It has been a rough couple of weeks, bloggy friends. I feel like the hits keep on coming, and while I'm trying to keep in good spirits, I'm falling down on the job in a lot of ways.
Work has been insane lately. Crazy busy and stressful. The kind of days where I leave and my head is all mixed up and I'm tired and drained and frustrated.
I've been eating awfully. Not just mildly awful, but full on horrifically bad. Lots of food and poor choices while I'm at it.
I've been working out less. Last week I took two days off, and one day (Sunday) I did only half of my regular workout. I felt exhausted, and it's probably because of the junk food I've been filling myself with. I am not kidding when I tell you I have probably gained back the full 5 pounds I'd lost in the last few weeks all in a matter of a week or two.
I don't know what my deal is. I mean, I guess I do, but I'm so angry with myself, in a lazy, detached way. I've actually had a couple of really embarrassing thoughts. Things having to do with the fact of my perpetual singlehood, and what's the point of being in shape and eating well if no one is around to appreciate it? That's a humiliating thing to admit, but it's crossed my mind.
I'm not doing this for any man. I know that. I have no man to do it for. I'm doing it for myself. But I miss having someone to appreciate my ongoing efforts. To note my progress. To see up close and in person how I've changed. I had that in Artboy. Now I don't.
I deleted all of his information last week. We had one more interaction and it went piss poorly, and it hurt me, but not in a world is ending kind of way. Just in a "one more slight in a pile of slights" kind of way. The week before he'd been chasing me around, throwing compliments and flirtatious interaction my way, trying to arrange a meetup with me. Then last week he was MIA again, and when we talked, he was dismissive. Like I was boring him. And he actually told me that he was sure someone else would want to fill his slot. Like seeing me was the equivalent of a dentist appt. to him.
Fuck that. For the first time I deleted him out of my contacts, off my chat list, out of my phone. I deleted the last two pictures from my phone that I'd held onto, one of us together and one of just him. It was liberating, sure. But it was sad. I don't know exactly why, because he was a real dick a lot of the time. And being sweet and charming 20% of the time doesn't make up for all the rest, and that's probably a generous count.
I miss him, anyway. I miss the way I felt when he looked at me, and how open I felt with him, how my inhibitions were almost non-existent. Something about him made me feel insanely confident, and it was so empowering. Except when it wasn't. Except when he was ignoring me, or being a moody bitch.
I guess I'm just struggling with feeling valuable and worthwhile when no one else is paying attention. No one is pursuing me really. All of the old ghosts that come out to play are currently in hiding, they don't need or want me. E continues to haunt me because this weekend I saw that he'd updated his profile picture on POF, and was back out there in full force. I felt stupid and angry and used and betrayed, and I really hate that guy. I hate him for throwing me so far off my game, and I hate myself for letting him have that power.
I need to reboot. I need to start fresh. I need to stop eating all this garbage. I need to stop rationalizing extra days off workouts, or short workouts. I need to chug a ton more water each day. I need to walk or do squats or something over lunch breaks. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, stop letting E take up a single square inch of my mind, and I need to let Artboy go.
I can do this. Right?
Can't Tell Me Nothin'
15 hours ago