Breakup Blues

In the wake of a pretty serious breakup two weeks ago, I set aside this weekend as a sort of self-imposed exile from the world.  My brother visited last weekend, so in addition to playing hostess in my smallish (but adorable) apartment, I also spent more money than usual, so this weekend's designation was partially financially motivated, too.  However, I mostly just felt that I needed some time to process things.

Immediately after the breakup, I was devastated, but more in a shocked kind of way.  The following day I was fairly numb to all of it, and that weekend I ended up feeling ragey due to an ill-advised text encounter with the ex, initiated by him.  I stayed in the angry place for a couple of days before settling into the "distract, distract, ignore" phase.  I focused on preparing for my company's arrival, work, anything to keep my mind off of the end of this relationship I'd put everything I had into for nearly 2 years.

Anyway, at some point after my brother left on Monday, I lapsed into a new post-breakup phase:  indisputable sadness.  I've been a weepy, annoying mess, and I've barely had the motivation to do anything.  I came home every evening, took care of my dog and cats because I had to, and that was it.  No writing.  No reading.  No errands.  No friends.  Just me and my sorrow.

I decided that since I was finally processing things, I would give myself this weekend to wallow.  Think about things when they popped in my head, but also just zone out a lot.  Watch some DVR, some Sex and the City DVDs.  Sleep.  Relax.  Be on my own.

This is all fine and dandy except that I woke up at 7 am this morning.  Do you know how long this day has felt???  By noon I was bored as hell.  Felt like it should be evening, but it wasn't even close.  I've watched a movie, 2 parts of a miniseries on HBO, random other TV.  I took a bath, thought about reading the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, but decided against it.  I cleaned the tub after exiting it, and in a huge fit of motivation, put on a pair of jeans in lieu of my pajama pants.

This afternoon I finally decided I needed to get out for a bit, so I went on a mission.  It was a sad mission...the mission of a recently single, lonely, possibly pathetic person.  I went to find one of the new Ben & Jerry ice cream flavors I'd been wanting to try:  Late Night Snack.  Well, it took two Safeways, but I found it.  Truth be told?  Not that impressed.  What a waste!

I also picked up some strawberries.  First ones I've seen this season that looked fat and juicy.  Score.  So that was it.  My big outing for the day was to look for a pint of overpriced ice cream.  How sad is that?

Home is lonely right now.  I've gotten more used to being here alone, but it's still hard on the weekends, especially ones like this where I'm just...here.  No one visits here.  Most people I know haven't even been here yet.  No one could drop in even if they wanted to, and of course, no one wants to right now.

My phone nearly never rings.  I miss hearing my ringer.  It's a song I love, the ringer the exact portion of the song I love most edited into a short tune.  It makes me happy to hear my phone ring, though I am mostly working on the memory of that feeling since I've not experienced it in so long. Honestly, it doesn't even sound to alert me to email or texts or IMs so much either.  My social world has shrunk drastically, and it makes my world a quiet one.

Thank god for my dog and cats, I can't imagine not having their company.  I would probably have some sort of a breakdown.  Go insane.  Seeing people moving in the yellow wallpaper I don't have.  Scritch scritch.

Next weekend there will be no exile. I will definitely find things to do because another weekend like this?  Might drive me mad.

Tomorrow should be better.  Hopefully warmer weather.  Maybe I can play outside more.  Longer walk for Mercy.  Read outside.  Something.  There has to be more than this.