Hey Girl

So, this Google Chrome extension is making me super happy: Hey Girl

It can be kind of inappropriate when reading awful stories on CNN, but it's awesome for Facebook and other lighter stories.  Also? It creates a dream world when I log onto PlentyofFish!  :-)

I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping.  I bought two small things last week, but other than that I did most of it yesterday.  I'd say about 70% was online, with some supplementary shopping last night at Kohls and Ulta.  Tonight will be Dick's Sporting Goods and Bed Bath & Beyond.  I should be just about done after that aside from one super quick gift pickup I'll have to do when I get to Omaha.  I'm pretty happy with most of what I came up with for everyone, and I'm excited to give all of my gifts!

I'm still waiting for my meeting this week (I presume) about my annual review and bonus.  I'm guessing now it will be Thursday or Friday since my supervisor didn't mention it yet when I talked to her today, and she's out tomorrow.  Boo!  I know my raise won't be anything stupendous, as the economy just doesn't allow for too much awesomeness in that area, but I am hopeful about my bonus.  We'll see!

I still have yet to watch any Christmas movies aside from Love Actually.  Watched it with a girlfriend the other weekend and it was the first time I'd seen it.  I really liked it.  :-)  Anyway, I definitely need to watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and I'd like to watch Home Alone and the Charlie Brown Christmas classic.  A Christmas Story is also on my list, but I know I'll see bits and pieces of that one over and over on Christmas day with the marathon!

Anyway, boring update, but it's better than nothing!

Delinquent

I feel like I haven't posted here in forever!  I guess it's been a combination of being crazy busy due to the holidays and end of year craziness, and also just not having a lot new to share.

I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet.  However, I'm not too panicked, as my shopping list is short and I mostly know what I'm getting everyone.  I'm a bit stumped on what to give my ex-H, though.  For as much as he drives me nutty, he is insanely generous to me.  This year alone he gave me his "old" (READ: Less than 2 years old, perfect condition) 42" flat screen LED TV when he upgraded to a new one, got me a plane ticket to Orlando in January and paid for admission and fast passes to Universal Studios for us, he used his hotel reward points to get me an awesome oceanside resort room in Ft. Lauderdale for my birthday, and he scored us free, amazing tickets to the Chiefs v. Skins game this past sunday.  In addition, he pays for everything every time we go out to dinner, brunch, a movie, haunted house, anything.   The problem?  The man has everything he wants.  He makes good money and doesn't want for anything.  So I have no idea what I'm getting him.  I know I can't compete financially, and he doesn't expect it (or probably anything from me), but I am going to try to think of something thoughtful for him.

Tis the season for holiday events.  On Friday I went to my previous employer's holiday party, as I did last year.  It was a fantastic time as always.  I got to dress up, see old friends and co-workers, and indulge in a handful of amazing peppermint martinis!  Today we have a regular old all personnel lunch at work, and this is on the heels of a breakfast hosted by building management for all tenants.  Tomorrow is my current firm's holiday party, and then we have a holiday firm luncheon on Monday!  Craziness.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow's festivities.  I got a gorgeous sparkly dress for the occasion, as well as some lovely sparkly shoes.  I have a new nail polish to match, and I've timed it so my usual hair appt. will be tomorrow morning, so I can reap the benefits of the blowout afterwards.  :-)  Luckily the party is at a hotel right next door to our building, so there will be no long treks in heels from the office!  I'm bringing sparkly flats to change into if necessary at the party, and definitely for after.

No news on the dating front.  Talking to some people, like always, but it's a hard time of year to make time to meet new people.  I'm trying to not think too much about the fact that a year ago, Artboy picked me up from the Metro after my holiday party. Sigh.  This year I'll definitely be going home alone, and that's okay. I have to work on Friday, anyway!

Saturday I have plans to go to Mount Vernon by Candlelight with a group of friends.  The weather folks are predicting another possibly messy weather day, though, and I'm hoping it doesn't screw anything up.  At the very least, it will probably be raining, which sucks since part of the event is usually outside.  :-/  I still plan to go so long as something crazy doesn't end up happening weatherwise, and it sounds like it should mostly be rain.  I do love the night-time tour of Mt. Vernon and the caroling and hot cider and everything.  Very old-timey Christmas!  I'd also like to get a Christmas ornament there as well.

Anyway, that's all I know for now.  Be assured that even when my posting is non-existent, I'm still reading along with everyone else!

long (for me) hair, I care

No normal person would look at my hair and say it's long, but it feels long to me.  I've been getting all kinds of compliments on it since I've been growing it out a bit (I'm working an A-line cut, though it's harder to tell unless it's straight).  In addition, I'm saving money because I'm not really getting stand-alone blowouts anymore because at it's longer length, it just doesn't look as cute that way anymore...by far.  It's a bummer because when it was shorter and blown out I felt incredibly chic and polished and beautiful.  Now with it longer the only way it looks cute is if I curl my curls, and that's cute, not chic/polished/beautiful.  My curls as they are are simply too flat, too disorganized, too messy.  I'm a little frustrated, but I don't know that there's much to do about it.  It looks better curly when it's longer, better straight when it's shorter.  First world problems.

In other assorted news:

A big, awful rat ran in front of me the other night when I was walking across the parking lot to my gym.  Gross. 

My Chiefs lost on Sunday to the Broncos, so my good luck streak courtesy of my Chiefs red nails has ended.  Maybe now I won't feel so constrained to keep them red ALL the time in order to keep the Chiefs on a winning path.  Got a nice pretty pink color on them last night. I've become a huge fan of the Revlon Colorstay line.  It's a base coat, color polish and top coat set that lasts much longer than regular nail polish on me, and has the look of a gel manicure, or so I've been told. 

Took Monday-Wednesday off next week, so as of 5pm Friday, I'm free for 9 days!  I'll be in Omaha Tuesday-Friday, but I have time at both ends to just hang out here.  So excited!

Currently obsessed with Andrew Belle's album, "Black Bear".  Discovered him last week when looking for something to do on Friday night, bought the album Friday morning.  Saw him in concert at a small local venue that evening with friends and he put on an amazing show.  Fantastic album, and I can't get enough of "Pieces", "Dark Matter" and several others! 

No big plans on tap for this week.  Just picking up some pants from the tailor (had to get a hem fixed), returning an erroneously purchased movie ticket (since they won't just credit over the phone), going to the gym, the trainer, etc.  Friday night I'm going to see "Catching Fire" with the movie meetup group I'm a part of, so that should be a good time.  Can't wait for that movie!

Nothing to discuss on the dating front.  Just going through the conveyor belt of options and not finding much noteworthy, and refusing to get any kind of amped up for any of the decent ones.  I've closed a lot of doors on a lot of unworthy people lately, and it's good overall, but still sad.  I've invested so much time and emotional energy into these people, at varying levels, and with varying returns.  But the bottom line is that they take more than they give, and it's not worth it anymore.  I've scissored them out of my world, and I hope they stay there, because it was hard to do in the first place.

Next week at this time I'll be in Omaha.  No work on the horizon for several days.  Just me, my family, my friends, everyone's new pets (brother got a bulldog, mom got a new adult cat).  I'll get to sleep in if I want.  Eat good food.  Get my workouts in to make up for the good food.  Get out of DC for a bit. 

I'm looking forward to all of it!

Hard Out Here

I love Lily Allen.  Seriously.

Hard Out Here

Is it crass? Perhaps.  But no more so than any of the other nonsense out there, and at least her's is for a point! 

Can't wait to buy the single.

things fall apart so that other things can fall together

I read the quote from the title of this post somewhere today, and I loved it.  Things fall apart so that other things can fall together.  I like the idea of that.  I think it's oftentimes true.  I hope it continues to be true because I have a couple of things falling apart right now, and I'd like to see the silver lining of it all.  They are not big things in the grand scheme, mind you, but still.

Trainer.  I love him personally, but am beginning to really dislike him professionally.  Too bad I just bought another batch of sessions!  I feel like he is very good at the actual personal training part of his job, but he is lousy at the business side of it.  He's not hugely reliable.  He's impulsive and irresponsible at times, and not hugely apologetic when it happens.  Saturday I had a session with him scheduled for noon.  I showed up a couple minutes early, waited for him to meet me at the door (it's a secured building).  I texted him about 12:05 to tell him I was there.  I left at 12:17 when I hadn't heard anything from him.

About 12:35 I get two consecutive texts from him.  "Are you not getting my messages?" and then, "Hello?"  I wrote back and told him that I'd not received anything other than those two messages right then. He replied and said he was running fifteen minutes late.  I don't know if that was an older message, or if he was saying that's what he'd told me before, or what.  It didn't matter.  It was 12:35, and I told him, "Bottom line, I waited until 12:17 for a 12pm appt., and when you didn't show or reply, I left.  I'm already home."  I didn't get a reply after that.

He is supposed to get weekly schedules out on Sunday.  I didn't get anything, so I emailed him this morning.  I got a schedule about an hour later.  For this week.

Pet peeve?  I cannot get a standard appt. to save my life.  It is apparently impossible, so my training day switches from one week to the next.  It drives me nuts because I don't get the schedule until Sunday or Monday, so I can't make any plans for the week until then.  Is it so unreasonable to ask for a Tuesday 7pm appt. every week?

I made an appt. with a small group training gym for women in the area for Thursday.  I'm going in for an introductory session and meeting.  Groups of four max with a trainer.  I am considering it.  Granted, pricing will be a factor, but it's something I'm looking into.  Like I said, I already have 20+ sessions remaining with my current trainer.  I would lose money if I sold them to another client, so either way, I will probably just keep them and use them up.  I don't know if I'll even like the new place, but it can't hurt to look.  Maybe the group setting would motivate me more, or be enough of a change to spark something in me.  We'll see.

All I know is my trainer is increasing his pricing packages come the new year (still super reasonable compared to others in the area), and I do not intend to pay more for this kind of service.  We're either going to have a come to Jesus throwdown talk in order for me to stay if I dislike this new place, or I'll use up my remaining sessions with him while transitioning to the new place.  Thursday will be interesting!  I see my trainer on Wednesday and have yet to decide how I'm going to approach him about things.

The other falling apart thing is just Artboy, but that's just a continuation.  I haven't reached out to him in two weeks, and he's reached out to me in a completely useless, idle ways maybe three times.  It can't even be called conversation mostly.  It still makes me sad.  I don't understand why it is happening like this, but ultimately, I can't change it.  I can't make him explain it, I can't force understanding my way.  I have to just let it go, stop seeking him out, move on.

In other news, I finally finished reading "Night Film" and I loved it.  I was disappointed when it was over because I just enjoyed the experience of reading it.  In spite of some very passionate conflicting reviews (READ: People seem to either adore it or loathe it), I really liked it and am glad I read it.  I picked up a new book "S." by JJ Abrams, which is a whole other kind of puzzle.  Not sure when I'll get into that one!

I also saw "About Time" yesterday with some girlfriends.  I'm not usually much for chick flicks, and I'm not really in a great rom-com frame of mind, but this movie was so much more than just a rom com.  It had dramatic elements, it had a great message without being cloying.  It's a movie that made me laugh and cry, and just smile a whole hell of a lot. I highly recommend it!

The dating thing is the same merry go round.  Getting to know people, wondering if they are losing interest, wondering if I am, wondering if we'll meet.  Who knows!

The Blair Witch in the Office Project

Happy Halloween!  I'm not dressed up in some festive costume this year, but I still feel the Halloween spirit.  :-)  I'm dressed in black, gray and white, and I have lovely black fingernails (which I kind of love), and a couple of little Halloween stickers to brighten things up. 

I saw a couple of people dressed up on my morning commute, which was fun.  :-)  Lots of black and orange around the office, which is spirited.  I roasted my pumpkin seeds last night, and ate far too many of them.  I watched "American Horror Story: Coven", which was creepy as always. 

Tonight I'm having dinner with a girlfriend who's in town for work for a couple of days.  After dinner I'm going home, going to the gym, and then coming back to my apartment to try to be brave enough to watch at least one scary movie before bed.  I'm going to save "It's the Great Pumpkin" to watch after the movie, as a happy palate cleanser.  ;-)

Our Halloween Parade at work is actually tomorrow, so it will extend the fun! Everyone gets to bring their kids to trick or treat around the office, and then the kids join in on our pizza at the end of the day, along with extra sugar in the form of cookies and things.  It's always a cute event, so I'm looking forward to it!

I'm sore already from my trainer last night.  We also talked about all of his new changes, and it's actually not quite what I thought it was.  I will likely stick it out with him, as I will now get more sessions, more reliably for the same cost as before, just allocated differently.  We'll see how it all shakes out in January when the sessions I already have run out.  I know I will dread seeing him 2-3 times a week instead of 1-2, but ultimately I know it will be good for me once I get into that again.

I feel cute again today.  I can't say enough how much I dig the black nail polish.  It's an unforgiving color to do a home manicure with, and there were lots of fixes to be made with the polish remover pen, but in the end it looks kind of cool.  Go figure! 

I'm still not committing to any new dates really the last few days.  It's all good, I'll do it when I feel like it.  :-)  There are lots of fun things coming up in the next several days, so I have enough to think about.  Tomorrow night is happy hour with a couple friends and then the DC Improv for a comedy show with a big old group of friends.  Tomorrow also marks the first day of Nanowrimo, aka National Novel Writing Month, which I make varying levels of effort at doing each year.  :-) 

Ready for my weekend!

Insert Upbeat Song Montage Here

Three in a row.

Three days in a row now of feeling awesome.

I've been making a particular effort to look put together this week after last week's miseries, and I've felt good each day because of it.  From outfit to hair to accessories, it's all worked, and people have noticed and complimented my stepped up efforts.

Even though day two had a setback in the form of an Artboy confrontation via IM.  Even though I cried for a minute, and felt frustrated and hurt and disillusioned.  I picked all the pieces back up and I had a good day.  And an awesome night. 

I bought two cute new shirts that I will be wearing Thursday and Friday, respectively.  I got a new Revlon Colorstay polish in a dashing black called "Stiletto", which I will be donning tonight.  I did laundry, I went to the gym and to the store for a few things, I carved my pumpkin. 

I've spent the last two days making up for lost time from the last week in terms of productivity.  I'm impressed with myself, and I feel good.

Two nights ago I came home from the gym, I put on my headphones, hooked my ipod on, and I danced around my apartment with ridiculous abandon.  It was fantastic and joyful and refreshing. 

Last night when I drove around for my errands, I blared the same song, feeling the weight of the day lift off my shoulders.  The day's earlier daggers fell away, and I felt strong and good again. 

Today I feel awesome.  I can't wait to get home so I can go to my training session, then come home and do my nails, vacuum my apartment, roast my pumpkin seeds, catch up on DVR.  And just maybe, I will have another musical montage moment in my apartment.  Like Angela Chase from My So-Called Life in the episode where she wakes up and feels free of Jordan Catalano, and dances around to "Blister in the Sun", so shall I dance around to my montage moment song, which builds up to just the right crescendo, and whose lyrics just WORK for me right now.

What's funny is that I originally misunderstood the lyrics.  I thought she was singing, "I feel incapable of seeing the end, I feel incapable of saying its over..."  After watching a few youtube videos of the band performing the song, I realized my error...and I kind of love the real lyrics more.

"I'm feeling capable of seeing the end, I'm feeling capable of saying it's over...."- From "tether" by Chvrches

The more I spin around to this song, the more I erase him from my list of what matters.  The stronger and better I feel.  The more I appreciate how good it feels to FEEL GOOD in general, all man related things aside, and how the little, petty things slide off like they don't even matter when you're in the right place.  Dance, dance, dance.  :-)

the (un)brave one

So I managed to get to my haunted forest on Friday night.  Everyone bailed except for my ex-H.  I think he might have bailed otherwise, but I vented at him my vast frustration with all the flaky people who had bailed originally, and I think I scared him into staying in.  ;-)  We made the hour long drive out to nowhere, Maryland and ate at one of the three designated restaurants where you could get a fast pass.  It was kitschy, but the food was actually good!  I will admit that the fast pass made the haunted forest experience absurdly fast.  I'm the type who likes to enjoy the atmosphere, wander around, take in the giant bonfire.  Ex is more of the do what we came here for and get out type.  Since he was driving, since he paid for everything, I let things go that way.  Ultimately, I was just happy to go!  It was a great scare, perfect weather, and a good meal to boot.

Ex and his gf of the last few months broke up Saturday.  It was too bad because I really liked her for him.  Guess it just didn't work out.  On the upside, we're now talking again about going to Kansas City for a Chiefs game this November.  Hopefully it will come to fruition.  I know it's weird, but we're just really good friends, and since we're both single we are not held back by the insecurity of others, and we can just hang out.  It's kind of nice!  Sometimes I do think it's sad that a) I don't have that kind of attraction to him anymore and b) I could never trust him on that level again.  But I don't and I can't, so it will just stay a good friendship.  :-)

Saturday started out not great.  I'd been up late the night before, so it was a chore to get up for my 9 am session with my trainer.  Showed up, texted him I was there....only to have him text me and tell me that I wasn't scheduled until 11, and the training calendar had been wrong.  I was PISSED.  I went back home, but couldn't even snag more sleep because I had a chiro appt. at 11. 

Turns out he also sent an email this weekend saying that there will be no more sales on training packages, and no more re-sign deals.  Apparently he is overtaxed with clients and is using this pricing change to whittle down his client list.  I've talked about being done with him before, but this pretty much seals it.  I've only seen him for as long as I have because of his reasonable prices.  If he goes up to what everyone else is charging, he's pricing me out.  I have 20 sessions left prepaid, but after that I think my time with him will be over.  I'm going to spend those 20 sessions paying closer attention to what we do, the weights he has me using, the number of reps.  Must prepare for being on my own again, and must find a way to get over my gymtimidation with regards to the weights section at the gym.

I have yet to watch any of my scary movies, and I'm beginning to feel crunched for time.  All of these migraines lately are really screwing me over in terms of productivity time and relaxation time.  I feel good so far today, so tonight I have to go get gas, get to the store for a couple of things, including pumpkin #2, and get to the gym FINALLY.  I haven't been in days between being busy Friday and having migraines every other damn day.  My problem with the scary movies is that I need to watch them early enough that I can watch something happy after.

I feel like I have a lot to do....various errands, cleaning up my apartment (another thing that languished due to migraines), getting to the gym/working out and getting all of my Halloween things done in time.  I don't want to feel rushed!  I'm also trying to figure out this KC trip and juggle a bunch of work things as well.  So much going on.

Nothing new on the dating front.  Talking to some people, blocked another one this weekend.  I read his message on my phone, checked his profile on my phone super briefly.  Was going to reply when I got to a computer.  Before I even had a chance, he emailed me and asked why so many women viewed his profile, but didn't reply, and asked if he was ugly.  I tried to be nice and explain why I personally hadn't replied yet, and also that often times people just didn't like you back on these sites, and that it happened to me all the time, and not to take it personally.  He wrote back and told me that I was giving him attitude like everyone else, and it  was discouraging, wah wah wah.  I wrote back and told him he was coming off desperate and insecure.  I made sure he had time to read it, then blocked him.  What an insecure brat!  I try to be nice to these people....

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

Right now, I cannot deal with you.  

I hate the neighbors from my building who are standing outside my window smoking, causing their disgusting cancer smoke to wind its way into my apartment.

I hate the neighbors above me who have spent the bulk of the weekend smoking skunky smelling pot upstairs, which is winding its way into the hallways of our building and through the bathroom vent in my apartment.

I hate the neighbors to my side, who last night spent upwards of four hours using up both of the washers repeatedly so I was left to start my laundry at 12:30 am.

I hate my insurance company for dictating how many migraine pills I'm allowed a month (6) and making me pay a higher co-pay for those 6 pills because it's a non preferred drug.  I have ONE migraine pill left until November 11, unless I want to pay $45 for a single pill again, which I will probably have to, at least once, if not more.

I love October, and I love fall...but I hate the allergies they bring with them.  I hate that those allergies trigger insanely awful migraines for me, day after day after day.  I hate that I have felt like shit for a good portion of most of the days of the last week because of it.  I am tired of my head hurting, my neck hurting.  I am tired of feeling too lousy to get to the gym, too lousy to clean my apartment, or to get my errands done.  I don't want to spend any more time in my dark apartment, fearing the blaze of any light or loud sounds.  I want to feel better.

I need a break here.

Waffles are for breakfast, people

Sometimes I get so frustrated by people and their waffling, non-committal ways.  For a couple of weeks now, I've had plans to go to Markoff's Haunted Forest tonight with my ex-H and some of his friends. Weird, I know, but we did it a couple of years ago and it was fine.  So earlier this week I check in about it, and his friends are not committing, saying it may be too cold.  I decide to look for backup just in case, and invite a friend.  She says she definitely wants to go, and we talk about inviting others.

So today I check in with ex-H and he says he doesn't think his people want to go, but he may still be interested.  My friend is all, "I want to go, but it's going to be really crowded, but I want to go."  Then changes the subject to something else, leaving me wondering...WTF?

This drives me up a wall.  Seriously!  It's Friday after 11am, and people can't commit to plans for tonight?  I IMed my ex-H and told him that basically I'm not going to rely on any of my friends going, and that if he's up for going, we should just plan on that.  If anyone else does decide to go, fine, but if not, it wouldn't change our plan.  I'm annoyed because this is something I'm really looking forward to doing, and right now it's back on the "possible" burner because NO ONE WILL COMMIT.

End rant.

Last night I got another stupid migraine and went to bed early.  I did that AFTER talking to the Smoker.  Basically I told him that if he's not interested in quitting or anything, and is just an "I am what I am" smoker, I can't do it.  He was very understanding, and in retrospect, I'm glad I chose this route.  He's clearly not interested in negotiating on the smoking, and while I respect his honesty, I was also disappointed.  Most people I know who still smoke at least have a desire to stop...he doesn't seem to have that.  That makes him a poor match for me, in spite of whatever else we may have in common.

Woke up this morning feeling pretty well rested, which was nice.  A handful of Ibuprofen and Benadryl at bedtime will do that to you!  I'm meeting the CFO of my old firm for lunch today.  We're still friends and it's been awhile since we caught up, so that should be fun.  It's also Happy Minute Friday, and today is the good pizza.  :-)  Oh, it's the small pleasures, I tell you.

Chex Mix > Dating

October is my favorite month.  It's autumn, it's football and hoodies and pumpkins and haunted things and hot chocolate.  This October, as it turns out, has also been unreasonable deadlines, grumpy/difficult/challenging/obnoxious people and frustration.  Thank god for acupuncture on Monday that decompressed me in a major way, and thank god for the chiro appt. I have Saturday morning to do more of the job.

I've been so drained from work lately, it's crazy.  It's been a weird distraction from the rest of my life, which is just a thing floating by me in the hours I'm not at work or thinking about work.  I went on a coffee date last night, it was not bad.  I've been talking to another guy for a couple of weeks and thought he was really promising, in spite of him being 5 years my junior (!!!), but then I found out he smokes, so I'm torn.  Another guy I've "known" online for 2-3 months now and cannot get the motivation to meet.  We were supposed to go out tonight, but I'm opting out.  I need a nap, and the gym, and a warm dinner ALONE.

Tomorrow night I'm planning to go to a haunted forest with some people, so that should be a good time.  However, I think I'm most looking forward to the rest of the weekend.  Sleeping, chiro, trainer/gym, scary movies, buying my pumpkins, maybe baking up some chex mix, watching all kinds of football.  Yes, please!

I just feel like I need a couple of days where no one is demanding anything of me, or expecting anything of me, where I can just do my thing and not be questioned about it.  I know the 2nd guy (smoker) wants to meet, but I just can't decide if it's even worth it.  I cannot possibly describe how much I loathe smoking, and how truly offensive it is to kiss a smoker for me, and how I absolutely will not do it.  But why does this guy have to be the nicest, sweetest, most sincere one?  Bah.  Smoking has always been a dealbreaker for me, so I'm mostly annoyed with myself for missing it on his profile when we first started talking. 

Meanwhile, I'm a magnet for guys I've already told I'm not interested in dating...they just KEEP.COMING.BACK.  Last night a guy I've turned down twice already contacted me again to ask me out.  He got all weird when I AGAIN said no.  I've been trying to be nice about it because we met  through friends, and we have seen each other at various events and gatherings, and this will continue to happen, but DAMN.  How many times do I have to turn you down before you get it?  Sigh.

See?  This is why I look forward to chex mix more than I do to a date.  :-)

Thursday

I'm still here.  I'm still reading.  I'm also buried under an enormous pile of work, and insanely stressed out, and frustrated.  This, however, makes me laugh, so I will share it.  AND IT'S TRUE! :-)

Average at Best

So I went back to online dating very recently.  And this happened this morning.

A guy apparently messaged me this week. I didn't reply.  I've had a ton of messages, I've honestly not gotten around to replying to all of them.

So this morning I get a second message from one of them. "Too cool to reply?"

I looked at his profile and realized why I hadn't responded to him.  Among one of the things he was looking for was casual sex.  I don't engage with people looking for casual sex because it's just not the kind of person I'm looking for right now.  I explained this all to him very nicely.

What do I get in return?

It's because I am a black man. Period. I just wish you DC/NoVa white girls would be honest. I would respect you all as a group more. Good luck being 35, Avg (at best) and man less. Your white knight is never coming. All my white guy friends prefer Asian chics. I do not wish you good luck.

I wrote him back and told him that he was hilarious.  That him projecting his racial bullshit onto me was sad and transparent, and that it was not my burden to carry around the giant chip on his shoulder.  I reminded him that my "average" self was enough to get him to message me in the first place, and that if his friends were anything like him, regardless of being black, white, or purple, I didn't want them anyway.  I waited about five minutes after sending, wanting to make sure he had time to read it, and then I blocked his bitter, racist, ridiculous ass.

This is not the first time this has happened.  It really, really pisses me off when I get accused of being a racist because I'm not interested in some guy that messages me.  Does the thought that I just don't want THEM specifically never cross their mind?  Jesus.  The egos that proliferate around here are insane sometimes.

It also saddens me that in order to feel better about himself, this guy resorted to tearing me apart.  I'm the first person to tell you that I'm average.  I know I'm cute way more than I'm beautiful.  I don't give a shit. And yeah, I'm 35 and man less.  I've been married and divorced.  I've been in long term relationships.  I've been there, done that and I'm not in some big damn hurry to do it again.  I respect myself enough to know that I deserve better, and I will wait for that.  I don't need some pompous, delusional asshole throwing my age at me like a weapon.  Last time I checked, he was on the same online dating site I was, also in his thirties and single.  Pot, meet kettle.

Maybe I'll be single forever.  I can't pretend to know.  I know there have been people who have wanted to date me over the years of my singlehood, and I know that for me, they haven't been right.  I'm still here.  I'm surviving just fine on my own.  My world is not empty of meaning and value because I don't have someone to come home to every night.  I have a job I love and that I'm awesome at.  I have two cats who worship me and entertain me.  I have friends and family that I love and love me back.  I have a safe, happy apartment to call my own, a paid off car to drive around, and a self-worth inside of me that matters.

This average girl is doing all right.

my head is an animal

It's Friday, and it's crazy already.  I'm out for two days next week due to my trip to visit my family tomorrow, so I'm playing pre-emptive catch up.  Crossing fingers that the day goes quickly, but not so quickly that I can't get everything done!  I'm holding out for Happy Minute at 4:30 because that means the work week is over.  :-)

I finished reading "A Visit From the Goon Squad" by Jennifer Egan yesterday.  It was a recommendation from one of my favorite friends, and she raved about it, so I added it haphazardly to my to-read list.  I enjoyed it, but I have to admit it wasn't a book that I was ever excited to pick back up each day.  The story came from the viewpoints of multiple people and did some time jumping, and it was just kind of odd for me.  I liked the ending, which redeemed it on some levels, though.

Last night I bought "Fangirl" on my Kindle.  It's by Rainbow Rowell, the same person who wrote "Eleanor and Park", which I adored.  It should be a light, easy read.  I'm also rereading "Looking for Alaska" by John Green.  I continue to be so happy that there are so many good books to read!  I may bring along the large hardback of "Night Film" to Omaha, even though I've heard some mixed reviews on it lately.  I remain entranced by the actual book, the weight of it, the feel of its pages, everything going on within.  I want to give it a fair chance in spite of some reservations.

I also bought Lorde's "Pure Heroine" album last night.  I already loved "Royals" & "Tennis Court" and had been listening to those in heavy rotation for the last couple of weeks.  Turns out the entire album is just fantastic.  I love it, and I expect to be listening to it a lot.  **"Ribs"---CANNOT stop looping this song.

My life is kind of boring right now, so I'll just keep talking about books and music and other assorted randomness until I have something interesting to share.  :-)

In the meantime, guess I should get to work!

Jury Duty and then some

So I had Jury Duty for the first time yesterday. I'd always wondered what it would be like, and I'm glad I had the experience.  I did actually get selected for the jury, and sat through plaintiff testimony until about 3pm, wherein the Judge had us leave the courtroom and wait.  About half an hour later, he advised us that he had dismissed the case, so we were free to go.  I'm now free of the burden  of jury duty for another three years should I stay in my current city. 

It wasn't a bad experience at all.  I was interested to see how it all worked, and to see a real trial, even if just for a bit.  I also got to spend a lunch hour in Old Town on a spectacularly beautiful day, and got home by 4pm.  Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday.  :-)

In other news, I came back to a hot mess at work.  End of month is our busiest time, and it lags over into the first week of the month.  I was putting out fires and handling rushes all morning.  Right now I'm in a holding pattern on about half a dozen projects, waiting for someone else to do their part before I can do mine.  Should make for a nice, busy afternoon!

In other news, I'm going back home to visit my family this weekend.  I leave Saturday and return Tuesday.  Short trip, but it will be good to see my grandfather.  After his double bypass a month ago, he ended up back in the ER and having another surgery (hernia-related) last Monday.  He got released from the hospital on Monday and sent to a different rehabilitation facility than after the bypass, and he will be there for probably two weeks.  I'm looking forward to seeing him even if those places give me the heebie-jeebies.  I also get to spend Saturday night hanging out with my brother and his wife, and our plan is to go visit some haunted attractions that night.  I'm excited to get my October started properly!

On the men front, things area mixed bag.  Artboy and I are in a weird place.  Something was obviously going on with him for a couple of days because he was weird and grumpy.  He's evened out now, and we're chatting, but each time this happens I find myself pulling back a little bit more.  I still really enjoy when we hang out, but the overall affection for him dwindles a little bit each time he indulges in one of his moods.  I guess it's a good thing to feel less attached to him as time goes by, since we are very clearly not a big picture match, but it's also a little sad.  I guess that's how things go!

Beyond that, I'm talking to some people, including Georgia, from way, way back.  He moved here in February from Georgia, where we'd been talking a ton via phone and texting.  Then once he actually moved here it dropped off, which was so weird.  We reconnected in the last month or two and are back to talking on pretty much a daily basis.  He travels some crazy days a year (over 200), so he's hard to catch in person.  We're still hoping to meet up eventually, but he doesn't get back from his current work trip until October 16.  He admitted that his previous hesitation about meeting stemmed from the fact that he really enjoys talking to me, and if we meet and it doesn't click for either of us, we'll lose that.  I truly understand that, and agree, because I do like having him to talk to.  But I also know that at some point or another we have to bite the bullet and meet. 

I guess that's all I know for now.  Going to get back to my lunch hour and get to the actual eating part since I forgot breakfast (aside from coffee) and my stomach is growling! 

shaken not stirred

No, my blog post title has nothing to do with any boozy concoctions.  Instead, it refers to all of the plans I've had lately, which have just repeatedly been turned upside down.  It started with last night, the planned Artboy food and football night that fell through.  In spite of my best intentions, I ended up feeling kind of bummed by it.  I guess I hadn't realized how much I'd been looking forward to his company.  It didn't help that after he told me he couldn't come yesterday late morning, I didn't hear from him again, including when I responded to his message.  WTF, mate? 

I went to acupuncture, which was insanely relaxing as per usual.  Then I felt restless and uninterested in going home, so I went to Target.  That's always a mistake, especially when you're feeling blue.  I went in to buy an electric throw blanket.  I had to toss mine at the end of last winter season because it was old and I was afraid it was going to shock me.  However, I couldn't find ANY in Target, which was weird.  But I did end up with a book and a purse.  Sigh.

The purse, though, is super cute.  It's just a cheap Mossimo purse, but it's a cool, deep purple color and I just like it.  Then I ended up buying "Night Film" by Marisha Pessl.  I had a sample of it on my Kindle for awhile now because I enjoyed her last book, but I wasn't feeling pressed to read it.  But once I saw it in the store, I picked it up to peruse it and fell in love.  It was one of those books I had to own the hardback version of because I loved how it felt.  I liked the feel of the paper of the pages, I liked all of the articles and pictures and things throughout it, and I liked the cover and the weight of it.  Shout out to Danielle over at Zombie Love Affair for re-sparking my interest in this book, too! 

My last purchase was a cute, patterned sunglass case.  I've broken two pairs of sunglasses in the last couple of months from them getting squished in my bag in their soft case, so it was time to buckle down to do something to prevent that from happening again. 

I went home and switched my things over to my new purse.  I examined my new book, appreciating the weight and feel of it again.  I watched the Grey's Anatomy season premiere, which was excellent as always.  I did not go to the gym.  :-/  I was just feeling bummed, I guess.

Today I got to work and discovered that my trainer had rescheduled my session from Thursday (which I cancelled b/c of acupuncture) to tonight, and also had scheduled me for tomorrow.  This threw a wrench (or two) into pre-existing plans I had.  I was supposed to go to a movie meetup tonight to see "Prisoners", which I really want to see, but now I can't.  I need the training session more than the movie!  And tomorrow I had plans with a friend, which I've luckily been able to bump to later in the afternoon to accommodate my morning training session.  Bah.

In summation, my weekend looks to be quite boring.  Trainer tonight then probably just home.  Trainer in the morning, then lunch with a friend.  College football games I'm  interestested in starting at 3:30 and going into the evening.  Group training session on Sunday morning. NFL games on sunday I really want to see.  The end.

Boring, boring, boring.  There is a meetup Saturday night to watch my alma mater's game, but as many times as I consider attending those, I've never actually gone.  Maybe.  Probably not.

Oh well.  Such is life. At least I have a cute new purse and an intriguing looking book to add to my stack of things to read.  Happy Friday.  :-)

Tacos for One

Random thursday posting about random things.

So I did my hair differently this morning.  As a curly head, I have spent countless dollars and hours trying to find the magic combination of product and process.  This morning, through some freak of nature moment, I actually came out of it with good hair.  It's really insanely curly, it's defined, not fuzzy, and I'm kind of impressed.  Will I ever be able to recreate it?  Unlikely.  But for today, I have awesome curly hair that I didn't even touch with a curling iron to "fix" my curls like I often do when I want to look presentable.

Last night I did four consecutive loads of laundry, which was decidedly not fun.  I'd brought up some fallish clothes from storage so they needed to be washed, along with my regularly scheduled dirty clothes and my bathroom rugs.  There was a lot of folding going on in my apartment last night as I watched a variety of nonsense on TV, including Survivor and the season premiere of Law & Order: SVU.  I also repainted my nails, so there's that.

I have acupuncture for the first time in eons tonight at 7pm.  I'm looking forward to it because a) I love my acupuncturist b) I need some stress needles (Thanks, work!) and c) my carpal tunnel needs a touch up treatment.

Originally I had plans to have Artboy over for dinner.  Late last weekend I invited him over for either Monday or Thursday for football and food.  Thursday is what we settled on, so this morning I put chicken breasts in the crockpot for chicken tacos tonight, and I'd also offered up strawberry shortcake as dessert.  So I cleaned up my place a bit, left the apartment with dinner starting it's slow cook, and was extra pleased that I had a good hair day since I was going to have company over in the form of my favorite Artboy.

And then....the plans fell through.  He was supposed to do an art install this afternoon, but because the office movers were in the building, they asked him to come at 5 instead.  So he'll be there until at least nine or ten, and will probably be worn out after. Boo.  He let me know and I was obviously disappointed, but he can't help his weird work schedule, and he has to take the hours when they come.  Sucks.

So tonight I'll go home, go to acupuncture, and come home to a nice soft chicken taco dinner for one.  Will probably go to the gym now since I have no excuse not to, and watch the Thursday night NFL game.  That whole plan loses a little sparkle without Artboy in the picture, I have to say, but I'll make do.

The best laid plans....

Happy thursday.  :-)

Book Musings

So I'm still on my reading spree lately, which I'm happy about.  I continue to be really into John Green books, so I've gone back to read some of his older works to bring myself more up to speed with him.  I recently finished "Paper Towns", which I really enjoyed, and am now reading, "An Abundance of Katherines".  I have to say that so far, I'm not loving that one.  It's kind of boring, and it's just not engaging in the same way.  I'm disappointed, but I guess not every book can be amazing!  Next I want to dig up my copy of "Looking for Alaska" to re-read sooner than later.  I know I really liked that one, and it will be interesting to read it again after reading all of the other John Green books.

I also recently read, "The Never List" by Koethi Zan, which I really enjoyed.  It's a dark book, but it was pretty compelling.

I still have a stack of books to read, and bought a new one on my Kindle the other week called "Eleanor & Park" by Rainbow Rowell.  Read many very good things about it, so that will be coming soon on my reading list.  Not sure what I'll be in the mood for after I finish trudging through "An Abundance of Katherines".  Next week "Doctor Sleep" comes out by Stephen King, which is a sequel of sorts to "The Shining", so I'll definitely be getting that either in Kindle form or hardback. 

Self-Righteousness: It's What's for Breakfast

BEGIN RANT.

Just got into a sweet verbal rumble with someone wherein the conversation bottom lined with her telling me we can't even discuss the subject because I don't have kids so I can't possibly know, and to talk to her when I do have them.

I find that to be one of the most self-righteous, self-important, obnoxious cop-outs to a discussion ever.  Way to be.

I'm not personally hurt because I don't have children, I just find it ignorant to think that I'm not entitled to an opinion because I haven't had a kid.  Pretty sure I'm still an intelligent human being.  Pretty sure my logical thoughts and experiences through friends and family and LIFE may give me some value in a discussion. 

However, it appears I have no leg to stand on here, no baby to hold up as a talisman of my intrinsic value and expertise on a whole slew of subjects.  Learn something new every day.

END RANT.

when the bough breaks

I've been pretty MIA lately around here.  I don't know why.  Every day I think about posting a new blog entry, and things I could/should/want to write about.  But I don't.  I haven't.  I've opened up blank screens with intention, and then not managed to get a single word down.  It feels like my writing parts are broken.  Out of use.  Rusty. 

Last week I had this weird realization about myself.  I've become a self-soother.  A self-healer.  So self-sufficient that I operate like a Bluemoon machine most of the time.  Something breaks, I fix it.  I feel sad/sick/frustrated/depressed/angry and I take care of it.  Depending on the problem, I go for a drive. I  go to the gym.  I take a long bath, or sometimes, sit in the shower to feel the water pound down on me from above, steam rising up in waves around me.  I go shopping.  I write in a paper journal.  I read.  I call my Mom.  I go out with friends, or I don't.  I know what I need as a general rule, and I tend to these things as they come up.

There's no room in my life right now for reliance on others.  It barely even registers as an option anymore. 

Last time I reached out, it failed.  I had a raging migraine and the two people I reached out to were useless.  100% useless.  So I said screw it.  And I went out and undertook measures to ensure that next time I didn't need help.  I got extras of things I could run out of for those times, and I do everything I can in my daily power to avoid the situation in the first place.  Expecting anything from anyone was a mistake, and it made me feel worse in an already horribly painful moment.  Screw it.

I feel like I am generally a pretty happy person lately.  I'm having a lot of fun with friends, enjoying my solo time, and work has been busy.  I'm watching a ton of football, which makes me happy.  I'm reading a lot of books, which pleases me.  Taking care of myself works.  It's a routine. 

But.

A couple of weeks ago, I went out with a guy I'd gone on two dates with awhile back.  We'd stopped talking for awhile, but then he popped back up, and I liked talking to him, so we resumed texting back and forth everyday.  Something about us clicked, and we exchanged random pictures from our days, talked about books and football and randomness.  And finally he suggested we should hang out again.

This time I went out to him, in the Capitol Hill area of DC.  We went to a restaurant and had drinks and food, and we were there for hours.  The alcohol was flowing, and we were flirting like crazy, and kissing.  Afterwards, we wandered through the dark streets to his condo, taking silly pictures on the street corners.  We hung out, just goofing around and being silly drunk people.  By the time I thought to leave, Metro was closed, so I stayed. 

We didn't sleep.  I don't think he sleeps very often, and I don't sleep well in places I don't know.  I was punchy with sleeplessness by the time I headed home the next morning.  We had a good time, and I felt closer to him, and even though it was still weird and didn't make sense, I just appreciated it for what it was.  I appreciated laying close to someone in bed for all those hours, spooning, laughing, joking about ghosts in the intense darkness of his room.  Realizing how terribly uncomfortable it is to fake sleep in jeans.  It was weird, but it was nice.

So last week we decided to hang out again on Saturday night.  He came my way this time.  We had fun for several hours. It was fallish weather, so I made chili that afternoon, and baked brownies.  I used his visit as an excuse to clean my apartment very thoroughly, so everything just felt nice and organized and cozy by the time he arrived.  We ate chili, we watched the end of a college football game I was into.  Then we watched a scary movie since we're both fans, and we had drinks and engaged in generalized silliness.

Then things turned weird, and quickly.  Bottom line, I love flirting with him, I even like kissing him, but the front and center chemistry between us is just off.  It was like we were driving on parallel roads past each other, and like I told him at one point, "Your game just doesn't match my game".  And I didn't mean that in a bad way, just in the way that we didn't match.  It felt forced past a certain point, and I wasn't into it.

He didn't really get the message, or at least didn't take to it very nicely.  He seemed generally the same, but he got a little weird and made some passive aggressive jokes that rubbed me the wrong way.  I decided it was time for him to go, so I scooted him out the door to take him to the Metro.  He was silent in the car.  Seriously, wouldn't speak when spoken to, just shook his head and nodded, once each.  Then he put on headphones.  And then I seriously wanted to reach across him, open the door, and roll his childish self out of my car, but I didn't.  I got him to the Metro, he mumbled "Thanks" and that was the end of it.  We haven't spoken since.

I was pissed.  I was hurt and disillusioned and annoyed for being surprised at how things turned sour.  Sunday I felt zapped of energy.  I slept in.  I woke up, ate some food, watched the first half of the Skins losing, then fell back asleep.  I didn't get dressed, though I did finally shower.  I felt like I was stuck in quicksand, and I didn't have the energy to care much.  It was just one of those days.

Then Artboy texted me.  I didn't care, and ignored it.  Then he IMed me.  Once, twice, and on the third time,without me having responded yet, he asked if I wanted to come over for football and food.  It felt like a life raft on a shitty day at sea.  It was totally unexpected, but exactly what I needed.  I made myself presentable and within a couple of hours I was at his place. 

When I got there I flopped on his couch and he sat down with me and gave me an unsolicited massage.  We joked and laughed, watching the end of one game.  Then we headed out to the grocery store, where we got drinks, and then to pick up food.  We came back to his place and ate.  Watched football.  Flipped back to other things on TV during the commercials. 

Later on he drew me a hot bubble bath.  He has this awesome tub and he knows I'm so fiercely jealous of it.  I luxuriated in this candlelit bubble bath and just relaxed.  It was too hot for him, so he just sat alongside the tub with me and played with my hair, and then just left me in there on my own for awhile.  It was ridiculously relaxing.  We talked about work, art, sports, I even told him about Saturday night because I'm compulsively honest and he asked.  That night with Artboy was EXACTLY what I needed. 

I love when I get to have the boyfriend experience with Artboy.  For whatever reason, I decided to let him in on Sunday when I was feeling blue, and I let him make me feel better.  Every now and again, I can do that.  Every now and again, it works.  As dysfunctional as that relationship can be, sometimes the fact that I've known him for 2.5 years works for us.  We're comfortable together.  On the rare occasions when we do journey out into the real world, I know we look and seem like a couple.  Not the over the top newby couple, but the comfortable, settled couple.  The kind that jokes and is affectionate in the easy way, not the nauseating way.  Sure, it's sort of pretend, but it's sort of not.  That comfort is real.  That familiarity and that affection is true.  We just don't let it out of the box very often in the real world.  Usually we save it for when we're alone.

I guess maybe the fact that I can let Artboy in every now and again is a good sign.  Maybe it means that one day, when the time is right, I will be able to let someone else in.  Someone who can offer more than the occasional boyfriend experience, and instead be an actual full time boyfriend. All hope is not lost.  Right now, though?  99.9% of the time I roll solo.  I take care of myself because I can and because I have to.  I am my own best resource.

Book Update

So I finished "Joyland" and "Why We Broke Up" in about a day combined.  Once I set out to finish them I did. 

I really liked "Why We Broke Up".  It was a book I bought after hearing about it, and I purchased it in hardback because it was one of those books that just feels good.  I liked the touch of the pages, and since it was comprised of a lot of illustrations, it just fit better in the old tried and true format.  It was a sweet story and the illustrations gave it a unique twist that I really enjoyed.

"Joyland" was an entertaining read.  Nothing especially remarkable, but a good story with a bit of heart to it.

After that I read "The Silent Wife" in about two and a half days.  It was....strange.  It was one of those books where I didn't like either of the main characters, which always makes me feel a bit disconnected from the story.  I liked "Gone Girl" much better, but it was a good read nonetheless. 

I veered a bit off path after that and ended up buying, "Heartbreak for Dinner: It's Kind of a Long Story" by Annah Rondon.  She's the author of a now defunct blog, Red Means Go that I followed until it's very recent demise.  I think she's just reached that point where that blog has culminated in this book, and it's time to close one chapter and move forward.  I'm bummed because her blog always made me laugh, but I was glad to have the book to read.  It was alternately hilarious and touching, and the end left me wanting more!  She also does little drawings to go with a lot of her blog entries (and book chapters) and they are awesomely entertaining.  I highly recommend it if it's your kind of thing!

Next up:  "The Never List" by Koethi Zan.  Got a sample of it on my Kindle randomly and was hooked.  Immediately bought it and inserted it into my to be read list, right on top.  Sounds like a good psychological thriller, and I'm really thinking this will be a good one!

This concludes the Bluemoon book discussion post for today.  :-)

I'd rather be reading

I've barely read anything all summer.  For the last couple of months I've picked up and put down the same two books multiple times without ever making any real headway in either of them.  Yesterday I picked one of them up ("Why We Broke Up" by Daniel Handler) and finished it.  Last night I picked up the other ("Joyland" by Stephen King) and I made some good progress on it in my morning commute, and I look forward to reading more over lunch.

Sunday I bought two books online via Amazon:  "Heart-Shaped Box" by Joe Hill and "Locke and Key Vol. 1 Welcome to Lovecraft", also by Joe Hill.  Today on my Kindle I bought "Human Remains" by Elizabeth Haynes and "The Silent Wife" by A.S.A. Harrison.  I also ordered probably a dozen samples of other books, and this doesn't acknowledge the fact that I have two books at home waiting to be read: "The Ocean at the End of the Lane" by Neil Gaiman and "Wool Omnibus Edition" by Hugh Howey. 

I LOVE having this many books waiting to be read.  I love the options.  I love that some are Kindle books, some are real books, some have illustrations, some are short, some are long.  I want to throw myself headfirst back into reading with abandon.  I want to become so immersed in a book that I want to read it every spare second, so entranced that I lose track of time.

I've been so busy with real life things lately.  Baseball games, birthday parties, happy hours, movies, training sessions, dinner dates with girlfriends, brunches.  My calendar has been packed and it's been wonderful and I'm doing so many fun things with so many different people.  I've felt exquisitely happy in the last couple of weeks for any number of reasons, and coincidentally, I've gone on no dates in that time period.  It's just been me, my friends, my solo time, and it's been wonderful.

Last night I stayed in and made homemade macaroni and cheese.  Not good for the waistline, but good for the soul.  I have leftovers for lunch today, and I will eat them while I continue to read "Joyland".  All day long all I've thought about is books, and going home to get my books from Amazon, and what one I will read next.  It's kind of intoxicating to have so many choices!

Finally, my lunch hour is here and I get to go spend an hour somewhere else, in another world, with some awesome food to quell my hunger at the same time.  Happy tuesday, indeed.  :-)

stop the madness

Most people use the summer months as motivation to get in shape.  They envision beaches and pools and bikinis and shorts and cute dresses and think about how they should work to look their best in all of these summery things.  Me?  I look at summer and apparently I get hungry.  And lazy.  And indulgent.  And so I eat with abandon, and I slack on going to the gym, but maybe 3x a week instead of the six I used to.  And it shows!

I weighed myself this morning for the first time in MONTHS.  I'd been avoiding the scale because I knew.  I knew I'd lost ground, and I didn't want to see it in front of me.  But today I did it, and it was bad.  I've gained back all of my weight I'd lost except for 4 lbs.  Boo.  But honestly, it could have been worse. 

I surprised myself because I didn't cry about it.  I didn't immediately start berating myself over my lack of self control.  I didn't collapse into a puddle on my bathroom floor full of self-loathing and disgust.  I saw the number.  I logged the number on myfitnesspal.com, and I got in the shower.  Instead of going down the dark road, I squared my shoulders and took stock of things.

I've cut my working out down by half.  Half as many workouts each week on my own, and only one weekly session with my trainer instead of two. 

I've been eating horribly.  Not only by quantity, but by quality.  I still eat fruit, but not as often.  I still eat vegetables, but way less than before.  I've been drinking a lot less water unless it's post-workout.  My sodium and sugar intake have been off the charts.  I've indulged in fast food a lot this summer.

So yeah.  OBVIOUSLY I've gained weight back.  Obviously my skin is breaking out a little bit more again.  Obviously.  What did I expect?

There are a couple silver linings to this dark cloud of a reality check this morning.  One, in spite of the weight gain, I feel like I don't look as overweight as I did last year at this time.  I think that's because I'm still more toned than I was.  Two, I know how to fix this.  I have all the tools to make it right, to get back on track.  I'm not aimless like I was before.  So I'm going to use those tools to get back on the better road.  I'm starting today.

I had a nice bowl of Fiber One Honey Squares with skim milk for breakfast.  I have a bowl of mixed berries for a snack.  I'm going to get a salad for lunch.  I'm going to drink a TON of water today.

Also?  I'm instituting some new rules for myself. 
1) Every morning when I get into work, I'm going to drink a big glass of water before I eat or drink anything else.  It helps get my water intake off to a good start, it makes me feel a little bit fuller, and it's good for my skin!

2) I'm going to make an effort to stop distracted eating.  This morning I noticed I was just blindly shoveling cereal in while reading news online.  I caught myself and stopped.  I took the time to focus on the rest of the cereal and finished it without distraction.  Distraction while eating equals eating more without needing to. 

3) Back to walking up and down more stairs or escalators instead of just taking the free ride.  Every little bit helps!

4) Back to the gym with a goal of 6x/week again.  If I can't swing trainer more often, I just need to make sure I do the strength and toning workout on my own at home once or twice more a week at least. 

5) Sleep.  I'm going to try to get my sleep habits under control during the week.  I can't be staying up until 2am.  Not only do I end up having more hours to feel like I'm hungry when I'm not, it just leaves me feeling exhausted during the day, and gives me an excuse to skip out on the gym.  Not okay anymore!

Tonight I'm going to the store to pick up a few staples that I need when I'm doing the whole eating better thing.  This will mean more preparation the night before of breakfasts and lunches, and more planning for dinners and snacks.  I will have to stop buying the trigger foods I can't control myself with, and absolutely, positively, without fail continue to track my food intake and exercise for at least a month or so to get back on track.

I can totally do this.  I've done it before, and I know exactly why I've gained the weight back.  I know exactly how to lose it again.  Here I go again.  :-)

trust your instincts

Met the Bass Player in November 2011.  Had one date at a sports bar wherein we watched a Redskins game and ate lunch.  After the date we hugged and he told me he wanted to see me again and that he would call me.I messaged him the next day to thank him for lunch and say hi.  He never replied.  I washed my hands of him and moved forward, as that's the same weekend I met Baltimore.

Several months later, the Bass Player reappears in my inbox.  His message says something about me disappearing on him.  I point out that actually it was the opposite.  He claims to have never gotten the message. I don't believe him, but he somehow cons me into agreeing to go out again.  We make plans, which he asks to reschedule at the last minute.  My red flag radar has been going off weakly since he reappeared, but it ramped up at this point, so I kindly demur from the date.  He tells me it's my loss, and I tell him I don't deal well with big egos.  The end.

Now jump to a couple of weeks ago when the Bass Player re-surfaced AGAIN.  My radar is pinging all over the place now, but my IRL friends are encouraging me to give him a chance again.  Why?  I don't know.  But I decide to try because I'm trying to dispel the notion that I give up on people too quickly. 

So we had our lunch, it was fine, but he is BORING.  Nice guy, but no sense of humor, no dynamic personality, and while he's good looking, there's no actual chemistry.  He tells me at the end of the date he wants to see me again, I tell him I'll be out of town the next weekend, so maybe after that.  We exchange maybe 10 texts over the next few days, none of which had any content.  Never did he ask me anything about myself, or try to pin down another date.  I see him on PoF when I'm online checking my messages, I don't give a shit. 

So yesterday he texts me, "So, are you interested in perusing something with me?"  First of all, I'm pretty sure he meant pursuing, but it made me laugh.  I responded and told him that I would be up for going out again if that's what he meant.  He responds and tells me that it bothers him to see me on PoF "talking to other guys", and that if I like him, I should quit sending him mixed messages.

UMMM.  What?  I point out that we had one lunch date that lasted less than an hour, and that I'd barely heard anything from him since, so I did not imagine we were beholden to one another.  I also pointed out that really he hadn't seemed *that* interested, as he'd not made an effort to get to know me since, or to contact me much. 

He tells me he is interested, but that he thinks it's disrespectful to talk to other people when we're talking.  He then asks how I would feel if I bought him dinner and then he was talking to another girl.  I didn't answer because honestly?  One dinner?  I fully expect in online dating that the people I go out with are talking to others.  It's really kind of stupid to expect otherwise, at least after ONE date.  One lackluster date, btw.  If we'd had some insane chemistry and spent 8 hours together talking in depth and bonding, maybe.  But we had a short lunch.  We hugged goodbye.  THE END.

At this point I'm annoyed and I give him the rundown.  You blew me off the first time we went out, then when we talked months later, you told me it was my loss when I opted out of a date with you.  Now you're giving me grief about talking to other people on a dating site after one lunch date? 

He responded with some bullshit, but the main point he ended on was, "It's okay, actions speak louder than words.  I hope you find what you're looking for."

I replied, "I couldn't agree more.  Take care."

Really what I wanted to say was:  GOOD RIDDANCE YOU RIDICULOUS, DELUSIONAL, RED FLAG RIDDEN ASSHOLE.

Shame on me for ignoring my instincts with him not once, but twice.  But more importantly?  Good riddance to the ridiculous, delusional, red flag ridden asshole. 

;-)

scattered summer mind

So it turns out my focus isn't so great during the summer months.  I started a book over a month ago and have barely picked it up, so I'm not even halfway done.  It takes me a week to get through a magazine.  I've not been a prolific blogger, and I can't really say what I've been doing with my time. 

Right now the weather is gorgeous in the DC area.  Cool, breezy mornings and warm, summery evenings.  I spent Thursday-Sunday last weekend at the beach with a group of six girlfriends.  Two days at the beach, two nights at Seacrets night club, dinners, drinks, bonding, clashing, sleeping.  I've lived alone for two and a half years now, so sharing space with that many people for that long was a bit of a challenge!  I had a good time, though, got some color at the beach (and a sunburn, go figure), danced my ass off one night, and met some random POF guy from the DC area who happened to be in the area that weekend as well. 

Beyond that, it's just the same old, same old.  Trying to get back into the consistent, 5x a week gym routine instead of the slacker 3-4  days I've been doing this summer.  Trying to keep my apartment clean.  Watching summer TV.  Anticipating my trip home to Omaha for Labor Day weekend.  Sifting through the detritus of my dating pool, wondering if I'm going to be single forever.

So many of my friends are living lives full of two and three kids, husbands, houses, adult lives.  And then there's me....my biggest concerns are when I'm going to paint my nails before my next pointless date, and doing all the laundry from my beach trip.  Getting to the gym 5x a week instead of 3, forcing myself to cook occasional dinners rather than eating popcorn as a meal.  On the surface, it sounds easy and like a walk in the park, to only have to worry about myself.  But seriously?  I want to worry about someone else again.  I'm starting to get that frustrated feeling again....I have so much to give and no one to give it to, and it alternately makes me sad and makes me angry.

Sometimes I wish I could settle, but other times I'm glad I don't.  I like being alone, but I'm tired of it.  I want more, but I don't know if I can handle more.  It's a life full of contradictions.  Lately when I see couples being affectionate out in the world I find myself rolling my eyes.  People talk about love and relationships and I tune it out. One of my friends goes on a good date, or finds someone they want to be with in the early stages of a relationship, and I feel bitter and jealous.  It's not fair.

I just want football season.  I want to spend my weekends watching hours of football, making chili, going to the gym and watching more football, donning occasional hoodies, trying to get to games, tucking in to my apartment for the evening.  I need a seasonal shift I think.  I sometimes think I am in no fit state for anything else.

This post went in an entirely different direction than I expected.

Excuse me, your scars are showing

So I'm continuing along on the online dating trail for now, watching the days tick away until my self-imposed break.  I'm not talking to anyone noteworthy at the moment, and am still wondering if the Bass Player (aka the one I kindly referred to as boring) will still be interested in going out again after I get back from being out of town.  In the meantime, I spend a few minutes here and there wandering the sites, perusing the options.

Some profiles are nearly thoughtless, just throwing in the requisite amount of words to get by the dating site minions.  They put two sentences that tell you nothing and then tell you to just ask if you're interested.  Seriously?  That's fiercely lazy.  If you can't bother to put together a single thoughtful paragraph about yourself, why would I expect you to make an effort in anything else?  Unfortunately online dating does require one to sell themselves, at least a little bit.  If you're too good for that, then you're not meant for online dating.

Other profiles are so long and winding and rambling that it's hard to get through.  It's one thing to read a lengthy, well-written, humorous and charming profile.  It's another to read some person's run on thoughts.  The worst are the ranters.  The ones who rant about how fake most of the people are on the site, and how looking for anyone of substance is basically a joke.  Way to show that chip on your shoulder!  I steer way clear of those people. 

My own profile lists a couple of things, but not in a ranting way.  I tell people that I will want to meet them sooner than later, and that I'm not interested in an only online dynamic.  I ask for people who say what they mean and mean what they say, people who have their lives together and are not looking for someone to complete them, but to complement them.  I feel like that is wholly different than going on there and bitching out the entire online dating community about how everyone lies, and how everyone is broken and ridiculous.  I certainly may think those things sometimes, and write them here, but I don't put them on my profile. 

This morning I read a profile that hit me differently.  The main content was fairly non-exceptional, not spectacular writing, pretty basic information.  But at the end he was talking about what he was looking for, and he said, "Someone who will smile not frown and mostly someone who won't cheat ......"

That made me so sad for some reason. I guess I felt like that one little addendum on his profile, that closing sentence, showed me this guy's dating scars.  Clearly he's been cheated on.  And that made me sad. 

We all have our baggage.  No one gets to their 30s without having something to show for it, some past wrong, some hurt we've worked through, some way we've been betrayed.  Sometimes these things show through on people's profiles, and sometimes they come off as desperate or bitter.  Other times they just cause a little twinge of sympathy, of compassion.

It made me think also of an episode of Girls where Shoshanna and Hannah are watching that game show "Baggage" and subsequently discussing their own respective small, medium and large baggage.  I wonder what my baggage would be, and how interesting it would be if everyone had to disclose something similar on their dating profile.  Many people would lie or dodge it, that's for sure.  It's like the people in interviews who say their worst qualities are being TOO organized or TOO detail oriented [DISCLAIMER: I probably did this myself in the past, LOL.].  It's all about the spin.  But some people would tell the truth, and sometimes that would scare people off.  But maybe sometimes having it all laid out there would help.  You'd know what you're getting into.  If only truth were mandated on these sites!

For now I'm left catching glimpses of this baggage through random, unintentional moments like the one I read this morning.  At least that feels honest, which is more than I can say for a lot of the things I've encountered since beginning my online dating adventures.

This guy is probably not my match.  But I sent him a message, anyway, just to say hi.  Because the honesty matters, and it's nice, and it struck a chord.  That merits a hi today.

I went slumming and all I've got to show for it is this hickey

On Friday I went to the movies with some friends.  It was a large group, probably a dozen people.  I knew most of them, but there were a couple newbies.  I ended up seated next to one of them, and I decided quickly that I didn't like her.  Why?  She checked her phone and texted CONSTANTLY throughout the movie.  A horror movie, where the dark theater is important.  Where her huge, gigantic (I know because it's the same phone I have!) phone lit up a section of our row everytime she felt compelled to check the time, or her texts, or respond to something, or check her Facebook.

This is a huge, huge pet peeve of mine.  Why did she even come if she just wanted to go out with her phone?  Stop wasting my money and time with your rudness, please!  When I go to movies I mute my phone and it goes in my purse, where it stays, unchecked for the duration of the movie.  I can be unavailable for 2 hours.  End rant.

Saturday I had a double lined up for the day date-wise.  First up was the Bass Player, who I went out with for the first time over a year and a half ago.  He resurfaced, and because he is really cute, I said what the hell.  We met for lunch in a central location, which was still a hike for me since he lives really far out in VA.  He's still cute, no disputing that, and he's 6'3".  Hello!  Gotta love that.

Lunch was fine.  He's a nice guy.  He works full time and goes to school as well.  He's close with his family, who all live in the area.  He's a huge football fan.  He plays bass, previously in a band, but not currently, and seems great on paper.  Problem?  He just comes off blah to me.  Nice, attractive, like I *should* like him, but so far I'm not getting anything.

After lunch he asked about doing something this coming weekend, but I'll be out of town for a girls weekend, so I told him perhaps the following weekend.  He texted me yesterday to check in and say hi, and to see how my weekend had gone after our lunch.  Nice, right?

Saturday night was my first date with the Starving Artist. Not the same as Artboy!  He's 31, lives in DC, works as a waiter and bartender.  Loves to do art, has many tattoos on his arms, owns a condo and a car somehow.  We'd been talking for about a week, a ton of texting each evening.  Exchanging pics (nothing scandalous!).  We got along really well, so I was excited to meet him.  I knew he wasn't the drop dead gorgeous type, instead he was kind of rumpled and messy and adorable.  Like another artist type I know....

Saturday night we did drinks and dinner and back at my apartment after, we made out a little, and it was nice because the chemistry was pretty good.  He asked about seeing me again, and because of our conflicting schedules and me going out of town this coming weekend, we ended up hanging out again last night for a couple of hours.  More kissing ensued. 

But I realized something about the Starving Artist, in particular as I spent the second evening with him.  He was so insistent before we met that he was not a player.  That the only games he would play with me were board games (ha!).  That while he was dating around now, ultimately he wanted to find one person to date.  We had both already acknowledged with amusement that we didn't fully understand why we clicked, because we're vastly different. 

He's a self-proclaimed slacker with no goals beyond his job as a waiter/bartender.  He does art, but he doesn't try to make any money off of it.  He considers going out drinking twice a week to not be drinking very much.  He says he has no real nice clothes.  His condo is a hot mess, seriously.  I had to make a conscious effort to not look too closely or else it would have compelled me to start cleaning.  And his phone.  It was BLOWING UP and he was alternating between snatching the phone up to look at it, with the display purposefully out of my line of sight, or just checking it and telling me, "Oh, it's the crazy girl from NY", or "I don't even know who that one is from", etc. 

Meanwhile, he owns his condo and because he is an ARTIST, he draws and writes on his walls, and apparently gives others the freedom to do so.  So in addition to his own writings and drawings on there, he showed me a sequence of things that were done by two alternating girls he was dating at the same time, who were each trying to piss the other off with things they wrote on the wall.  WTF?

He was fun to kiss.  He was rumpled and cute.  He complimented my hair, my nails, my body, my whatever, over the course of the time we talked.  He had crazy, weird charm and talent.  But?

He kept saying I was slumming it with him.  That he didn't understand why we got along.  That he gave it two weeks before I realized the error of my ways.  That I am this professional, successful adult and he's just a slacker, and wtf am I doing talking to him.

And you know what?  I protested at first, I told him to stop saying things like that.  But by the time I left last night he'd convinced me.  Not only was I sure that he was a player in spite of his assertions to the contrary, and was I sure that he is a big fan of the game playing, but he'd also convinced me that he was right about the other stuff.  He is a big child.  He can't be bothered to pick up his apartment even a little before a date comes over.  He uses his walls like a diary. 

I left and he walked me to my car, which was nice.  He asked, "Should I call you before you go out of town Thursday?"  At this point I was still somehow not decided on being done with him, so I told him, "Why wouldn't we talk before that?"  He shrugged and said, "Will we?  Okay.  But probably not tomorrow."  Huh?  Games people play, I guess.

I was halfway home when I got a text from him.  "You left your little jacket here, I'm sure so you have an excuse to come back.  ;-)"

I was pissed.  I love my little short-sleeved Nike hoodie.  I responded, "Not on purpose.  Damn, I really like that hoodie."

Him:  "I'll just keep it.  It smells nice.  :-)"

Me, feeling annoyed, knowing I will probably never see this kid again:  "They still sell it, I'll just get another one.  Stupid to bring it, anyway."

Two (sort of) dates, some good kissing, some awesome flirting, some unexpected chemistry....but all I get out of it is being down a hoodie and up two super classy hickies on my neck.  Where's my cover-up???

smile like you mean it

Today I'm all fake smiles.  I don't know why.  I was going to take a selfie to send to Artboy, as we often exchange such things.  I tried, but the smile in the picture was so fake.  I feel ugly right now.  I can't work around it.  I regret the dress I wore today even though I got compliments on it.  I feel like my hair is a mess even though I got compliments on it as well.  And my skin?  Well, my skin is a legitimate disaster.  I am so crazy broken out right now.  It makes me so frustrated, and so I am chugging water, and tonight I'm going to switch out my stupid pillowcases again, and I've been religious about using my facial cleanser and treatments the last several days.  As soon as I conquer one or two, two more pop up and it's pissing me off.  I feel fiercely unattractive, and knowing that I have a supposed date on Saturday makes it worse.  I do NOT want to show up like this.  I'm working hard to try to improve the situation before that.

Last night I went home and fell asleep on the couch until almost 10pm.  I've been doing this too often lately.  I think it's all a vicious cycle.  I've been working out less, eating worse, going to sleep too late.  Ultimately I'm just not taking good care of myself, and my body is showing it both in appearance and behavior.  I have to do better.  I am old enough to know better. 

I need to drink a ton of water. I need to stop eating so much damn sugar, eat more lean meats and proteins and veggies.  I need to get better sleep.  Keep with my gym routine.  I just need to do better.  I feel better when I do better, I need to keep reminding myself.

I think the heat is also not helping this week.  My commute home is just gross.  Hot trains, hot bus stops, being soaked in sweat by the time I get home.  Not cool.  It's draining, too.  Last night I was supposed to cook myself dinner, do laundry, go to the gym.  Instead I slept.  Now all of those plans have been bumped to tonight instead and I have no choice but to just buckle down and do them.  No more stupid evening long naps.  If I fueled my body with actual food instead of carbs and sugar, I wouldn't be so tired!  Argh, I'm frustrated with myself.

This is a ranty post and I didn't really mean it to be.

Sidenote:  Tattooed Guy disappeared, essentially stomping away with his toys ages ago.  He has a chip on his shoulder about people judging him based on his appearance, and no ability to at least admit that he's made it challenging at best with all of the 50 thousand ways he's altered his body and appearance.  He was a big old victim, and it was a huge turn off.

strawberry afternoons

I entitled this post the way I did because I have a really delightful batch of strawberries waiting to become my afternoon snack, and I couldn't think of anything else.  That's sufficient, right?

I am madly obsessed with the group Ms Mr lately.  They feel very Florence + the Machine and Lana del Rey to me, and I like it.  The songs "Fantasy" and "Think of Me" are getting a lot of play on my ipod lately. I also quite randomly discovered this group called Mackintosh Braun via the wonders of Grey's Anatomy season 7 or 8, whichever one I'm currently catching up on via Hulu Plus.  One song was super catchy, so I checked out the album and kind of loved it.  "Could it Be" & "Familiar" are my current, preliminary favorites, but there are others I really like on there, too.

I had a date last Wednesday that went well enough to merit a second date, but the second date killed it.  The little bit of attraction I felt Wednesday totally disappeared by Saturday, and conversation was more challenging, and it felt off.  He didn't get the same vibe apparently, as he texted me yesterday about getting together for dinner this week, and I had to send him THE MESSAGE.  You know, the one where I delicately untangle myself from the situation without too much drama.  Hope I handled it okay, as there's just never a good way to say that.

The friend of a friend I went out with a couple of weeks ago also resurfaced this morning.  He's been in El Salvador with his family for 10 days and returns tomorrow night, so he touched base to ask me out for dinner Friday or Saturday.  Sigh.  That one's awkward.  He's a super nice guy.  I really like him.  But he's 42.  He has grown kids basically (14 & 18).  I don't think he's looking for more.  I'm not sure I want kids, but I don't want the option ruled out.  Beyond that, he smokes, which is a total dealbreaker for me, and he parties way more than I do.  I can't keep up, I don't want to have to try, and I guess ultimately I want an adult who doesn't need to be go go going 24/7.  So now I'm going to have to gently extricate myself from that, which I hope will be easy enough because he's an easygoing, happy guy and we have a lot of mutual friends.

To finish the dating subject for this post, I am talking to one more person currently, have been for a few days.  He's another artist type.  I know, I know!  But he claims he's not a tortured artist type, and he's really cute in pics, and we've been exchanging pics via text every day.  Just random, fun things and I like it.  He's flirty and fun and well spoken and interesting, and currently the plan is to meet up Saturday.  That seems fairly far away right now, but hopefully it will stick.  He wanted to meet Thursday, but I have my trainer that night, so Saturday it is.

Work has been hectic lately, including a last minute, ridiculously poorly planned thing that happened this weekend that required me to work from home for awhile on Sunday.  It's still unfolding, but I'm currently in a holding pattern waiting for my next piece of the puzzle to be sent my way. But I did get lots of thanks for handling the initial crunch on Sunday, which was nice.

Had a regular old physical yesterday morning for the first time in a couple of years.  Got bloodwork done and should get results on Thursday.  Will be interested to see my cholesterol readings and all that jazz now that I'm old.  :-)

There's some family health stuff going on right now back in Omaha, but I don't feel like getting into the details.  Needless to say it's causing some stress and anxiety amongst the family, but really all we can do is just wait and see where things go next.  It's just easier right now to focus on dating nonsense and work nonsense and catchy music.  I am seriously overtired, though, as I keep staying up too late.  Maybe tonight I will make it my goal to try to crash early.  I need to do a load of laundry, and I need to go to the gym, and I want to make dinner, but that's it.  Reasonable bedtime is doable if I get home, throw laundry in while I'm making dinner and hit the gym around 8-9.  We shall see.

I got a bunch of delicious vegetables at the grocery store this weekend, so tonight I think I may be having some of those with whatever main entree I decide upon.  Should be tasty.  :-)

That's all I know for now, so I'm going to go have some strawberries.  Strawberry afternoon, indeed.

September 2nd

So I've decided on something with regards to this whole online dating business.  I've been doing it for too long.  I recognize too many of the faces.  I've gone out on too many dates.  I am becoming a long-timer on some of these various sites, and even that is not cool. 

Subsequently, as of September 2nd I'm going to delete my accounts.  Labor Day.  I'm not saying I will never do online dating again.  I'm just saying that from the period of September 2nd until at the very least January 1, 2014, I will not participate in it anymore.  I will pull myself away from the mixed bag that is this universe.  It makes me roll my eyes and laugh out loud, but also just makes me feel really sad sometimes.  It offers shallow validation and attention when I'm feeling lonely, but it's all superficial.  It's not making my world any better.

I'm going to let the rest of the summer pass as it's going now, and I'll go out on dates if I feel like it, and I won't if I don't.  I won't change anything yet.  But when Labor Day weekend rolls around, no matter whether I've found any measure of dating success or not, I'm closing up shop for awhile.  No deactivating, no profile hiding.  Deletion all the way.

So there we have it.  I have 54 more days of online dating for lightning to strike.  Come on, world.  Bring it!

11 inches of boring

I fear that my time in the online dating world is nearing its expiration date.  I'm immersing myself in it this summer with the idea that it's the season for new experiences, new people and possibilities. But I'm also learning that with such great exposure comes some accompanying perils.

I recognize a lot of the people on the sites.  They probably recognize me.  This makes me sad.

Old ghosts frequently come back to haunt me.  People who blew me off originally.  People I've turned down or opted out of or avoided.  People I've blocked.  People I dated two or three times, but it didn't work out.  They come back.

I don't go back.  Once the door closes, it closes for good when it comes to online dating people that I barely knew.  I'm not going back for seconds.  And someone who basically told me no?  I'd never try that again!  But these guys are bold.  They do come back.

A couple of days ago I got a message from a guy I went out with once a couple months ago.  He was boring and told me personal trainers were a waste of time, and people should be able to get in shape on their own.  He was also a short little thing. 

Later he texts me, and I had to ask who it was because I have a habit of deleting contacts I'm mentally done with.  He told me who he was, and I had to tell him I didn't think we were a good match....because apparently that wasn't obvious when I never talked to him again after meeting him?  Sigh.

Then yesterday some guy messaged me, and his profile picture was some random picture of a robot.  I read his message and immediately got a creepy, familiar vibe.  I had this weird inclination that he was a reincarnation of a guy I'd previously talked to who created a secondary profile after I'd turned him down the first time, and who seriously creeped me out.  Turns out I was right.  I had to block the THIRD profile because this effing creeper keeps popping back up.

Meanwhile, some new guy started messaging me the other night.  I made the apparently poor choice of asking when his last relationship was, and he told me, and said it ended when they took things into the bedroom.  I didn't want details, so I just said it sounded like a mismatch.  He then declared that she just couldn't handle his size, and went on to tell me that 11 inches is just a lot for any woman to handle...but the length wasn't the issue for her, it was the girth.

SERIOUSLY?  WTF, mate.  First of all, throw me in the pool who can't handle that shit, because it sounds horrifying.  Second, you couldn't turn me off more than by repeatedly mentioning the specific length of your junk. 

OH WAIT.

You can.  Offer to send me a picture of it to help me get my mind around it.  I declined.  Dick pics are never cute, sir.  Those things are for function, not to be pretty.

Sigh.

I am talking to a couple possibly interesting people, but come on.  This is ridiculous.

I am getting really, really, really, REALLY tired of online dating, and random dates that go nowhere, and perverted, presumptuous men.  If you smoke, I don't want you.  If you want to send me a dick pic before we meet (or really, ever), I don't want you.  If you want me to guarantee I'll take off some item of clothing for you on a second date, I don't want you.  If you're boring, I don't want you.  If you are a liar, I don't want you. WHO IS LEFT?

Happy tuesday.  :-D