Monday, March 2, 2015

Panic like you mean it

Twelve years ago today I got married in Kansas City, Missouri on a blustery, cold day.  I sometimes wonder if there will ever be a year where I don't think of this on this date!  It truly feels like it was another lifetime ago.

Right now my ex-husband is in Mexico with his girlfriend, and the only thing I'm jealous of is the weather!  He missed out on a lot of cold weather and quite an ice storm yesterday.  Lucky bastard.  :-) I'm continually grateful that after everything we've been through we've managed to end up as friends. We had a couple of off periods over the years since the split, but I think that's natural, and we've eventually come back around full circle to where we started in 1997 at Mizzou in the Mark Twain dorm....friends! was a good weekend.  I'll admit, though, it started off a bit rough.  All week long the plan was for me to pack up a portion of my things and bring them with me to BF's house this weekend.  Part two would be  this coming weekend when I would bring anything else I felt was needed for the time being, excluding all furniture items and things like that, which would be dealt with at a later date.  So all week I planned what I would be bringing, I got it together and loaded into my car.

On the hour drive to the house, the panic started to set in.  I'd had a phone convo with my leasing office earlier in the day to discuss the specifics of an early lease termination, and I think that triggered something new in my brain that screamed out..THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.  THIS IS A THING YOU ARE DOING.  I felt the panic bubbling up, so I turned up my music so loud that I could feel it, and concentrated really hard on driving and NOT crying.  My eyes welled up, but I didn't cry, but I definitely felt like I was on the verge of bubbling over.

When I got to the house, I sat in the driveway for a couple of minutes trying to pull myself together.  BF came out and helped me bring my things in, and I kid you not, within 3 minutes of that being complete I was crying in his arms like a crazy person.  Suddenly I was feeling all the things at once----the panic, the fear, the WTF am I doing.  BF was amazing.  Truly.  He held me in his arms and just let me cry.  He led me to the couch so I could sit down because I was on the verge of a panic attack, my breathing out of control and hard to manage.  He rubbed my back, held my hand, gave me some time.  Then we talked.

I told him that even though I **know** he is a different person and this is a different relationship, I couldn't help but have this overwhelming fear that I was making the same mistake I'd made previously with Angry Ex.  The horrifying thought that I could be giving up everything on the basis of false promises and hopes, only to lose it all and have to start over.  The fear of being out of my own place and into someone else's place and wondering if it would ever truly feel like my home. Panic about being away from my friends and the places I know best.  I let it all out because it had been building up and that leasing office convo just crystallized it.

Honestly I think that it was a really healthy, beneficial breakdown as far as breakdowns go.  ;-)  I obviously needed to voice all of that out loud for my own sake, but I think it was also really important for BF to see how big of a deal this is for me, and to understand the full impact of this choice.  I think sometimes it's been easy for him to underestimate how significant of a change this is for me because in his head, I'm moving to a place where I'm welcome to make it my own, where I'm wanted and loved and I'll save money to boot.  Presenting him with an opportunity to really see all the ripples this move is creating in my life is really significant and I think will only make him appreciate and understand this choice even more.

So that was Friday.  :-)  We ended up having a really nice evening once that was resolved.

Saturday was a crazy productive day.  We got up and out of the house early and got a quick breakfast and Starbucks.  After that we went to Lowe's for a few sets of replacement blinds for the house, Bed Bath & Beyond for a few things and then Target.  We came home with a combination of good for the house things and necessary for Bluemoon things. We also went to the grocery store to get food for our weekend meals.

Back at the house the productivity continued.  He put up the new blinds and then went through his closet and some other spots in the bedroom to clear room for me.  We culled a ton of things for donation, including clothes, bedding and other miscellany.  I then got the things I brought organized into the closet and dressers.  While he assembled the over the toilet storage unit for the master bath, I put the new towel hooks, bathroom rug and trash can into place.  The bathroom actually looks a lot nicer now and is definitely more practical for storage and such.

It felt really good to get all of the things I brought put away.  It really was a great start at making me feel more at home, and this was just the very beginning.  Next weekend will be an even bigger step because I'll bring the rest of my clothes (at least the seasonal ones), my dresser stuff (earring and jewelry holders), as well as pictures and knicknacks.  All those little details really make a difference!

Once our productivity streak was done, we spent the evening eating a yummy, easy crock pot dinner (French Dips) and having fun drinks (Colorado Bulldogs!).  It was a really fantastic Saturday.

Sunday we got the ice storm, so we didn't leave the house.  We just had a lazy sunday and made a turkey breast in the crockpot along with some roasted asparagus and roasted red potatoes for dinner, which was all amazing.  Before bed we watched the new Walking Dead episode and called it a night. Unfortunately I slept REALLY poorly because I knew I had to get up super early to drive home.  I could have tried the commute for the first time, but the problem with that is that I'd have to commute back there tonight and then drive home after since I have trainer tomorrow night.  I wanted to free up my Monday night because I have a lot to do this week, so that meant a 5:15 wake up. Boo!

Made good time getting back home, got showered and unpacked and then ice skated my way to the bus stop----no exaggeration.  :-o

My list of things to do this week is huge, but I'm excited to get started.  Tonight's plan is to get to Target (again!) to supplement the things I realized I needed more of or needed to start with.  I would like to get to the gym, too, and there are some things to be done around the apt.  We'll see how the night goes!  In the meantime, it's a work day, so I better get back to it.

Thanks for listening to all of my long, rambling nonsense these days!  :-)


  1. Glad that you were able to get it all out Friday night. I am sure it will get easier and you will feel more secure as you have more stuff there and his home becomes yours.
    And the ice was insane in DC! The pup and I skated during all of our walks yesterday.

    1. Yeah, I think it will get easier as the process goes. I'm definitely glad we're doing this in phases, as I think it helps me process as I go!

      I am NOT excited about more freezing stuff today and now SNOW on Thursday? Sigh.

  2. I think that really letting him know how you feel about this will help him understand the significance even more. I'm sure he sees it as a big deal, but I would assume most people don't have the type of breakdown you experienced. However, he needs to see just how big of a deal this is for you, so if you have 'off' moments in the future, he knows how to react to it.

    Glad it went well!! And that food sounds good, I think its time for my morning snack.

    1. Yeah, most people probably do not freak out like I did LOL. Luckily he did a good job of listening and talking me through it!

  3. It's a huge change. There's no reason to be ashamed or think you should be reacting in a different way! I mostly terrible with change too and I freak out at the beginning a lot but then you know things always get better. I guess having gone through what you did it's hard not to compare this situation to this but you know it's better and much different. It just takes time for change to feel 'normal' again. And then often it's time to change again. Just the circle if life! I think venting in here is a great outlet too.

    1. It's definitely a process! I think I'll be fine overall, it's just a lot, and I'm really grateful to be doing it in stages. Next big hurdle: testing out the commute next week and hoping it's less awful than expected. ;-)

  4. It's not nonsense, it's real life and it's rarely smooth and easy all the time! This is a huge change and even though it's very positive, you can't just shed your past like an old sweater. I think BF handled your emotions well, and you did too.

    I'm not even close to the move-in stage yet (with my BF or any future hypothetical BFs) but I'm certain if that ever happens, I will have meltdowns daily. :)