Focus, I'm lacking it

I have started and deleted half a dozen blog entries this week.  I can't commit to a subject, or it's late at night and I wonder if I'm being too weird, or I get distracted.  Each night after work I go home and I think about all of the things I should be doing.

I should be cleaning up my apartment.
I should be going to the gym.
I should be writing.

If I got credit for thinking about these things, I would be riding sky high with success.  As it turns out, success actually requires some measure of effort.

I did finally drag my sorry self to the gym last night.  I'm going again tonight, and I hope to go each day this weekend, too.  MUST re-establish a routine.  I go in with a goal to do a minimum of 30 minutes, and if I exceed that, all the better.  Last night I  did 45, then came home and did another 20 via Fruit Ninja on the XBox Kinect.  ;-)

Writing, I'm still stuck.  Seriously stuck.  Cleaning I'm less concerned about.  I'm not living in squalor or anything, I could just stand to vacuum.  It's just not that crucial! I did manage to get all of my art hung last weekend.  I was pretty impressed with myself, especially for getting the triptych hung evenly spaced and level. 

I also have art by Artboy now.  So sue me.  Kid is talented, even if he is a generalized pain in my ass. 

The weekend is drawing near.  I'm undertaking a strange task this weekend, which is the first step in figuring out how to sell my wedding rings.  It's time.  I've been divorced since December 2008, separated since November 2007.  Something shifted in the balance of my world this week, and I feel like I really need to unburden myself of these final, solid reminders of that failed marriage.

I am going to visit a local jeweler I've spoken with to get some insight into how to proceed, and what I may expect to get.  I know I will be very lucky to get a quarter of what they're worth, but hey...a quarter of what they're worth is more value to me than the rings anymore.

This is a boring kind of post.  Maybe I will get all thoughtful and introspective in a separate post, but I think I'll let this one be what it is. 

 Happy Friday!

FYI, Twitter folks

As an FYI, I have deleted my old Twitter account and created a new one.  The updated account is noted on my blog, somewhere along the side, just for future knowings. I have followed all my old peeps on the new account, and I hope you follow me back!  You can find me at @bluemoondc , where tiny bits of randomness and perhaps occasional wit may abound.  MAYBE.

This is why I don't date well.

Seriously, I am really annoyed right now.  Remember I mentioned that other guy I went out with in November who contacted me out of the blue a couple weeks back?  I was wholly unimpressed with him ignoring my email after our date back then, only to saunter back around multiple months later.  I waffled about replying to him, but in the end decided to see what he had to say.  He claimed he'd never gotten my message (BULLSHIT), but he was really cute, and I thought maybe I should give him a chance.  At worst, I thought I could go out with him and then bail on him, LOL.

We talked on the phone one night for about half an hour, which was fine, but kind of boring.  We agreed to get together on Sunday.  Saturday he texted me and told me he forgot he had to help his brother and wanted to reschedule for Monday.  I told him no worries about sunday, and didn't acknowledge the monday suggestion.  I wasn't feeling it.

He messaged me again monday asking me how I was.  Ignored.  Just didn't care.  Messaged me tuesday night saying something about how I was obviously pissed about him "standing me up" on sunday and how he was sorry, but it is important for him to help out his family.  I was annoyed that he was making this some big personal thing, when I just was not interested, so I responded and told him he hadn't stood me up, and I wasn't pissed about anything, just busy.  He was still a little defensive, and again, I didn't feel invested enough to care.  I told him eventually that our timing had just been off.

He asked later if I still wanted to get together.  That was yesterday.  I responded this morning and told him the same thing I told the other guy:  My heart isn't into dating right now.  He replied and told me something along the lines of "Fine, your loss.  Good luck with things." 

Seriously, November guy?  My loss?  You went out with me in November, told me you wanted to go out again, then ignored my message the next day.  You play around on the online dating world and realize that the pickings are questionable, and realize that in fact, I was a pretty good catch.  So you lurk back around and then play dumb about my message, thinking that you're good looking enough to slide by.  By now I'm bored with you, and your ego is bruised that I'm not quaking in my wedges to go out with you.  So now it's my loss?

Also, he spelled loss "lose".  WINNER.  My lose, indeed.

Now I know what desperation looks like.

Date guy texted me this morning to ask if we were still on for tonight.  I told him I needed to cancel, and that my heart wasn't into dating right now.  He responded to tell me that he understood, but that it would be a no pressure kind of hang out night.  He then told me to let him know if I change my mind, and that he thinks I would be glad if I did.  :-/

Sigh.  Maybe the book I'm reading is making me paranoid, but he just seems like too much.  Trying too hard.  The book I'm reading is a scary, disturbing, but awesome story about an abusive, controlling boyfriend.  It's really kind of in my head, but honestly, this guy in real life seems just a little too heavy handed already.  Not in an abusive, book villain kind of way, necessarily, though in another parallel, he's in law enforcement and the guy in the book is a cop, LOL.

Maybe it's totally innocent.  Maybe my imagination is working overtime because of a book and clouding my judgment without me fully realizing it. Maybe he's my soulmate and I'm going to miss out.  But I just have a funny feeling about it, and I don't want to meet him anymore.  No, thank you.

Flawed or not, my gut says no, so I'm going to say no.

Then I fell asleep

Thursday has landed.  This week is flying by, probably because I've been so insanely busy.  Seriously, yesterday was mentally exhausting.  I'm having the kind of days where every moment is filled, and it is chaotic and I have to juggle and I am getting so, so much done.  Thusly, good busy, not bad busy.  But it's draining.  I came home from work last night after the most hectic day yet, and I promptly fell asleep for about 3 hours.  That goes beyond a nap and into excess territory.  I stayed up until about 12:30, then went back to bed. 

I also had a realization last night.  I think I simply have too much going on to be focused on dating right now.  I have scheduled plans tonight with that guy I mentioned earlier, but I am positively dreading it.  I don't care right now.  Plus, he just seems to need too much from me already and I haven't even met him.  He texts too often, even when I tell him I'm insanely busy.  Then at the end of the day yesterday he sent me a text that said "Text me when you get off work please."  I felt like I was in trouble.  It was weird, and I wasn't in the mood, so I ignored it.

Got home, fell asleep.  Woke up to another text from him that said "Not home yet?".  Seriously?  Maybe I'm just being ridiculous, but it felt cloying and like an overstep.  I ignored him again for awhile before responding "I fell asleep".  He texted back "Still awake?".  I waited awhile on purpose then responded that I had gotten something to eat, talked to my mom, and was going back to bed.  He responded "Let me know if you want to chat."  Um.  Yeah.  I just told you I was going back to bed.

I just don't have the energy or interest in dealing with anyone who needs anything from me right now.  Everyone needs something from me at work, so when I get off work, the last thing I want to do is be accountable to someone, especially someone I've never even met.  I don't want to feel obligated to have text conversations or take part in an annoying first date.  Lately, I just want to come home and be by myself because all day long I am interacting with dozens of people, and I just need a people break.

Don't worry, I'm not being entirely antisocial.  I went out last saturday with friends, I went out to a movie sunday night with a friend.  This weekend I'm going to see the last Batman movie with a friend on Saturday, and to a baseball game on sunday with another friend.  I'm social when I want to be, but I'm also perfectly content being on my own for most of the weeknights. 

My focus is on work lately.  Dating is a footnote, and lately even that feels like too much of a demand.  I feel annoyed when I get an email notification on my phone and it's a message from a dating site telling me I have a new communication.  I get frustrated and roll my eyes when I see a text from that guy come across my phone.  I feel totally turned off to the idea of this date tonight. 

I am giving everything I have to work right now.  I am involved in so many things there, I feel awesome about my role and the work I am doing, and that is enough right now. More than enough.  I'm happy to spend time with my friends, but I don't have the interest in building anything new right now.  It's another one of those strange realizations for me.....but it's true.  Dating is just not a priority.  My heart isn't in it.  I'm thriving at work, and even though it's exhausting, I feel awesome about what I'm doing lately. 

I think I may cancel that date for tonight.  Truly, like I said, my heart isn't in this right now.  I don't want to go, I'm not interested, and if I do soldier through, chances are my attitude will infect the date regardless.  I just want to disentangle myself from all of this right now, focus on other things. 

Right now I just want to see the Batman movie.  Watch a baseball game.  Get a free blowout from Ulta on friday night.  Finally get some errands done.  Look forward to my trip back to my hometown a couple weeks after we do the rollout at work.  Try to find someone to go to the amusement park with me. :-)

Life these days is tiring, hectic, and overwhelming in some ways, but I love it, and I'm happy, and I feel like I have a purpose and am being productive, and that is enough.   

Chipped nails

I stayed up too late.  I overslept by an hour. I had to flag down my bus in order to not miss it.  I forgot to pay for said bus trip and had to be reminded a block into the ride.  I was hot and sweaty by the time I got to the office.  My desk is seriously overflowing with work, and everybody thinks everything is a rush.

My nail polish is chipping.  I brought the polish in with hopes of maybe fixing it over lunch, but we'll see.  I do look cute today, in an outfit cobbled together during the rush this morning.  I brought leftovers to eat today, as I actually cooked myself a real meal with meat, vegetables and a bit of jasmine rice last night. 

I have laundry to do.  Floors to vacuum.  Cat food to buy.  Apartment complexes to call and complain to.  Car insurance to pay.  A novel to write. 

My ex-husband, who for years has asserted how much my friendship means to him, is straight up ignoring me right now because his lady is obscenely threatened by me. 

My ex-boyfriend and his wife had their baby recently.  I hate Facebook for giving me a means to know that.  It's weird.   That might have been me in another lifetime.

I'm staying up even later than usual lately, but I've had company.  It's entertaining and fun and means absolutely nothing.  Something to break up the late night monotony. 

I have a date thing on thursday evening in Old Town.  I'm trying to not be so jaded, and to give people a chance on occasion. 

I had Corn Pops for breakfast because they sounded like a good idea at the store and I hadn't had them in years.  I bought the ingredients to make chili even though it's 100 degrees outside because I had a random urge for chili.  I'm reading a really good book with scenes that take place in the winter, and mentions of soup and hot things inspired me, I think. 

This is the way I spend my time when my desk is overflowing.  ;-)  Must get back to work.

It's because of the licorice

"All I ask of you
just open up a little bit more..."

Lightning strikes again.  And again.  And again.  I thought I broke the streak this morning, unwittingly, unintentionally.  But it sparked back up again tonight.  Tonight little embers caught fire.  It felt like before.  It felt like new. 

All of the lectures I've received, all of the scoldings, the disappointed glances, the shaking of heads.  The total lack of comprehension for what the hell I continue to do with this person.  It all fades into the background, growing dimmer the more we talk.  The more I get tangled up in the web of him.  I have all of this awareness, this caution, this resolve..until I don't.

I actually have shivers.  Smiles I can't suppress.  That I don't want to suppress.  Screw it.  

All I ask of you, just open up a little bit more....and if I do it right, if I'm careful, but not too careful, he does.  For whatever reason, I can feel his need for me the last few days.  He keeps getting pulled back to me of his own accord, confiding little pieces of himself each time, barely noticeable.  I'm not even doing anything.  I'm just there, just me.  Nothing different.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I got a picture from him tonight.  I have actual physical reactions to pictures of him.  My stomach flips.  I get sincere shivers, and the idea of him and how he feels is tangible to me in that moment.  I remember how soft his hair is to run my hands through.  The piercing, see straight through me gaze.  The way he smells clean and delicious even though he doesn't wear cologne. The mischievous, sexy smile that I would wager every possession I have on being sincere and true, even if he would never admit it outside of the moment.

I remember with almost painful clarity how careful and tender his touch is.  I always remember that specifically, because that touch completely blows to pieces this idea that he is always detached or weird or emotionally broken beyond repair.  He may be all of those things in some measure.  But inside of him somewhere is that person who touches my face so carefully, one hand on each side, like it is fragile, like it is precious, who draws my face to his for kisses that feel like every best moment I've ever had in my life times three, tied up in the most complicated and fantastic bow.

The below is an excerpt from our actual conversation tonight.  Almost the very beginning of it. This is the kind of interaction we sometimes have.  Frequently have.  It makes no sense to anyone but us, and sometimes not even that.  It is illogical, nonsensical, random, crazy.  And I love it.  Logic and rationale and history be damned.  These are things I will remember, these wonderfully dysfunctional and strange moments.

11:57 PM him: shush

 me: you

11:58 PM him: i love you

 me: it's because of the licorice

12:00 AM him: yup

Perfect (flawed) Fit

"In comes the dawn,
I've fallen asleep with my head pressed against your flaws"
-All I Ask of You by Skrillex

Sometimes the really broken things feel just right.  Sometimes the things that you know you should run away from are the things that draw you in.  Sometimes when you decide not to care, the door opens again, for a minute.  An hour.  A weekend.  Someone you thought you had to write off (someone you probably should still write off, someone you will vow to write off a hundred times over) inches their way back in to your world, just a little.

You feel the electric pulse of them.  You feel the dysfunctional, enigmatic, completely wrong connection, and you let yourself feel it.  You know it will probably hurt later, but it's worth it in the moment.  To feel that pulse is to feel present, alive, flexing with possibility and stimulated nerve endings and that fluttery feeling in your heart.

Unsolicited compliments.  Unexpected insight.  Momentary windows.  Sometimes when you stop holding on so hard, it comes back around to you all on its own.  Once. Twice.  More.  And you let yourself carefully appreciate each little moment because you know it will go away.  Soon.  Suddenly.  Unsympathetically.  Unceremoniously.

And you know someday you will have to wrap it all up in a box and put it away entirely.  You know it's not healthy in the long run.  You know the rollercoaster will lose its luster eventually, or that you will lose your tolerance for it.

But today is not that day.  Right now you just soak in the glow of it.  Tomorrow you will file it away with the flaws you already know, that hold this back, but that you accept.  Tomorrow.

Grr.

It's really, really annoying when I continue to find obnoxious, frustrating people so damn attractive.  Will it ever go away?  Shouldn't their bothersome personality traits neutralize their ferociously random sex appeal to me?

Apparently not....one picture, unsolicited, unexpected (and not even a little dirty) and I'm all aflutter with "damn, he's sexy" butterflies.

Can we be friends?

Can we be friends? 

Isn't that one of the most cliched cliches to ever exist?  Early on in my dating adventures (you know, about 15 months ago), I did this to a couple of poor souls.  I knew not what I was doing, I swear!  I just hadn't learned yet how to gracefully and maturely exit something that wasn't a match, and I worried about hurting feelings and somehow thought this would help. 

It doesn't.  Especially when you don't mean it!

I had a date last night.  He doesn't get a nickname because he's done already.  Date was fine, we met at a pub I've been to on probably 5 first dates now.  He was cute enough, funny enough, nice enough.  We had good conversation, he asked me a lot of questions, told me a lot about himself.  I thought it went well enough.  It was one of those things where we really got along, and though I hadn't felt a torrent of fireworks on the date, I'd have given it another shot on date #2, just to see.

Well, I texted him to thank him for dinner afterwards and told him I had a good time.  He replied back shortly thereafter and said something along the lines of "I don't think it was a romantic connection for either of us, but I really enjoyed your company and would love to make a new friend".  Sigh. 

So this guy wasn't my soulmate.  He didn't send shockwaves of sex appeal rippling through the air between us.  I didn't nervously blush or stammer in his presence.  But the fact remains that being on this end of a deal like that is no fun, even if he's right.  75% of the time I'm on that side, and while I don't love that either, at least I feel like I get a vote.  This way is just so....decided!

I didn't respond for awhile, but eventually sent back some flippant, "Sure, we can give that a whirl" even though I totally don't intend to.  I wanted to seem like a good sport, and I feel like it was partially my fault he went that direction in the first place.  During our date, we were talking about our online dating experiences, and I mentioned that I'd ended up friends with a couple of them.  So I think I opened that door, LOL.  Difference is that those just naturally evolved into friendships, we didn't DECIDE to be friends.

Oh, dating.  I really hate you sometimes.  ;-)

Give me a break, man.

I am not bluemoon, the last chance saloon.  I am not here to be your ego boost, or your fallback plan, or something for you to settle with.

A guy I went on a date with in the fall messaged me today.  I actually met him for the first time the same weekend I met Baltimore.  Go figure. I liked him, he seemed very nice and sincere, and he suggested we get together again while we were saying goodbye in the parking lot.  I messaged him the next day to say it was nice to meet him, thank him for the date.  He never replied.  He just vanished.  I wrote it off because sometimes that happens.

Today I get "Hey, how have you been?"  I debated about responding, but couldn't help myself.  I replied "I'm good.  Surprised to see you resurface, since the last thing I remember is you not responding to my message after we went out."  Sure, it may have been petty, or unnecessary, butI wasn't going to pretend it hadn't happened. 

Just because you've made some laps in the online dating pool and realized that I was a pretty awesome girl doesn't mean that you get to just pop back up after being a jackass.  Not impressed.

Meanwhile, I saw Baltimore again on Friday.  We swung back away from the perimeter of boyfriend-like behavior to ambiguity.  We did talk for about 25 minutes in his driveway before I left that night, which was interesting.  He finally asked me to let him know once I got home.  It always bothered me that he'd never asked before, and I told him as much, LOL.  We're just a random little disaster, and I guess so long as I'm not tied up with anyone else, it doesn't really matter.

I do have a date tomorrow night.  I'm returning to a little pub nearby that I've been on a handful of dates at before.  ;-)  Not my suggestion this time, but I was pleased when he suggested it.  He lives two exits down the highway from me.  I've been talking to him for a couple of weeks, so we'll see how it goes.  Feels like it's been a bit since I've gone on a date, though I guess it's not been so long.

I told a friend about the date and she asked if I was excited.  Before I even answered she read my expression and it was declaring "LOW EXPECTATIONS, LOW EXPECTATIONS!"  It's a little sad, but honestly the fact is that I am certainly becoming a bit jaded.  I don't feel particularly excited.  I feel like things will go one of the following ways:

1) It will not translate in person on either side.  We'll muddle through being cordial and friendly, and never talk again.

2) He will like me and I will be unimpressed.

3) I will like him and he will be unimpressed.

Sigh.  Oh, to have legitimate dating hope again!  Why couldn't Baltimore just be more right than wrong?

Oh, hi!

I think I'm experiencing some sort of summer blog malaise.  I recall this happening every year when I still posted consistently on livejournal, and that it seemed to be a common thing.  It's not as if I'm too busy to post...it's more like I open a new post and stare at the page blankly off and on for an hour before closing it out.

There have been crazy storms, power outages, holidays.  There have not been any dates with new people.  I got tangled up into an IM/email thing with one guy for a week and I thought it felt very promising, but then he stopped messaging me out of the blue.  He seemed too good to be true, and he was.  Life lesson!  ;-)  Luckily we never managed to meet in person, so the loss was insignificant.  He's one of those types who is probably secretly married and whoring around on a dating site because he's gross.

During the power outage last weekend, good old Baltimore resurfaced.  Anyone who hangs around me long enough begins to associate me with thunderstorms, as they are one of my favorite things ever.  I frequently get emails/texts/IMs from people here and really anywhere when it storms.  That's what Baltimore did, and when my power went out that night he offered his place to me.  But it was late, so I just went to sleep. When I still had no power the next day, I tried to hold out, but that evening I accepted his offer and headed out to his house.

Oh, Baltimore, I shall never understand you.  The flirting game was on high intensity, the sexual tension just about as present as another person in the room.  We went to dinner, then watched a movie and a half.  We lay coiled up on the couch together.  Howe we got that way I don't even know, but it was nice.  For all of the confusion Baltimore brings, once we wrestle our way into familiarity I'm comfortable with him.  We just seem to have to get there the elementary school playground way...teasing, play fighting, goofing around.

I left the next morning after brunch (and a hot shower at his place, just in case, as my cold shower the day before did not impress me).  We hugged goodbye in his driveway, he gave me a quick kiss, and I was on my way.  So there was that.

The other day we made plans for me to come out for there tonight so he could grill food for me.  I texted him just now to confirm, so we'll see...you just never know.  I won't feel like the plan is set until I hear back, and meanwhile he's just assuming it's a done deal.  This is the way we roll, we roll.  This remains the weirdest dynamic EVER, LOL.  It's like a surprise, each time wondering what I'll get when we meet up.  After last weekend, which felt very...date-like, even almost relationship-like, I'll be interested to see how things are this time.  Probably he will sit on the other side of the room from me.  :-)

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just meet someone consistent, mature, funny, sincere, who knows what they want, follows through on what they say they will do, is affectionate without being lecherous, is sweet without being cliched....

I'm beginning to wonder.