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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

scattered summer mind

So it turns out my focus isn't so great during the summer months.  I started a book over a month ago and have barely picked it up, so I'm not even halfway done.  It takes me a week to get through a magazine.  I've not been a prolific blogger, and I can't really say what I've been doing with my time. 

Right now the weather is gorgeous in the DC area.  Cool, breezy mornings and warm, summery evenings.  I spent Thursday-Sunday last weekend at the beach with a group of six girlfriends.  Two days at the beach, two nights at Seacrets night club, dinners, drinks, bonding, clashing, sleeping.  I've lived alone for two and a half years now, so sharing space with that many people for that long was a bit of a challenge!  I had a good time, though, got some color at the beach (and a sunburn, go figure), danced my ass off one night, and met some random POF guy from the DC area who happened to be in the area that weekend as well. 

Beyond that, it's just the same old, same old.  Trying to get back into the consistent, 5x a week gym routine instead of the slacker 3-4  days I've been doing this summer.  Trying to keep my apartment clean.  Watching summer TV.  Anticipating my trip home to Omaha for Labor Day weekend.  Sifting through the detritus of my dating pool, wondering if I'm going to be single forever.

So many of my friends are living lives full of two and three kids, husbands, houses, adult lives.  And then there's me....my biggest concerns are when I'm going to paint my nails before my next pointless date, and doing all the laundry from my beach trip.  Getting to the gym 5x a week instead of 3, forcing myself to cook occasional dinners rather than eating popcorn as a meal.  On the surface, it sounds easy and like a walk in the park, to only have to worry about myself.  But seriously?  I want to worry about someone else again.  I'm starting to get that frustrated feeling again....I have so much to give and no one to give it to, and it alternately makes me sad and makes me angry.

Sometimes I wish I could settle, but other times I'm glad I don't.  I like being alone, but I'm tired of it.  I want more, but I don't know if I can handle more.  It's a life full of contradictions.  Lately when I see couples being affectionate out in the world I find myself rolling my eyes.  People talk about love and relationships and I tune it out. One of my friends goes on a good date, or finds someone they want to be with in the early stages of a relationship, and I feel bitter and jealous.  It's not fair.

I just want football season.  I want to spend my weekends watching hours of football, making chili, going to the gym and watching more football, donning occasional hoodies, trying to get to games, tucking in to my apartment for the evening.  I need a seasonal shift I think.  I sometimes think I am in no fit state for anything else.

This post went in an entirely different direction than I expected.

7 comments:

  1. Ditto this.

    "painting my nails before my next worthless date" so damn true!!!! I'm so sick of the worthless dating, and yet if you are not "out there" people like to pass judgement, as if I haven't been dating in attempts to find someone for the last, oh I don't know, FOREVER!

    The longer I'm single, the more selfish I've become. I'm totally okay with it, but I see friends of mine with kids and think "ugh, I don't know how you can do that" because I need to much me time. Even if its to do absolutely nothing and read blogs for a couple hours in the morning or whatever it is I do online.

    I tend to get quite the jealous and bitter feelings when I see other people in new relationships. Like WTF? They've been single for 5 minutes and are already committed! I don't know what to do about this feeling, so I just tend to ignore it.

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    1. Yeah, I'm trying not to be TOO much of that jealous person, but it can be really hard sometimes.

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  2. Ditto to what Danielle said about becoming more selfish the longer I'm single. I'd like to share my life with a man at some point, but only if he gives me lots of space. Because now that I'm 30 and have never had a serious relationship, I don't really know HOW to share my life.

    But I think we're doing ourselves a disservice by calling it "selfish". After all, if I only have myself to worry about, how can it be selfish? Who else can I look out for, realistically?

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    1. You know, that's a good point about the term "selfish". I think I just have started feeling that way b/c some of my friends with kids and significant others always act like my life is so indulgent on my own...which I guess perhaps by comparison it is? My time is mine and mine alone, which is a plus, but also lonely!

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    2. I agree it can be lonely, but I'm trying more and more to stop feeling guilty about it! Those with spouses and kids might comment how indulgent my life is, but it's probably coming from a place of jealousy. Meanwhile, we want their hectic scattered lives :)

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  3. Ugh I've been getting the same angry/jealous feelings lately when I see couples or even just my friends coupled up lately. I just keep thinking WHEN is it my turn?!?

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