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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

A difference of opinion

Online dating is annoying.  It can be entertaining, it can be fun, but it can be really, really annoying. 

I don't initiate conversation very often on online dating sites, but every now and again I will send someone a first message.  Personally, if they're not interested, I'd prefer they just ignore me and carry on.  I don't want some awkward reply about why they aren't interested, or even a message just saying they're not interested.  It's not that serious.  Just ignore me, I'll take the hint and we're good.

Turns out that while some people agree with this, others vehemently disagree.  Some men (ahem, many men) on these sites want me to respond to every message I get to tell them I'm not interested.  I find that annoying.  First of all, I get a lot of messages.  Call me a bitch, but I don't want to take the time to respond to each and every one of them, in particular the really asinine ones.  Second, since when did online dating become a contract where I owe everyone something?  If I'm not interested, I'm not interested.  Let's not talk about why, let's not make me explicitly tell you.  My non-response tells you, doesn't it?

Some guy sent me some cheesy message a couple weeks back.  I read it, was bored, deleted it.  This morning I get another message from him. The guilt technique.  "So you didn't reply to my message, I get it.  I was really hoping to get to no (yup, that's how he spelled it) you, but it's your choice.  I guess keep picking the wrong guys and good luck with that."

I'm in no mood to have some strange, bitter little man from the online dating universe try to judge/shame/guilt me today.  I replied.  I told him that I prefer to be ignored if someone doesn't think I'm a match, so this is how I handle things in the reverse.  I pointed out that it's a lose-lose situation, that I'm going to offend someone no matter what because some people like to be told no, others just want to be ignored.  I then told him that his assumption that I just want to pick the wrong guys was uncalled for, and that when it's coming from someone who I've turned down, comes off like sour grapes. TAKE CARE, ASSHOLE.

He wrote back, "At least I got a response, LOL.  Take care of yourself."

I've gotten less tolerant of some of the BS that rolls through my inbox lately on this front.  I've started to reply to the morons, the sulkers, the pompous asses, the ones handing out cheesy lines like it's their job. Then I block them if they bother me.  Fair's fair.

So you see, online dating?  Annoying.  Really wish there was a better option.  But please do not tell me I should just meet people in real life.  People who say that a) already have a boyfriend/husband/significant other b) have been out of the dating world so long they've forgotten how brutal it is and c) are naive if they think meeting people in the real world is either easy or better.  There are just as many assholes and broken toys to be found at the gym or the grocery store or a coffee shop!

Also?  Since I'm on a venting roll....I have gotten so many messages with the saddest, most embarrassing misspellings in them lately.  What about my profile beckons to the uneducated masses???  Oy.  I should add a note to my profile that I'm the type who finds misspellings and typos on menus and business signs and that if you can't spell basic, elementary-level words, we're going to have a PROBLEM.

That is all.

17 comments:

  1. YES! All of those things, yes. I know I expect a lot, but I don't think correct spelling is asking too much. Thnx 4 speekin what im thnkn. (Yes, that unsettled me to type that way.)

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  2. Ugh, the morons are the worst. I got a few of those spiteful/hurt/guilt messages. I responded in a similar tone to yours. One responded again and I just ignored him after that. The best are the ones who forget that they've messaged you before and send another one later.

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    1. Yeah, I'm not going to fight back and forth, but I did want to speak my piece! I get those repeat guys all the time, so lame.

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  3. Yeah, it's no better meeting someone in person sometimes. There are crazies every where you go, unfortunately. But as you've said, all it takes is one. It's just the weeding through that blows. I really think the guys who send those messages are just looking for validation. No way would that guy have just been like, "have a nice day" if you had actually messaged him back saying you weren't interested. If he has the audacity to lecture someone he doesn't even know, he's a pompous jerk.

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    1. The weeding through really, really blows, that's for sure. :o

      Yeah, I definitely think the guys that act that way have something to prove, and you're right...I wouldn't have gotten a nice reply, almost 100% sure!

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  4. Hahaha that message sounds like a “Nice Guy”. Gotta love them. “You don’t know a Nice Guy when you see one, you dumb bitch/slut!”

    And I hear ya about the people who don’t know even basic grammar sending message. I recently deleted all of my profiles (for good) but before it did mine talked about how I love to read and write and how I’m career driven. What about that says “Send me your illiterate, your country boys, your out-of-work losers”?

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  5. I have to write that I think it is polite to reply rather than ignore. I would write back, "Thanks for the note. Don't think we're quite a match, but best of luck on the site." 90% of the time they'd drop it. 10% might ask why. I'd ignore. If they pressed, I would block them at that point.

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    1. Like I wrote, it's a lose lose situation. If I did that I'd get just as many people bitching at me about telling them I'm not interested, you know? I've done it on occasion and I've been told I "looked racist, anyway" among other charming things.

      See, everyone disagrees on this, LOL. Such is life! :)

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    2. For the record, I decided to try to write back to a couple more just to see. I wrote back to three, ALL THREE REPLIED. They were variations of "Please give me a chance" to snarkiness. Mission fail, LOL. I feel like sometimes all that does is open up some dialogue with them, which is NOT what I'm aiming for!

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  6. It may be time to use a different site. I deleted my OkCupid profile after I got a message from a guy named "Prettyfootlover". BTW, this guy contacted me 2 years ago, under a different name, and exchanged all these nice guy messages with me, then after like 5 emails back and forth, he asked me to send me a photo of my "pretty feet" to him. When I saw him pop up again in my inbox, my eyes seriously glazed over and I said "I'm done" and deleted my account.

    And I really hate when people say that I should try meeting people offline. REALLY? Where, are some douchey bar? I don't like to drink, and if I am going to drink, I'm most certainly NOT going to drink a glass of wine for $10 fucking dollars when I can buy an entire bottle (ORGANIC!) at Whole Foods for that price and drink it myself while watching TV in yoga pants. You are right, those people are in relationships or married already. Good advice know it alls!

    Those people just don't know jack shit about dating anymore. How's that long term relationship working for you? Good, okay then, shut your mouth!

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    1. Ugh on the foot guy. So creepy! I've had a couple guys that were SUPER interested in my shoes, in particular any heels I had on in pics. NO THANKS.

      I am TOTAL AGREEMENT with you about the meeting people offline comment. What I especially love is when someone who has been a chronic online dater like myself happens to meet one person in real life, and suddenly they are all SCREW ONLINE DATING, JUST MEET SOMEONE IRL!!!! Yeah, you got lucky.....don't assume we all are so lucky!

      I rarely drink as well, and even if I did, I don't want to date someone I meet at a bar probably. Maybe that sounds bad, but it's true!

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  7. I hate the "Please reply back to my message even if you're not interested" plea too. I really think a guy with a good head on his shoulders would not be an attention whore about the whole thing and beg for a reply whether or not you're interested. Like your comment above, they try to bargain with you anyway to give them a shot.

    I've only written back to say I'm not interested once, and it backfired. To be fair, it was this dude with a ridiculous profile - no punctuation, all lower caps, a good 14 years older than me, and populated with a long whiny rant about how he can't find love. I told him I wasn't interested but gave him a few tips on how he can have better luck in the future. He took it the wrong way and said I was bitchy and that changing his profile would be changing himself...and he wanted to be accepted as-is. Then he asked me out again. I said no, and then he said he was going to block me on OkC. Ok, whatever guy, being blocked from you sounds great to me!

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    1. That's what I would think as well! Honestly, 3/4 of the messages I get and ignore are "Hey" or "Hi" or "Hey sexy". They put half a second of effort in to send me a message..if I'm not interested, why should I put 30 seconds into telling them so? I am SO not interested in the bargaining or negotiation, and many of them seem to think that's what my declination reply is!

      That guy you talk about sounds like an ass LOL. Add him to the list!

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  8. Nothing would make me ignore some random guy messaging me more than obvious misspellings in a message.

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    1. Right? And really basic, easy words. That disturbs me. :/

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