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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

trust your instincts

Met the Bass Player in November 2011.  Had one date at a sports bar wherein we watched a Redskins game and ate lunch.  After the date we hugged and he told me he wanted to see me again and that he would call me.I messaged him the next day to thank him for lunch and say hi.  He never replied.  I washed my hands of him and moved forward, as that's the same weekend I met Baltimore.

Several months later, the Bass Player reappears in my inbox.  His message says something about me disappearing on him.  I point out that actually it was the opposite.  He claims to have never gotten the message. I don't believe him, but he somehow cons me into agreeing to go out again.  We make plans, which he asks to reschedule at the last minute.  My red flag radar has been going off weakly since he reappeared, but it ramped up at this point, so I kindly demur from the date.  He tells me it's my loss, and I tell him I don't deal well with big egos.  The end.

Now jump to a couple of weeks ago when the Bass Player re-surfaced AGAIN.  My radar is pinging all over the place now, but my IRL friends are encouraging me to give him a chance again.  Why?  I don't know.  But I decide to try because I'm trying to dispel the notion that I give up on people too quickly. 

So we had our lunch, it was fine, but he is BORING.  Nice guy, but no sense of humor, no dynamic personality, and while he's good looking, there's no actual chemistry.  He tells me at the end of the date he wants to see me again, I tell him I'll be out of town the next weekend, so maybe after that.  We exchange maybe 10 texts over the next few days, none of which had any content.  Never did he ask me anything about myself, or try to pin down another date.  I see him on PoF when I'm online checking my messages, I don't give a shit. 

So yesterday he texts me, "So, are you interested in perusing something with me?"  First of all, I'm pretty sure he meant pursuing, but it made me laugh.  I responded and told him that I would be up for going out again if that's what he meant.  He responds and tells me that it bothers him to see me on PoF "talking to other guys", and that if I like him, I should quit sending him mixed messages.

UMMM.  What?  I point out that we had one lunch date that lasted less than an hour, and that I'd barely heard anything from him since, so I did not imagine we were beholden to one another.  I also pointed out that really he hadn't seemed *that* interested, as he'd not made an effort to get to know me since, or to contact me much. 

He tells me he is interested, but that he thinks it's disrespectful to talk to other people when we're talking.  He then asks how I would feel if I bought him dinner and then he was talking to another girl.  I didn't answer because honestly?  One dinner?  I fully expect in online dating that the people I go out with are talking to others.  It's really kind of stupid to expect otherwise, at least after ONE date.  One lackluster date, btw.  If we'd had some insane chemistry and spent 8 hours together talking in depth and bonding, maybe.  But we had a short lunch.  We hugged goodbye.  THE END.

At this point I'm annoyed and I give him the rundown.  You blew me off the first time we went out, then when we talked months later, you told me it was my loss when I opted out of a date with you.  Now you're giving me grief about talking to other people on a dating site after one lunch date? 

He responded with some bullshit, but the main point he ended on was, "It's okay, actions speak louder than words.  I hope you find what you're looking for."

I replied, "I couldn't agree more.  Take care."

Really what I wanted to say was:  GOOD RIDDANCE YOU RIDICULOUS, DELUSIONAL, RED FLAG RIDDEN ASSHOLE.

Shame on me for ignoring my instincts with him not once, but twice.  But more importantly?  Good riddance to the ridiculous, delusional, red flag ridden asshole. 

;-)

13 comments:

  1. WTF? He is delusional! He won't man up and ask you out, he puts the responsibility on you to have another date, and then gets pissy because you don't want to be in an official relationship with him? What planet is he living on?

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    1. RIGHT? Something is off with this guy. What a totally, completely delusional way of looking at things. Also? In order to see that I'm online TALKING TO OTHER GUYS, he has to be online. Hypocrite much?

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  2. For real??? Delusional. NEXT!

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  3. Um yes, shame on you. And shame on your friends. Look, YOU know what's best FOR YOU! You're friends were not on that date, and while you can appreciate some constructive criticism or whatever, you weren't that into it. I bet they love to hear all about your dating life over drinks then go back to their husbands afterwards, not even giving half an ounce of a fuck about the advice they gave you. I'm not trying to make your friends seem like bad people, I know my dearest friends do the same thing, but in the end, most of my married or coupled up friends haven't been on the dating scene like we have in years. In fact they may have been able to skip that entire horrible online dating scene for the most part.

    That's why when two of my closest friends told me to give that last IT nerdy guy another chance, I was like, no sorry. I already knew I wasn't going to go there. Their input didn't change it, and I'm glad.

    If you don't like what a guy is putting down, you need to say something via message or whatever before you go out with him. Why not be picky on certain things? The last dude that wasn't engaging me in conversation I called him out. I don't give a shit anymore about "being nice" in order to get a man and neither should you, especially when these "men" and acting like children. I'm me, and that's it. Take it or leave it.

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    1. You are right, shame on me for sure. Yes, my instincts have led me astray, but when I have a bad/off feeling about someone, I should go with it. I KNEW something was off with him.

      I should just take your advice and start being really honest about this stuff with these guys. What do I have to lose?

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  4. REALLY? WHAT A FREAK!!!!! Trust those instincts. And, he is a jealous weirdo.

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    1. Totally a jealous weirdo. Next time I'm going with my gut.

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  5. Oh dear gods... Yeah, definitely get rid of that one. You gave him how many chances and he's going to act like that... OI!

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    1. Too many chances, that's for sure!

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  6. I'm more puzzled by your friends suggesting you meet up with him than anything else. It was clear he was a loser. It's funny, a couple of my friends think I'm too friendly and maybe could be more (initially) selective, but you take it to another level. I kinda admire it. You certainly have more patience with people than I do.

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    1. Yeah, I don't know...I think I've been doing this for so long that people figure I must be exaggerating or something when I recount bad dates. I need to learn to factor in my own judgment a little more instead of being peer pressured into further bad dates, LOL.

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