Monday, March 4, 2013

I'm a hot mess

It has been a rough couple of weeks, bloggy friends.  I feel like the hits keep on coming, and while I'm trying to keep in good spirits, I'm falling down on the job in a lot of ways.

Work has been insane lately.  Crazy busy and stressful.  The kind of days where I leave and my head is all mixed up and I'm tired and drained and frustrated.

I've been eating awfully.  Not just mildly awful, but full on horrifically bad.  Lots of food and poor choices while I'm at it. 

I've been working out less.  Last week I took two days off, and one day (Sunday) I did only half of my regular workout.  I felt exhausted, and it's probably because of the junk food I've been filling myself with.  I am not kidding when I tell you I have probably gained back the full 5 pounds I'd lost in the last few weeks all in a matter of a week or two. 

I don't know what my deal is.  I mean, I guess I do, but I'm so angry with myself, in a lazy, detached way.  I've actually had a couple of really embarrassing thoughts.  Things having to do with the fact of my perpetual singlehood, and what's the point of being in shape and eating well if no one is around to appreciate it?  That's a humiliating thing to admit, but it's crossed my mind. 

I'm not doing this for any man.  I know that.  I have no man to do it for.  I'm doing it for myself.  But I miss having someone to appreciate my ongoing efforts.  To note my progress.  To see up close and in person how I've changed.  I had that in Artboy.  Now I don't.

I deleted all of his information last week.  We had one more interaction and it went piss poorly, and it hurt me, but not in a world is ending kind of way.  Just in a "one more slight in a pile of slights" kind of way.  The week before he'd been chasing me around, throwing compliments and flirtatious interaction my way, trying to arrange a meetup with me.  Then last week he was MIA again, and when we talked, he was dismissive.  Like I was boring him.  And he actually told me that he was sure someone else would want to fill his slot.  Like seeing me was the equivalent of a dentist appt. to him.

Fuck that.  For the first time I deleted him out of my contacts, off my chat list, out of my phone.  I deleted the last two pictures from my phone that I'd held onto, one of us together and one of just him.  It was liberating, sure.  But it was sad.  I don't know exactly why, because he was a real dick a lot of the time. And being sweet and charming 20% of the time doesn't make up for all the rest, and that's probably a generous count. 

I miss him, anyway.  I miss the way I felt when he looked at me, and how open I felt with him, how my inhibitions were almost non-existent.  Something about him made me feel insanely confident, and it was so empowering.  Except when it wasn't.  Except when he was ignoring me, or being a moody bitch.

I guess I'm just struggling with feeling valuable and worthwhile when no one else is paying attention.  No one is pursuing me really.  All of the old ghosts that come out to play are currently in hiding, they don't need or want me.  E continues to haunt me because this weekend I saw that he'd updated his profile picture on POF, and was back out there in full force.  I felt stupid and angry and used and betrayed, and I really hate that guy.  I hate him for throwing me so far off my game, and I hate myself for letting him have that power.

I need to reboot.  I need to start fresh.  I need to stop eating all this garbage.  I need to stop rationalizing extra days off workouts, or short workouts.  I need to chug a ton more water each day.  I need to walk or do squats or something over lunch breaks.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, stop letting E take up a single square inch of my mind, and I need to let Artboy go.

I can do this.  Right?


  1. Yes dearie, you can do it! I completely understand what you're feeling though. I went through it for a while after the Replay and I ended things. I also had a hard time admitting it to myself and couldn't figure it out. After such a short relationship I felt like I didn't deserve to be so down in the dumps about things. But it had hurt. Once I was able to admit it, I was able to start working back to getting over it. Good luck!

    1. Yeah, I can't even qualify what I had with E as a relationship, but the way things played out has really continued to bother me. :/ I need to just let it go. I was definitely hurt by it, though.

      Thank your for the luck, I'll take it!

  2. You can totally do this! I know it's hard to overcome it all when it all seems to be falling down. And I know it probably doesn't help to say, "Look what you've done." But really, look what you've done thus far. You can totally do it and then some again. We all have those moments where we kind of just need to stop caring about certain things and do what makes us feel good, even if does ultimately make us feel bad in the end. Just think about what you need, do it, and then get back to where you are. And lean on your friends/family/trainer/whoever when you need to. Because they're/we're here supporting you!

    1. Yeah, I feel like I'm flailing a bit right now. I'm trying to begin my redirect today after a dubious start to the morning. I need to get back to planning out my food again to some degree, and back to my full workouts for sure.

      Thank you for the encouragement!

  3. Yep. You can do it. Push through the temptation to not work out and not eat healthy because you're my workout inspirational touchstone! :) Think of how empowered and how much better you felt when you started this whole lifestyle change, and even though you feel like shit emotionally, hopefully working out will mitigate some of that general feeling of crappiness. You can totally do this, bluemoon, and you'll be so glad you pushed through instead of packing back on the weight and being really pissed off at yourself that you let yourself fall back into bad habits. That said, you're entitled to a break now and again.

    It's really interesting that while Artboy completely falls off the grid, makes it clear he's not interested in a relationship, he also somehow makes you feel secure. That's got to be super confusing for you and a tough cycle to break. I think it's good to just delete him. I know easier said than done but this is toxic and most definitely not helping your mood and will be (I know you know) soooo much better in the long-run. As for E: I tried giving him benefit of the doubt and thought maybe he just got totally spooked and ran (not that the way he did it was OK at all, though) but now I've even more doubtful and it sounds like maybe this is his thing and now he's looking for the next bluemoon. Would be so nice if you could somehow announce what a douche he is on this site and for females to beware.

    Also, just as a reminder because I'm projecting and sometimes I just need someone to remind me: this, too, shall pass. Be kind to yourself.


    1. Thank you muchly for your comment. It is full of all kinds of things I needed to hear!

      Yes, the whole Artboy thing has always been endlessly complicated because of the things you pointed out. In person he made me feel amazing, and sometimes when we were apart, but mostly when we were apart he made me feel dismissed, or like an afterthought. Not good. Super toxic.

      E's an asshole. That's all there is to that one!

      I do need to try to be nicer to myself. I'm beating myself up a lot for a lot of things, and to top it all off my skin is breaking out from poor eating, stress, god knows what else. I just have felt so, so unattractive for the last couple of weeks, and it's not helping things!