Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Wallowing, a sport for one

Did you know that last night I had a major pity party for myself?  It was festive!  There were tears, unbearable coughing fits that left my abdomen and back aching, a pitiful hot shower in the dark, more tears (shed over a bowl of pasta I begrudgingly ate at 9pm), and the capper, me in sweatpants and a hoodie, curled up on the couch like the loneliest, saddest girl in the world.  I went to bed without watching TV, and I cried some more, and I coughed some more.  It was PATHETIC.

Nope, I'm not hormonal, just lame.  Happens to the best of us, I guess!

I had plans with someone and they bailed late in the afternoon.  Just cause, but it was still disappointing.  Then B-Day Guy.  He had a date last night, and had told me in advance that he was going to come by after.  Well, the date ended up going way better than he expected, and so he didn't come by.  He did call, and we talked, but I spent the conversation feeling sorry for myself.  He goes on ONE DATE, the first he's been on in ages, and has an awesome time, and I go on twenty and they all suck.  WTF?

Then he ended the call abruptly and told me he'd call me back, which he never did.  I texted him and teased him (half joking, anyway) that I saw how he was, one good date and he abandoned me.  He told me he'd call me tomorrow (today) and that we'd hang out tonight, and that he'd rented Thor. 

1) I will not watch Thor.
2) I don't want a pity hang.  :-)

This was pretty late, so I just didn't reply.  To sleep I went!  He texted me this morning and told me to call him at work, but I'm not interested in doing that, so I'm not. 

I'm bummed because even though I don't want to date B-Day Guy myself, I have really enjoyed hanging out with him so much, and I know that if he keeps dating this person that will change.  Also, I remain slightly scornful at his luck! 

Beyond that, I had plans with a couple of girlfriends for Sunday, and they fell through, so that was disappointing.  I did make alternate plans, which is all fine and good, but I'd been looking forward to catching up with the original people, so it wasn't quite the same.

Honestly, I'm kind of fed up with myself right now.  I don't know what I want.  I'm very quick to dismiss all of the people I've gone on dates with, I get hung up on people I shouldn't, I want to be single, but I don't.  I am a directionless mess!

I went on a date Sunday, not even worth thinking of a nickname because it didn't go anywhere and won't.  Talking to a few more people, but I barely care.  Lately I'm just very discouraged and that's why I hadn't been on a date in over a month.  I just expect it to suck, and it does.  Everyone is perfectly nice, blah blah blah, but that's just not enough.  I know enough nice people!

Anyway, I woke up on time this morning (overslept yesterday) and my cough felt a little better.  As I showered, I thought about how ridiculously I behaved last night and was kind of annoyed by myself.  As I've written this post, though, I've realized that I've not quite gotten rid of all of the gloominess and cynicism.  I guess I just need to let it be and hopefully the day will swing upwards soon.

Work is really busy, and I have an awesome work event to look forward to tomorrow night, so that's exciting.  I will take what I can get!

I sign off, the gloomiest, most pathetic girl in the world (at least last night).  :-)

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