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Monday, January 28, 2013

Monday made of gray

This morning was seriously gloomy!  First of all, I slept through my alarm and just happened to wake up all disoriented at 7:35 in the morning.  Missed my first bus because it came by early and stood in the rain and cold for extra long to make sure I didn't miss the next one.  Got to Metro and just missed my train, and had to wait 8 minutes for the next, again outside in the cold.  Metro was laggy today and we kept idling in between stations, thus making me even later.  Walked my nearly six blocks to the office cursing winter and dreaming of a warming spring.  Got to work an hour and fifteen minutes late.  This is *EXACTLY* what a Monday feels like to me. 

Got to work, had my breakfast of egg whites and turkey sausage.  Had my mock hot drick of skim milk and Ovaltine Chocolate Malt mix because I was cold and needed it.  Currently starving and wondering when lunch is, even though I'm very blah about my lunch.  I wasn't feeling so motivated last night, so I have a sandwich awaiting me, plus an admittedly nice bowl of fruit I put together myself (grapes, blackberries, strawberries, raspberries and blueberries).  I need to get started on my water intake for the day, but again, I'm feeling blah about it.  I have carrots and hummus as well as cashews and Laughing Cow cheese available as snacks or lunch supplements.  Dinner tonight will probably be some tilapia and a vegetable. 

I am so bored of obsessing over food, but I'm really struggling with it on the weekends.  I essentially ate way too much each day, and granted, it was stuff that was much better for me than things I would have previously overindulged in. But a boatload of extra calories, carbs and sugar will still make me feel fat and actually gain weight.  I MUST get this under control.  Eating right is turning out to be a tremendous struggle for me, in particular on days when I don't have a strict routine.

I don't want to think this much about food.  I don't want to feel deprived or hungry or overwrought with numbers and calculations and expectations.  I don't want the scale to go up again, I don't want to regain the half an inch I lost off my waist last week.  I want to eat better, be better, do better, feel better, look better.  But I want it to be easier, and I want to have the self control to handle myself on a weekend, even on a day when I have no set plans and I'm all alone and have no one to make me accountable in any way.  But it is damn hard, and I'm really struggling.

I hope this gets easier with time, but I also know that in order for that to happen, I have to figure out how to get myself under control EVERY day, not just on weekdays.  Five days of good can be totally negated by two days of out of control choices.  Why is this so hard???

8 comments:

  1. That has GOT to be really tough. Imagine people who have seriously bad eating habits and who are morbidly obese; how the heck do THEY change their lifestyle? Choosing to get fit and eat healthy is a really big undertaking and you're doing a great job. Some days will be better than others and, like you said, you're really cognizant now but it will be like second nature once you get it down. You've already lost a half inch? that's awesome.

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    1. I had lost half an inch last week on Thursday, weekend probably gave it back. :/

      Yeah, it's a struggle, but I'm AWARE now, and that has to matter. I'm trying, and I will keep trying, and eventually it has to get easier. Look at the SBux part, I've stuck to that with almost no effort at all!

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  2. Ugh. Today *is* just a shitty day all around. But it sounds like you've made huge steps from where you started (in terms of food), and you should be proud of that! Don't be too hard on yourself. :) The fact that you're no longer eating the stuff that you used to when you "slipped up" is already an improvement. It will get easier, but it will never be *easy*. Keep up with your routine (but try to vary healthy things... nothing worse than getting sick of eating fruit ;), and I think you'll be able to kick the weekend slipups. :)

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    1. Yeah, I know that eating too much of healthier things is better than eating too much of a bunch of bad things, and I am factoring that in. I just really can't wait for it to get easier, but I know it will take a little more time.

      Variety is definitely huge for me, and I'm working to add different things in, so hopefully that will help, too. :)

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  3. I feel your pain. I'm tired of having it be a numbers game and having to really look at everything I eat and consider if it's a "good" food. I'm waiting for the day it all feels natural but it feels so far away.

    Hang in there...you can do it!

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    1. Same here! It does feel far away. Right now eating is like math class, LOL.

      Thank you for the encouragement! :)

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  4. You could keep a food journal, it sucks, but it works. Planning healthy meals is hard because there is so much quick, processed food out there that you can grab and go.

    I used to have a serious fast food addiction, secret eating, the works. That is gone, but my food addiction in general will never go away. I found that the more educated I was about my food, the healthier choices I made.

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    1. Yeah, I'm tracking my food on myfitnesspal.com, have been for a couple of weeks now. Hope to not have to do it forever, but for now I need to!

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