Capitulation

So Artboy IMed me today.  We make mostly idle chit chat every now and again and probably against my better judgment, I've vented to him about relationship frustrations a couple of times.  In rare unicorn moments he's able to be a decent source of advice, or at least listening.  Anyway, I'd told him in the last couple of months about the frustrations I was having with BF and the living situation.  I noted how BF wanted me to move out there and how I couldn't fathom it, even though I'd been willing to do the trial.  I told him how we'd discussed living somewhere in the middle and how our definitions of the middle were different.  He was sympathetic and on my side.

Well, after not providing any updates since, he offhandedly asked if I was "going out to the boonies tonight".  I said yes and then gave him a half truth, telling him I was actually staying out there this week to see how it actually was.  His response was, "Oh man, way to cave."

The subsequent conversation included him telling me, "It's always a good idea to do what the man wants, he is more important after all" and "He has always lived out there, your life experiences don't matter."  HUGE waves of sarcasm, obviously. I tried (stupidly) to explain the logic of it, saving money to get a place closer in together eventually.  His response?  "Getting your girlfriend to do what you want:  Priceless."

Sigh.  I don't know why I bother with him.  Truly.  What I mostly hate is that his comments give me moments of pause, like...Does everyone think I caved?  DID I cave?? I made a big deal about how I'd never live in BFland because it was so far out from my work and now here I am, living there.  I promised myself after Angry Ex that I would never give up my own place and inconvenience myself to accommodate someone else again.  I promised myself that I wouldn't live with someone again until I had a ring on my finger.  And yet....here I am.

This is something I've really struggled with.  I really hate Artboy for somehow knowing that weak spot and exploiting it.  I pointed out to him the irony of his sudden advocacy for me when the bulk of our time together was spent with him wanting to do what he wanted on his schedule.  That's something I rationalized to myself the entire time we were hanging out, but that's the truth of it.  Most of it was on his terms.  Ugh.

It's so easy to default to the idea of a relationship as a power game, and in that framework, it's so easy to feel like I'm losing the game by moving out there.  I have thoughts every single day since we started this process along this same line.  Did I give in?  Did I sacrifice my own preferences for someone else's sake?  Am I giving up everything while he's giving up nothing?  What if this backfires and in the end there's no real intent to move forward together?

I didn't tell Artboy any of that, of course.  Instead I simply replied, "You're full of it.  I appreciate the concern, but I think you underestimate me."

The thing of it, though?  This relationship DOESN'T feel like a power struggle even when I try to make it one.  I DON'T feel like this is going to backfire, or that he's misleading me about his intent. I DO feel like this is someone I can see spending my indefinite future with. Most importantly, I don't feel like I'm giving EVERYTHING up.  I'm giving up an apartment. Convenience to my friends and my office and other things.  But I'm GAINING things, too.  I'm gaining the pleasure of his company every single day.  I'm gaining the freedom of the space and amenities of his house and the ability to make it feel like my own.  I'm gaining progress in this relationship.  And again, the BFland aspect isn't forever.  We will move in closer eventually, though it won't be as close as Alexandria.  But after this, anything will seem easier!

Last night I did my own thing and BF did his own thing, and we came together at the end of the night in bed and just laid there talking and laughing and being silly for an hour.  I felt like I was overflowing with happiness and love and the feeling that I was making the right choice.  His home already feels more like our home, and it's been less than a week of cohabitation.  When I was at my apt. yesterday I didn't feel sad about not living there.  It felt like a place I lived once that was good to me, but that I was moving past.  I was excited to get HOME.  To BFland.  I even (GASP)
had thoughts about how much I prefer the bus commute over the Metro already.  Do I wish the bus times were more convenient?  Definitely.  But the actual commute?  So much easier!

I also know that in the bigger picture, I shouldn't give a damn what anyone else thinks about what I'm doing.  I'm the only one that knows my relationship.  No one else deals with the joys and consequences of my decisions.  Most importantly, everyone's advice on anything comes colored with the bias and shading of their own experiences.

I think it's possible the only real lesson to be gleaned from this post is this:

Artboy doesn't know me.
He doesn't know what I want, need, deserve, and didn't care much when he was actually in my life.
Therefore, Artboy should no longer be given windows into my personal life because he will pollute it with his negativity and emotionally manipulate me at any opportunity.

And on that note...I'm going to get back to work.  Close out the chat screen with Artboy.  Get through the last couple hours of my work day, and then go home to the person I love.  <3