;-) He also told me that I'm getting him in trouble with all of my cardio; he said he has other clients complaining that they can never beat me. :-)
After my strength/toning session with him, I stayed and got 45 minutes of cardio in, so I was basically at the gym for almost two hours working out. It was a good outlet for me, though. I came home after and it was so stupidly cold out, I decided to take a hot bath. I ended up sitting in a too hot bath in the dark, feeling the weight of the day on my shoulders.
Artboy IMed me to say hi, and I told him what a sucky day I had. He didn't respond, and it pissed me off, so I messaged him and said something along the lines of "I need to remember that trying to talk to you about anything of substance is pointless." He responded almost immediately and apologized and asked why my day had been so bad.
Well, that was like opening the floodgates. I told him about my day, and about Angry Ex, and how upset I was and why, and I just vented to him. I told him that I'd never been single this long before, and how I'd never had to work for a relationship before.
He said, "You weren't being picky enough before. That's why it was easier." And you know what? He was right. I'd never thought of it that way before. Truly. When he said that it was like a bolt of realization struck me, and it was so interesting to have that perspective, especially coming from him.
We talked more and I told him that I had a pattern of giving too much without getting enough in return, and how it had burned me, and that now I am so protective of my time and space as a result. I got tired of losing myself in someone else and taking care of the needs of others over my own. He said quite plaintively, "Maybe that's why you like me so much. I'm pretty self sufficient." I conceded the point. "I'm a rare breed," he joked. But it's true.
I remain surprised to say that that conversation with him last night actually made me feel a lot better. It gave me a different perspective, and also? It was nice to have him be there for me as a friend when I needed him. Dumping all of that on him was wholly unplanned, and I certainly didn't expect to have an actual conversation about all of the craziness running through my head. But we did, and it was the first time I've felt that I had validation of why I keep him in my life, and why we still talk everyday and why I still enjoy hanging out with him. He is not perfect. He is not a good romantic match for me in the big picture. But something about him gets something about me, and in those moments, it makes sense.
I eventually went to bed with the help of some Benadryl and Tylenol, and I woke up this morning with a lingering headache. Took one of my migraine pills and by the time I got into the office I felt better. I stopped at Whole Foods downtown and got some egg whites and fruit, and had egg whites and turkey sausage for breakfast with a glass of skim milk, and I have the fruit as a snack for later. We have an All Personnel Luncheon today, so I will have to be careful with that.
I'm trying to handle this eating thing properly. I'm trying to cut back on sugar, eat lots of protein, watch my caloric intake and keep my carbs in check. Right now that means trying to cut back on carbs. My trainer talked to me about low carb work, but I think I just need to find a happy in between. He said I can still have carbs, but it's about balance, and choosing good carbs. If I have cereal for breakfast, I should skip carbs at lunch. That kind of thing, hence the omission of cereal for breakfast today since I know lunch will probably have carbs.
I imagine it will take me awhile to sort this out, but I'm trying. I've never paid this much attention to my eating habits before, and it is hard and eye opening, but I think it will ultimately be beneficial. I'm working towards a lifestyle change moreso than a diet because diets come and go, but lifestyle changes stick. I just want to take better care of my body and support the serious efforts I've got in place with my exercise regime. I also think that these modifications can only help my entire body feel and function better, and that's always a plus!
Tonight I will go to the gym, and then I'm going to try to get to bed earlier than usual. I think that can only help, too, and there's no reason to stay up until 1am every week night.
So far today is a better day. I feel more in control of things again, and that is a nice change from yesterday. Hopefully in a couple of days the hormonal stuff will head out the door, the dietary modifications will settle in a bit more, and I will start to reap more benefits of my efforts again.
Cheers to re-focusing, a great support system here from all of you, and an unexpected voice of reason in the form of Artboy. :-)