We can watch it unravel

I don't want to write about this, but I'm going to so I can have it be done with.  Things with E are done.  They were done on Friday officially, but unraveling well before that.  You know that thing you sometimes do with someone when you're an adult and you're attracted to each other?  Well, that happened on our date two Fridays ago.  You know, the date I was so excited about.

I went out his way and saw his condo and it was lovely and quirky and cute.  I met his dog who was sweet and adorable.  We went out for a great dinner, lots of laughs and talking.  Came back to his condo after and talked for a couple of hours on the couch, just getting to know each other better.  Then I spent the night.

I wasn't planning to.  I was actually specifically planning not to, but things happen.  You get caught up in moments, and the attraction is there in spades, and you give in.  So I stayed and it happened and I had to wake up to my phone alarm early the next morning for a session with my trainer.

We didn't talk the rest of Saturday.  Would it have been nice to hear from him?  Sure, but we'd just spent a lot of hours together, so I figured that might happen.  Sunday rolls around, and I don't hear anything.  I text him that night and we chitchat briefly about nothing of substance.  He drops out in the middle of the conversation, which was odd, but again, it was nothing of substance.

Monday I think for sure he'll initiate contact again.  Prior to this we'd been talking just about every day and religiously taking turns initiating it.  But then it's almost ten and still nothing.  So I texted him and said, "I find it kind of alarming to spend the night with someone and then start talking to them less often."

So it began.  His response marked the start of the unraveling.  "I've been in kind of a weird place since Friday.  I'm not good at communicating about this kind of thing, hence the silence."

I prompted him to please give me some idea of what was going on.

"It's very atypical of me to do that with someone I'm not in a relationship with.  I thought I was ready for that, but after some time to think about it, I realized I wasn't ready to go that far.  Then I got embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't control myself, and it became this big awkward thing, and I was trying to come up with a speech to explain it all when I saw you on Wednesday."

I was a bit stunned.  But I told him it was okay.  Maybe we had gone too quickly.  I tried to reassure him, let him know it was all okay.  He told me he was relieved, and that he felt better about things.  I told him that his silence had made me nervous that he was going to drop out entirely.

"No way," he insisted.  "I wouldn't do that at this point."

Later, he said, "I don't want to stop dating you, I just want to hold back a little until we figure out what this is."

And finally, "There's a certain amount of respect that comes into play once I've slept with someone."

After that, we transitioned to a normal conversation.  I talked about my goal to go running outside this weekend, and he offered to go running with me.  I told him I would probably take him up on that offer, and shortly thereafter we wound up our conversation.

Tuesday I was CERTAIN I would hear from him.  Nothing.

Wednesday morning I get a text asking what time I wanted to meet for our bowling date that evening.  We decided on seven.  I was looking forward to it because I wanted to see him in person and feel like things were okay.  I wanted to be sure this awkwardness wouldn't overtake us.

I never got the chance.  He texted at 4:30 to say he was "totally sick", and that he had two options for me.  I could either come over and risk getting sick, or we could postpone for the weekend.

I felt it.  I knew something was off.  I told him I was sorry he was sick, and that we would just postpone.  In my mind I felt like he was lying about being sick.  I was disappointed, and then I was angry.

Later on, he posted on FB about being sick, and in the comments lunches and things were being cancelled because of it, so then I felt bad.  Maybe he really was sick.  Maybe this was just a really weird coincidence.  I texted him and told him to let me know if he needed anything.  He told me his roommate had taken care of it, but thanks anyway. I said I figured, but wanted to offer.  End of conversation.

Thursday nothing, except that he posted on FB that he was feeling much better.  All morning Friday nothing.  I knew it.  I knew it was unraveling, and I knew it was close to the end.  I also knew he simply didn't have the nerve to admit it.  I emailed him.  I told him I didn't know what exactly was going on, but that it was clear he'd pulled back from me.  I asked him to just be straight with me about where he stood.  I said that something was off because before Friday we talked everyday, and now we were talking markedly less.

I got a response Friday night, about 8 hours after I sent the email.  He apologized for his absence, blamed it on his illness.  The summary of his email was that he's not ready for the step that sleeping with someone means for him.  He doesn't have the time or motivation.  It was nothing to do with me personally, I'm cute and very sweet, in another time it might have worked.  Right now is bad timing.  "I'm not going to have any time or energy to invest in something with you.  In fact, I've ultimately decided to abandon dating entirely and have taken my profile down."

I was unsurprised, but still felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.  I'd wasted almost a month with this guy.  I'd wasted not only kisses, but I'd spent the night with him, and for what?  This emo, self-indulgent, cliched bullshit??

I wavered on whether or not to reply.  Ultimately I did later on Saturday afternoon.  I told him:

Just for the record, things you told me on Monday:

I'm not going to just drop out like that at this point.
There's a certain amount of respect that comes when I sleep with someone. I don't want to stop dating you, I just want to hold back a little until we figure out what this is.

Not direct quotes, just general approximations. 

I hope that in the future you will not willingly offer up such things to others unless you're really sure you mean them.  I took you to be a very sincere, genuine person so when you said these things I believed you.  Perhaps that was my naivete, but it stung to realize that was a misplaced faith. Also, it's better for everyone involved if you can just suck it up, acknowledge the awkwardness and admit to where you stand on things without being prompted.  You left me hanging twice since Friday, and I wince to think of how long I would have been waiting if I hadn't confronted you on both occasions.  Your lack of desire to communicate about these things, while understandable, left me in an uncomfortable position, and I honestly wish you would have just told me it wasn't going to work last weekend, or whenever you got that inkling.
I wish you no ill will, I'm just disappointed about the way this has been handled since Friday.  I wish you luck and happiness, in whatever form you want that to be.  Take care.

That's more niceness than he merits.  I know it.  But lashing out at him in overt anger, while making me feel better briefly, would ultimately have been a mistake in judgment.  I've made enough of those with him.  I was hoping for more of a stinging, subtly insulting effect here.  You've disappointed me.  Be man enough to own your situations and feelings.  Quit being such a little bitch.  I hope he got the between the lines messages there.

So it's done.  And I remain disappointed.  And sad.  And hurt.  And like I was misled, fooled, tricked.  I'm frustrated with how it all happened, and how it started out so promising, and how it turned out like this.

I de-friended him instantly on FB on Friday, blocked him on Gchat.  I don't need to see him or his face or name popping up everytime I log onto either.  Besides that, we're not friends.  We're nothing.  He's just a mistake I made one time when I thought someone was something different, something good, something with potential.

And he's a person who is deeply screwed up, and who said all kinds of things of his own offering that he later totally contradicted with his actions.  He did drop out like that.  He did want to stop dating me, and he did it in a way full of disrespect.  I hope he feels like shit about this.  I really do.