Friday, September 7, 2012

Tricky, Tricky

I've been reminded of something troubling in the last couple of days.  It's something I'd forgotten, though when it re-surfaced I wondered how I managed that.

Loneliness is a tricky thing.  It makes you feel nostalgic for "good" times that were probably not as good as you're imagining.  You find yourself missing people that are wrong for you. Bad for you.  People who don't want you, and people who you really don't want.

Last night I suddenly had this moment where I intensely missed my ex.  The angry ex.  The one who told me I'd be more attractive if I lost weight.  The ex from the relationship that left me feeling more insecure and inadequate than I'd ever felt in my entire life.

WTF is wrong with me?  Am I that desperate for companionship that I romanticize *that*?

I tried to shake it off.  I tried to re-direct my attention.  I thought of Baltimore, the safe, strange guy from the winter and spring, and hell, even a bit of the summer.  The one who, when I stopped reaching out to him, I haven't heard from since.  I thought of Artboy.  The one who is always there, even if he's in the background. 

But Artboy pissed me off a little yesterday, and I didn't want to think about him, unless I was thinking about how I hoped he would let me be for a few days, and if I wanted to leave him hanging when he does reach out.

I'm still texting the last guy from the list the other day.  Two nights ago, I was mildly interested again.  Last night, bored.  Today, he called me buddy in a text.  Today, I am turned off.  Apparently so is he.  Buddy???

My focus is a bit muddled today.  My world feels pretty small, and I have to admit it's disconcerting.  I don't like it.  When my world is small I think too much.  I have too much time to feel lonely.  I have ill advised thoughts about people I shouldn't, and the thought crosses my mind...what if I reached out?  What if I just said hi?

I'm that lonely for someone familiar.  Someone comfortable, even if it's all wrong.  The only place I can imagine getting that kind of feeling is from one of my exes, and that's wrong.  And I find it further troubling that the one I think most of in this moment is the one who was most damaging to my emotional well being.  The one who can be unbelievably kind and warm and comforting when it suits him, but if you wrong him in any perceived fashion, he strikes you to your core.  He goes for the jugular and knows exactly how to hurt you most, and he does it. 

I can't have that.  I can't bring that back.  But I swear to God, even knowing all of that, even being cognizant of how toxic he ultimately is, I keep thinking of the good parts of him, and missing the easy times, and curling up with him, feeling the presence of a warm body I could touch as I wanted, without hesitation, without overanalysis, without reproach.  A hand on a soft t-shirt, another hand entwined with his, the smell of someone else's shampoo and cologne, sleeping in the crook of an arm, feeling safe and present.

It's all an illusion.  It's based on something unhealthy and wrong, and even when it was good, it was unhealthy. 

I have to remind myself of that.  I have to add it to the list of things I need to be strong against. 

Today I feel weak.  I need to bolster myself up somehow.  I need to keep my hands out of the cookie jar, my mind in the present, my clarity in tact.  I need to find a way to be okay with being alone.  Still. is a tricky, tricky thing.


  1. Loneliness is the worst and I believe it actually can kill people, at least, shorten lives. I feel lonely a lot and when it's palpable, I just want to curl up in bed and cry it out. I get it.

    I will say: I think it's good you have nostalgic thoughts about your ex who (sounds like) was a total ass. To mark someone or something as all good or all bad can be really insidious, IMO, and it's good that you can see the good and bad, even in people who really wronged you. I will also say: Please don't reach out to him. Keep the toxic out. You'll likely be far worse off bringing back in someone shitty vs. waiting it out for the right person whilst feeling the aches of loneliness. I feel like people like that don't tend to change and no one should ever make you feel less than - especially when you're dating them.

  2. The memories we keep of ex's seem to only be of the 'good' variety. Don't contact him, as you may be feeling weak now, you'll regret it later, very much so. If anything, remind yourself that he is not thinking about you, so why should you waste time thinking about him? When I get lonely, I will watch a HBO series, go to yoga, or just go to sleep early.

  3. ex's are exs for a reason... remember that. loneliness can be difficult but why not take this time and do YOU? do what YOU want to do.... it's all about YOU. spend time with friends and family, workout, go shopping. there are many people who are in relationships and miserable (i was in one of those for a long time) and i'd much rather be happy and alone than with someone and unhappy.

  4. @Danielle: This is very true. It's so easy to romanticize things once you're out of them for awhile. I won't contact him. I promise. I just had this really weird, random moment of weakness. I had to prove it to myself that you were right, though...reminding myself that he's moved on, he's with someone else, and he's not thinking of me, so why would I waste time on him?

  5. @Kathy: Truer words were never spoken, LOL. Trust me, I'm focusing on me hardcore right now. This post was written in a weird moment of weakness, but all I've done lately is my own thing, and it's really nice actually. And like you mentioned, I am firmly of the belief that I would rather be on my own than in a bad relationship or even one that was okay, but ultimately not right. That's why I remain single right now...I don't want to settle for less than what I want.