.   It's a picture of him cutting a wedding cake with the girl he started dating two months after we broke up.  The girl he bitched and complained and ranted about.  The one he said couldn't hold a steady job, never had reliable income, took advantage of his money.  The one he claimed he wanted to break up with to me over and over again.  The one he conveniently put out of his mind when he sexually propositioned me over and over again while they were still dating and we were still talking.  The one he told me he never loved the way he loved me.  That one.

He married her.  Apparently very recently, as the picture was dated January 7 and someone congratulated him on January 8. 

I don't want him.  I haven't wanted him for ages.  He was the meanest person I've ever dated, and I've never, ever felt as bad about myself as I did when I dated him.  He was manipulative, sneaky and had serious anger management issues.  He tore me down.  He said the cruelest things he could to me when we argued.  In spite of the good memories I did have with him, the fact remained that anytime he's contacted me in the last year, my stomach sinks and I feel nauseated and my heart pounds.  He scares me. 

Just last month he emailed me to tell me how hard of a time he was having.  How he'd sabotaged himself with his past legal issues when it came to his dream job.  How he'd cut off his entire family because they were toxic, and how few friends he had left.  He was looking for sympathy and compassion and the old Bluemoon way of being a stupid, illogical sucker willing to hand all of these things out for nothing in return.

He got jack shit for his troubles.  I deleted the email and didn't reply.  But now I'm even angrier that he had the nerve to contact me.  Clearly the wedding was in the works at that point.  Clearly SOMETHING wasn't going so terribly.  In the picture he looks really happy and it pisses me off.  I know that in reality the relationship is probably still a trainwreck on some level, and even if it weren't?  I still don't want him.  I dodged a barrage of bullets by not ever getting engaged to him like we talked about, and I am thankful everyday for the ways I have grown and become a better advocate for myself since that disaster of a relationship.

So why does it still hurt?  Why did that picture, those smiles, that stupid wedding cake make me so angry?  Why does it feel like I've been kicked in the stomach?  Why am I fighting back tears over a manipulative, raging piece of crap like him?  The good times were all a mirage, they were not what was real.  What was real in that relationship was the anger, and the belittling, and the emptiness I felt inside.  The isolation.

I hate that this bothers me.  And I hate that this has made me have even a single moment of self-pity, of wondering why that asshole gets to be happy and find someone when I don't.  I even had the thought pass through my mind that I wished he could see me now, how much I've changed myself inside and out, and how much he would want me if he could. 

All this proves is exactly why I need to leave him blocked and cut off in every single possible way.  I don't even have to talk to him to start feeling all screwed up inside like I used to when we were together.  Just the existence of him in my world for half a minute is enough to cause a tornado of bullshit emotion and I hate him for that.  I really do.

She can have him.  Aside from that, I hope he never, ever, ever tries to contact me again.  And if he does, I hope I never know about it.


So it's a tuesday that feels like a monday, and hardly anyone is in the office yet.  Until a moment ago, it was unnervingly quiet, but the gentleman across the hall just arrived in his office and is talking loudly on the phone. 

I love three day weekends.  They feel indulgent and lovely.  My weekend was an ideal mix of social and solo.  I saw a couple of movies, I had brunch with a girlfriend, I went out to dinner with some other friends.  I also got some new running shoes, did my grocery shopping and replaced all of my bathroom towels as well as my shower curtain and bathroom rugs.  Subsequently, I did a lot of laundry!  My tiny little bathroom is now revitalized and happier, and I think I can handle it for one more year.  I hope to move when my lease is up next year, and not only that, I hope to be buying a condo or something at that time.

So things with Georgia are moving into gray territory.  He finally got his orders last week and will definitely be arriving in the DC area the first week of February.  He texted me as soon as he found out, which I thought was cute.  But since then our everyday chatter has waned.  I'm not sure if he's just busy getting ready for his move, or if something has turned him off to me, but we're not talking as often.  We wouldn't have talked at all on Sunday if I hadn't messaged him late in the evening, and we didn't talk at all yesterday.  Not so promising!  I don't know if I'm making something out of nothing, but I'm just being realistic at this point, and I just don't know if this is going to go anywhere after all.  We shall see.  All I know is that it's his turn to contact me, and if he doesn't, that's that. 

I did have a busy weekend of chatter with several new guys this weekend.  Something must be in the air lately because I've been getting so many messages, and many of them are from decent, potentially interesting guys.  Who knows if a single one of them will go anywhere, but I guess we'll see.  I'm trying to open myself back up to all of this online dating business.  I've been back in it for awhile now, but I've not met anyone since the dozen roses guy (can't remember if I ever gave him a nickname) and that ended in mid-December at the latest. 

Football season is all but over now, so my built in excuse for staying in solo is gone, and I need to at least be open to the possibility of going out on a date here and there to try to meet some of these guys I'm talking to.  I can't hide forever!  I'm making an effort to be more social again, but sometimes it really is an effort. 

Sometimes my own company is the easiest, and sometimes I go against all the recommendations of everyone I know and I hang out with Artboy.  Just every couple of weeks, but seriously?  It's so easy when we do.  He spent the night a week ago Saturday, and it was just nice.  I'm not nervous around him.  I don't have to worry about what to say.  I was in pajamas when he came over, and we watched "Freddy vs. Jason" on a movie channel because it was on, and then we went to sleep.  I do miss that sometimes (though not all times)...having someone to sleep next to.  We didn't sleep all tangled up the entire night, but at various times he had his arms around me or vice versa, and it felt good to be reminded of how it is to be held. 

I am happy being solo most of the time.  I like having the big bed that I could sprawl out on if I wanted to, even though I mostly sleep on one side.  I like being accountable to no one.  But sometimes I glimpse how it used to be....falling asleep next to someone.  Waking up next to someone.  Having the freedom to put my arms around another warm body without analysis or fear of weirdness after.  And I miss it.  And I want it back.  But I don't know how to get it anymore.

I spent the years from age 19-32 in three long term, serious relationships.  I took it for granted, that companionship, that built in something.  Each of those relationships were flawed in their own ways, but at the end of the day I had someone to hug me if I was upset, or to wrap their arms around me at sleep time.  Now I've been essentially single for almost 2 years.  This is the longest I've ever been single.  I'm so used to it that it's hard for me to imagine how I would fit someone back in if I ever met anyone I liked enough.  But that base instinct remains.  That inner spark that is ignited by reliable human contact, the crook of an arm to fit into, a face I could touch and memorize and find home in. 

Life is weird sometimes.  And today I feel scattered.  But I'm still holding it together.  :-)

Friday, January 18, 2013

Bluemoon, the closet destructor

So I had one of those mornings.  You know, the kind where you look in your closet, you try on your jeans, and everything looks wrong or inadequate or tight or awful.  I destroyed my closet trying to find something to wear, and I left it all in a big old mess I'll have to clean up later.

I seriously almost cried over the fact that my jeans felt tight (they'd just been washed) and I just felt unattractive.  I was especially frustrated because I had set my alarm for 5:15, gotten up, gone out to the gym for an hour workout and returned home to get ready to work only to be confronted with this.  I was pissed.  I go to the gym 5-6 days a week, plus meet with my trainer 2 days a week.  I've completely revamped my eating in the last couple of days, plus hugely increased my water intake.  And now there I was, standing in front of my closet feeling fat.  WTF?

Part of it is hormonal, I know that and I kept reminding myself of that.  But it remained infuriating.  I finally found something to wear, but I don't feel awesome today.  I feel a little discombobulated, not polished, not fantastic.  That's okay.  Not every day can be a glam day, I get that.  These are the hard days, when I have to remind myself that all of my hard work is paying off, but that it doesn't pay off in a lump sum.  It comes in waves, it comes gradually, and it's a process. 

I am doing good things for myself with all of my exercise and my diet changes.  I am taking care of myself for more reasons than just simple vanity.  This is a big picture type of adventure I'm on, not an instant gratification scenario.

So I found an outfit that worked.  I painted my nails a bright, irridescent purple shade that makes me happy.  I have an appt. for a haircut, so I will soon have smooth, organized hair for a couple of days.  And I packed my breakfast, lunch and snack for work, and I have my workout under my belt already, and these are all good things.

There will always be fat days, especially as a woman.  We can fluctuate so easily from one day to the next, and hormones can just toss us entirely off course.  But things even out eventually.  They settle, and the universe will feel right again, and one day sooner than later, I will find some kind of results from my newly revitalized dietary efforts.  Maybe in a week, maybe in a month.  Maybe on the scale, maybe in how my clothes fit, maybe in how I feel.  But there will be a reward.  There will be a payoff.  It is worth it.  It is all worth it.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

White Mocha-Less

Today is Day 2 of Operation Whiteout.  Operation Whiteout is what I'm calling my new mission to remove the Starbucks Decaf Grande Skim No Whip White Mocha from my daily routine.  This has been my go-to drink for years and years.  I get it almost everyday, and on the days I don't, I get a Peppermint Mocha. 

The origins of Operation Whiteout are simple.   I had a session with my trainer on Tuesday night, and I was venting about how I hadn't lost any inches or weight in about a month.  I felt stuck and I was looking for some answers.  I told him that I know I have the exercise thing down, I'm good with that, so it had to be the diet.  He asked me to run through what I'd eaten that day, and wasn't pretty.  I've been insanely hungry for ages now, and Tuesday was a prime example of the worst outcome from a day like that.

In the end, he told me that I was eating way too much sugar.  He said I was hungrier because I'd increased my metabolism, and that I was making poor choices on the things to eat when I was hungry.  Really, I knew all of this, but I needed to hear it.  He told me that I should be having 25g or less of sugar a day.  I laughed.  But I googled it and 30g a day is the recommended amount for women.

He asked me if I really wanted to keep working my ass off in the gym and with him only to then go home and overload on sugar and bad food.  Solid point.  So I went home and decided to just look up my white mocha out of curiosity for sugar count.  HOLY. HELL.

58 grams of sugar.  58.  In a skim white mocha with no whipped cream.  58.  When I'm supposed to have 30 at most in a DAY.

I couldn't believe it.  I started looking up the sugar on the things I indulged in frequently, including the 1% chocolate milk I'd substituted in as my "treat" at night after gym instead of the ice cream I used to do.  38 grams of sugar in 1 cup.  And I will tell you now, I never drank one cup at a time.  :-o

I decided right then and there that I had to change this.  That was shocking to me.  I went out to the store and bought some lean meats, some nuts, some fruits and veggies.  I packed my lunch for the next day, packed breakfast and snacks.  And on the way into work, I bypassed Starbucks, and I had a decaf coffee at work with two packets of Splenda.  I had a measured out, calorie counted day of food. 

My body sabotaged my first day of great efforts, though.  I got home, had dinner and then got smacked with a horrible migraine.  I ended up bypassing the gym in favor of sleeping for about 10 hours.  I needed it, but I felt guilty, anyway.  Because of that unexpected event, I ended up not doing perfectly with my nutrition and calories.

I went over my recommended calories by 71, over my carbs by 17, and over my sugar by 13 (with the sugar goal being set at 25 by  You know what?  I'm still pretty pleased with that.  I would have easily burnt off those calories and about 500+ more if I'd been able to go to the gym, which I do 6 days a week.  Carbs I'm not obsessing over, and going over by 17 isn't awful, anyway. And the sugar?  Well, when you consider that the day before, just between my white mocha and my post-gym chocolate milk I had 111....38 isn't so bad.  ;-)

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good and very well rested, which was nice for a change.  I walked past Starbucks again after pit stopping at Whole Foods for some vanilla coconut milk non-dairy creamer I'd read about.  It was really good, gave me the milk taste and the sweetness I wanted without having to add any additional sugar.  Yes, the creamer had some sugar in it, but it was 4g/tablespoon, which is manageable!

I brought my lunch again, I have healthy snacks at the ready.  I realized that if I make better food choices, with more filling foods instead of sugary things that just make me feel hungry again 30 minutes later, I actually get to eat a lot on gym days in particular, and even on non-gym days like yesterday, I ate a good amount. 

So this is the change I'm working on.  It's long overdue.  I've been working so hard on the exercise part of all of this, and I made small changes with my diet before, but I really needed a kick in the pants to jumpstart some real change on that front.  Hopefully the less sugar I eat on a daily basis, the less I'll crave it.  I'm not aiming to quit sugar entirely, or even quit Starbucks entirely.  I'm thinking that maybe once I'm more comfortable with the reduced sugar amounts I'm taking in, I'll factor in a tall Starbucks drink once a week, but perhaps with fewer pumps of the syrup that makes it so sugary.  I'll decide on that maybe next week or the week after, but right now I want to do a more significant sugar detox, so I'm just going to avoid the 'Bux.

Hopefully the reduced sugar, the increased focus on fruits and veggies and lean meats and nuts will help jolt my system back into motion, and over the next couple of weeks maybe things will get moving again.  :-)

I don't plan to calorie count forever, I think I just want to do it for a week or two to have an explicit awareness of what I'm eating and how much.  I need those numbers to remind me sometimes.  :-)

Sorry for the possibly boring post, but this is what's going on right now.  Will post a more interesting, non-food and exercise related post later I think!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

the art of flirting at a distance

Oh, how I've forgotten the rush of some good flirting over text.  It is kind of delightful to sit here in my office and exchange short little messages that alternately make me laugh and blush.  Nothing scandalous, just cute little flirtations and teasing and I like it, damn it.  I like it a lot.  :-)

Plus?  It's nice that it's not with dead end Artboy.

strawberry kind of afternoon

I have about two hours of work left today, and I'm restless!  I've gotten a lot taken care of in preparation for my absence, and am actually waiting on a couple more things to land on my desk to finish up before I go.  I'm in this weird holding pattern waiting on other people to finish their part, and I can't do mine until they do. 

I see my trainer tonight at 7pm, and I've been trying to eat okay all day in preparation.  I'm drinking a ton of water, I had strawberries and grapes for breakfast/snack and taco salad  (chicken breast, low sodium taco seasoning, lettuce, reduced fat cheese and a handful of Garden Salsa flavored sun chips for crunch) for lunch.  I did have my white mocha this morning, but that's a given!  Hopefully I at least lost the inch I gained back in my waist after all the damn Christmas cookies last time.  :-)

At this point in the day my mind is pretty much anywhere but work.  Here I sit chugging water, noshing on strawberries and thinking of all the things I need to do tonight before I go.  Trainer.  Maybe a load of laundry.  Dig up some slightly warmer clothes from storage downstairs.  Pack.  Paint my nails a lovely, bright shade of pink. 

I will probably get up about 5 am and catch a cab to the airport around 5:30 or 5:45.  My flight is at 7 am and I'm not checking any bags, so arriving an hour in advance is probably more than sufficient.  Hopefully I can sleep on the plane, but in all reality I'll be lucky to doze.  Planes are simply too uncomfortable to sleep on! 

Because this all materialized at such late notice, it still kind of feels pretend, but  at this time tomorrow I will have been in Orlando for a few hours already.  Yay!

Monday, January 7, 2013


It's Monday.  Normally Mondays aren't my thing.  But this Monday?  I'm not hating it.

I'm going on the world's shortest trip this week.  Orlando Wednesday morning through Friday evening.  Two nights, essentially two full days, as I land in Orlando via direct flight at 9:20 am.  Because I am an overgrown child, I am most excited about returning to Universal to see Harry Potter World again.  And to drink Butterbeer.  And be somewhere warmer, staying in a kickass villa with a big old pool accessible.

I'm bringing books.  A swimsuit.  Capris.  Sandals.  Sunscreen.  :-) 

I just got the plane ticket last night, and this idea was just suggested last night.  I'm not going with a boyfriend or anyone I have romantic interest in at all.  But I'm going, and I'm insanely excited for this tiny, brief getaway from DC.

I'm excited to see if my summer clothes fit a bit better now.  I'm excited because the accommodations have a really nice gym available.  I'm excited to get to go play for a couple of days, with nearly no notice and nearly no time to wait around with feverish anticipation.  Yay!

Second?  I'm still talking to Georgia Guy.  We texted all weekend long, and then he called me Sunday evening.  We talked for over an hour while he finished up his two hour drive back to his current city of residence after visiting his brother.  We talked about our families, our jobs, our past relationship history, general life musings. 

The only thing that puts any measure of frustration into the situation is that he wasn't coming here until April.  And then?  He texts me late this morning to tell me he just found out he's moving here at the beginning of February instead.  Apparently his move had been delayed three times already, and he thought it was going to get bumped to April, but the February date is supposedly sticking now.

Beginning of February is a whole hell of a lot sooner than April.  Much more reasonable, and much more likely that we'll stay in contact until that point and finally get a chance to meet.  His next task is to find somewhere to live, and he had already told me he was hoping to end up in the same city where I happen to live.  Can you imagine?

It's still early, and I've had great conversations with people burn out for lesser reasons than this, so who knows.  But today, it made me happy that he texted me with the news as soon as he found out.  I'll take a little bit of potential and hope!

So yeah, my Monday is not so bad.  And tonight I'll go to the gym and get my workout in, and I will watch the BCS bowl game, and I will make a quick stop at the store for a day of food before I go out of town.  Then I will wake up very early on Wednesday to catch my direct flight, spend three days somewhere lovely, and come home to a weekend.  Complaints?  I don't have any today.  :-)

Friday, January 4, 2013

Isn't this my luck?

The weekend is nigh!  I'm happy about it because holidays always throw me off my game schedule-wise.  Last night I went to B&N post-trainer and picked up "Will Grayson, Will Grayson" and "The Fault in Our Stars", which is another John Green book that has gotten stellar reviews.  It is apparently an ugly cry book, but I've heard enough good things about it that I will risk it.

I have "Will Grayson, Will Grayson" in my bag to start today hopefully, and I found the other book I mentioned, "Why We Broke Up", in my nightstand.  I should be good on reading material for a bit!

I started talking to a new guy yesterday via PoF.  I'm talking to several people, but so far he's the only one worth mentioning.  :-)  We exchanged several messages last evening before my busy night set in, and then a couple after I got home.  We then ended up talking on the phone, with me telling him I could talk for just a few.  Yeah....we ended up on the phone for almost 3.5 hours.  :-o  We just talked and talked and talked, and he was funny and charming and flirty and adorable.

The kicker?  He doesn't live here just yet.  Ha! He's moving here for a job (he's in the Air Force) in April, and is currently in Georgia.  GO FIGURE.  I think I've expressed before my general desire to be able to meet people fairly quickly after we start exchanging messages, at least if I think I may like them.  I don't want to get all invested by exchanging a ton of messages or talking on the phone and then meeting in person and having it go flat.  However, it appears that in this situation I don't have much choice!

I guess we'll see if we even keep talking.  It's insanely early on, but I really do like his personality, his pictures are adorable, he has bright blue eyes, is 5'10", well-spoken.  It will be interesting to see how exactly this unfolds, and if interest remains on both sides.  In the meantime, I will keep checking my messages on PoF and conversing with anyone who strikes my fancy.

I am so looking forward to watching lots of football this weekend: Cotton Bowl tonight, playoffs tomorrow and Sunday and then the BCS National Championship monday night. That lineup makes me a happy Bluemoon! 

Happy Friday!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

so many good things

2013 has just started, and yet there are so many things I am excited about.  I'm talking about real, actual things that you can touch and hold or listen to or watch. They are little things, trivial things, but I feel like talking about them and sharing them, so I will!

* Kraft Milk Bites - This is a weird product that is basically a milk and granola bar. My brother and his fiancee offered me one of these the morning after I spent the night at their home over my Christmas visit. I had the strawberry kind, and good! I've since bought a box of the strawberry and the chocolate for my home, and will buy the peanut butter when I can find them. These are hard to find in general, but so interesting and I love them. Yum. 

* Pitch Perfect - I watched this movie On Demand on NYE. I'd been wanting to see it since it came out in the theater, but this is the kind of movie I usually don't see until I can watch it at home. I loved it. It was a happy, feel good movie. It was fun, it had interesting mashups of music, and I just really enjoyed it. Plus, I adore Rebel Wilson and find her hilarious. :-)

* Tights - I have been so into tights lately. Most recently I bought a pair of bright blue ones that I am looking forward to wearing. I have plain black, striped black, patterned black, brown, gray, sparkly black and gray, and now blue. I also have a new blue dress to wear to work, and my main battle before I can wear it is to decide which pair of tights to pair it with, and which heels. These are the fun kind of choices one can make in a day. :-)

* I'm reading an excellent book right now called "Defending Jacob" by William Landay.  I love it.  It's one of those books I look forward to picking up in the morning and evening for my commute, and that I am disappointed to put down.  It's about a prosecutor whose teenaged son is accused of the murder of a classmate, and it's compelling.  Highly recommend!

* Girls:  I love this show on HBO.  The second season is getting ready to start on 1/13/12 and I can't wait. I've found that those who watch either hate it with a passion or love it like I do.  There's not much of an in between.  The characters may be self-indulgent and flawed, but I love them, and I love the dysfunctional lead, Hannah.  The series is also releasing a soundtrack, and I will be ordering that on Amazon when it comes out on the 8th!  The episodes had some great music.

* Will Grayson, Will Grayson - This is a book I haven't read yet.  It's a collaborative effort between John Green, who is a brilliant, beautiful writer, and David Levithan.  I'd heard good things about it in the past, but I recently read a quote from it, as well as a very loving review written about it, and it convinced me.  I have a B&N giftcard, and part of it is going to this. 

The quote that convinced me: "You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot."

* Like Crazy - I love this movie.  I own the DVD.  I own the soundtrack because the instrumental music in it is gorgeous.  There is a part of the movie that sticks with me, a thing written by one of the main characters in the story:

"I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn't, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it's the halves that halve you in half. I didn't know, don't know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me."

I have this on my list of things to watch again soon.

* Warm Bodies - I had seen this book in passing many times in the bookstore, but never paid any attention.  Then I saw a movie preview for it, and it appealed to me in a strange way.  Save for The Walking Dead, I've never really been a zombie enthusiast, but this looked different.  A zombie love story, maybe?  The cover of the book drew me in, and I had to have it in real life book form, so I bought it.  It's one of those books I anticipate reading, but keep putting off.  I hope it is as good as I want it to be!

* Why We Broke Up - This is a book by Daniel Handler.  I bought it several months ago because the feel of the book appealed to me.  Hardback, smooth, cold pages.  A love story with pictures, but in the most unusual way.  I started it, but never finished it.  It's somewhere in the depths of my bedroom I think, and I am going to go home and dig it out.  I read something about it today, some tangential connection from my reading on "Will Grayson, Will Grayson", and now I'm reenergized about reading it.  It's nice to already own it!

* Ready Player One - I read this book by Ernest Cline last fall.  I was so surprised to love it as much as I did.  I recommended it to many people, but the person I thought it was best suited for never read it.  This year, in the midst of doing my Christmas shopping, I impulsively ordered a copy of it for Artboy.  Yes, I still talk to Artboy.  Yes, I still see Artboy. 

I gave it to him on Tuesday night, and he was funny about it, making jokes, teasing me about the main character's name.  I don't think he expected anything from me, and I didn't make a big deal out of it, just handed him the book. 

We talked on IM last night and he made a comment about a part of the book.  He'd already started reading it.  He's a tough nut to crack, a man with particular tastes and unpredictable interests.  I don't know if he'll like the book as much as I did, or as much as I thought he would, but he's reading it, and that makes me happy.  A good book is being read by another person.  Mission accomplished.

* Steven Millhauser - This is an author I've never heard of.  Artboy, prior to reading my book, was reading The Night Circus, which is another book I love.  The writing is beautiful, and I loved the story.  He was talking about how it reminded him of Steven Millhauser, but also mentioned how her writing was different.  He recommended some of this author's writing, in particular a short story, so this is also on my B&N giftcard list. 

So these are all the things I can think of for now.  Things I just wanted to talk about, no matter how silly they were.  I hope you will consider checking out at least one of these things, and that perhaps you are already familiar with one or more.  EVERYONE SHOULD LOVE WHAT I LOVE.  ;-)

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Is that so much to ask?

"I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me." - Hannah, "Girls"

So the holidays are a booming time for internet dating, it seems.  I think it frequently reminds single people of their singlehood, and with all the hearts and stars and whimsy in the air, it's easy to get caught up and feel like you are missing something if you're not part of a pair.  I think I even had a couple of those moments around Christmas, and even a brief moment in the midst of my solo NYE.

However, I have to say that I have received an absolutely unbelievable number of messages and notifications on my online dating profile in the last few days.  It is kind of over the top crazy.  It's like all the single men hopped onto the site and started searching with all their might for their next mate.

I feel very popular, sure.  But anytime there's a flood like this, there are sure to be some snakes in the water.  I am growing weary of being told how breathtaking or beautiful I am.  Does that sound wrong?  I'm not ungrateful or anything, and I don't have some floor-skimming self-esteem levels.  I just know that I'm generally more of a "cute" or an "adorable" type.  I have my beautiful moments, and maybe here or there I've taken a breath away, but generally?  That's not me.  I find those over the top compliments to be a turn off.

Sometimes I think I know what I want, and other times I'm just not so sure, and that's okay.  The quote from "Girls" sounds pretty good, but I don't want someone who wants to hang out all the time.  Not really.  Although maybe if I found the right person, I'd like that, and I'd want to hang out all the time, too.

Key difference?  Unlike the bluemoon of the past, I wouldn't do it.  I'd keep going to the gym.  Doing my own thing.  Doing happy hours when it's nicer, going to movies with friends.  I would finally find the balance between together time and solo time, and I expect whatever relationship I do find myself in next will be a lot healthier for it.  :-)

The parts about thinking I'm the best person in the world and wanting to have sex with only me are non-negotiable, though.  ;-) 

Happy New Year!