Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Too much

I'm overdue for an update.  Last week wrapped up as a very busy week, and I was incredibly grateful for the happy hour I had with co-workers Friday night.  I definitely needed the break, the social side of things, and the laughter.  After happy hour, the girls of the group went to get dinner together, which was a great way to cap off the evening.  I got a nice, pleasant buzz and headed home on my merry way.

This weekend I saw the ex.  I was out in his area to pick something up from my dog's old vet office, and he had something of mine, so we met up in a Target parking lot (seriously) for me to get it.  I won't lie, it was awkward.  I hadn't seen him since March when we broke up, and I kept thinking of all that had transpired since then.  He gave me a hug upon seeing me, which felt incredibly awkward, and I said as much.  He seemed surprised that I thought it was awkward, but I don't believe it wasn't a little bit the same for him.  We managed to chat for about 20 minutes and things felt easier.

He's very strange about his new girlfriend. All I know is that she's hugely insecure and threatened by pretty much the entire population of women, in particular me.  I don't know why..he loved me, but we were never right.  Either way, he's super cagey about her and seems reticent to talk about it beyond the surface, which is fair.  I asked if she was living with him yet and he got very strange, so I'm assuming that answer is yes, but I can't figure out why it matters.  I don't want him back.  He feels no issue asking me about my life, why can't I do the same?

This week at work, and the end of last, has been very hectic.  We are insanely busy and I've felt very overwhelmed and a bit like I'm drowning.  I've worked through my lunch a couple of times because we are in a time crunch, but I know that's not good for makes me a little insane when the workload and stress levels are this high. 

I had acupuncture last night, and it was one of those nights where some of the needles HURT, in particular the ones she did for carpal tunnel.  As soon as she left the room, leaving me in the cool darkness, tears sprung to my eyes and rolled passively down my cheeks.  Sometimes that happens.  It's like she taps into everything going on inside of me and those needles act like a release. It was just a brief moment of tears, but after that I finally settled into a deep relaxation, and I think I may have actually fallen asleep.  When she came in mid way to check on me, I woke up, but I think I did it again after she left.  I needed that.

I was feeling a bit aimless after my appointment.  I didn't want to go home.  I didn't want to go to R's like I'd considered doing.  I ended up contacting my ex-H, whom I'm friends with again for these last several months.  I went to his apartment and we watched the Redskins game, and it was nice to just hang out with someone and not have to try to be anything or do anything.  Sometimes I just get so tired of everyone either pawing at me or making sexual innuendo or even flirting with me...I just want to be left alone and talked to like a normal person. I don't always want to flirt or play.  Luckily, and oddly, hanging out with my ex-H is a guaranteed way to get that break, and I'm thankful for it.

I still need to do a brief boy update, but that will have to be another post, as the workload on my desk is calling.

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