I hate Facebook. It has its benefits when it comes to keeping in contact with friends and family living far away from me, but sometimes it just provides too much access.
I had a weird moment this weekend. I was driving, listening to an older playlist on my ipod. A song came on, and it was one that was introduced to me by Angry Ex a few years ago. Against my better judgment, I had a moment of nostalgia for the good parts of that relationship. I allowed myself to feel it without punishing myself with reminders of how much more bad there was in there than good.
So today I'm on Facebook, and I think of Angry Ex. For some reason I unblock him on FB, and I go to a profile picture that he commented on years ago, and I see his FB profile picture. It's a wedding picture. It's a picture of him cutting a wedding cake with the girl he started dating two months after we broke up. The girl he bitched and complained and ranted about. The one he said couldn't hold a steady job, never had reliable income, took advantage of his money. The one he claimed he wanted to break up with to me over and over again. The one he conveniently put out of his mind when he sexually propositioned me over and over again while they were still dating and we were still talking. The one he told me he never loved the way he loved me. That one.
He married her. Apparently very recently, as the picture was dated January 7 and someone congratulated him on January 8.
I don't want him. I haven't wanted him for ages. He was the meanest person I've ever dated, and I've never, ever felt as bad about myself as I did when I dated him. He was manipulative, sneaky and had serious anger management issues. He tore me down. He said the cruelest things he could to me when we argued. In spite of the good memories I did have with him, the fact remained that anytime he's contacted me in the last year, my stomach sinks and I feel nauseated and my heart pounds. He scares me.
Just last month he emailed me to tell me how hard of a time he was having. How he'd sabotaged himself with his past legal issues when it came to his dream job. How he'd cut off his entire family because they were toxic, and how few friends he had left. He was looking for sympathy and compassion and the old Bluemoon way of being a stupid, illogical sucker willing to hand all of these things out for nothing in return.
He got jack shit for his troubles. I deleted the email and didn't reply. But now I'm even angrier that he had the nerve to contact me. Clearly the wedding was in the works at that point. Clearly SOMETHING wasn't going so terribly. In the picture he looks really happy and it pisses me off. I know that in reality the relationship is probably still a trainwreck on some level, and even if it weren't? I still don't want him. I dodged a barrage of bullets by not ever getting engaged to him like we talked about, and I am thankful everyday for the ways I have grown and become a better advocate for myself since that disaster of a relationship.
So why does it still hurt? Why did that picture, those smiles, that stupid wedding cake make me so angry? Why does it feel like I've been kicked in the stomach? Why am I fighting back tears over a manipulative, raging piece of crap like him? The good times were all a mirage, they were not what was real. What was real in that relationship was the anger, and the belittling, and the emptiness I felt inside. The isolation.
I hate that this bothers me. And I hate that this has made me have even a single moment of self-pity, of wondering why that asshole gets to be happy and find someone when I don't. I even had the thought pass through my mind that I wished he could see me now, how much I've changed myself inside and out, and how much he would want me if he could.
All this proves is exactly why I need to leave him blocked and cut off in every single possible way. I don't even have to talk to him to start feeling all screwed up inside like I used to when we were together. Just the existence of him in my world for half a minute is enough to cause a tornado of bullshit emotion and I hate him for that. I really do.
She can have him. Aside from that, I hope he never, ever, ever tries to contact me again. And if he does, I hope I never know about it.
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because even if we don't want someone, even if they treated us terribly, even if we *know* we're better off . . . we want to know why we weren't worth all the beauty, kindness and happiness we deserved and we gave. it hurts to know someone doesn't care enough or love us enough, even when they're incapable for whatever reason. even when they're complete scum. even when we are glad we're not the one stuck with someone so evil.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I needed to read this! This really pinpoints a big part of why this bothers me...why wasn't I good enough for this in his mind? In the end, though, I know he could never give me what I want, and my emotions about this are just mixed up.
Deletetotally get that. *we* know we're amazing, and it's hard to figure out why other people can't just not be stupid and realize that. (whether we want them or not.) ;)
DeleteHugs. :( Don't feel bad about having a moment of self-pity, because you're human. I've found it's nearly impossible to NOT have some sort of reaction to something like this, because you devoted a significant amount of your time and life to this jerk, and of course seeing that photo will dredge up old emotions.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that the longer you live the awesome life you deserve, the more your emotions let go. (Unfortunately it seems like the little buggers are like kittens and manage to leave one claw stuck in your sweater no matter how hard you try to remove their paws.) Good or bad, they won't leave.
I know this probably pales in comparison to your relationship with Angry Ex, but I'll share the story of the the bully who verbally abused and tortured me in elementary school. He was a horrible, awful person who cut me down and made me feel like I was fat and worthless, and as an emotionally fragile chunky 10 year old, that's not something I dealt well with. Several years ago, a high school friend had tagged him in a photo on Facebook. He was disgustingly fat. And according to LinkedIn, he's never left our tiny hometown. Basically put, he's a loser.
Regardless... even knowing karma has obviously kicked his ass, I still feel ashamed and embarrassed for the times I was bullied by him. Like your Angry Ex, he doesn't even deserve a second of my time, yet my emotions won't allow me to completely forget how he made me feel, even though I obviously won out in the fulfilling life department.
Thank you, I really appreciate your comment. I'm doing better now, but in that moment I just felt so blindsided. I *did* invest two years with this guy, and I sacrificed a lot, both in a practical sense and an emotional one, and I guess part of me is still pissed off that I got so ripped off by that relationship. I gave and gave and gave and as a result I left feeling like less of a person than I'd started as.
DeleteYour analogy to the cat claws is very fitting, too! I think some of this stuff will stick with me in some way for a long time, and it's just a matter of separating the initial instinctual reaction from the facts of it all, which I do know gets easier with time.
As far as your bully story, I totally identify. It was validating to see that Angry Ex didn't look his best even in his wedding picture, and even worse, I felt a little pump of victory knowing that in the month or so prior to his wedding he was still reaching out to me. I don't wish his new wife any ill will, but it's more about knowing that in spite of all appearances to the contrary, he's still the same screw up he was before.
One more thing to just file away and try to move forward from, I suppose.
Wow, the first paragraph of your response really hit home with me just now. I think this is something I've been failing to admit to myself about my ex for over 2 years now.
DeleteYeah, it's something I continue to struggle with in particular from that relationship. It can be hard to see when you're too close to it, I know that has definitely been the case for me!
DeleteShit like this is what is pushing me closer and closer to deleting my facebook account. I totally understand how you feel - it's not about wanting them, it's trying to understand why YOU weren't enough and someone else was (among other things). It's a horrible feeling and, as I'm sure you know, this will subside. Once they're married, it's like pulling off a bandaid - it's like you NEEDED to see that to move on even further. Having kids will also be tough but hopefully by that point, you will be in a safer place where seeing or hearing anything about him is nothing more than a nuisance.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I know I won't delete FB, but sometimes I just HATE the access it provides me, you know? Sometimes I forget my better judgment and I give in and look, and it never turns out well. :/
DeleteYou're right, though..the whole thing is more about that initial reaction of why wasn't I enough for this step? As far as the idea of him having kids, I wish her good luck if she wants that, as that man has some serious sexual issues that will make getting PG the natural way quite challenging. :/
Now that the marriage is done, its done, and maybe like you said it can be the final chapter in a book that I've been trying to quit for two years!
I agree with Tracy and Noah. You're upset because for some reason you weren't good enough for him. Reality is, he wasn't good enough for you. Think of what that girl has to pretend to be, just to be with him. You know him well, you know she is probably full of compromises and letting him get his way. What a fool.
ReplyDeleteThat's not you, at least the person I've been reading for the last few months. You didn't bend to his will, and not replying and deleting his last email is proof of that. Now block/delete/whatever him from Facebook. I also hate Facebook, but like to keep up with my yoga teacher on there, so it stays for now.
Now that the fog of shock has lifted a little, I will agree that he wasn't good enough for me, and that my initial feelings of "why wasn't I enough" were misplaced. And you're right....she will never be enough for him no matter how hard she tries, or what she does to please him. He has so many issues of his own that he projects onto everyone else that he will always find fault, and he will always justify his own bad behavior.
DeleteI would like to think that I am no longer that person bending to the point of breaking for the approval of someone who never appreciated me fully in the first place. It still all stings in an abstract way, but I do know that my biggest fault in that relationship was not being true to myself, and that I would be hard pressed to behave that way again after the lessons learned with Angry Ex.
Oh honey this sucks major, but I'm glad you're trying to keep positive and remember the good things you have going now. A few weeks ago I was out with friends and I literally ran into Mr. Diffident (my almost-husband) and his wife. They were married within 8 months of our 3-year relationship ending. It's been about 2.5 years since that relationship ended and it still sent me into a tailspin to see them together. I actually ran away. In a few weeks I'm going to be seeing them again at a friend's party - so not looking forward to that.
ReplyDeleteOh wow, that would sting, and I think you are a brave soul for goingto another event where you'll see them again! I'm SO glad none of my exes and I share a social circle post-breakup...I can't imagine.
DeleteYes, definitely trying to keep perspective and not get lost in those misdirected initial feelings of inadequacy. That's not who I am anymore, and if I'd stayed with him, in that toxic thing, I would be a shadow of the person I've become.
It makes me think of this rather interesting quote I saw somewhere: "I'm a stronger girl than I was before motherfucker, and im strong enough to say its all thanks to you." Now, I'm not going to give him ALL the credit like the quote does, but if I hadn't been put through the wringer with him I don't think I would have come out half as much of a badass as I am now. :)
Oh hunny I'm with you on this one. I've written about the same thing. My ex-fiance just got engaged to some little young blonde skinny twit that he's been dating for 8 months. It's normal to feel shitty about it. You don't want him but part of you resents that he's getting his little happy life while you're trying to deal with the whole dating thing. HUGS. Put the block back on and try not to think about it. I know when my ex actually gets married I'm going to have to deal with the same thing. I just hope I can talk myself out of looking at the pictures.
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head: I don't want him, but I resent him. I know logically I don't want what he has, because it's a charade that won't last long. But the theory of it is what I want, and I'm pissed that he even gets that much considering what a crappy person he is. Alas, it's time to let it go, and hopefully he will stay away.
DeleteYes, please try to refrain looking at the pictures if you can. Trust me, nothing good will come of that. :/
OMG that's it exactly. Part of my brain said, HEY! He made my life hell for 5 years! How come he gets to be happy and I'm still screwed up?
DeleteI'm seriously going to try. I've had 3 ex boyfriends get engaged in the past few months but only one of them was my fiance. He'll be the hardest to deal with.