Sunday, February 24, 2013

We can watch it unravel

I don't want to write about this, but I'm going to so I can have it be done with.  Things with E are done.  They were done on Friday officially, but unraveling well before that.  You know that thing you sometimes do with someone when you're an adult and you're attracted to each other?  Well, that happened on our date two Fridays ago.  You know, the date I was so excited about.

I went out his way and saw his condo and it was lovely and quirky and cute.  I met his dog who was sweet and adorable.  We went out for a great dinner, lots of laughs and talking.  Came back to his condo after and talked for a couple of hours on the couch, just getting to know each other better.  Then I spent the night.

I wasn't planning to.  I was actually specifically planning not to, but things happen.  You get caught up in moments, and the attraction is there in spades, and you give in.  So I stayed and it happened and I had to wake up to my phone alarm early the next morning for a session with my trainer.

We didn't talk the rest of Saturday.  Would it have been nice to hear from him?  Sure, but we'd just spent a lot of hours together, so I figured that might happen.  Sunday rolls around, and I don't hear anything.  I text him that night and we chitchat briefly about nothing of substance.  He drops out in the middle of the conversation, which was odd, but again, it was nothing of substance.

Monday I think for sure he'll initiate contact again.  Prior to this we'd been talking just about every day and religiously taking turns initiating it.  But then it's almost ten and still nothing.  So I texted him and said, "I find it kind of alarming to spend the night with someone and then start talking to them less often."

So it began.  His response marked the start of the unraveling.  "I've been in kind of a weird place since Friday.  I'm not good at communicating about this kind of thing, hence the silence."

I prompted him to please give me some idea of what was going on.

"It's very atypical of me to do that with someone I'm not in a relationship with.  I thought I was ready for that, but after some time to think about it, I realized I wasn't ready to go that far.  Then I got embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't control myself, and it became this big awkward thing, and I was trying to come up with a speech to explain it all when I saw you on Wednesday."

I was a bit stunned.  But I told him it was okay.  Maybe we had gone too quickly.  I tried to reassure him, let him know it was all okay.  He told me he was relieved, and that he felt better about things.  I told him that his silence had made me nervous that he was going to drop out entirely.

"No way," he insisted.  "I wouldn't do that at this point."

Later, he said, "I don't want to stop dating you, I just want to hold back a little until we figure out what this is."

And finally, "There's a certain amount of respect that comes into play once I've slept with someone."

After that, we transitioned to a normal conversation.  I talked about my goal to go running outside this weekend, and he offered to go running with me.  I told him I would probably take him up on that offer, and shortly thereafter we wound up our conversation.

Tuesday I was CERTAIN I would hear from him.  Nothing.

Wednesday morning I get a text asking what time I wanted to meet for our bowling date that evening.  We decided on seven.  I was looking forward to it because I wanted to see him in person and feel like things were okay.  I wanted to be sure this awkwardness wouldn't overtake us.

I never got the chance.  He texted at 4:30 to say he was "totally sick", and that he had two options for me.  I could either come over and risk getting sick, or we could postpone for the weekend.

I felt it.  I knew something was off.  I told him I was sorry he was sick, and that we would just postpone.  In my mind I felt like he was lying about being sick.  I was disappointed, and then I was angry.

Later on, he posted on FB about being sick, and in the comments lunches and things were being cancelled because of it, so then I felt bad.  Maybe he really was sick.  Maybe this was just a really weird coincidence.  I texted him and told him to let me know if he needed anything.  He told me his roommate had taken care of it, but thanks anyway. I said I figured, but wanted to offer.  End of conversation.

Thursday nothing, except that he posted on FB that he was feeling much better.  All morning Friday nothing.  I knew it.  I knew it was unraveling, and I knew it was close to the end.  I also knew he simply didn't have the nerve to admit it.  I emailed him.  I told him I didn't know what exactly was going on, but that it was clear he'd pulled back from me.  I asked him to just be straight with me about where he stood.  I said that something was off because before Friday we talked everyday, and now we were talking markedly less.

I got a response Friday night, about 8 hours after I sent the email.  He apologized for his absence, blamed it on his illness.  The summary of his email was that he's not ready for the step that sleeping with someone means for him.  He doesn't have the time or motivation.  It was nothing to do with me personally, I'm cute and very sweet, in another time it might have worked.  Right now is bad timing.  "I'm not going to have any time or energy to invest in something with you.  In fact, I've ultimately decided to abandon dating entirely and have taken my profile down."

I was unsurprised, but still felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.  I'd wasted almost a month with this guy.  I'd wasted not only kisses, but I'd spent the night with him, and for what?  This emo, self-indulgent, cliched bullshit??

I wavered on whether or not to reply.  Ultimately I did later on Saturday afternoon.  I told him:

Just for the record, things you told me on Monday:

I'm not going to just drop out like that at this point.
There's a certain amount of respect that comes when I sleep with someone.
I don't want to stop dating you, I just want to hold back a little until we figure out what this is.

Not direct quotes, just general approximations. 

I hope that in the future you will not willingly offer up such things to others unless you're really sure you mean them.  I took you to be a very sincere, genuine person so when you said these things I believed you.  Perhaps that was my naivete, but it stung to realize that was a misplaced faith. Also, it's better for everyone involved if you can just suck it up, acknowledge the awkwardness and admit to where you stand on things without being prompted.  You left me hanging twice since Friday, and I wince to think of how long I would have been waiting if I hadn't confronted you on both occasions.  Your lack of desire to communicate about these things, while understandable, left me in an uncomfortable position, and I honestly wish you would have just told me it wasn't going to work last weekend, or whenever you got that inkling.

I wish you no ill will, I'm just disappointed about the way this has been handled since Friday.  I wish you luck and happiness, in whatever form you want that to be.  Take care.

That's more niceness than he merits.  I know it.  But lashing out at him in overt anger, while making me feel better briefly, would ultimately have been a mistake in judgment.  I've made enough of those with him.  I was hoping for more of a stinging, subtly insulting effect here.  You've disappointed me.  Be man enough to own your situations and feelings.  Quit being such a little bitch.  I hope he got the between the lines messages there.

So it's done.  And I remain disappointed.  And sad.  And hurt.  And like I was misled, fooled, tricked.  I'm frustrated with how it all happened, and how it started out so promising, and how it turned out like this.

I de-friended him instantly on FB on Friday, blocked him on Gchat.  I don't need to see him or his face or name popping up everytime I log onto either.  Besides that, we're not friends.  We're nothing.  He's just a mistake I made one time when I thought someone was something different, something good, something with potential.

And he's a person who is deeply screwed up, and who said all kinds of things of his own offering that he later totally contradicted with his actions.  He did drop out like that.  He did want to stop dating me, and he did it in a way full of disrespect.  I hope he feels like shit about this.  I really do.


  1. Oh, you. I am so sorry to hear this. I had really good feelings and high hopes about him. And now I, too, hope he feels like shit for being such a waste of your space, heart and time.

  2. That's so terrible. If it doesn't suck enough to have it end on that kind of note because he's not man enough. Blah. Best to know now rather than later though, yes?

    1. Right? I can't believe how dramatically this all shifted in a week's time.

  3. I will wish him ill will for you, what a fucking asshole! I doubt he feels like shit because men don't have real feelings. I'm sure his goal the whole way was to sleep with you, and this "I'm not ready" BS is more like "Okay, I've slept with you, now I've lost interest". Coward. Nice touch talking about how sick you are on Facebook, I bet he's done that whole thing before, seriously!

    Better off without that kind of guy. Unless I know the next guy (like as a friend or something) I have a relationship with, I'm not sleeping with him for like 90 days. Well, I'm going to try, maybe like 30 days. Whatever, there will be a probation period to weed out this kind of guy!

    Take some dating rage out with your trainer, that's what their for right?

    1. Thank you, I actually appreciate the ill will on my behalf, LOL. I'm just so incredibly disappointed in him because I let my guard down, I let myself get really excited, and he turned out to be such a fraud compared to what he was presenting at first. How can I trust people when things like this happen?

  4. Motherfucking asshole. My god. I can only say that MANY women share your pain. The disappointing and hurt is awful. I once did something so STUPIDLY out of character along the lines of "if it's too good to be true it might" that I am still cringing about today when I try not to think of it.

    What a player and what a fool and for a guy, I hate to say it, but he probably rationalized his way out of it believing his own bullshit and he will do it to someone else at some point. I am really sorry you had to go through that...what a dick.

    Danielle has a point. Probation periods are good. :)

    1. Yeah, I guess I've now experienced a first that many others have as well. Wish I could have stayed on the outside of that club! It really is just so discouraging.

  5. I've read this twice and all that comes into my mind is the very banal: WHAT AN ASSHOLE. I hope you're not beating yourself up too much over doing that thing adults do sometimes so soon into dating him because I feel like those things just happen sometimes and they happen because you have a good feeling, not because you think someone is going to, at this age, drop you like a bad habit after becoming intimate with you. I feel for you. This can't feel good and he's a total dick. I don't get guys who just want to sleep with you once and then ditch you because they're going to get "hungry" again, right? Why just the one time unless they're really effing sick and just want to prove they can get you into bed. You did the right thing by completely cutting him out. And, now you know. I'm so sorry this happened.

    1. Yeah, the asshole sentiment is ringing pretty strong for me, too. Part of me wishes I'd been a lot meaner in my response, but ultimately it's just not worth worrying about.

      I regret sleeping with him, obviously, but only because of how it turned out. I don't know if I will ever fully understand exactly what transpired in his head to lead to this, but ultimately the bottom line is the same: it's done. I got played, one way or another. Shit happens, and then you move on.

  6. Argh... Here I was hoping you'd found a good one - I'm sure your own feelings are the same. I'm sorry things went down like this, but like the others said, at least you found out now instead of months down the road and then you'd have to get back into the swing of things again.

    God.. guys like this you have to wonder if it was actually a game or if he just didn't know what he wanted. ...And I don't know which would make me feel better if it were me in the situation.

    Keep your chin up lady! You're lovely and you're on the right track, the right one will be coming soon!

    1. I think it was the latter (he didn't know what he wanted). I don't think he's smooth enough to play games like that. In the big picture he was apparently more than just cute awkward, he was legit awkward and hiding it.

      Thank you for the encouragement. :)

  7. Ugh. What a jerk! I'm glad you were able to write back and indirectly bitch-slap his cowardly ass.

    As strange as this sounds, the fact that you stood up to him and made him "explain" to may have actually helped -- rather than him give you the silent treatment and pretend his behavior was OK, he actually had to go ahead and give his "explanation," which in turn [hopefully] made him realize he's full of bullshit.

    As far as the sex thing -- I don't know if things would have turned out differently. (Hell, from your description, I probably would have slept with him, too. ;) I don't think there's a hard-and-fast rule to it, but my general philosphy comes from "Scrubs":

    Carla: "I like to wait. I like a guy to want it so bad he basically thinks he isn't gonna get it ever. Then when he's lost the will to live, that's when I jump him."


    1. Yeah, I'm glad I ultimately decided to respond to him. He needed to be held accountable, and I didn't want him to walk away from this deluding himself that he had behaved nobly and respectfully when really it was just the opposite. He needs to be aware that his lack of balls causes really hurtful situations, and he needs to learn how to man up and own up to what he thinks and feels instead of getting all emo bitchy about it.

      I only regret the sex because of how it turned out. In the moment, it felt right, so I went with it. Just a waste in retrospect!

  8. Oh Bluemoon, I'm so sorry. Though I could give you the "you dodged a bullet" cliche, it still sucks. I've been in that situation once before and took me a long time to get over, because I felt strung along.

    When you said, "I wince to think of how long I would have been waiting if I hadn't confronted you on both occasions", I almost slapped the computer screen in angry agreement. I hate, hate, HATE the way men just walk away from things without any sort of accountability whatsoever.

    1. Yeah, I do feel like I was strung along, and it pisses me off. What's worst is that he's the one who made such an effort to imply he would be around, and clearly that was BS.

      I'm glad I made him admit what was happening on his side even if I had to chase him to get that done.

    2. That's one of the things that kills me too - when a guy says, "Oh, I should take you here," or "We should do this next," and then shortly after they disappear. I always believe them when they plan for the future and think it means something, but this post is helping me realize many guys do it, sadly.

      I'm so sorry this has happened to you. At least be grateful he didn't continue to use you intimately and drag things on for longer, then drop you. I dated someone for half a year that I was crazy about only to have him give the same excuse E did - that he didn't really want to date anyone. I'm glad you didn't have enough time to get attached like I did.

      I think one of the themes here is that guys can be majorly disappointing. They need to grow up!!

    3. M, those guys are called Future Fakers! I even had a guy ask me, after a month of dating, whether I hoped our kids would have my coloring or his. Kids?!

    4. @M: Right? I don't see the point in offering things like this up of your own volition if you're having doubts. It just seems unnecessary, and makes it all the much worse when you do bail! I definitely bought into what E was selling, and I'm just afraid it's going to make me all the more skeptical the next time someone else does the same thing, even if they may be genuine!

      Wow, a year and a half? That is craziness. :/ Looks like a lot of people have stories like this!