Spring is just around the corner, although you couldn't guess it from the crappy weather we're having here these days. It was snowing this morning. Sigh.
Anyway, spring officially starts this week, and I have to say that while I love typical spring weather, and I love a good spring thunderstorm, I kind of hate spring for another reason.
Spring is apparently a time when more than just flowers bloom. I'm talking about relationships. I swear it seems like every year several people I know pair up as spring alights. Not only that, I start to see happy little couples everywhere, and it makes my eyes roll back so hard because I am kind of cynical and jaded and lonely.
I never really knew what it was like to be so seriouisly single before. I didn't date until I was 19 really, and then I just jumped into a serious relationship. I didn't have those single times in between to really appreciate what I had going as part of a couple.
All of those relationships ended with good reason, and I'm not missing the people. I'm missing the constructs of the relationship. The ease. The automatic companion. The built in plans. Those moments when it's you + him against the world. I've been fighting solo for two years now, and this battlefield is getting lonely.
The logical, real part of me is happy for (most) people I know who have paired up. I want people to find happiness and people they like to be around who make them feel good. I *want* to be happy for Artboy, but damn it...I'm not. I said it. I'm evil. I'm annoyed that someone else is making him happy (even though he told me last week: "You'll be happy to know I'm still miserable. Dating sucks."). Facebook *is* the devil, and I think I've figured out the girl he's dating. I KNOW. SUE ME.
Snarky Bluemoon crept out and I thought evil things like...I'm cuter than she is. She's plain and blah looking. And yet she looks like a functional adult. How is she dating Artboy? He's so weird and strange, and yet they're dating? What version of himself is he showing her?
Then I retracted my claws with great reluctance, and reminded myself that illogically tearing down a stranger who knows nothing of my existence doesn't change the fact that Artboy is not mine, was never mine, and will never be mine. Time to rip the bandaid off of the idea of him dating and just move the hell on.
It's the same thing I've done with anyone my exes have dated...the comparisons. The snark. It's instinct, but it is wrong and it doesn't change my situation. I could be cuter/smarter/more fun/more random/more awesome, but the bottom line is this:
I AM NOT WHAT THEY WANTED. And thusly THEY ARE NOT WHO I WANT.
Dating sucks. I have a date tonight with someone I went out with twice right after Artboy and I stopped dating in June 2011. He resurfaced and asked me out and I thought...what the hell. Can't hurt. He was a very nice guy, but I was very distracted at the time.
So I have this date, but I'll be honest...I'm not excited. I'm not dreading it, I'm just kind of numb to it. It's really hard for me lately not to feel like I'm going to end up single forever because the people I want don't want me and the people who want me I don't want.
I love spring. I love things blooming and flowering (allergies aside!), I love thunderstorms and cherry blossoms and seeing green outside again. I love light jackets and sunny afternoons and evenings I can enjoy when I get home from work. But I also resent spring sometimes. I resent the people it brings together because I am not one of them, again. Now that I know how hard dating is, I can finally appreciate how momentous it really is when someone emerges from the cesspool of dating with someone they actually like. It's hard. It requires perseverance. It will knock you down a hundred times before it lifts you up again.
Spring is coming.
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Ditto everything. I compare all the time too. Its what we (meaning everyone) do.
ReplyDeleteAll of Aquamans real "girlfriends" had super big problems, drugs, serious daddy issues, one was a dominatrix (totally wanted to meet her and perhaps change my job field!) that was "crazy" so he said. None of them had their shit together. I was probably one of the few that did have things sorted out, and he was like 'no'. So maybe its that this new girl is blind to Artboy's ways, unlike yourself. I figured AM out within our first date, and I think he knew it. I'm sure you figured out AB real quick as well. Take it as a compliment that you are most likely smarter than her.
Other than that, well, I have no dating advice other than keep putting yourself first. That's what I'm doing, but in order for me to do that right now, I have to step back from dating. Super busy and stuff.
Ha, go figure. Artboy also described this girl as "crazy" when explaining why she won't call what they're doing dating. WTFever.
DeleteIt took me a bit to figure Artboy out, so who knows. And maybe she really is crazy and they are a perfect match. I don't know. I just don't want to be considered his fall back plan if/when it goes to hell. Not fair.
The dreaded FB stalk. I am guilty as well. Always remember, you never know what happens behind closed doors. If a man is a cock and acts like a real bad seed, it isn't you or the lady before you, or the lady after. This is simply who he is. And AB is not good. Bad people get married, trust me. Sometimes they make it and sometimes they don't, but what someone will tolerate is a personal thing. Me thinks that you love yourself enough (YAY!) not to take anyone's crap including AB. His loss. For real. Savor some of the single, keep your head held high and it isn't if he is out there, it is when he will find you.
ReplyDeleteI love your blunt way with words! This: "If a man is a cock and acts like a real bad seed, it isn't you or the lady before you, or the lady after. This is simply who he is." - is awesome. :)
DeleteI know he's probably not good. I know. But he cons me. I boot him, and he comes back, and I feel like I'm telling him how it is and setting him straight and he apologizes and I buy it and NOTHING EVER CHANGES. One calculated comment by him about how we are "friends" and I'm suckered back in even though he acts like anything but my friend.
I SO want to be the strong person you are telling me I am...not take his crap anymore, move forward, write it off as his loss. You are an awesome addition to my blog, btw. You are very empowering!
I think that Artboy downplaying the relationship and even calling her crazy is pretty indicative of many things - one being his respect for the opposite sex but mainly I wouldn't be surprised if he's doing it because it's a way to kind of keep you hanging on in case this doesn't work out with them. By saying these things, it makes you not terribly invested in their relationship and may keep you only far enough away where he can still reach you if need-be. For me, personally, when I've had something like this going on, like seriously crushing on someone who wasn't interested in dating, and if I got a bunch of BS as to why they didn't want to date but would continue to try and hook up, as soon as they started dating someone else, I was gone. That was like the final push I needed. So it wasn't that they didn't want to date; it was that they just didn't want to date me. That always felt so insulting to me because, well, I think I'm awesome but whatever :) Also, the comparison stuff is totally normal. Those who deny doing this are LYING!!!
ReplyDeleteSpring IS coming :)
You're totally right. He's completely playing this in a way to keep me on the line in case she dumps him or it doesn't work out.
DeleteLike you said, I keep telling myself that clearly it wasn't that he hates dating, even if he says it now, it's that he didn't want to date me. It WAS me. And that's not a judgment on my quality as a person, it's just factual. Some people just don't want to date certain other people. And do I really want someone who doesn't want me as anything more than a casual sex partner?
I know all of this logically. I want it to click in real life. :/
"I AM NOT WHAT THEY WANTED. And thusly THEY ARE NOT WHO I WANT." = Yes. I forget this all the time!
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part of dating for me is something you mentioned in this post - that the wants are never equal. Either you really want him, or he really wants you; and even if you end up on a date, fairly quickly one decides they don't want the other person at all. I hate that so much!! I really don't understand how two people can become mutually obsessed with each other, but it sounds awesome.
I need to keep reminding MYSELF of those words! It's so easy to forget or overlook (on purpose).
DeleteI swear, many moons ago I found those mutual obsession type relationships, but it's been a long, long time. I'm just sometimes not sure that I'm programmed to be obsessed with anyone who is actually obsessed with me anymore!