Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Sad Truths

I was talking to a friend today about how horribly out of shape I am and how tight my clothes have become.  I declared that I needed a personal trainer who would belittle and demean me into working out consistently, eating better and losing weight.  I then joked that I should call my ex-boyfriend to recruit him for the job.

I was kidding when I said it, but I realized it was actually an accurate assessment.  I have never felt so insecure, fat and unattractive as I did in that relationship.  He had huge insecurity problems of his own and thusly a lot of it was projection, but I internalized it just the same.  On many occasions he told me that if I lost some weight and toned up he would be more attracted to me.  He once also suggested we get liposuction together.  No joke.  The level of his body delusion was sky high, about himself and me.

At the time I was probably 10-15 lbs. over my ideal.  Right now I'm probably about 20-25.  [OH DEAR.]  In the real world, that does not add up to a liposuction candidate. 

I realized how incredibly sad it was that when I think of someone vicious and capable of  making me feel badly enough about myself to make a change, I think of someone I dated for nearly two years and whom I loved intensely, in spite of his major issues with his body and mine.

Scary business.


  1. Been here, too! Wish I could say I dated someone horrible for only a couple months but was strong enough to tell him to get lost. Nope. Dated him 2.5 years. I'm STILL embarrassed to say it. And I'm not a dumb girl! Ya live and ya learn, I guess :)

    PS: I know you know but as soon as a guy starts commenting on how you look - in a negative and unproductive way - it's a sign he needs to hit the bricks (IMO).

  2. Sometimes it takes a long time and a lot of overdue perspective to get out of those unhealthy situations. I'm trying to break that pattern!

    As for your P.S., I've always know that in THEORY, LOL. Now just trying to make it stick in practice. For all the faults of my previous exes, none of them ever criticized my appearance or made me feel less than. Just that last gem of a guy! Good riddance.