Filling the Void

My world got kind of quiet in the last few days since I deleted my dating profiles.  It's weird.  As much as those notifications annoyed me at times, I admit that the ego boost was nice.  The attention was nice.  Even if I didn't want to go out with 98% of the people I heard from, it was good to be reminded every day that I was there, and that someone wanted to know me.  Since I booted both accounts into oblivion, things have gotten quiet.

It's hard to fill the void. 

Sometimes I'm so frustrated at the people I've had in my life.  I'm pissed that they've put me into positions where I've had to cut them out of my life.  I keep whittling these bad people out, and I know that's a good thing for me in the big picture.  But sometimes it makes me feel very lonely. 

I had to return to the city where I lived with angry Ex on Saturday for the birthday party of a friend's 2 year old son.  I go out that way on occasion, but I stick to the periphery as a general rule, and that seems to  be okay.  But this time I had to drive through the city, and I found myself struck with paranoia about encountering the ex at a light or soemthing.  I was RIGHT outside his (once OUR) neighborhood, and it was alarming, quite honestly.  I felt nauseated by the proximity, and luckily, this was after the event, and not before.

The further I drove away from him, the better I felt.  Toxic.  He is toxic.  I'm angriest with him for putting this pit in my stomach that won't go away.  I had a dream this weekend and he was in it.  He's like a bad penny I can't get rid of.

Changing subjects....in the interest of trying to continually broaden my horizons a bit, I attended a movie meetup group on Friday night.  As usual, only a slim group of those who RSVPed actually showed up.  In this case, it was me and two guys.  Go figure!  We saw a really, spectacularly bad horror movie (#Hold Your Breath).  We capped off the night with a drink and appetizers/desserts at a nearby restaurant. 

I actually had a good time.  It was nice to meet a couple of new people, and to laugh about a shared experience, and to just be out and about.  I expect to attend more of these meetups because I often have a hard time finding people to go to scary movies with me, and this is a way to address that problem!  The guys said it was nice to have a new, female fan of horror movies, so I guess they don't see that TOO often.  ;-)

I also engaged in a little bit of therapeutic cleaning and organizing this weekend.  There's more to do, but I made some progress and that was nice.  We had this lovely, truly fallish weather and that pleased me so.  Yesterday at one point I was on the couch, with a banana nut bread candle burning, a blanket and a cat in my lap, with a hoodie on and football on TV.  Hello, fall!

I'm trying to fill the void.  I'm trying to do it the right way, instead of the easy way.  The wrong way.  It's hard.  I miss some of the people I shouldn't, and weekend nights are the most difficult to feel that lonely.  Sometimes it feels so huge and overwhelming, and then I'll have a random moment where I realize it's not a huge deal.  I'll get through it.  It's okay.  But sometimes those moments don't last.

I'm trying to figure out my way, but sometimes I don't know where to start.