Smug Marrieds

Once upon a time, I was a smug married.  I was probably the worst kind of smug married, as I'd never really been single as an adult at the time.  All I knew was built in companionship, being part of a pair and always having a date at the ready. 

It was so easy to hand out relationship advice then.  You know why?  Because it was hollow.  I was doling it out from a safe place wherein I was already loved.  From the comfort of a long term relationship.  It was simple to tell someone to drop the asshole guy without thinking about what that actually meant for my friend on an emotional level.  It was obvious to me that you will find love when you're not trying, and that working so hard to find a relationship was a wasted effort.  It was all so logical.

Then I got single.  It was a long and winding road, but here I am.  And now I am reminded again today of the phenomenon I often experience of the smug marrieds.  Now, for the record, not all married people are like this.  Clearly!  But it is also true that plenty of people who are just dating can also be smug marrieds in spite of their lack of marital vows.

I am so, so tired of being told all of the cliches that I passed out so easily when I was one of them.  Drop that jerk, you deserve better.  He doesn't appreciate you, you don't need that.  So you dated for awhile, it wasn't that serious, it's time to move on.  You're trying too hard to find someone to be with.  Once you stop looking, it will happen.  I know it.  It's true.  Trust me.

Screw that bullshit.  Seriously.  It's obnoxious and also?  Not necessarily true.

What I love most about this smug married phenomenon?  I knew most of these folks when they were single.  And I know how their current blissful pairings came about, and you know what?  95% of them did not just magically occur.  They didn't fall into their laps when they were just living their lives, checked out of the dating world.  They were the result of setups by friends.  Online dating.  Any number of socially contrived, concerted EFFORTS to find someone.

So why is it that now that these folks are coupled up, all of the ways THEY found someone aren't valid?  Why are we trying to rewrite these histories to pretend that finding something good and worthwhile doesn't take work sometimes?

I don't know about you, but I don't live in a rom-com.  I don't have meet cutes in the grocery store, or at the gym, or at Starbucks.  When a guy hits on me on the rare occasions I'm in a bar, they are not Prince Charming.  They are drunk douchebags who I don't want, not even a little, most often.  Regular adult life in a busy metropolitan area with crazy schedules and even a vague sense of value for personal time and well being does not afford one a plethora of opportunities to meet potential mates, especially if you don't want to date people you work with.  I don't. 

It truly seems anymore thatmany of the good ones are married, engaged, or dating, or also looking for a good guy, or my personal favorite....broken.  Not functionally broken, but legit broken.  Red flag city, been there, done that, have a few years worth of souvenirs I don't like to look at anymore.  Don't want to go back.

One day I want to be married again.  Hell if I know if it will happen again, as I can't even find someone I want to date for any measure of time.  But if I ever do re-marry, I hope like hell I manage to be one of the good marrieds.  The ones who remember that dating is hard.  That finding love and companionship and butterflies can require some work, and that the chances of it just falling in your lap are pretty slim. 

I want to remember that sitting by passively while waiting for life to happen is not a good thing to suggest to anyone, and that on any given day, I would prefer to go out, make my own opportunities and know that I tried.  I may fail.  I may get hurt or disappointed or occasionally jaded.  But at least I'm trying.  And if I remarry or even just pair up with someone again someday, I hope I remember all of these things.  If I forget, I will always have this blog to remind me.  ;-)