Right on paper, wrong in real life?

I am sad to have bid farewell to another weekend.  Mondays are not my favorite.  I started off my day by spilling coffee all over my desk, two files, my floor and my pants.  Cheers!

The weekend was weird.  I was productive enough, I went to the gym, had breakfast with a friend and went on a long walk in the lovely weather yesterday and did laundry and got groceries.  But you know what I didn't do?  I did *not* gain a single ounce of clarity into the someone situation. 

This was my third saturday in a row spent at his house.  I was hoping for enlightenment and progress, but all I got was a trip backwards.  Whereas the previous weekend I felt like we moved forward, this week we lost that momentum and then some.  The whole situation is becoming more awkward and I'm beginning to think that this someone became a someone no more the first time around for good reason. 

Introverted is one thing.  Someone who is challenging to have a conversation with is another.

Beyond this:
When I used to come over, pre-things ending the first time around, he would spend a lot of time cleaning up in anticipation of my arrival.  Now?  The same pile of clutter has been on the couch for each of the three weeks I've been over.  The house is messy, though not in a dirty way.  Just mail cluttered on chairs, clothes in corners, that kind of thing.  

I've gone out to him each of the last three weeks voluntarily because he has a dog now, and I love getting my dog fix.  I take no issue on the face of that because it's been my idea.  However, the last two weeks I've gone we've gone out to eat (at the same place, mind you).  Because of how his driveway is situated, I end up blocking him in when I park upon arrival.  So I've driven us to dinner both times now, and the place is another 15 minute drive from his house, this on the heels of an hour drive each way to his home for me.  I paid for my dinner the first time, but this time I told him he could pay since I was having to do all this damn driving.

Also?  Tell me if this is wrong to be bothered about.  I've been leaving his house very late, the earliest being 12:30 am, the latest was around 2am.  This time around it was also raining.  Hour drive.  Rain.  Darkness.  Tired me.  Is it wrong to think that it would be nice if he ever told me to let him know when I got home safely or something?  Maybe this is an antiquated idea, but historically, even people who live 15 minutes from me have asked me to do that if I'm going home very late or in inclement weather of any sort.  It bothers me a little that he's not ever asked that, and that usually we don't talk for about 3-4 days after I see him.  He could at least check the next day?

I've decided to back off this situation for the time being.  I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and making the effort to reach out each week.  Since I burned him last time around, I understood him being gunshy at first, but come on now...it's been three weeks.  The grace period is over, and if you can't make an effort to maintain conversation, look halfway presentable, pick up your house a little bit, initiate contact or plans with me or express any concern for my well being, then maybe I was right to close this chapter the first time around. 

I'm not swearing him off completely yet.  Honestly, I have this unfortunate feeling that he probably thinks everything is A-OK, just like he did last time around, and he probably expects that we will have plans saturday night as we have the last three saturdays.  He can expect anything he wants.  Right now our situation is weird and undefinined and moving in the wrong direction, so I'm obligated to no one. 

I'm beginning to suspect that maybe this is just not the right person.  However, I do think it has been a good experience to try again because I've gotten a lot more insight into looking outside of my "type", moving beyond what I'm used to, and being open to something that I wouldn't have before.  Hopefully I can carry these lessons forward.  Just because he fits the bill on paper doesn't mean he fits the bill in real life. 

In other news, I have tentative plans with the new guy on Thursday.  Looks like we will be doing drinks or coffee, in other words, standard first date fare in the online dating world.  Don't want to commit to a full meal if it sucks for some reason.  ;-)  Oh, how cynical we've become!  The guy seems very nice and in each message to me asks me a new series of questions about myself, and then I return the favor.  I enjoy the ongoing curiosity and that he's not just tapping out of participation after the perfunctory, standard get to know you questions. 

Regardless, my expecations are low because...well, look at my history this year.  ;-)  We'll see.

Time to return to my monday, I  suppose.

Easy come, easy go

I should have kept a running list of the names of guys I've been on dates with and how many dates each got. I've been on so many fruitless first dates in the last year that I can't even begin to cobble together such a thing.  Pick out all the most generic men's names you can and I've probably dated half of them.  :-)  Very few have gotten past one date, and only two have made it past three! 

Add Tuesday's lad to the list.  His name was Mike.  No chance in outing anyone with that one!  No love connection there.  I am lucky that for as many first dates as I have been on, none of them have been god awful horrible.  Mostly they are totally pleasant events that I wrap up and leave at the table afterward.  This one fell into that same category.

Talking to a couple more, so I'll update if I meet any of them and they turn out to be worthy of real disclosure.  Otherwise they will be lucky to show up as a footnote!  ;-) 

I have plans with the someone on saturday night.  The day is supposed to be rainy and cool, which is perfect staying in weather.  I'm hoping for some kind of combined dinner effort and a movie.  We shall see.  I'm not sure what I could contribute now that I'm trying to eat better.  My usual contribution to things like that is my kickass macaroni and cheese.  Unfortunately, I think that has enough calories to feed a small city in one serving, so there goes that! 

I am still pondering that someone situation.  Perhaps saturday evening will further enlighten me?

I feel the need for a drive this weekend.  An aimless one, as I'll already be driving quite a bit.  This habit of mine is expensive with gas the way it is lately!  Maybe tonight after the gym.  I know, I'm a party animal.

I apologize for the pointless nature of this post.  Cheers to Friday!

Sad Truths

I was talking to a friend today about how horribly out of shape I am and how tight my clothes have become.  I declared that I needed a personal trainer who would belittle and demean me into working out consistently, eating better and losing weight.  I then joked that I should call my ex-boyfriend to recruit him for the job.

I was kidding when I said it, but I realized it was actually an accurate assessment.  I have never felt so insecure, fat and unattractive as I did in that relationship.  He had huge insecurity problems of his own and thusly a lot of it was projection, but I internalized it just the same.  On many occasions he told me that if I lost some weight and toned up he would be more attracted to me.  He once also suggested we get liposuction together.  No joke.  The level of his body delusion was sky high, about himself and me.

At the time I was probably 10-15 lbs. over my ideal.  Right now I'm probably about 20-25.  [OH DEAR.]  In the real world, that does not add up to a liposuction candidate. 

I realized how incredibly sad it was that when I think of someone vicious and capable of  making me feel badly enough about myself to make a change, I think of someone I dated for nearly two years and whom I loved intensely, in spite of his major issues with his body and mine.

Scary business.

Swimming in the shallow end of the pool

Herein lies the question.  What the hell do I want?

I am the wrong person to ask.  If you do ask, I'm liable to say "I don't know".  Maddening, but true.

I am going on a first date tomorrow evening with a newby.  I don't know enough about him offhand to give him a nickname yet, so maybe tomorrow evening if he's noteworthy in one way or another.  I'm mildly interested in meeting him, but nothing over the top.  Seems nice and funny, so that's  start.

I'm talking to one other gentleman who I'm rather intrigued by, so maybe I will meet him soon, too.  Hard to say.

With regards to my weekend someone, I remain puzzled.  I need a decoder ring for this one, folks.  Pretty sure he likes me, but I can't tell if he just likes me because I'm comfortable and fun company to hang around, or if he likes me because he can see things turning into a relationship.  I'm the one who stopped it the first time around, though I'll admit that there were still a lot of question marks then, too.  He's so hard to read in some ways. One way or another it became clear that he did like me, but he is a different sort than I'm used to.

I am used to dating the charmer.  The personable, friendly, easily accepted, funny guy.  The one brimming with confidence and I'll say it again, easy charm.  It's the best description of my ex-husband and my most recent ex-boyfriend from last spring.  They were talkers, debaters, chatters.

This guy is not.  He's not the most talkative.  He's smart, but I definitely talk more when we're together.  He's much more introverted personality wise.  He's not showy or an entertainer for the masses.  He's harder to get to know, shyer at first, but not really shy at all if that makes sense.

I'm used to dating guys who dress well.  Who know how to look good for any event, and who pay more for haircuts than I do.  People who value appearance, possibly too much, and take great pride in how they look.

I like clean cut guys.  This guy needs a haircut.  All the time.  He needs a shave.  All the time.  He dresses lousy, standardly in jeans, an old t-shirt, tennis shoes and a hat.  I would steal and burn the hat if I could.  He looks better without it.  He's shorter than anyone I've ever been with.   He doesn't wear cologne, his wallet looks a thousand years old, his house was decorated by his mom (though he's admitted that was for lack of an idea of how to do it on his own, and he told me early on he was wide open to suggestion and change on that front).

And yet.  When we stopped dating, I missed things.  I missed the house whose decor I hated the first time I saw it.  I missed the shaggy, short guy. 

He cooked me meals.  We made cookies from scratch together.  He got my dog a toy, I got him  a Christmas stocking since he didn't have one.  It's still hanging up, LOL.  One time we pulled into his driveway and I had a hard time getting out because of the nature of his driveway and where the car ended up.  Next time he parked oddly and I asked why, and he said it was so I could get out of the car easier since it had been challenging last time.

This is not someone who will text me sweet nothings.  This is not someone who will lavish me with pretty words and compliments and bold promises.  I suspect this is someone who would show me in little subtle ways that he cared.  He would have to be reminded of the more traditional ways, but he would have his own.  This is someone who takes great pride in his home and is a hard worker.  He is spending all of his weekend days lately working on his yard, getting it sodded and green, planting flower beds and bushes.

He is afraid of me right now.  I'm not kidding.  I ended it the first time around.  I'm the one who skulked back carefully, cautiously, guiltily.  I offered nothing, just said that I wanted us to be friends.  We chatted for awhile over email before finally agreeing to get together.  I went, and he was so tentative.  He didn't touch me, not even in a joking manner. We used to wrestle around all the time, it was part of our silly dynamic.  It took him about 3 hours into a 5 hour first time visit to ask me if I'd dated anyone since we stopped.  He sat on the couch while we watched a movie, I sat on the floor.  It was strange, but I understood. I hugged him before I left, and he hugged me back.  We bridged a tiny gap. 

This time he relaxed a bit.  We played around like before, goofing off.  He laid with his head on my lap during a movie, I laid my head on his legs later on.  We hugged again before I left, and like last time he told me "Let me know when you want to get together again."  He keeps putting it in my lap.  He's still too cautious to take that back.  But it was better. 

I feel so weirdly comfortable in his house.  He'd gotten a dog since we last saw each other, an 8 month old puppy.  I'm madly in love with her and she loves me.  He also still has his two birds, fish, and two lizards.  Quite a little menagerie! 

I don't get it because on the surface, he is totally not my type.  Not physically, not personality wise.  He lives far away in a place I don't like, I don't even really like his neighborhood.  I know he would be a total 180 in a relationship than anything I've ever dealt with before. 

Do you know how weird it is to spend 5 hours and 7 hours, respectively, with someone you used to date, you used to spend the night with, and not kiss?  It is incredibly weird.  We are both so careful this time around.  Him because I've burned him before, and me because still, I don't know what I want from this.  I am so caught up in what I think I should want, and what others would think, and I'm obsessing over shallow, stupid nonsense like his hat and his height. 

A small, scary part of me wants to just say screw it all and go for it.  Trash all my preconceived notions of my physical preferences, and the personality I'm attracted to, and just throw myself into this and see what happens.  I never let my guard down with him before.  I know there's more to him.  Like me, he's been hurt before and he's protective.  He's also just a different, more introverted type.  I wonder what it would be like to stop over analyzing him, and me in relation to him, and the idea of an us.  I'm both intrigued and terrified.

I want to see if he really wants a relationship.  If he thinks we could ever be that.  But I can't ask, not until I know that I would be open to that.  I can't ask him to open up to me only to leave him hanging again. 

At the end of the day, I need to figure out what I want.  Do I want the charming, extroverted, well dressed, materialistic type who knows when and how to say all the right things, but never really follows through with them?  Who is great and shiny in the beginning, but once he "has" me, stops trying? 

Or do I want someone who may be kind of a disaster clothing wise, kind of shaggy and overgrown grooming wise, kind of quiet and succinct conversation wise, kind of slower to warm up to new situations and new people, but who does not make it a practice of hurting me?  Who, when confronted with criticism and concern offers the ways he could make it better or change.  Who shows me in tiny, minute ways that he's thinking of me.  Who doesn't give a damn what anyone else thinks.

I wish I had that in me.  I wish I could stop caring so much what other people thought.  I wish I could remember that anyone in my life who truly gives a damn will not be judging me by the scruff on my suitor's face, but by how he treats me, and if he makes me happy. 

I don't know where things are going with this someone.  I'm not saying he's someone I'm supposed to be with.  I don't know yet.  I just know that I don't want to rule him out just yet, and especially not for the bullshit reasons I did last time.  I want to see more of who he is.  I want to know more of how he is in a relationship.  I want to stick around and see what happens without talking myself out of anything.

I want to figure out what I want.

My path, it is circular

Do you ever just feel like your life is on a continuous loop?  Sometimes I feel that way.  It seems I need to experience something multiple times before I trust my instincts and move forward.

Luckily, this time I'm not doing anything self-destructive.  Go me!  I'm actually a little bit proud of myself for small victories, and reminded again that as soon as you stop paying attention to people, they suddenly become interested in you again.  Sigh.  So predictable!  Said object of inattention tried to converse with me friday, got nowhere, and tried to converse with me today.  Got short, to the point answers and he asked me "Why are you being saucy today?"  LOL.  Poor lad was confused that I wasn't kissing his ass and flirting with him like he was the last virile man on earth.  I took no bait and I felt no pull, and really I just felt a little flush of satisfaction at putting him off his game.

Beyond that, my weekend was okayish.  Friday sucked.  Plans got waylaid and annoying and I took my grumpy self home instead of sharing it with the much delayed company I was supposed to meet up with.  I went home and had a quiet night in the apartment instead. 

Saturday I bought new shoes for the gym, as my current ones had been making my toes numb before the end of a 60 minute workout, and I kind of figured that wasn't a good thing, ha!  My new shoes (which I got at 20% off, thank you, well-timed coupon) are cute and lightweight and super comfortable.  I look forward to breaking them in at the gym tomorrow, although I did wear them saturday evening.

Saturday evening I spent somewhere with someone doing something.  We went someplace and we ate something and we talked about this and that and it was familiar and comforting and puzzling and nerve-inducing all at once because I spent over seven hours there and nobody kissed me.  I got home at just shy of three in the morning, and luckily I was much more awake than the time last weekend when I drove home at 11 after doing something with this someone someplace.  Thank god for Coke Zero.  :-)

This is a loop I've made before, and for whatever reason I've been drawn back to it, and I'm trying it out again.  Forgive my ambiguity, but trust that this loop has never been hurtful to me, not once. 

It rained all day.  I was lazy and spent the bulk of the day on my couch catching up on DVR.  I made chicken tacos via crockpot, had some popcorn as a snack, lit a candle that smells like banana nut bread, dozed briefly.  I went out to the store for a couple of things and got a coffee on the way back, arriving home wet and chilled from the sunday weather.  Kind of a lovely sunday full of restfulness, puzzling over something that is NOT bad for me, but remains an enigma and as a silver lining, being called "saucy" for a marked change in my behavior with someone I needed  to have a marked change in behavior with. 

On that note.....time to retire to bed for the evening.

If/Then

When I get mad, when someone hurts me, when I'm bored, when I'm frustrated, when I'm lonely, when I'm stuck....

-I drive
-I eat
-I zone out in front of the tv
-I sleep

If I could retrain myself to forego those activities even half of the time in favor of doing some kind of exercise, be it walking, going to the gym, or some other such cardiovascular activity, I would probably lose this double handful of pounds I've accumulated that is making every single pair of pants I own tight.

All of my pants are my sworn enemies lately.  I have been overindulging in the wallowing.  I eat too much crap for no good reason.  I eat because I'm bored.  I eat because something sounds good in theory even if I'm not actually hungry.  I eat because everyone else is. 

I lay around because people are exhausting sometimes and its easier to be alone.  I drive because sometimes my car, with music raining down on me in waves, is the only place I can think straight.

I think I need a cold hard smack from reality.  All this self-indulgence is getting me is tight pants and junk food un-abs. 

In my dream world that I aspire to, when I get mad, when someone hurts me, when I'm bored, when I'm frustrated, when I'm lonely, when I'm stuck....

-I go to the gym, or on a walk
-I write

Willpower, come back to me.  Let's be friends.

(Dis)pleased to meet you, rock bottom.

So I hit a new low this weekend.  In the spirit of honesty, I've been creeping toward this moment for awhile now, and I knew it.  I was self aware, and that's why this is worse.  I.KEPT.GOING.ANYWAY.

I don't want to get into the nitty gritty details, but I will try to provide a general framework for reference.  The general gist is that I became that girl, the one chasing something wholly unworthy simply because it was familiar and didn't require anything of me beyond the bottom line.  I went back to a place and a person that used to make me feel good, but over the course of the last year has progressively done a worse job of that, sometimes even veering into the territory of actively making me feel lousy. 

Nothing happened.  It was just a matter of words being exchanged, but I made a complete ass of myself, and I got dismissed quite flippantly. My stomach roiled with shame and embarrassment at my total lack of self-respect and dignity, and I felt sick with the knowledge of the kind of power I had given to this individual who didn't deserve a single ounce of it.  A good friend once told me that he was "beneath me in both friendship and love", and he was right.  But I didn't listen. 

It became like a game.  I could always say anything I wanted to him and it never changed anything.  I could be as reckless with my words as I wanted, as honest as possible and it didn't matter.  It was liberating. This guy was like Teflon...nothing stuck.  I could throw all kinds of random truths at him and he never left.  He never changed how he dealt with me.  He would just be the same as he was before.

But in the last month or two, I overdid it. I think simultaneously, whatever thing we had, it was abating.  It was dissolving back into nothing, and the little allure and pull I once had for him was going away.  Thusly, my honesty and directness began to work against me.  I felt the subtle shift, but I ignored it.  I didn't want to lose that outlet for my reckless thoughts.  I kept pretending it was still the same, and subsequently, all of my words began to amass in his corner. Only this time he wasn't setting them aside like they didn't change anything.  This time they were accumulating into a pile of reasons to back away from me. 

And so it happened that out of a misguided desire to recapture the intensity of those highs and lows, I struck out too fiercely, and I lost.  And for awhile late that friday night, I wished I could undo my actions that evening. I wished I could take back the words from time and space and save myself from that final misstep.  I wanted to disappear, reemerging only once enough time had passed to dull the memory of my bad choices.  I wished I could gather up everything I'd ever given to this individual, emotionally, physically, intellectually, and tie it up in a big bag with a somber blue bow and erase myself from his consciousness.

But I can't.  Those things are out there.  They were given, and they were received, some in good conscience, others not so much.  They are pieces I will not get back, and I keep reminding myself...that's okay.  I am still whole without them.  I screwed up a little, I embarrassed myself a little.  Maybe even a lot. It happens.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it, or overanalyze it until my head hurts, or let myself become consumed by it in any fashion. 

I'm taking that big bag with the somber blue bow and I'm letting it go. 

The good thing about rock bottom is that the only place to go after you've been there is up.  :-)

I'm voting you off the island, R.

I've mentioned my friend, R on this blog several times.  I believe he started out as "B-Day Guy" since I met him last June on my birthday weekend.  We subsequently became very good friends from about July on through December.  After that, our communication started lacking pretty significantly, and it was on his side. 

R is also the one who is engaged to get married at the end of the month to someone he has been talking to since Thanksgiving and has met in person twice now (2 weeks on first trip, 4 days on second).  He'd called a couple of times recently, and we were texting some.  I suggested getting together this past weekend, and he told me that he couldn't because he was going to his parents for Easter.  Okay, that makes sense.

So Monday he contacts me and I ask how his weekend was.  He mentions seeing a friend of his friday night, then going shopping (ring shopping, ha) and to the gym on Saturday, and spending sunday at his parents.  His parents live maybe an hour away, for the record.  So I pointed out the discrepancy in his story and he made up some excuse for why he ended up being around friday, and said that he thought about contacting me saturday, but assumed I'd made other plans.

I was not impressed, but whatever.  I was going to let it go.  So I tell him we should get together and he suggests monday, but I can't due to acupuncture, so he suggests Tuesday.  We decide on 7:30.  So last night I'm at home, 7:30 rolls on by.  Nothing.  It's 8:15 when I get a text from him saying "Sorry, I'm working on my dad's taxes.  I'm sure you're mad, but I'll get over it.  Will text you tomorrow."

I was PISSED.  Not only did he stand me up and wait 45 minutes to bother letting me know he was blowing me off for something that he could have handled another time, but he then gave me that attitude.  You're mad, but I'll get over it?  Really? 

This kid has started to act like he's doing me a favor by hanging out with me.  It's insulting and ridiculous.  This on top of previously accusing me of being jealous of his fake relationship, and also telling me last week that since he needs to lose 7 lbs. before the wedding (no joke) he would always choose working out over hanging out with me.

His priorities are screwed, he's turning his world into a two person place, and I am DONE.  With friends like this, who needs enemies?

I cheated.

Last week I cheated.  I never thought I was the type.  I'm historically loyal to a fault, and generally hold on to people well past when they deserve.  But I had a moment of weakness, and I gave into temptation.

I cheated on my French hair boyfriend. 

We've been solid for about six years now.  I followed him from one salon to another.  He was with me through my divorce, breakups, moves, my new job.  I barely have to tell him what I want when I walk in the door-he just knows.  He knows that the underside of my hair is straighter than the rest of it and cuts accordingly.  He's given me fabulous blowouts for holiday parties, interview days, and dates.  I like his accent and how his name is Joel but is pronounced Jo-elle.  He's married with a little girl and goes back to France once or twice a year, and we had a good thing going. 

I've gotten blowouts from others before.  That doesn't count.  A blowout isn't cheating.  But my last blowout I tried a new salon by my current office.  This stylist is also European, but I've yet to suss out where exactly his accent originates from.  It's much thicker than Joel's and he's kind of hard to understand.  I went in to get a blowout for a busy weekend of social events a few weeks back.  I left in awe of the awesomeness of my hair.  I kept smelling something good and realizing it was me.  I was sad to wash it later in the weekend and say goodbye to the awesome.

When I'd left the salon, this stylist suggested that next time I come back for a haircut.  I smiled and departed, thinking "Yeah, right". 

But the thought simmered.  My hair began becoming due for its cut, and I obsessively looked at it, thinking of how it had looked the same for so long.  The downside of having a stylist who knows exactly what you want all the time is that you stay in your happy little comfort zone and you forget that change is possible.  So the ide percolated, and I debated.  I toiled.  I weighed my guilt.

Then I cheated.  I even told the stylist that I was cheating, that he was the other man.  He seemed nonplussed as he continued to chop away at my hair.

I was freaking out.  My hair is short to start with.  And he just kept cutting, and hair was flying, and it felt short.  SHORT.  I said something about it with a nervous giggle, and he assured me that no, it wasn't really short.  I would love it.

He blow dried it straight.  Perk of a haircut, but also a tricky thing because it means I wouldn't see my hair in its natural state for at least a couple of days.  My hair always looks awesome straight.  It did seem shorter, at least more layered, but I got compliments at work.  Also, an old coworker saw me at lunch on Saturday and she KNEW I'd cheated.  It looked different enough that she asked.  And she said she liked it a lot better!  That it was a better, more dynamic cut.

This made me feel better.  I reveled in my short coif, knowing I looked spectacular.  I was easy, breezy, beautiful me. 

Finally, later on Saturday after going to the gym, I came home and showered, finally washing my hair.  When I was lathering it up I thought, wow, this feels SHORT.  I got out and took the towel turban off my head.  It was short.  I tried not to think about it too much.  I put my product in and went about my afternoon.  Ho hum.  I went out to run an errand or three. 

I got home and I looked in the mirror.  I puzzled over it for a minute, then decided I loved it.  I woke up sunday and looked in the mirror at my slept on hair and thought, "Damn, it's even cute after being slept on!"  Sunday night post shower I randomly touched it up with a curling iron to see how it would look on the days I made more effort. Super cute!  Bouncy!  Light!  Fun!

This morning?  Panic set in.  I feel actually self conscious about how short it is.  I've never had hair this short.  Ever.  It is ear length, people.  EARS.  Not chin.  I have almost no hair left on my little head of dishwater blonde curls.  GONE, it is. 

I have no idea why I feel so conspicuous today.  Maybe because the rest of my curly time this weekend was solo, and in my own little world I love it.  But throw me into the real world where I'm supposed to have long hair to be sexy and attractive, and suddenly I'm shivering in a cold breeze of doubt.  Not to mention that I still cheated.  This actually bothers me.  I think about how if I decide I like the cut, I have to stop seeing Joel. But if I decide I don't, eventually I'll have to go back and confess that I cheated, because he will know he didn't give me this cut.

Oh what a tangled web I weave.
And I can't decide what I think about this hair!

I just wrote a long, winding post about hair.  Just call me Vanity Smurf.

I even drive myself crazy.

So it's thursday, and the weekend is right around the corner.  I always love weekends, but for some reason, I'm acutely aware that this weekend I am probably going to be bored.  I have lunch plans on Saturday, but beyond that, I don't have a single thing on the books.  Part of the problem is that it is Easter weekend.  Lots of people are going out of town to visit their families.  Since I'm not religious and I don't have kids, I basically forget about Easter until someone reminds me.  All it means for me is that some things will probably be closing earlier that day, and brunch spots will be overflowing.

But beyond that, this is partly my own fault.  I could have more plans.  I could have dates.  I could be attending a couple of meetups that caught my eye.  But I don't feel like it.  It makes no sense.  I don't want to be bored, but I don't want to do anything that's available to me.

I would like someone to want to go see a movie with me.  I would like to try Sunday brunch even though it will be insane.  I wouldn't mind a night in of cooking, having a drink and marathoning a show or watching a movie with someone.  Bowling.  Miniature golf.  A walk.  Something.  And yet, nothing like this looms because I don't want to do these things with some awkward stranger on a date. 

Oh, sigh.  I will find a way to make the best of this weekend.  A weekend is still a weekend, right? 

I'm sorry, but all the men in my life are just stupid.

I know that's a nervy proclamation for me to make.  I'm no genius myself, and I certainly make plenty of mistakes on a routine basis to get judged right back in return.  But I'm okay with that.  An outsider's perspective has value, damn it, and I could just smack each and every one of these guys for not seeing what's really before them.

Shall we begin?

Ex-H:  Dating a girl with a small child.  They went from casual, infrequent dating in the fall to suddenly serious dating in the last month or two.  She's been married twice, and told him the second marriage was to sever the parental rights of the first.  Hmm.  First husband isn't in the picture at all, but second is and apparently there's some measure of drama there.  She recently made ex-H take down all the pictures of her daughter (and her) from his FB page, even though she'd put them up in the first place.  She also periodically deactivates her FB page, and ex-H thinks she's paranoid about an ex seeing that she's dating someone else?  That's always a glowing green light of goodness, isn't it?  :-/

Ex-BF:  Dating and living with a girl who barely works, has just about never paid him rent, and insofar as I can tell, is just taking advantage of his money and him being a sucker.  She doesn't help out around the house, they argue all the time. But she's blonde and has great abs, so it all balances out.  Right?  ;-)

Ex Ex BF:  Married and has a baby coming in June with his wife.  Recently told me that it had been a whole two weeks since their relationship had been hostile, and that if it weren't for the baby the marriage would have ended already.  Keeps himself insanely busy with hobbies and home improvement because "Too much time with [Wife] is a bad thing.  They hardly see each other as is due to their work schedules.  He said he feels trapped and that their personalities are too much alike, and all they do is clash.

My friend, R:  Met girl online (through a friend, he'd met her in real life once before briefly) around Thanksgiving. Online chatted and talked on phone until their first visit President's Day weekend.  He proposed (ring-less) on that visit.  Visited again in March with ring.  Originally planned to move to Texas (then Tennessee, plans changed) to start their lives together in August.  He told me they would be getting married in September, but today told me actually reception would have been September, wedding late June. But she failed some test in some program she's in and got booted from the program, so now they're getting married April 29 in California, where she lives now.  They will be moving to Tennessee this summer, late June early July.  None of his family is attending, not even his 14 year old son. 

WHAT THE FRIGGING HELL, PEOPLE?

I just don't understand the choices some people make.  Again, I know I've made plenty of really bad ones, but seriously?  EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON discussed here is doing things I simply don't understand. 
It's not my place to judge.  I don't have to understand any of it because they are not my people anymore, and I do not have to live with the consequences.  However, I still care about all of these people, and it is so hard to watch, you know?

Life is never so easy as it seems.  People seem so happy on Facebook and even in person or over email when that's what they want you to see.  But then the truth comes out and nothing is so shiny and lovely and clean cut as it appears. 

Good music doesn't need a date

A couple of months back I bought concert tickets for an Icelandic group called Of Monsters and Men that I'd fallen in love with.  I don't even remember where I first learned about them, but I downloaded their EP and anxiously awaited their full album release, which was actually today.

Anyway, when I heard they were coming to town, I immediately bought tickets, and it was a good thing I did.  They sold out very quickly, especially considering that pretty much no one I knew had even heard of them at that point.  I bought them with no idea of who I'd get to accompany me, much like I had with Mumford and Sons last summer. 

I should have known from that experience that this would not pan out in any expected fashion.  With Mumford, I bought the tickets while still with ex-bf.  We talked about still attending together even post break-up, but then that fall apart.  I started dating Artboy, and one of our initial common talking points was our mutual love of this band.  I remember long instances in his little studio apartment kissing with their music playing in the background.  Anyway, he agreed to go with me.  Then that fell apart.  We were talking by the time the show came about, but barely, so I ended up taking ex-H.  He did me a solid by going, especially because it poured rain and hailed on our long drive to Maryland for the show, and he didn't even know the group.  The concert was brilliant, but ex-H was clearly just there as a favor; he spent most of his time on his phone not even paying attention.  He bought me a concert tee, though, so it all balanced out. Ha!

So now here I was with these tickets to Of Monsters and Men.  When I first met and went out with the latest guy, we talked about him going with me to this show.  Clearly, that didn't work out.  It was a monday night show. For a group no one had heard of.  Not a lot of interest there!  I half considered staying home because the idea of going home then going straight back into the city exhausted me, and I was tired already.

But I rallied.  I stumbled upon an Indie Music Meetup group in the area.  One of their events was this concert.  I sold my spare ticket to another member and attended this concert last night in the company of 4 strangers, and we all hung out together and chatted and I had an amazing time.  The show was excellent, the group was wonderful live.  Great energy, adorable, talented, legitimate musicians and singers.  They had that glow of a band on the verge of greatness, and I was excited to be a part of it.

Sure, in my head I had a vague hope that between the time I bought the tickets and when the show came around that I'd have someone to take with me.  I'll admit it, I may be torn on  the whole relationship thing, but I do miss some practical things.  I miss having a built in concert date, movie date, dinner date.  It was nice to know I had one person I could rely on to come through for things like that more often than not.  But I'm ultimately doing just fine without it.  I got to see my concert, and this time I went with people who wanted to see the show we were attending, and were just as excited as me.  :-)

Considering my options

I'm seriously considering closing down my online dating account for the time being.  Ignoring all the leftovers who keep contacting me.  Not giving my number to anyone anymore, at least for awhile.

Something is off.  I feel like I'm lonely sometimes, but then I start getting attention from anyone and I feel smothered almost instantly.  Beyond that, lately I've had a bad run of people who are looking solely for a hookup, and I'm quite honestly really tired of it.  Sleeping with me is not a given.  Talking dirty to me nearly right off the bat is not acceptable.  Get over yourselves, men of the world.

I worry sometimes that I am only attracted to people who are not attracted to me, or who are less than what I deserve.  And that the only people attracted to me are the ones I feel nothing for.

Other times I don't want to think about any of this at all.  I would rather drive for 2 hours on a saturday night in the company of just myself than sit around flirting online with some idiotic man who will either bore me, blow me off or let me down.  Waste of energy.

I need legitimate spring to arrive and stay.  Maybe it will make me feel better, and make me forget all this other nonsense.