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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

This was what I call inevitable

So I had a session with my trainer tonight.  And on a stupid whim, prior to leaving to meet him, I took my own waist measurement.  Now, for some reason I am incapable of doing this properly.  But I saw a number half an inch lower than last week, and I got the same number a couple of times.  So when I arrived I asked him to check.

NOPE.  I was up half an inch actually.  HA.  I was PISSED.  LIVID.  Frustrated.  Angry.  I felt the tears start to well up, and then I was crying.  At my trainer.  And I vented and ranted and told him how hard this is, and how I feel like none of my changes I'm making matter, and how this kind of failure makes me want to just go back to eating like crap since it's not making a difference, anyway.

He was calm.  He tried to calm me down, but then he saw I was just a lit fuse that needed to burn out, and instead he talked.  He told me it takes time.  That it would take my body 3-4 weeks to reap the full effects of the dietary changes.  He quizzed me about how I'd been eating, asked to be sure I was eating my several small meals a day since that's what works best for me.  Then he weighed me, and as he did it, I ranted about how just the day prior my stupid scale told me I'd gained half a pound.

His scale told me I'd lost two pounds. WTF?

It didn't really make me feel better.  Gain half an inch on my waist, lose two pounds.  WTF?

I cannot describe how difficult this process is for me right now.  Some parts of the day are fine, some days the eating is easier, some days the exercise is easier.  But.

Somedays I feel like all I do is obsess over how and when and what to eat, and I still let myself down in some way.  Somedays the exercise is hard, and I hate every second, and it feels like torture, and I want to quit.  Somedays my clothes are just too damn tight somehow, and the scale is the same or higher, and I am not smart enough/adept enough/something enough to figure out how to accurately measure my own waist.  And it makes me feel like crying.  So sometimes I do cry.  And it makes me feel like I have a current of raging frustration coursing through my body, so I sweat it out in a too hot bath, or a pounding shower.  Sometimes it is just so, so, so, hard.  And I wonder if I can even do this.  Maybe I'm not meant to be any better than what I am now.  Maybe this is the best I can achieve.

I had no idea when I started all of this how emotional it would be.  How draining, how much of a rollercoaster it could be.  I didn't know how much I would be tested, pushed to my limits, strained to the point of breaking.

But I also didn't know I could ever feel this strong.  I didn't think I would ever feel my bicep and feel a toned muscle.  I didn't know I would ever be capable of learning to use some of the machines I've learned, or to do some of the exercises I have.  I didn't think I would ever put on fitted workout pants and a sports bra and look in the mirror and feel proud of myself.  See the changes from my hard work.  Feel the muscles in my thighs, my calves, even my stomach.  I didn't know that I could be a person who stopped being addicted to Starbucks white mochas.  Who sometimes can find willpower when it seems there is none left.  Who can push through a hard workout and never, ever leave without at least 30-40 minutes under my belt.  I didn't know any of this.

When I was getting ready to leave after my session, I told my trainer I was sorry for crying at him.  He assured me easily that it was okay.  That I wasn't the first, and it happens a lot.  And he told me to be patient, and he told me I'd done a good job.

And I believe him.

10 comments:

  1. Stress doesn't help with weight loss either. Get a system down, a routine, and let go. Stop obsessing, you'll feel better. Take a day each week to obsess, that's when you can meal plan for the week and/or plan your workout times or whatever, then just follow it.

    You've come a long way, and in this post, you took time to reflect that. Now you just need to focus on being present each day, instead of always looking ahead. Ugh, that was so a yoga quote!

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    1. That's a very good point about the stress. I know I need to stop being wound so tightly about this, and I'm definitely going to try to lighten up about it.

      I have come a long way, and it's so important to remember that when I'm struggling like I have been.

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  2. Why don't you just stick with one scale, his at the gym. I always find weighing on different scales can be a bitch.....and weighing yourself more than once a week can easily become an obsession that rules your mode for the day.....

    It sounds like you are stronger and more toned and that you love that feeling :) So you ARE making progress through hard work!

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    1. That's what my trainer suggested, so we'll see if I can abide!

      I do need to focus on the improvements I made, and not get so bogged down in the details of it all all of the time. It's exhausting!

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  3. Bluemoon, this isn't supposed to be easy. If it were easy, America wouldn't be overweight. Again, you have to try and be mindful of where you've made progress because you've lost A LOT of weight. You completely changed your lifestyle and, for some, THAT'S the hardest part. Cry. Keep crying and cry some more. It will get easier as long as you stick with it. I remember my stepmom had a really really hard time cutting out sugar. She ate every sugary thing you could think of - including several cokes per day. It took a while for the weight to come off once she gave those things up, but it did. She lost 20 lbs in a few months just by cutting out sweets (mostly). I'm sorry you're frustrated. You got this. You can do it and you will.

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    1. I know everything you said is true. Sometimes it just is so maddening that one can GAIN weight without even trying, but you can work your ass off to lose it and it takes so much longer.

      I keep trying to remind myself that, like you said, it will get easier with time. That, like my trainer said, it will take my body awhile to get used to the dietary changes, just like it took my body awhile to get used to the exercise routine. The rewarding, lasting kind of change is slow, and that's frustrating, but I know that's the way to go.

      Thank you again for your encouragement and support. It helps a TON, truly.

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  4. I don't even know you in real life, but I respect and admire you for putting 110% into this! If there's a way you can take an old photo of yourself and put a current photo of your bad-ass-ness next to it, I think you'll realize how far you've come, and that all your hard work has paid off.

    As cheesy as this sounds, I believe you can do it. We're all here for you!

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    1. Aw, thank you. :) I did that once awhile ago, maybe it is time for a new comparison shot!

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  5. It's such an emotional rollercoaster ride, isn't it? Some days I feel so strong that I'm doing things I never thought I'd do. That I'm seeing muscle I never thought I'd see or feel. But then some days I'm frustrated and angered by the numbers. By comparing myself even when I know I shouldn't. That my whole life seems consumed by what I eat and how much time I spend in the gym. But I appreciate your blog because it makes me aware I'm not alone. And I hope you can find some peace of mind that you're not alone. :)

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    1. You said it so well! Seems like we are on similar journeys, and yes, it definitely makes it better to be reminded others are going through these same highs and lows, all in the name of a better self. :)

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