Wednesday, April 27, 2011

In love...

With this weather!  No, I haven't gone off and swooped up a new relationship after waxing poetic about how accomplished I feel for not doing that very thing last night.  ;-)  Truly, though, this springtime weather is making me so happy.  I know there are tornado warnings in the area, and we're under a tornado watch ourselves, and let me clarify that I do not have love for tornadoes...just the on and off rain, wind, thunder and lightning we've had all night and at various points during this week.

There is no better way to fall asleep than to the sound of low rumbles of thunder beyond your window.  I know it may be rainy and gloomy tomorrow, which will be unfortunate since I have a couple of things to do during the day, but it's all good.  It's spring, and spring means thunderstorms!

Mellow night at the homestead tonight.  Walked the Merdog in the rain.  Listened to music.  Watched some DVR.  Redid my nails after a relaxing bath.  Ordered in takeout for dinner, which means a couple more meals of leftovers in store for me.  :-)

Tomorrow is thursday, and thursday is almost friday.  Another week winding down...part of me will be sad to see this one end.  It's been such a fantastic week, and it's not over yet.  I'm really just feeling all sorts of love for all of the people in my life right now, and the weather, and anticipation for more good to come.

On that note, time to shut the laptop down for the night and get some sleep!

Life is weird.

Sometimes there's no better way to say it than the direct is weird.  I am occasionally struck dumb by the way things can turn on a dime, how times in my life that feel like an eternity suddenly flash by in the blink of an eye.  I look at the last five weeks and change since the breakup, and I can plot out the bullet points of the grief process.  I had my dalliance with each stage, even if out of order. 

I remember two weeks ago hitting rock bottom.  I was depressed, lethargic, wallowing in the sorrow of my loss.  I couldn't see beyond my own sadness.  It felt like it would never end, and I wondered if I would feel like myself again anytime soon.  It felt so dramatic, so devastating, and it affected every aspect of my life.  I felt disillusioned by many of my friendships, fed up with work, and really low about myself.  I looked in the mirror and saw someone who deserved the crappy hand she'd been dealt.  I felt fiercely unattractive, unworthy, and I wanted to just blend in and be forgotten.

That seems like ages ago to me.  I remember I spoke with the ex during that week, my rock bottom, and I contacted him expressly to go on a diatribe about how I didn't know if I could do this another two weeks.  I told him how awful I felt all the time, how I was just going through the motions and barely getting by.  He empathized and seemed to be feeling something along the same lines, and we skimmed the pathetic surface of our storm ridden waters, wondering what the hell we were even doing.

The most important thing I remember is pointing out to him, somewhat wistfully, that maybe this was the bottom we needed to hit before things would start to turn around.  Maybe we had to really plumb the depths of our misery before we could start to climb out.  I also remember not believing my own words as anything more than wishful thinking.  As if speaking the words might change the course of the fates and break the curse of our unhappiness.  I felt resigned to the unhappiness.

But it turns out I may have been right.  That week was awful.  I faked it well enough with most people, I don't think I came off as the tragic wreck I felt like to most.  But it took all the energy I had to try.  Then came the weekend and the MS Walk.  My first social event in awhile.  It rained the whole time.  It was chilly.  It was awesome.  I finally felt a little spark of something. 

Last week was a week of rounding the corner day by day.  It felt good, but not in a drastic way.  Just a quiet sense of okay seeping in, a lessening of the panic, a soothing of the heart.  And then came another weekend.  And I was social, and I had fun, and I had a really insanely awkward meetup event turn into me with one socially awkward individual, but I survived, and I stayed solo after he left.  I laughed, I moved in time to the music of a concert, I flirted with a waiter harmlessly, I sang along to music in my car.  I felt a little bit more like me.  And on sunday I had dinner with a friend, and afterwards we sat outside in a park, and I watched lightning streak across the sky for hours.  We literally sat out in this park for 2+ hours, talking and watching the electricity crease the sky.  Constant flashes in different corners, lighting up the night as darkness fell. 

Thunderstorms are my thing.  They always have been.  I find peace in them, and a certain kind of joy.  Sitting outside on that warm night, couched in good conversation, a mellow breeze, the background chatter and laughter of others in the was a perfect moment for me.  One I would have captured in a bottle like the lightning in the sky if I could have.  I felt happy.  I felt right.  I felt like me. 

I drove home in the rain, smiling to myself.  I sang louder to the music, I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel in time to the beat.  It was exhilarating.  Truly.

This week.  Oh, this week, how I love you.  Starting sunday, I've had the three best days I've had consecutively in MONTHS.  I feel like each day I'm a little happier.  Monday I met a new neighbor at the bus stop.  I was glad to be a resource for the Midwest transplant, having been one myself six years prior.  I felt a little thump of satisfaction when the neighbor introduced himself to me before we parted ways....I'm so used to being the one to break that stranger barrier and introduce myself.  It was a welcome change to have someone turn it around on me. 

I felt damn good on Monday.  I was wearing a new pair of shoes I bought on Friday, and within 5 minutes of being in the office I'd gotten two compliments on them, and I got more as the day went on, as well as a compliment on my outfit.  I walked with confidence on Monday.  A little spring rejoined my step.  In the evening I received an unexpected gift of kindness and generosity from a loved one.  It took a giant weight off of my shoulders with regards to other stressors in my life, and the best part was that it came unsolicited, out of the pure goodness of someone's heart.

Today, I took extra care in my appearance again.  I cared again. It paid off again.  More compliments on different shoes.  Compliments on my outfit, my general appearance, my figure (in a non sexual harassment way, LOL).  More spring in my step.  More confidence in my pocket.  More wit on hand for conversation with friends.  I got to catch up with an old friend over lunch.  I talked with other friends briefly at other points during the day and evening. 

All day long I was smiling.  Laughing.  Cracking jokes.  I came home and put music on and actually danced around my apartment, with my animals looking at me like I was a nutter.  I felt like one, and I felt damn good about it.  I was actually overflowing with good feelings.  In the course of two weeks, everything felt different.  Brighter.  More hopeful.  I feel GOOD.  Amazingly good.  Curiously good.  Dance around my living room, sing at my animals, smiling like an idiot all by myself good. 

I may still have a conversation looming with the ex this weekend, but in so many ways I feel like a thousand pounds of weight have been lifted from my shoulders.  For once I'm not carrying the weight of his stress, and the relationship stress, and buried at the very bottom, the last to be acknowledged or dealt with, my own stress.  I've let go of so much. 

I feel like it is a secret, like I shouldn't say it too loud.  That by speaking it, it means I don't care anymore, or that I'm claiming to have moved on, or that I'm done with the past.  It doesn't mean any of those things, at least not exactly.  The secret is that I like it.  This is liberating.  Being responsible only for my own emotions.  Carrying only my own baggage.  Being accountable only to myself.  I don't have to explain anything to anyone.  I can go where I please, do what I want, say what I want and I am the only one who gets a vote.

So often in the past I've sold myself dangerously short.  I put myself third behind the other person and the relationship.  I get used to taking care of the other person's needs and frustrations and having mine forgotten and sidestepped, and I voluntarily encourage it.  I let my own needs wither and shrink away from lack of attention.  I become everything to everyone, the best caretaker in the world, because it's what I do. 

It's hard to resist the temptation to designate what I'm feeling as selfish.  It seems selfish.  To feel such exuberance over being the one in charge of my own life, the only one with a say.  To revel in not being responsible for sharing the emotional burdens of another.  To feel free because I'm finally standing on my own.  But it's not selfish.  It's exactly what I need.  For the first time in my adult life, I'm taking care of me.  I'm doing it on my own without falling back on the crutch of a new relationship. 

I am so crazy proud of myself.  I have no idea what this means for this weekend, or next week, or the next month.  All I know is that it feels good to feel good.  I am going to be hard pressed to let this go for anyone right now.  Sure, someday I want to find a healthy way to indulge that need to take care of someone, to help shoulder their burdens, and to have them shoulder mine.  But for right now, in this exact space and time, it is all about me.  I am going to walk for awhile with only my own weight to carry.  I feel lighter every hour of every day. 

Thursday, April 21, 2011



-I went to the dentist and found out I have a small cavity.  Boo!
-I laughed a lot at work.
-I talked to a good friend on chat for a bit.  I miss Columbia and Mizzou and Tracy!
-I found myself, on more than one occasion, moving my head to the music in my headphones, dancing around a bit to no music at all in my kitchen, and feeling a good bit of clarity about things in my life for the first time in awhile.
-I had a delightful stromboli for dinner
-I brushed my teeth too many times, as if it could make up for the aforementioned cavity or erase it
-I felt anticipation for my weekend
-I felt a huge sense of missing so many of my friends in far off places and wondering how and when I'll get to see them again!
-I had another migraine free day!
-I remembered again how much I like to make lists.  ;-)

And now it's time to call it a night!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Four weeks

Four weeks from tomorrow evening marks a month since the breakup.  I miss him every single day.  I miss talking to him, venting about our respective work days to one another, and the way his eyes lit up when I used to come home from work, and he would exclaim, "Baby!" like he'd been waiting for me.  Sigh.  I miss that.

It took me awhile to figure out if I was just missing the companionship, or the idea of a relationship, or actually missing him.  While I definitely miss all the relationship stuff, I also definitively miss him.  I will not whitewash things and pretend we were perfect even in our finest moments, but there was a lot of good in us as a couple, and I miss that intensely. 

Anyway.  Today was good.  I got a late start to my work day because of an appt. with my apartment maintenance crew.  By the time I arrived at the office, I'd had a nice conversation with the aforementioned maintenance guy, gotten waves and honks while waiting for my bus to pick me up (LOL) and ran into an old neighbor outside of my building.

Once in the office, I arrived to a brand new, GIGANTIC monitor for my computer, which was pretty awesome. I could watch some movies on that thing if I ever wanted to hang out outside of working hours.  ;-)  23 inches of awesome.  I laughed a lot today.  It felt good.  I ate too much saltwater taffy courtesy of the junk food fairy who frequents our lunch room.  I dealt with stressy work situations without getting tense and irritable, and instead laughed it off.  I was productive, I felt good, and happiness was not so elusive.

I know it is a long road back to feeling like this all the time.  I know that in the back of my mind I've been consumed by some pretty weighty relationship things all day and evening long.  But I guess the big accomplishment is that I had a good day in spite of that tape playing in the background.  It didn't consume my day.  Small victories.  :-)

Tomorrow morning I have an 8am dentist appt.  Definitely NOT my favorite way to start a day, but better to get it over with I suppose.  Beyond that, it will be thursday, and thursday is almost friday, and friday is the weekend.  I have plans for a happy hour on friday, but I may bail because Saturday is looking full-ish and Sunday isn't empty either.  We shall see.  For now, time to wrap up and try to get some sleep!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Silver Lining Kind of Evening

Four loads of laundry.  A hot meal that included a fresh vegetable.  Dishwasher unloaded.  A night with no migraine.  A night with me and energy in the same zip code.  A walk for the dog, a chat on the phone with my mom.

Tonight I finally felt like me again.  I don't know if it's the Allegra I bought and took today at the recommendation of my awesome pharmacist or what, but this is the best I've felt physically in awhile.  Add to that the weather is gorgeous, I've had the windows open all evening, and I got to crawl into a bed made up with freshly laundered sheets.  A tiny little moment of bliss.  :-)

As I was closing everything down for the evening in the apt., I took the Merdog outside one last time.  I stepped out of the door and was hit with the sweetest smell.  I don't know which flower out there smells that good, but it was just lovely, and I took a deep breath of it.

I have no idea where my life is going.  I can't even predict for 100% sure what I'll be doing this weekend.  But it felt so good to have this night where I felt right again.  I enjoyed my evening alone and appreciated it instead of bemoaning it.  I am still me, I still have people I love and ten million little things that make me happy every single day, even if I forget it sometimes.  I still have a deep capacity for happiness and it was good to remember that again.

And the final happy note to a lovely evening? I get to go into work a couple of hours late because my apartment maintenance folks are coming by at 9 to change air filters and check smoke alarms.  The animals probably won't let me sleep in, but I'll definitely have some additional lounge time, and Mercy walk time, and stop and smell the flowers time (AFTER the Allegra).  ;-)

Monday, April 18, 2011

One of those saturdays

Another weekend officially under my belt.  This one felt better all around, even though I wasn't a social butterfly quite yet.

I did the MS Walk on Saturday morning.  It rained for the entire duration of the walk, which luckily was  a short one.  I still enjoyed it, though, as the exercise was good, the company of some coworkers was nice, and it was lovely to be out in the world doing something for a worthy cause.  I definitely need to look more into volunteering because it's a great way to fill some spare time in a smart way.

I came home and took a hot shower to warm up, then cozied up to the Starbucks coffee I'd picked up on the way home.  There was actually a lull in the rain for an hour or two, but it came back with full enthusiasm later on in the afternoon.  It was a great day to catch up on DVR, take a little nap and just relax.

Eventually the thunder and lightning joined the rain, and that made me happy.  I love a good thunderstorm more than just about anything, and this wasn't a usual DC teaser of a storm.  It actually stuck around for a couple of hours, and I loved watching the flashes of lightning through my blinds and hearing the low, long rumbles of thunder.  Best soundtrack ever.  :-)

Of course, all good things must come to an end, and as the rain wound down, my migraine wound up.  I ended my night crawling into bed with a pounding headache.  It hurt.  A lot.  I've found that late night migraines like that don't respond to my RX migraine med, so I usually take a good dose of Tylenol, but I was out of that.  I finally ended up in bed with a PILE of pills.  I had my daily multivitamin, a couple other vitamins, three of the herbal allergy pills from my acupuncturist, 2 Excedrin and 1/2 of another pill from my pill bottle.  I'm not even sure if it was half of a pain pill or half of a muscle relaxer.  :-/  I really didn't give a damn at that point.  I took them all, feeling like a weirdo junky even if most of the pills were vitamins, and went to sleep with 2 ice packs and a lot of pain.

I woke up at a few points overnight, feeling like I'd slept forever, always pleasantly surprised that I got to sleep more.  When I finally got up at 10 (save for the doggy bathroom break at 7), I was migraine free and felt pretty good.  Thank god.  It was one of those migraines that I was desperate to get rid of, as it was a true pounder, making me crazy light and sound sensitive.  Not fun!

Today I got my sofa table from the furniture store finally.  I had to open the box and bring it in in two trips because the box was too heavy on its own, but I got it in, and I got it assembled and in place.  I Felt pretty good about myself even though it was a really easy table.  I'll take the victories, however small they may be!

My mood has been better this weekend.  I was more productive this weekend (lots of errands aside from noted things, plus apartment cleaning type things).  Next weekend looks fairly busy thusfar, which I think I'm ready for, or will be, anyway.  The wheels are turning in my life again, and hopefully I will begin to feel some forward motion.  I've been walking in place for too long, and I need to stretch my limits and start going out of my comfort zone again, rejoining the world a little at a time.

Slow and steady wins the race, right?  I'm on my way!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Acting Hard's Been Tough

How do you escape when you can't afford a real escape? 

Tonight I'm doing it by playing my favorite song on a loop with headphones on, the volume set to levels that any Dr. would scold me for.  Sure, I'm probably accelerating my journey to hearing loss road, but right now, it's the only place I can go to get away.

My mind is a crowded place.  I swear I race from one extreme to another and another all within an hour sometimes.  I spent so much time laughing today, which felt amazing.  I was linked to a couple of websites that just got me, and it was nice.  Lots of things made me laugh in the little moments today.  So you'd think that would make today a pretty good day, right?

Somehow, still no.  A day 3/4 full of laughter but wrapped up with a bow of crying for ten minutes suddenly feels so much darker than it did before.  Why do the few negative minutes outweigh the handfuls of good ones? 

I was angry today, too.  Really, frighteningly angry.  The kind where I needed an outlet so desperately that I wrote it all down, and there were lots of curse words, lots of bold proclamations, with an overall tone of "screw it all".  Yes, it was therapeutic.  Of course, it was way over the top.  I figure that's okay, though, as it was just for me, and it's better to have that out of my mind than racing around in there.

For right now, the music is the escape.  Maybe sleeping with the windows open.  Getting through friday to earn my weekend.  Rest assured that while there will be some down time, this will NOT be a repeat of last weekend.  I don't think I need a weekend that quiet again for a very long time!  However, definitely time to start easing my way back into the world.

Things may be frustrating me right now, but I was thinking earlier, in the aftermath of my anger attack, that maybe this is just part of the process.  My mom pointed out to me not too long ago that losing a relationship can trigger a cycle not unlike the 5 stages of grief.  This is pretty true.

I'm crossing my fingers that this is that middle time, where you feel like you're moving backwards instead of forward, and like the progress you've made is at risk.  You feel like you may not be able to make your way through this, and you want to just give in to the lethargy. But maybe this is just a test before the turning point.  Maybe. 

All I can do is hope for a bit of a clearing ahead.  Maybe it lurks on the horizon for tomorrow, or this weekend. 

Time to begin the complicated night ending rituals of my home, letting Mercy out, feeding the cats, covering the couches, taking the vitamins, all that jazz.  Hopefully ten minutes from now I'll be tucked into bed with a little breeze coming in through the window, and a mind winding down for the day. 

Acting hard's been tough, or so say the lyrics in one of my favorite songs to listen to at perilous volumes (though not the one mentioned before).  I hope that eventually one day the pretense of acting okay will transition back into legitimately being okay.  Work in progress, I suppose. 

Good night!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Pitfalls and Victories of Singlehood

I’m going to be honest here and admit that in the grand scheme of things, I don’t have a ton of experience being single.  I was single until I was 19 years old, having never gone on more than one date in my life.  While that guy was lovely and intriguing, he never qualified as a boyfriend.  I started dating the man who would eventually become my husband 5 days before I turned 19, and the next ten years or so of my life were spent in that relationship.  

Once my marriage dissolved like sands through the hourglass  (so are the days of our lives!?!), I was single for 4-5 months before I began dating someone new.  Yup, that was fast.  It wasn’t something I intended, it just happened, and my ex-H pushed me into M’s arms, telling me that since he couldn’t give me what I needed, to be with someone who could.  Okey dokey.  I subsequently spent the next 13 months in that relationship.

When that one ended, I set a new personal (but dubious) record for myself by beginning a new relationship with my current ex within that same month.  Oof.  As noted previously, that relationship lasted just short of two years (hooray for the passage of the nonaversary yesterday!).  If you’re keeping track, that means that I’ve now been single again for about 2 weeks.  

So I’m not going to lie and pretend I am some professional singleton with years of experience under my belt.  Instead, I seem to be more of a relationship junkie, and I’ve spent the bulk of my adult life in one or another.  Each of my relationships had their good times and bad times, some more than others, but the one constant I had throughout the duration of each?  Companionship.  Even when other parts of the machine weren’t clicking so well, I always had someone around.  I got used to it.  Spoiled by it.  

It’s always interesting to re-adjust to being on my own.  And by interesting, I mean that it sucks.  Yes, I can survive on my own.  Learned that one the hard way when my marriage went kaput and I was suddenly on my own for the first time in my adult life.  I realized how shockingly out of touch I was with the day to day operations of life, and I was embarrassed to face the realities created by that ignorance.  I had only limited awareness of our financial situation.  I rarely paid the bills myself.  I’d never taken care of car insurance or taxes on my own, nor even things like car inspections and registration.  I was lost.

I had to learn on the go, trying to subvert my shame over my ignorance and instead focusing on doing better.  I figured out where the finances stood.  I started paying my own bills.  I got my car insurance in only my name, and bought a car on my own, too.  Just my name on that registration, thank you.  Just my credit there to get the deal done.  I learned to deal with the every day things in life that I’d never had to before, and it was good for me.  I began to feel strong and competent instead of just being a passenger in my own life.  

Those things were easy enough to figure out once I realized I had to do it.  I’ve always been good at the practicalities, the things I can list out and cross off as I’m done.  I’m super organized and methodical, and this suited my new responsibilities well.  It was the rest of it that took time to get used to.

The rest of what?  Anyone who knows me at all knows that I’ve suffered from debilitating migraines since I was very young.  They’ve plagued me for as long as I can remember, and I’ve tried many different drugs as well as acupuncture to get them under control.  I get fewer of them now, and am more aware of my triggers and the best treatments, but the reality is that they are a part of who I am, and something I will deal with for the rest of my life.

The point of that disclosure is this:  A migraine attack, when suffered alone?  Pretty damn awful.  Sometimes it hurts so badly that the idea of moving, even shifting position in bed or on the couch, is unfathomable.  The light hurts my eyes.  Sounds become magnified, and the silence is never heavy enough.  I need my migraine pill, I need ice packs, sometimes I need a hot shower or bath, or a cold cloth on my head.  

When no one else is there, I have to take care of myself even though every fiber of my being is screaming at me to stay put.  I have to get up and fight the nausea and throbbing pain.  And beyond just self-care, I have to take care of my dog and cats.  My migraine doesn’t stop them from being hungry, and it doesn’t stop the dog from needing to go outside for a bathroom break.  I end up staggering outside looking like hell, covering my eyes, keeping them cast downward, trying not to be sick, trying not to make contact with anyone.  

The guilt of ignoring the animals and giving them only the bare minimum of attention is just another weight on my shoulders, a new reason for the already seizing pain in my neck to worsen.  I am a bad animal mom when I have those headaches, and there is not a single thing I can do except apologize to them for my lacking.

I try hard not to feel sorry for myself, but it’s difficult.  I have too many memories of my exes helping me out, taking care of me, taking care of my animals.  Boyfriends who walked my dog for me when I couldn’t, fed them when I couldn’t.  The ones who would cater to me like the best Dr. in the world, bringing me meds when I needed them, food or drink when I needed it, making me eat or drink even if I didn’t want to.  Turning the lights off for me, staying with me if I needed it, but leaving if I didn’t.  Drawing me baths, warming towels for me for when I got out.  Covering me with blankets, folding me into the arms of someone who gives a damn.

At home now when I’m feeling sick, or tired, or suffering from a migraine, there are no warm towels.  There is just me, doing the best I can for myself, and my animals, doing the best they can to either cheer me up or be near me when I’m uncheerable.  I am eternally grateful for their presence in those bad times and in the good.  I can’t say enough how much they boost me when I’m down, and comfort me in general.

That’s the major downfall of singlehood for me.  There are others, of course-there’s never a nice dinner waiting for me when I get home after a long day.  There are no surprise flowers at my office, no one to bring me a coffee or something I like from the store on a whim.  There’s no one to run an errand for me when I can’t do it, no one to let the dog out if I’m not there.  But in comparison, I guess these things just pale to the rest.  Small potatoes, I suppose.

Don’t get me wrong, I do recognize that there are perks to flying solo, too.  If I don’t feel like cooking a real dinner, I don’t have to.  I can have cereal, or popcorn, or leftovers.  If I just want chicken, chicken it is.  No sense of obligation to prepare a starch and a veggie if I don’t want it.  And the messes are just mine.  No rinsed dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher unless I give in to such laziness.  No hair from a razor in my bathroom sink.  I can watch whatever garbage TV I want and there is no one there to give me grief for it.  

These are all good things.  These are all things I take note of when I am single, things I remind myself of when I’m feeling blue.  I don’t have any desire to spend vast quantities of time feeling sorry for myself.  Things are what they are, and I am perfectly capable of surviving on my own, even for periods longer than a month or four.  

Say what you want about singlehood, but the few times I have been there, I’ve felt really good about myself.  I feel independent, self-sufficient and strong.  I am reminded of how awesome I really am, when sometimes I’ve forgotten, especially when a relationship is in a slow spiral downwards.  It’s too easy to lose that sense of self and feel directionless.  Being on my own always corrects my path, and each time I do it, I think I become a bit of a better person for it.  

I may be a relationship junkie.  This is true, and I can’t even try to deny it.  I do believe I am built for commitment, I thrive in it, and I have so much to give that I truly feel like I am amazing at it.  Maybe my track record doesn’t indicate it, but I don’t really feel like my three relationships speak of any failure on my part.  They didn’t work out for whatever reason, but the one true thing is that I’ve come out of every single one of them knowing that I did everything I could to make it work, and that I gave 110%.  

However, all that being said, the best relationship I have, the most longstanding one to date (save for my acupuncturist, whom I recently told a friend is my current longest relationship!) is the one I have with me.  I may slack on taking care of myself sometimes.  I may shortchange the attention deserved, or get pulled off track every now and again.  I may be overly critical, I may willfully disregard all of my own best logic.  But at the end of the day, I am the one who is always, always there for me.  

I pick myself up and dust myself off after life’s little letdowns, and it’s big ones.  I put the pieces back together after a breakup.  I learn through trial and error what’s good for me and what isn’t, and I allow myself those mistakes along the way without beating myself up for it.  I take care of me.  

Sure, it would be nice to have someone to take care of me when I’m sick, or to walk the dog when I’m exhausted.  I would be lying if I denied that.  Support and companionship is invaluable in life, and things are better when you have it.  Yet that doesn’t change the fact that even when the chips are down, the waters are muddied, the clouds are heavy, and all those other life cliches, I do what I need to do.  It may hurt while I do it, it may feel like the most amazing burden to carry, but the next day, when the chips are in play again, the waters have cleared and the clouds have parted, it feels really damn good to know I got through it.

Single or not, I am me... hear me roar.  :-)

And then it was tuesday

Such a long monday, I'm glad it's been retired and we're onto Tuesday.  My dog woke me up about 15 minutes before my alarm today, which is always a bummer.  I value that additional 15 minutes!  Work was frustrating in its own way, and I learned that I have a full day training session on Monday for some IT upgrades being implemented.  Something to look forward to?  I think not, but I will surely survive.

On the upside, the weather was gorgeous today.  I brought my lunch and took it to the rooftop deck to eat and read.  I came back and later realized I had a souvenir sunburn on the back of my neck and my right forearm.  Brilliant!  :-)  Note to self:  Keep some sunblock at work!  It was worth it to spend 45 minutes outside in the sun and the warm breeze.

I had acupuncture at 7pm tonight.  As usual, S did the pre-appt. consult and asked about how I'd been feeling since my last appt. session a month ago. I told her I'd had more migraines and little headaches than usual, which is not abnormal during peak allergy season like it is now.  I also told her that I'd been having a hard time focusing in general, that my mind was racing a lot, and asked for some stress and clarity of mind type needles.

All the needles that usually "jump" or bother me didn't bother me at all, and all the ones that normally feel like nothing felt like something (for the record, the jumpers are the ones in my legs, and the non-jumpers are generally the ears and sinuses).  During the consult she'd asked me how things were with my boyfriend, as she knew things were rocky last time around, and I had to cop to the breakup again.  I felt a little emotional, and my silly voice cracked a couple of times when answering her questions.

Almost immediately after she left the room, I felt the tears well up.  They spilled down my face instantly, and I probably cried for a good 5-10 minutes.  I've done this before during sessions, so it wasn't too surprising, and especially in light of all the stress I've had lately.  But I also think that the stress needles opened up some emotional channels that were ready to blow, and out came the tears.  For the record?  Crying while you're laying on your back, with needles in your temples, forehead, either side of your nose, your neck, your's an interesting experience. 

Once the tears died down I felt so much better.  I guess I'd needed the release.  I spent the rest of the appt. intensely relaxed.  Upon leaving I felt so tired and spent and couldn't stop yawning.  I hope to sleep well tonight.

So I didn't actually ask for the heartbreak needles, but I think I got them.  I hope they do their magic and help clear my racing mind a little bit.  I may not be going to the gym much these days, but if emotional exercise counted for anything I'd be in Olympic athlete shape.  I feel like my body is carrying around my emotional baggage, and I know I need to take better care of it all.  The stress and anxiety tighten my shoulders, tense my back, strain my neck.  My head aches for this reason or that, and I'm tired and tetchy from allergies and everything else.  I need a mental break.

The best thing I can say about today in its entirety is that I survived.  The non-aversary has passed, and it is one more tiny roadblock I have moved past.  Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day.  :-)

Monday, April 11, 2011

Monday, Monday

I bought a George Foreman grill yesterday.  I have no private outdoor space at this apartment, so the gas grill I own is useless.  It currently resides with my ex and hopefully he will get some good use out of it since I can't.  In the meantime, though, I am deprived of the yummy goodness of grilled food.

I harbor no illusions that the Foreman grill is a true substitute.  I know differently.  I've owned these grills before, and at best they are a sad replacement for the real thing.  However, I figure it will give me a bit more variety for cooking, and burgers and hot dogs will taste better from that than any other options I have.  I plan to have a burger tonight or tomorrow to break the old Foreman grill in.

Things about blogger I've noticed:
When I press Enter, the damn cursor does not go to the next line.  It actually seems to jump to the first line of the current paragraph which is COMPLETELY USELESS.  Thoughts?

Also, I can't reply to comments.  I was warned about that in advance, but it remains sad.  Blogger should fix that!  I feel like I'm leaving people hanging on their comments because I'm so used to replying to them in Livejournal.  I'm not ignoring you, friends!  I just can't reply.  Do I have to comment on my own post to reply?  Hmm.

[This enter key malfunction is pissing me off.]

I brought in leftover homemade waffle for breakfast today, along with a turkey sandwich, some strawberries and an orange.  I also have some Strawberry Banana greek yogurt in the fridge.  Oh, the options.  Still trying to save money until payday on Friday.  This has been the world's longest pay period!  Methinks I will never feel financially flush because there is always some random expense to take a chunk of my pay.  The doggle is running low on dog food, so I'll have to order another one of those gold laden bags.  Nothing like paying $95 for 6 weeks of dog food.  :-o

I really want to write this week.  I am hoping my focus is gradually returning because lacking the attention span to even read an issue of Entertainment Weekly is really grating on my nerves.  There is more to the world than reruns of Law & Order: SVU and old episodes of Sex & the City on cable.  I think this weekend of solitude may have reminded me that the world is still out there, and eventually I'm going to have to rejoin it.  Alone time is a good thing in the right doses, but if you overdo it you aren't doing anyone any favors!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

This is not a breakup blog

I truly have no intention of this being a breakup blog, or even a relationship blog.  But for right now, there might be some breakup blathering just because that's where I'm at in my life right now.  However, I do promise not to dwell too often in emo land.  :-)

Tomorrow would have been my 2 year dating anniversary with my ex.  Yay? I guess it's not an anniversary anymore if you're broken up, but I'm a dates person and these things tend to stick in my mind.  My sole plans for tomorrow aside from work are for an acupunture appt.  Nothing says "Let's commemorate what once was" like getting needles stuck in your body for an hour.  I wonder if my acupuncturist has a heartbreak needle?  She seems to have one for everything else!

I am currently sitting in my living room with all of the windows open, the last of the daylight filtering into the room.  The animals are all scattered in various spots of light, enjoying the scene.  I'm listening to the sounds of various birds chattering and chirping and it's pretty damn peaceful in here.  It's times like this, even after a long, too quiet weekend, where I can remember how nice it is to be on my own.  I always try to appreciate the small things, even when immersed in my own relationship soap operas.

This is the second breakup I've gone through in the spring.  In some ways that's sad, but ultimately I think it's a good thing.  We're leaving winter behind, moving onto new things, everything is brightening and warming up, and spring just feels like a new beginning.  That's exactly what I need.

Regardless of what happens with my relationship with my ex....whether there is some miraculous reconciliation, or if we decide to part ways for good, spring looms.  I will be okay.  There will be thunderstorms, and this will make me brilliantly happy, and there will be flowers and miniature golf and outdoor lunches and light jackets.  There will be nights like this one, with my windows open, my beloved furkids around me, where I will sit in the quiet of it all and appreciate all the good things I still have.  :-)

Nerves are abuzz

You know what's slightly nervewracking?  Sending out the link to your barely born blog to people you know, like and respect.  :-)

I guess if this is truly to be a more open forum than LJ it would help if people knew about it, so there you go.  I may let more people in on the "secret" as I go, but at least I'm working to establish a starter group of readers.

Also?  My bedroom is definitely the plainest room of my apartment.  I have only one tiny painting hung on the walls, and beyond that, 3 totally bare walls.  Depressing!  This room definitely needs some TLC when I can afford it.  I'm still waiting to receive my backordered sofa table for the living room, so I guess I need to just do one thing at a time!

RSVPed for a meetup in a couple of weeks for Cosmic Bowling.  I have had the most random urge to go bowling for so long, and now I may finally get to indulge it!  The only problem is that it's the same night as a concert I'd like to go to.  I'll sort that out when it gets closer, as the performer, a local guy named Shane Gamble, is also having a concert the following weekend, but that one is somewhere in Maryland as opposed to Arlington, and I am so crazy unfamiliar with Maryland that it's frightening.

Speaking of concerts, still so excited about the Mumford & Sons tix I bought for June.  I wonder who the lucky recipient of ticket #2 will be!  I know it's probably a little crazy to buy 2 tix, but I just really want to see this show, and I just wanted to be sure I got to go!  Who's up for it????  :-)

On that note, I should try to start unwinding instead of amping up my mind further.  I wanted to get a lot of R&R this weekend, so I'm going to wrap up my saturday night party with some Degrassi.  YOU KNOW YOU LOVE CANADIAN TEEN MELODRAMAS!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Breakup Blues

In the wake of a pretty serious breakup two weeks ago, I set aside this weekend as a sort of self-imposed exile from the world.  My brother visited last weekend, so in addition to playing hostess in my smallish (but adorable) apartment, I also spent more money than usual, so this weekend's designation was partially financially motivated, too.  However, I mostly just felt that I needed some time to process things.

Immediately after the breakup, I was devastated, but more in a shocked kind of way.  The following day I was fairly numb to all of it, and that weekend I ended up feeling ragey due to an ill-advised text encounter with the ex, initiated by him.  I stayed in the angry place for a couple of days before settling into the "distract, distract, ignore" phase.  I focused on preparing for my company's arrival, work, anything to keep my mind off of the end of this relationship I'd put everything I had into for nearly 2 years.

Anyway, at some point after my brother left on Monday, I lapsed into a new post-breakup phase:  indisputable sadness.  I've been a weepy, annoying mess, and I've barely had the motivation to do anything.  I came home every evening, took care of my dog and cats because I had to, and that was it.  No writing.  No reading.  No errands.  No friends.  Just me and my sorrow.

I decided that since I was finally processing things, I would give myself this weekend to wallow.  Think about things when they popped in my head, but also just zone out a lot.  Watch some DVR, some Sex and the City DVDs.  Sleep.  Relax.  Be on my own.

This is all fine and dandy except that I woke up at 7 am this morning.  Do you know how long this day has felt???  By noon I was bored as hell.  Felt like it should be evening, but it wasn't even close.  I've watched a movie, 2 parts of a miniseries on HBO, random other TV.  I took a bath, thought about reading the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, but decided against it.  I cleaned the tub after exiting it, and in a huge fit of motivation, put on a pair of jeans in lieu of my pajama pants.

This afternoon I finally decided I needed to get out for a bit, so I went on a mission.  It was a sad mission...the mission of a recently single, lonely, possibly pathetic person.  I went to find one of the new Ben & Jerry ice cream flavors I'd been wanting to try:  Late Night Snack.  Well, it took two Safeways, but I found it.  Truth be told?  Not that impressed.  What a waste!

I also picked up some strawberries.  First ones I've seen this season that looked fat and juicy.  Score.  So that was it.  My big outing for the day was to look for a pint of overpriced ice cream.  How sad is that?

Home is lonely right now.  I've gotten more used to being here alone, but it's still hard on the weekends, especially ones like this where I'm  No one visits here.  Most people I know haven't even been here yet.  No one could drop in even if they wanted to, and of course, no one wants to right now.

My phone nearly never rings.  I miss hearing my ringer.  It's a song I love, the ringer the exact portion of the song I love most edited into a short tune.  It makes me happy to hear my phone ring, though I am mostly working on the memory of that feeling since I've not experienced it in so long. Honestly, it doesn't even sound to alert me to email or texts or IMs so much either.  My social world has shrunk drastically, and it makes my world a quiet one.

Thank god for my dog and cats, I can't imagine not having their company.  I would probably have some sort of a breakdown.  Go insane.  Seeing people moving in the yellow wallpaper I don't have.  Scritch scritch.

Next weekend there will be no exile. I will definitely find things to do because another weekend like this?  Might drive me mad.

Tomorrow should be better.  Hopefully warmer weather.  Maybe I can play outside more.  Longer walk for Mercy.  Read outside.  Something.  There has to be more than this.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Bloggity Blog Blog

I have to say, this whole blogging thing feels a lot different than good old Livejournal.  For one, this site works, YAY!  However, I remain accustomed to the idea of LJ cuts and other such habits, so I'm working to re-train my brain.

I had a good time finding a nice template for the blog.  Had a Super Mario one rocking for a few moments, which made me happy, but I ultimately felt it wasn't the right vibe for me.  I wanted something springy and happy.  Perhaps I am hoping that if it is pretty enough the words will emerge without the usual coaxing? 

Now, I'm not sure if it's just my computer or if it's the universe, but I've had a hell of a time getting a lot of sites to work this morning.  Twitter, Livejournal, various blogs I read.  It's made me feel a bit paranoid that there is something wrong with this computer, though it's probably unlikely.  It's just amazing how attached I get to all of these websites and social media forums and how panicky I feel when they fail me!  I AM ENTITLED TO THE TWITTER GENIUS OF SNOOKI, YO.

I worry that I am not witty enough to helm a blog.  I'm used to the privacy of Livejournal, and I'm not sure what I'll be willing or able to bring to the table in a less shuttered environment.  I suppose only time will tell!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Testing the waters

I am testing the waters of the blogging world.  I've been on livejournal for years and years, but lately the performance has left a lot to be desired.  The site is down for hours at a time and it's just frustrating me.  I'm looking to find a new alternative to LJ, and just wondering what exactly will be the best outlet for my rambling!