Monday, July 4, 2011

Independence Day, indeed.

Without a doubt, this is the single loneliest 4th of July evening I've ever had.  I went to a baseball game this afternoon, but I was home by 5:30.  I puttered around my apartment for about 15 minutes before I got restless, so I fed the animals and headed out for a drive.  I've been doing that a lot lately....driving for the sake of driving.  It helps me clear my mind a little bit.  I can play my music as loud as I want to, sing along if I want, and there's no one there to give a damn.  It forces me out of my head and out of my apartment, which sometimes just seems so empty.

Tonight, I feel lonely.  I had a fairly busy weekend, spent time with various friends, went out on a date.  But today, on Independence Day, I'm at home alone.  I drove around for about 45 minutes before stopping by the grocery store.  I made myself a small homemade pizza for dinner, then baked some Funfetti cupcakes, which I'll be frosting here shortly.  I guess I just felt like treating myself because I knew the night was not exactly how I wanted it to be.

The ex and I broke up towards the end of March.  I've been on my own for over 3 months now.  It feels like so much longer sometimes.  I've been on several dates, but nothing has clicked the right way.  Either it clicks, but the person is just not ready to give me what I need, or it doesn't click at all.  This sounds ridiculous, but I've never had to try so hard to find someone to be with before.

I miss having someone to spend the holidays with.  Being at home on the 4th of July when you're with someone you want to be with is an entirely different experience than being at home on the 4th of July because you have no one to be with. 

Today is hard.


  1. Yeah, the 4th definitely isn't the same for me either. Last year, my mom and Rusty were here to keep me busy ALL DAY LONG. They got here before lunch, and we worked around my house all day. Rusty left at dinner time, and Mom and I shopped and cooked for Noah's party the entire night.

    This year, at least, N was home. We bummed around the house, went to see "Cars 2" and ate left-overs in the backyard before the neighbors invited us to watch their fireworks for 20 minutes. His bedtime, then me left to think about how I wasn't hanging out with all our friends and my husband during another Sill Hill 4th of July. Eh. What can you do?

  2. Yeah, some changes don't feel so good, even if you know logically you're better off. Sometimes it's just lonely, and there's no way around that. I should have called!

  3. Oh, no worries! I keep in mind he's clearly not the same person ... or the person I thought he was - back to that whole Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde discussion we've had a few times! Didn't have a particularly bad 4th of July, just a quieter one. Sometimes I like that, sometimes I don't.

  4. @Tracy: I hear you on that, too-sometimes the quiet is good, sometimes it will drive you mad, LOL. I found the idea of being home alone on the 4th was actually worse than the reality of it. Once the evening began I was mostly fine!