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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Smug Marrieds

Once upon a time, I was a smug married.  I was probably the worst kind of smug married, as I'd never really been single as an adult at the time.  All I knew was built in companionship, being part of a pair and always having a date at the ready. 

It was so easy to hand out relationship advice then.  You know why?  Because it was hollow.  I was doling it out from a safe place wherein I was already loved.  From the comfort of a long term relationship.  It was simple to tell someone to drop the asshole guy without thinking about what that actually meant for my friend on an emotional level.  It was obvious to me that you will find love when you're not trying, and that working so hard to find a relationship was a wasted effort.  It was all so logical.

Then I got single.  It was a long and winding road, but here I am.  And now I am reminded again today of the phenomenon I often experience of the smug marrieds.  Now, for the record, not all married people are like this.  Clearly!  But it is also true that plenty of people who are just dating can also be smug marrieds in spite of their lack of marital vows.

I am so, so tired of being told all of the cliches that I passed out so easily when I was one of them.  Drop that jerk, you deserve better.  He doesn't appreciate you, you don't need that.  So you dated for awhile, it wasn't that serious, it's time to move on.  You're trying too hard to find someone to be with.  Once you stop looking, it will happen.  I know it.  It's true.  Trust me.

Screw that bullshit.  Seriously.  It's obnoxious and also?  Not necessarily true.

What I love most about this smug married phenomenon?  I knew most of these folks when they were single.  And I know how their current blissful pairings came about, and you know what?  95% of them did not just magically occur.  They didn't fall into their laps when they were just living their lives, checked out of the dating world.  They were the result of setups by friends.  Online dating.  Any number of socially contrived, concerted EFFORTS to find someone.

So why is it that now that these folks are coupled up, all of the ways THEY found someone aren't valid?  Why are we trying to rewrite these histories to pretend that finding something good and worthwhile doesn't take work sometimes?

I don't know about you, but I don't live in a rom-com.  I don't have meet cutes in the grocery store, or at the gym, or at Starbucks.  When a guy hits on me on the rare occasions I'm in a bar, they are not Prince Charming.  They are drunk douchebags who I don't want, not even a little, most often.  Regular adult life in a busy metropolitan area with crazy schedules and even a vague sense of value for personal time and well being does not afford one a plethora of opportunities to meet potential mates, especially if you don't want to date people you work with.  I don't. 

It truly seems anymore thatmany of the good ones are married, engaged, or dating, or also looking for a good guy, or my personal favorite....broken.  Not functionally broken, but legit broken.  Red flag city, been there, done that, have a few years worth of souvenirs I don't like to look at anymore.  Don't want to go back.

One day I want to be married again.  Hell if I know if it will happen again, as I can't even find someone I want to date for any measure of time.  But if I ever do re-marry, I hope like hell I manage to be one of the good marrieds.  The ones who remember that dating is hard.  That finding love and companionship and butterflies can require some work, and that the chances of it just falling in your lap are pretty slim. 

I want to remember that sitting by passively while waiting for life to happen is not a good thing to suggest to anyone, and that on any given day, I would prefer to go out, make my own opportunities and know that I tried.  I may fail.  I may get hurt or disappointed or occasionally jaded.  But at least I'm trying.  And if I remarry or even just pair up with someone again someday, I hope I remember all of these things.  If I forget, I will always have this blog to remind me.  ;-)

11 comments:

  1. Few of us have the luck (or looks) of Katherine Heigle and Kristen Bell, so, yeah, it takes some work. Some friends are probably just trying to be supportive and help you not lose hope. The others are the people who are going to get drunk and puke on the stripper at your bachelorette party because they don't get out of the house anymore.

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    1. I know most mean well, but it just gets frustrating. I try to remind them of what it was like to be single, and some get it, some nod and smile and don't hear me. And you're right...some folks who are all about how blissful and happy they are and feeling sorry for me as a singleton are the ones who end up secretly rueing their obligations and envying my freedom. The grass is always greener, LOL.

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  2. I don't have anything constructive to add, just this. What she said.

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  3. I love this post. I decided to date when I was ready and it SUCKED. It more than sucked. It FUCKING SUCKED. And now I am not single anymore, but shit, there was tons of work to get to this place. I hate smug marries, too. I know the kind. The ones who just end up so super happy by bumping into their star crossed lover at the frozen yogurt shop. GAG. They wouldn't share their real story anyway as they rewrote it. I can say this: being single is TOUGH and there are days when getting out of bed to face that table of couples is just about the hardest thing you will ever do. I know this pain. I lived it. I didn't even show up places sometimes, my singleness hurt me so much. And as you said, the grass is always greener. There are sometimes, I wish I could just be free. Not all the time, but once in a while. As I said before, dating is hard work. Probably the hardest thing you will have to ever do. But, as my mom says, "if you want to get married in a modern world, you have to put in the time to date." Treat it like a means to an end. A horrible, very bad, means to an end.....

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    1. Thank you for acknowledging this! It does take work, and anyone who says differently is deluding themselves. However, it's not like I'm spending all my free time cultivating some complex plan---I'm just making an effort to put myself out there. It's the minimum I can and should do!

      Dating really is a means to an end, and while the smug marrieds may forget that, I know that deep down they know it's true!

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  4. I remember that too. After my divorce and the fucked up world of dating. My favorite was "IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU." And "When you least expect it."

    STFU.

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    1. Oh yeah, that's a CLASSIC that I love to hate!

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  5. Late to the party here, but I loved this post. Deep down I want to meet my future husband in the grocery store, because it means I don't need to put in the effort to date. Obviously that's never going to happen, so all the more reason to be disappointed when I'm hit on by drunk a-holes or go on dates that don't really pan out.

    Also, I'm not sure if it's just my life, but if I go on Facebook, I know a TON of couples that either went to college together, high school together, met in a social sports league, etc. Basically, almost all of them were friends before they started dating. *That's* how I want it to happen, but my experience in kickball ended up being more of a hookups-turned-relationships league, and I'm not that girl. So I feel the frustration! :)

    Doesn't help that my co-worker just got married to the guy she met through softball, and my friend's sister just got engaged to a guy she was friends with in high school. Gahhhhh...

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    1. My kickball league was also a hook-up league, but it did also lead to a few good friendships. Totally feel your pain, wish I'd met someone at the "right" time (i.e. college or grad school) :)

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  6. I love this post, Bluemoon! My smugly paired friends, even ones who have only been with their guys for a month or two, are constantly doling out unsolicited advice, or telling me how glad they are they "don't have to deal with this anymore."

    You put so it well when you said, "It was simple to tell someone to drop the asshole guy without thinking about what that actually meant for my friend on an emotional level."

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    1. Isn't it amazing how wise people get so quickly after finding a mate? ;) Gotta love it.

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