smile like you mean it

Today I'm all fake smiles.  I don't know why.  I was going to take a selfie to send to Artboy, as we often exchange such things.  I tried, but the smile in the picture was so fake.  I feel ugly right now.  I can't work around it.  I regret the dress I wore today even though I got compliments on it.  I feel like my hair is a mess even though I got compliments on it as well.  And my skin?  Well, my skin is a legitimate disaster.  I am so crazy broken out right now.  It makes me so frustrated, and so I am chugging water, and tonight I'm going to switch out my stupid pillowcases again, and I've been religious about using my facial cleanser and treatments the last several days.  As soon as I conquer one or two, two more pop up and it's pissing me off.  I feel fiercely unattractive, and knowing that I have a supposed date on Saturday makes it worse.  I do NOT want to show up like this.  I'm working hard to try to improve the situation before that.

Last night I went home and fell asleep on the couch until almost 10pm.  I've been doing this too often lately.  I think it's all a vicious cycle.  I've been working out less, eating worse, going to sleep too late.  Ultimately I'm just not taking good care of myself, and my body is showing it both in appearance and behavior.  I have to do better.  I am old enough to know better. 

I need to drink a ton of water. I need to stop eating so much damn sugar, eat more lean meats and proteins and veggies.  I need to get better sleep.  Keep with my gym routine.  I just need to do better.  I feel better when I do better, I need to keep reminding myself.

I think the heat is also not helping this week.  My commute home is just gross.  Hot trains, hot bus stops, being soaked in sweat by the time I get home.  Not cool.  It's draining, too.  Last night I was supposed to cook myself dinner, do laundry, go to the gym.  Instead I slept.  Now all of those plans have been bumped to tonight instead and I have no choice but to just buckle down and do them.  No more stupid evening long naps.  If I fueled my body with actual food instead of carbs and sugar, I wouldn't be so tired!  Argh, I'm frustrated with myself.

This is a ranty post and I didn't really mean it to be.

Sidenote:  Tattooed Guy disappeared, essentially stomping away with his toys ages ago.  He has a chip on his shoulder about people judging him based on his appearance, and no ability to at least admit that he's made it challenging at best with all of the 50 thousand ways he's altered his body and appearance.  He was a big old victim, and it was a huge turn off.