Monday, October 8, 2012

Filling the Void

My world got kind of quiet in the last few days since I deleted my dating profiles.  It's weird.  As much as those notifications annoyed me at times, I admit that the ego boost was nice.  The attention was nice.  Even if I didn't want to go out with 98% of the people I heard from, it was good to be reminded every day that I was there, and that someone wanted to know me.  Since I booted both accounts into oblivion, things have gotten quiet.

It's hard to fill the void. 

Sometimes I'm so frustrated at the people I've had in my life.  I'm pissed that they've put me into positions where I've had to cut them out of my life.  I keep whittling these bad people out, and I know that's a good thing for me in the big picture.  But sometimes it makes me feel very lonely. 

I had to return to the city where I lived with angry Ex on Saturday for the birthday party of a friend's 2 year old son.  I go out that way on occasion, but I stick to the periphery as a general rule, and that seems to  be okay.  But this time I had to drive through the city, and I found myself struck with paranoia about encountering the ex at a light or soemthing.  I was RIGHT outside his (once OUR) neighborhood, and it was alarming, quite honestly.  I felt nauseated by the proximity, and luckily, this was after the event, and not before.

The further I drove away from him, the better I felt.  Toxic.  He is toxic.  I'm angriest with him for putting this pit in my stomach that won't go away.  I had a dream this weekend and he was in it.  He's like a bad penny I can't get rid of.

Changing the interest of trying to continually broaden my horizons a bit, I attended a movie meetup group on Friday night.  As usual, only a slim group of those who RSVPed actually showed up.  In this case, it was me and two guys.  Go figure!  We saw a really, spectacularly bad horror movie (#Hold Your Breath).  We capped off the night with a drink and appetizers/desserts at a nearby restaurant. 

I actually had a good time.  It was nice to meet a couple of new people, and to laugh about a shared experience, and to just be out and about.  I expect to attend more of these meetups because I often have a hard time finding people to go to scary movies with me, and this is a way to address that problem!  The guys said it was nice to have a new, female fan of horror movies, so I guess they don't see that TOO often.  ;-)

I also engaged in a little bit of therapeutic cleaning and organizing this weekend.  There's more to do, but I made some progress and that was nice.  We had this lovely, truly fallish weather and that pleased me so.  Yesterday at one point I was on the couch, with a banana nut bread candle burning, a blanket and a cat in my lap, with a hoodie on and football on TV.  Hello, fall!

I'm trying to fill the void.  I'm trying to do it the right way, instead of the easy way.  The wrong way.  It's hard.  I miss some of the people I shouldn't, and weekend nights are the most difficult to feel that lonely.  Sometimes it feels so huge and overwhelming, and then I'll have a random moment where I realize it's not a huge deal.  I'll get through it.  It's okay.  But sometimes those moments don't last.

I'm trying to figure out my way, but sometimes I don't know where to start.


  1. Kudos to you! I know this is a hard, hard change to make, but I'm so glad you're doing it! Have you had any luck with book clubs? Or what about volunteering at the SPCA. I know that won't fill the Mercy-sized void in your heart, but maybe getting some furry therapy will help? I have no doubt that figuring out what makes you happy and fulfilled will lead you to the right people...

    1. Yeah, it is hard. It feels so empty sometimes, like all I do is exercise and that I talk to my trainer more than anyone else. :/ I'm not really a fan of the book club idea, as I tend to just like to read what I want when I want. I'm a member of multiple age-oriented meetup groups, I've just not attended too many events. I'm trying to get myself out more to meet some new people and do new things. Work in progress!

      I have thought about the animal volunteering, but I worry it's going to make me want to save everyone. :o

  2. Its hard to make a positive change. It will require you being accountable every single day. Also, do you think you are the person you were back then when you were with your ex? As much anxiety as it may give you if a chance encounter arrives, you are probably a stronger person than you were, so you may be hyping it up just to stress yourself out. If I see any particular ex who really fucked me over, I make up a ton of anxiety in my head about it, but it was really all for nothing.

    It helps to remind yourself that you are better than that other person, because you are. I know I'm certainly much better than my ex's.

    As far as filling voids, during my budget month I made a list of mundane things I hate doing around my house, including going through my personal files and shredding, etc. I hate doing that. But, if you get really bored, its a good list to have.

    1. Accountability just sucks sometimes, LOL. I do think I'm stronger now in many ways, especially with with regards to him. I don't ever expect to actually see him, but I stopped at Target briefly and I wondered...what if? Yuck, that's what!

      I feel like I do a lot of mundane things lately, and I know it will only get more that way as I step further and further from the dating efforts. Sigh.

  3. It's hard but so very cathartic to whittle out those bad people. In the last few years, I've become much less willing to tolerate crappy behavior from people - particularly girlfriends, never mind men. Although I face bouts of loneliness, I remind myself that there's nothing worse than feeling lonely in a group or in a relationship. It sounds like you are taking wonderful positive steps in taking care of you!

    1. I agree, and I try to remind myself of the same thing...I'd rather be alone than in a bad situation!