Thursday, September 6, 2012

What's your damage, Heather?

Today is one of those days where I am considering the fact that I signed up for an 8 week boot camp class and wondering what the eff is wrong with me. Why am I willingly subjecting myself to such torture, and at 9 am on eight consecutive Saturdays, no less?

Yesterday I had one of those weird epiphanies as I trudged into my apartment post-workout:

All I do lately is work out.  Exercise.  Get put through the paces by my trainer for an hour.  Put myself through the paces at the gym for an hour.  Come home and worry about what to eat, if it's enough, if it's too much.  Did I drink enough water?  What will I do for lunch tomorrow?  Should I take Thursday off from working out, or do I keep the momentum going?  Will I ever have a date again?

One of these things is not like the other.....

So it's been a week and change since this new REGIME has been in place.  I'm doing well.  I'm doing really well and I know it.  Some days it feels easier and I am full of energy and anticipation.  Other days it's harder and it all feels like work and I just want a nap.  Last night I actually got to sleep before midnight, which I desperately needed.  All of this exercise is wearing me out! 

It took me awhile to get moving last night after getting home.  I laid about uselessly, wondering if I could take the night off from the gym.  I watched DVR.  I ate dinner.  I felt unenthusiastic.  I felt a little sad about the date that wasn't going to be anymore. 

I laid on my bed and cried.  Just for a few minutes.  I cried about how hard this whole change has been, and how tired I was.  But mostly I cried because I am tired of being lonely.  I miss having a person.  Sure, I'm strong and independent and driven and motivated and pretty awesome all on my own.  No, I don't *need* a person to get by.  But it sure would be nice.

I'm making these changes for me.  I'm doing these things, breaking my own patterns, to better myself.  I want to feel better, to know I'm in better shape, to know I'm taking better care of myself.


BUT.  I want it for some selfish reasons, too.  I want to show my exes, in particular the one who told me I would be more attractive if I lost weight, that I am working my ass off to get a tight, in shape little body that he will NEVER TOUCH AGAIN.  I want it so I can be happy to pose for pictures again, and to update my dating profiles with my newly sculpted self, and to feel like a rockstar when they want me.  I want Artboy to do his Artboy thing, surfacing and meandering from relevance, unaware of all the work I'm doing, and to see me next time, whenever that may be, and to appreciate the changes I've been working towards.

I want it to be noticed.  I want it to be appreciated.  I want to make some people jealous, some people regretful, some people feel like they are lucky to get to touch me.  I want to know that all of my hard work has been worth it.  I want to know that this time the weight is gone because I worked it off, instead of being so devastated by a crumbling marriage that I stopped eating and dropped 20 lbs. from grief.

These are going to be happy losses.  Well deserved and hard earned losses.  Each pound that I drop will be not only physical weight, but emotional weight, something I've carried around that's brought me down.  Each inch that disappears will take with it some past hurt, some suggestion that I'm not enough, I'm not right, I'm not worth it. I want to lose the dead weight and tighten up to bring all of the good in closer, closer to the surface, no longer hiding in the shadows of self-doubt and inadequacy.

In the last year I made a huge leap and got myself into a career that I love, at an employer that I love, working with people I really enjoy.  The work piece of the puzzle finally clicked into place.  Now I'm working on the personal aspect of the puzzle, the Bluemoon piece.  One puzzle piece at a time, and I'm coming together.  I'm becoming who I want to be. 

Maybe once I get that puzzle piece fitting properly, the other pieces will come easier.  If I'm happy with two major parts of my life, one being the most fundamentally important...myself...then maybe the rest will flow my way.

I have to be happy with me before I can be happy with someone else.  I am getting closer and closer, and if the right person came along tomorrow, I think I could figure it out.  But if it takes awhile, it takes awhile.  True progress can't be rushed, and all the best things are worth waiting for.

Yes, I cried for my loneliness for a moment or three last night.  But I'm still here.  And I'm worth it for the right person, and I don't want anything less.  I am stronger than I used to be, getting stronger each day.

What's your damage, Bluemoon?

My damage is dwindling.  I'm climbing up, some days fighting harder than others, but climbing nonetheless.


  1. I say let your haters be your motivators. Seriously, who says that? eff them. That's really awful but it sounds like you're turning it into a positive and bettering your life. I think the fact you got the work piece is HUGE. Most people don't/can't find that so when times feel tough, try and look at the one piece you have accomplished because that, in and of itself, is something to be really proud of. The rest will come :)

  2. Let them eat their hearts out!

  3. @Ames & @Sarah: I'm glad that didn't come off sounding so bad. Sometimes I think about it and it sounds so petty, but it's true....I'm just admitting it!

    Let my haters be my motivators and let them eat their hearts out...that's some serious wisdom to keep close. :)

  4. The best revenge is living well... and looking awesome. Just sayin'. I know the rest is tough and it's totally OK to cry about that from time to time.

  5. The best revenge is looking good and moving on. Perhaps you started this with the intention of getting back at a particular ex, but what will keep you going on this path is you, and you alone. You have to make this change just for you. Even if you are having moments of doubt, moments of weakness, whatever you want to call it, you should be proud of yourself for the dedication you've put in already.

    Those Saturday classes, thats your time to focus on you, and nothing else. Be extremely selfish, and don't feel guilty about it.

  6. @Ames: True. True, true.
    @Danielle: This seems to be the running theme in my comments on this post! :) I actually started with the intention of doing this for myself because I was tired of feeling out of shape, but the rest is definitely a perk..and a motivator.

    I definitely have days where this is easier and days where its harder, but I'm pushing forward nonetheless. Thank you!