Tuesday, January 22, 2013


So it's a tuesday that feels like a monday, and hardly anyone is in the office yet.  Until a moment ago, it was unnervingly quiet, but the gentleman across the hall just arrived in his office and is talking loudly on the phone. 

I love three day weekends.  They feel indulgent and lovely.  My weekend was an ideal mix of social and solo.  I saw a couple of movies, I had brunch with a girlfriend, I went out to dinner with some other friends.  I also got some new running shoes, did my grocery shopping and replaced all of my bathroom towels as well as my shower curtain and bathroom rugs.  Subsequently, I did a lot of laundry!  My tiny little bathroom is now revitalized and happier, and I think I can handle it for one more year.  I hope to move when my lease is up next year, and not only that, I hope to be buying a condo or something at that time.

So things with Georgia are moving into gray territory.  He finally got his orders last week and will definitely be arriving in the DC area the first week of February.  He texted me as soon as he found out, which I thought was cute.  But since then our everyday chatter has waned.  I'm not sure if he's just busy getting ready for his move, or if something has turned him off to me, but we're not talking as often.  We wouldn't have talked at all on Sunday if I hadn't messaged him late in the evening, and we didn't talk at all yesterday.  Not so promising!  I don't know if I'm making something out of nothing, but I'm just being realistic at this point, and I just don't know if this is going to go anywhere after all.  We shall see.  All I know is that it's his turn to contact me, and if he doesn't, that's that. 

I did have a busy weekend of chatter with several new guys this weekend.  Something must be in the air lately because I've been getting so many messages, and many of them are from decent, potentially interesting guys.  Who knows if a single one of them will go anywhere, but I guess we'll see.  I'm trying to open myself back up to all of this online dating business.  I've been back in it for awhile now, but I've not met anyone since the dozen roses guy (can't remember if I ever gave him a nickname) and that ended in mid-December at the latest. 

Football season is all but over now, so my built in excuse for staying in solo is gone, and I need to at least be open to the possibility of going out on a date here and there to try to meet some of these guys I'm talking to.  I can't hide forever!  I'm making an effort to be more social again, but sometimes it really is an effort. 

Sometimes my own company is the easiest, and sometimes I go against all the recommendations of everyone I know and I hang out with Artboy.  Just every couple of weeks, but seriously?  It's so easy when we do.  He spent the night a week ago Saturday, and it was just nice.  I'm not nervous around him.  I don't have to worry about what to say.  I was in pajamas when he came over, and we watched "Freddy vs. Jason" on a movie channel because it was on, and then we went to sleep.  I do miss that sometimes (though not all times)...having someone to sleep next to.  We didn't sleep all tangled up the entire night, but at various times he had his arms around me or vice versa, and it felt good to be reminded of how it is to be held. 

I am happy being solo most of the time.  I like having the big bed that I could sprawl out on if I wanted to, even though I mostly sleep on one side.  I like being accountable to no one.  But sometimes I glimpse how it used to be....falling asleep next to someone.  Waking up next to someone.  Having the freedom to put my arms around another warm body without analysis or fear of weirdness after.  And I miss it.  And I want it back.  But I don't know how to get it anymore.

I spent the years from age 19-32 in three long term, serious relationships.  I took it for granted, that companionship, that built in something.  Each of those relationships were flawed in their own ways, but at the end of the day I had someone to hug me if I was upset, or to wrap their arms around me at sleep time.  Now I've been essentially single for almost 2 years.  This is the longest I've ever been single.  I'm so used to it that it's hard for me to imagine how I would fit someone back in if I ever met anyone I liked enough.  But that base instinct remains.  That inner spark that is ignited by reliable human contact, the crook of an arm to fit into, a face I could touch and memorize and find home in. 

Life is weird sometimes.  And today I feel scattered.  But I'm still holding it together.  :-)


  1. I definitely know that feeling. There are times when I'm just so run-down, so exhausted by life in general that I just want someone to hold me.

    1. Yeah, definitely. I've adjusted really well to not having that as a constant for a couple of years now, but every now and again it's really nice to remember how it feels.

  2. I can identify with this, although I'm the opposite, I've never maintained a long term relationship and have always been single. This thing I have with Aquaman is the longest I've had with anyone.

    Besides, I don't think what you're doing with Artboy is wrong, men do it all the time. Perhaps you believe you should be out and social and all that, because of what other people might think? If you enjoy the time you spend alone, then its not time wasted. Although, I'm saying this from the perspective of a certified homebody. Besides, how are you going to save for a house if you are out doing stuff and going to dinners and all that all the time?

    I love quick bathroom makeovers. I did that when I moved, worth it.

    1. You know, reading your comment triggered a little realization for me: you're right. I'm not doing anything wrong with Artboy. In particular now that it's not emotionally screwing with me the same way it was before, now it's just two single people occasionally coming together for easy company. I don't know why I continue to judge myself so harshly for it...perhaps because I've been warned away from him so many times? Either way, the way things are now I know I am not in love with him, I know we are not meant to be, and I'm okay with that!

      As far as the time alone, realization #2! While I do occasionally lapse into antisocial behavior where I do need to force myself out, in general I've always been really good about going to the things I actually want to. I really *do* enjoy my solo time most of the time, and just because the general population thinks I should get out more to be more "normal" doesn't mean I have to buy into that!

      Thank you!

  3. It's so interesting to me to hear you talk about that instinct to fit into the crook of someone's arm and memorize their face. I sounds so beautiful, and it also terrifies me. I've been single my whole 30 years of life - I've had two "boyfriends" but they were less than 5 months each, and neither ever thought of me as his girlfriend. I realized that I don't know how to be in a relationship, I don't know how to compromise all the time. And yet - I want it! At least, I think I do.

    1. It is beautiful, and it is terrifying, LOL. These are the things I miss most about a relationship: the intimacy, the familiarity, the security. Even my bad relationships offered that on some level, and I came to rely on it since I just jumped from one relationship to another.

      Now that I've been on my own for a couple of years, it's scarier to think about how to get to that point, and how to find the line between appreciating that intimacy and comfort level and relying on it. That's something I'm still trying to figure out!