Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Blair Witch in the Office Project

Happy Halloween!  I'm not dressed up in some festive costume this year, but I still feel the Halloween spirit.  :-)  I'm dressed in black, gray and white, and I have lovely black fingernails (which I kind of love), and a couple of little Halloween stickers to brighten things up. 

I saw a couple of people dressed up on my morning commute, which was fun.  :-)  Lots of black and orange around the office, which is spirited.  I roasted my pumpkin seeds last night, and ate far too many of them.  I watched "American Horror Story: Coven", which was creepy as always. 

Tonight I'm having dinner with a girlfriend who's in town for work for a couple of days.  After dinner I'm going home, going to the gym, and then coming back to my apartment to try to be brave enough to watch at least one scary movie before bed.  I'm going to save "It's the Great Pumpkin" to watch after the movie, as a happy palate cleanser.  ;-)

Our Halloween Parade at work is actually tomorrow, so it will extend the fun! Everyone gets to bring their kids to trick or treat around the office, and then the kids join in on our pizza at the end of the day, along with extra sugar in the form of cookies and things.  It's always a cute event, so I'm looking forward to it!

I'm sore already from my trainer last night.  We also talked about all of his new changes, and it's actually not quite what I thought it was.  I will likely stick it out with him, as I will now get more sessions, more reliably for the same cost as before, just allocated differently.  We'll see how it all shakes out in January when the sessions I already have run out.  I know I will dread seeing him 2-3 times a week instead of 1-2, but ultimately I know it will be good for me once I get into that again.

I feel cute again today.  I can't say enough how much I dig the black nail polish.  It's an unforgiving color to do a home manicure with, and there were lots of fixes to be made with the polish remover pen, but in the end it looks kind of cool.  Go figure! 

I'm still not committing to any new dates really the last few days.  It's all good, I'll do it when I feel like it.  :-)  There are lots of fun things coming up in the next several days, so I have enough to think about.  Tomorrow night is happy hour with a couple friends and then the DC Improv for a comedy show with a big old group of friends.  Tomorrow also marks the first day of Nanowrimo, aka National Novel Writing Month, which I make varying levels of effort at doing each year.  :-) 

Ready for my weekend!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Insert Upbeat Song Montage Here

Three in a row.

Three days in a row now of feeling awesome.

I've been making a particular effort to look put together this week after last week's miseries, and I've felt good each day because of it.  From outfit to hair to accessories, it's all worked, and people have noticed and complimented my stepped up efforts.

Even though day two had a setback in the form of an Artboy confrontation via IM.  Even though I cried for a minute, and felt frustrated and hurt and disillusioned.  I picked all the pieces back up and I had a good day.  And an awesome night. 

I bought two cute new shirts that I will be wearing Thursday and Friday, respectively.  I got a new Revlon Colorstay polish in a dashing black called "Stiletto", which I will be donning tonight.  I did laundry, I went to the gym and to the store for a few things, I carved my pumpkin. 

I've spent the last two days making up for lost time from the last week in terms of productivity.  I'm impressed with myself, and I feel good.

Two nights ago I came home from the gym, I put on my headphones, hooked my ipod on, and I danced around my apartment with ridiculous abandon.  It was fantastic and joyful and refreshing. 

Last night when I drove around for my errands, I blared the same song, feeling the weight of the day lift off my shoulders.  The day's earlier daggers fell away, and I felt strong and good again. 

Today I feel awesome.  I can't wait to get home so I can go to my training session, then come home and do my nails, vacuum my apartment, roast my pumpkin seeds, catch up on DVR.  And just maybe, I will have another musical montage moment in my apartment.  Like Angela Chase from My So-Called Life in the episode where she wakes up and feels free of Jordan Catalano, and dances around to "Blister in the Sun", so shall I dance around to my montage moment song, which builds up to just the right crescendo, and whose lyrics just WORK for me right now.

What's funny is that I originally misunderstood the lyrics.  I thought she was singing, "I feel incapable of seeing the end, I feel incapable of saying its over..."  After watching a few youtube videos of the band performing the song, I realized my error...and I kind of love the real lyrics more.

"I'm feeling capable of seeing the end, I'm feeling capable of saying it's over...."- From "tether" by Chvrches

The more I spin around to this song, the more I erase him from my list of what matters.  The stronger and better I feel.  The more I appreciate how good it feels to FEEL GOOD in general, all man related things aside, and how the little, petty things slide off like they don't even matter when you're in the right place.  Dance, dance, dance.  :-)

Monday, October 28, 2013

the (un)brave one

So I managed to get to my haunted forest on Friday night.  Everyone bailed except for my ex-H.  I think he might have bailed otherwise, but I vented at him my vast frustration with all the flaky people who had bailed originally, and I think I scared him into staying in.  ;-)  We made the hour long drive out to nowhere, Maryland and ate at one of the three designated restaurants where you could get a fast pass.  It was kitschy, but the food was actually good!  I will admit that the fast pass made the haunted forest experience absurdly fast.  I'm the type who likes to enjoy the atmosphere, wander around, take in the giant bonfire.  Ex is more of the do what we came here for and get out type.  Since he was driving, since he paid for everything, I let things go that way.  Ultimately, I was just happy to go!  It was a great scare, perfect weather, and a good meal to boot.

Ex and his gf of the last few months broke up Saturday.  It was too bad because I really liked her for him.  Guess it just didn't work out.  On the upside, we're now talking again about going to Kansas City for a Chiefs game this November.  Hopefully it will come to fruition.  I know it's weird, but we're just really good friends, and since we're both single we are not held back by the insecurity of others, and we can just hang out.  It's kind of nice!  Sometimes I do think it's sad that a) I don't have that kind of attraction to him anymore and b) I could never trust him on that level again.  But I don't and I can't, so it will just stay a good friendship.  :-)

Saturday started out not great.  I'd been up late the night before, so it was a chore to get up for my 9 am session with my trainer.  Showed up, texted him I was there....only to have him text me and tell me that I wasn't scheduled until 11, and the training calendar had been wrong.  I was PISSED.  I went back home, but couldn't even snag more sleep because I had a chiro appt. at 11. 

Turns out he also sent an email this weekend saying that there will be no more sales on training packages, and no more re-sign deals.  Apparently he is overtaxed with clients and is using this pricing change to whittle down his client list.  I've talked about being done with him before, but this pretty much seals it.  I've only seen him for as long as I have because of his reasonable prices.  If he goes up to what everyone else is charging, he's pricing me out.  I have 20 sessions left prepaid, but after that I think my time with him will be over.  I'm going to spend those 20 sessions paying closer attention to what we do, the weights he has me using, the number of reps.  Must prepare for being on my own again, and must find a way to get over my gymtimidation with regards to the weights section at the gym.

I have yet to watch any of my scary movies, and I'm beginning to feel crunched for time.  All of these migraines lately are really screwing me over in terms of productivity time and relaxation time.  I feel good so far today, so tonight I have to go get gas, get to the store for a couple of things, including pumpkin #2, and get to the gym FINALLY.  I haven't been in days between being busy Friday and having migraines every other damn day.  My problem with the scary movies is that I need to watch them early enough that I can watch something happy after.

I feel like I have a lot to do....various errands, cleaning up my apartment (another thing that languished due to migraines), getting to the gym/working out and getting all of my Halloween things done in time.  I don't want to feel rushed!  I'm also trying to figure out this KC trip and juggle a bunch of work things as well.  So much going on.

Nothing new on the dating front.  Talking to some people, blocked another one this weekend.  I read his message on my phone, checked his profile on my phone super briefly.  Was going to reply when I got to a computer.  Before I even had a chance, he emailed me and asked why so many women viewed his profile, but didn't reply, and asked if he was ugly.  I tried to be nice and explain why I personally hadn't replied yet, and also that often times people just didn't like you back on these sites, and that it happened to me all the time, and not to take it personally.  He wrote back and told me that I was giving him attitude like everyone else, and it  was discouraging, wah wah wah.  I wrote back and told him he was coming off desperate and insecure.  I made sure he had time to read it, then blocked him.  What an insecure brat!  I try to be nice to these people....

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

Right now, I cannot deal with you.  

I hate the neighbors from my building who are standing outside my window smoking, causing their disgusting cancer smoke to wind its way into my apartment.

I hate the neighbors above me who have spent the bulk of the weekend smoking skunky smelling pot upstairs, which is winding its way into the hallways of our building and through the bathroom vent in my apartment.

I hate the neighbors to my side, who last night spent upwards of four hours using up both of the washers repeatedly so I was left to start my laundry at 12:30 am.

I hate my insurance company for dictating how many migraine pills I'm allowed a month (6) and making me pay a higher co-pay for those 6 pills because it's a non preferred drug.  I have ONE migraine pill left until November 11, unless I want to pay $45 for a single pill again, which I will probably have to, at least once, if not more.

I love October, and I love fall...but I hate the allergies they bring with them.  I hate that those allergies trigger insanely awful migraines for me, day after day after day.  I hate that I have felt like shit for a good portion of most of the days of the last week because of it.  I am tired of my head hurting, my neck hurting.  I am tired of feeling too lousy to get to the gym, too lousy to clean my apartment, or to get my errands done.  I don't want to spend any more time in my dark apartment, fearing the blaze of any light or loud sounds.  I want to feel better.

I need a break here.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Waffles are for breakfast, people

Sometimes I get so frustrated by people and their waffling, non-committal ways.  For a couple of weeks now, I've had plans to go to Markoff's Haunted Forest tonight with my ex-H and some of his friends. Weird, I know, but we did it a couple of years ago and it was fine.  So earlier this week I check in about it, and his friends are not committing, saying it may be too cold.  I decide to look for backup just in case, and invite a friend.  She says she definitely wants to go, and we talk about inviting others.

So today I check in with ex-H and he says he doesn't think his people want to go, but he may still be interested.  My friend is all, "I want to go, but it's going to be really crowded, but I want to go."  Then changes the subject to something else, leaving me wondering...WTF?

This drives me up a wall.  Seriously!  It's Friday after 11am, and people can't commit to plans for tonight?  I IMed my ex-H and told him that basically I'm not going to rely on any of my friends going, and that if he's up for going, we should just plan on that.  If anyone else does decide to go, fine, but if not, it wouldn't change our plan.  I'm annoyed because this is something I'm really looking forward to doing, and right now it's back on the "possible" burner because NO ONE WILL COMMIT.

End rant.

Last night I got another stupid migraine and went to bed early.  I did that AFTER talking to the Smoker.  Basically I told him that if he's not interested in quitting or anything, and is just an "I am what I am" smoker, I can't do it.  He was very understanding, and in retrospect, I'm glad I chose this route.  He's clearly not interested in negotiating on the smoking, and while I respect his honesty, I was also disappointed.  Most people I know who still smoke at least have a desire to stop...he doesn't seem to have that.  That makes him a poor match for me, in spite of whatever else we may have in common.

Woke up this morning feeling pretty well rested, which was nice.  A handful of Ibuprofen and Benadryl at bedtime will do that to you!  I'm meeting the CFO of my old firm for lunch today.  We're still friends and it's been awhile since we caught up, so that should be fun.  It's also Happy Minute Friday, and today is the good pizza.  :-)  Oh, it's the small pleasures, I tell you.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Chex Mix > Dating

October is my favorite month.  It's autumn, it's football and hoodies and pumpkins and haunted things and hot chocolate.  This October, as it turns out, has also been unreasonable deadlines, grumpy/difficult/challenging/obnoxious people and frustration.  Thank god for acupuncture on Monday that decompressed me in a major way, and thank god for the chiro appt. I have Saturday morning to do more of the job.

I've been so drained from work lately, it's crazy.  It's been a weird distraction from the rest of my life, which is just a thing floating by me in the hours I'm not at work or thinking about work.  I went on a coffee date last night, it was not bad.  I've been talking to another guy for a couple of weeks and thought he was really promising, in spite of him being 5 years my junior (!!!), but then I found out he smokes, so I'm torn.  Another guy I've "known" online for 2-3 months now and cannot get the motivation to meet.  We were supposed to go out tonight, but I'm opting out.  I need a nap, and the gym, and a warm dinner ALONE.

Tomorrow night I'm planning to go to a haunted forest with some people, so that should be a good time.  However, I think I'm most looking forward to the rest of the weekend.  Sleeping, chiro, trainer/gym, scary movies, buying my pumpkins, maybe baking up some chex mix, watching all kinds of football.  Yes, please!

I just feel like I need a couple of days where no one is demanding anything of me, or expecting anything of me, where I can just do my thing and not be questioned about it.  I know the 2nd guy (smoker) wants to meet, but I just can't decide if it's even worth it.  I cannot possibly describe how much I loathe smoking, and how truly offensive it is to kiss a smoker for me, and how I absolutely will not do it.  But why does this guy have to be the nicest, sweetest, most sincere one?  Bah.  Smoking has always been a dealbreaker for me, so I'm mostly annoyed with myself for missing it on his profile when we first started talking. 

Meanwhile, I'm a magnet for guys I've already told I'm not interested in dating...they just KEEP.COMING.BACK.  Last night a guy I've turned down twice already contacted me again to ask me out.  He got all weird when I AGAIN said no.  I've been trying to be nice about it because we met  through friends, and we have seen each other at various events and gatherings, and this will continue to happen, but DAMN.  How many times do I have to turn you down before you get it?  Sigh.

See?  This is why I look forward to chex mix more than I do to a date.  :-)

Thursday, October 17, 2013


I'm still here.  I'm still reading.  I'm also buried under an enormous pile of work, and insanely stressed out, and frustrated.  This, however, makes me laugh, so I will share it.  AND IT'S TRUE! :-)

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Average at Best

So I went back to online dating very recently.  And this happened this morning.

A guy apparently messaged me this week. I didn't reply.  I've had a ton of messages, I've honestly not gotten around to replying to all of them.

So this morning I get a second message from one of them. "Too cool to reply?"

I looked at his profile and realized why I hadn't responded to him.  Among one of the things he was looking for was casual sex.  I don't engage with people looking for casual sex because it's just not the kind of person I'm looking for right now.  I explained this all to him very nicely.

What do I get in return?

It's because I am a black man. Period. I just wish you DC/NoVa white girls would be honest. I would respect you all as a group more. Good luck being 35, Avg (at best) and man less. Your white knight is never coming. All my white guy friends prefer Asian chics. I do not wish you good luck.

I wrote him back and told him that he was hilarious.  That him projecting his racial bullshit onto me was sad and transparent, and that it was not my burden to carry around the giant chip on his shoulder.  I reminded him that my "average" self was enough to get him to message me in the first place, and that if his friends were anything like him, regardless of being black, white, or purple, I didn't want them anyway.  I waited about five minutes after sending, wanting to make sure he had time to read it, and then I blocked his bitter, racist, ridiculous ass.

This is not the first time this has happened.  It really, really pisses me off when I get accused of being a racist because I'm not interested in some guy that messages me.  Does the thought that I just don't want THEM specifically never cross their mind?  Jesus.  The egos that proliferate around here are insane sometimes.

It also saddens me that in order to feel better about himself, this guy resorted to tearing me apart.  I'm the first person to tell you that I'm average.  I know I'm cute way more than I'm beautiful.  I don't give a shit. And yeah, I'm 35 and man less.  I've been married and divorced.  I've been in long term relationships.  I've been there, done that and I'm not in some big damn hurry to do it again.  I respect myself enough to know that I deserve better, and I will wait for that.  I don't need some pompous, delusional asshole throwing my age at me like a weapon.  Last time I checked, he was on the same online dating site I was, also in his thirties and single.  Pot, meet kettle.

Maybe I'll be single forever.  I can't pretend to know.  I know there have been people who have wanted to date me over the years of my singlehood, and I know that for me, they haven't been right.  I'm still here.  I'm surviving just fine on my own.  My world is not empty of meaning and value because I don't have someone to come home to every night.  I have a job I love and that I'm awesome at.  I have two cats who worship me and entertain me.  I have friends and family that I love and love me back.  I have a safe, happy apartment to call my own, a paid off car to drive around, and a self-worth inside of me that matters.

This average girl is doing all right.

Friday, October 4, 2013

my head is an animal

It's Friday, and it's crazy already.  I'm out for two days next week due to my trip to visit my family tomorrow, so I'm playing pre-emptive catch up.  Crossing fingers that the day goes quickly, but not so quickly that I can't get everything done!  I'm holding out for Happy Minute at 4:30 because that means the work week is over.  :-)

I finished reading "A Visit From the Goon Squad" by Jennifer Egan yesterday.  It was a recommendation from one of my favorite friends, and she raved about it, so I added it haphazardly to my to-read list.  I enjoyed it, but I have to admit it wasn't a book that I was ever excited to pick back up each day.  The story came from the viewpoints of multiple people and did some time jumping, and it was just kind of odd for me.  I liked the ending, which redeemed it on some levels, though.

Last night I bought "Fangirl" on my Kindle.  It's by Rainbow Rowell, the same person who wrote "Eleanor and Park", which I adored.  It should be a light, easy read.  I'm also rereading "Looking for Alaska" by John Green.  I continue to be so happy that there are so many good books to read!  I may bring along the large hardback of "Night Film" to Omaha, even though I've heard some mixed reviews on it lately.  I remain entranced by the actual book, the weight of it, the feel of its pages, everything going on within.  I want to give it a fair chance in spite of some reservations.

I also bought Lorde's "Pure Heroine" album last night.  I already loved "Royals" & "Tennis Court" and had been listening to those in heavy rotation for the last couple of weeks.  Turns out the entire album is just fantastic.  I love it, and I expect to be listening to it a lot.  **"Ribs"---CANNOT stop looping this song.

My life is kind of boring right now, so I'll just keep talking about books and music and other assorted randomness until I have something interesting to share.  :-)

In the meantime, guess I should get to work!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Jury Duty and then some

So I had Jury Duty for the first time yesterday. I'd always wondered what it would be like, and I'm glad I had the experience.  I did actually get selected for the jury, and sat through plaintiff testimony until about 3pm, wherein the Judge had us leave the courtroom and wait.  About half an hour later, he advised us that he had dismissed the case, so we were free to go.  I'm now free of the burden  of jury duty for another three years should I stay in my current city. 

It wasn't a bad experience at all.  I was interested to see how it all worked, and to see a real trial, even if just for a bit.  I also got to spend a lunch hour in Old Town on a spectacularly beautiful day, and got home by 4pm.  Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday.  :-)

In other news, I came back to a hot mess at work.  End of month is our busiest time, and it lags over into the first week of the month.  I was putting out fires and handling rushes all morning.  Right now I'm in a holding pattern on about half a dozen projects, waiting for someone else to do their part before I can do mine.  Should make for a nice, busy afternoon!

In other news, I'm going back home to visit my family this weekend.  I leave Saturday and return Tuesday.  Short trip, but it will be good to see my grandfather.  After his double bypass a month ago, he ended up back in the ER and having another surgery (hernia-related) last Monday.  He got released from the hospital on Monday and sent to a different rehabilitation facility than after the bypass, and he will be there for probably two weeks.  I'm looking forward to seeing him even if those places give me the heebie-jeebies.  I also get to spend Saturday night hanging out with my brother and his wife, and our plan is to go visit some haunted attractions that night.  I'm excited to get my October started properly!

On the men front, things area mixed bag.  Artboy and I are in a weird place.  Something was obviously going on with him for a couple of days because he was weird and grumpy.  He's evened out now, and we're chatting, but each time this happens I find myself pulling back a little bit more.  I still really enjoy when we hang out, but the overall affection for him dwindles a little bit each time he indulges in one of his moods.  I guess it's a good thing to feel less attached to him as time goes by, since we are very clearly not a big picture match, but it's also a little sad.  I guess that's how things go!

Beyond that, I'm talking to some people, including Georgia, from way, way back.  He moved here in February from Georgia, where we'd been talking a ton via phone and texting.  Then once he actually moved here it dropped off, which was so weird.  We reconnected in the last month or two and are back to talking on pretty much a daily basis.  He travels some crazy days a year (over 200), so he's hard to catch in person.  We're still hoping to meet up eventually, but he doesn't get back from his current work trip until October 16.  He admitted that his previous hesitation about meeting stemmed from the fact that he really enjoys talking to me, and if we meet and it doesn't click for either of us, we'll lose that.  I truly understand that, and agree, because I do like having him to talk to.  But I also know that at some point or another we have to bite the bullet and meet. 

I guess that's all I know for now.  Going to get back to my lunch hour and get to the actual eating part since I forgot breakfast (aside from coffee) and my stomach is growling!