shaken not stirred

No, my blog post title has nothing to do with any boozy concoctions.  Instead, it refers to all of the plans I've had lately, which have just repeatedly been turned upside down.  It started with last night, the planned Artboy food and football night that fell through.  In spite of my best intentions, I ended up feeling kind of bummed by it.  I guess I hadn't realized how much I'd been looking forward to his company.  It didn't help that after he told me he couldn't come yesterday late morning, I didn't hear from him again, including when I responded to his message.  WTF, mate? 

I went to acupuncture, which was insanely relaxing as per usual.  Then I felt restless and uninterested in going home, so I went to Target.  That's always a mistake, especially when you're feeling blue.  I went in to buy an electric throw blanket.  I had to toss mine at the end of last winter season because it was old and I was afraid it was going to shock me.  However, I couldn't find ANY in Target, which was weird.  But I did end up with a book and a purse.  Sigh.

The purse, though, is super cute.  It's just a cheap Mossimo purse, but it's a cool, deep purple color and I just like it.  Then I ended up buying "Night Film" by Marisha Pessl.  I had a sample of it on my Kindle for awhile now because I enjoyed her last book, but I wasn't feeling pressed to read it.  But once I saw it in the store, I picked it up to peruse it and fell in love.  It was one of those books I had to own the hardback version of because I loved how it felt.  I liked the feel of the paper of the pages, I liked all of the articles and pictures and things throughout it, and I liked the cover and the weight of it.  Shout out to Danielle over at Zombie Love Affair for re-sparking my interest in this book, too! 

My last purchase was a cute, patterned sunglass case.  I've broken two pairs of sunglasses in the last couple of months from them getting squished in my bag in their soft case, so it was time to buckle down to do something to prevent that from happening again. 

I went home and switched my things over to my new purse.  I examined my new book, appreciating the weight and feel of it again.  I watched the Grey's Anatomy season premiere, which was excellent as always.  I did not go to the gym.  :-/  I was just feeling bummed, I guess.

Today I got to work and discovered that my trainer had rescheduled my session from Thursday (which I cancelled b/c of acupuncture) to tonight, and also had scheduled me for tomorrow.  This threw a wrench (or two) into pre-existing plans I had.  I was supposed to go to a movie meetup tonight to see "Prisoners", which I really want to see, but now I can't.  I need the training session more than the movie!  And tomorrow I had plans with a friend, which I've luckily been able to bump to later in the afternoon to accommodate my morning training session.  Bah.

In summation, my weekend looks to be quite boring.  Trainer tonight then probably just home.  Trainer in the morning, then lunch with a friend.  College football games I'm  interestested in starting at 3:30 and going into the evening.  Group training session on Sunday morning. NFL games on sunday I really want to see.  The end.

Boring, boring, boring.  There is a meetup Saturday night to watch my alma mater's game, but as many times as I consider attending those, I've never actually gone.  Maybe.  Probably not.

Oh well.  Such is life. At least I have a cute new purse and an intriguing looking book to add to my stack of things to read.  Happy Friday.  :-)

Tacos for One

Random thursday posting about random things.

So I did my hair differently this morning.  As a curly head, I have spent countless dollars and hours trying to find the magic combination of product and process.  This morning, through some freak of nature moment, I actually came out of it with good hair.  It's really insanely curly, it's defined, not fuzzy, and I'm kind of impressed.  Will I ever be able to recreate it?  Unlikely.  But for today, I have awesome curly hair that I didn't even touch with a curling iron to "fix" my curls like I often do when I want to look presentable.

Last night I did four consecutive loads of laundry, which was decidedly not fun.  I'd brought up some fallish clothes from storage so they needed to be washed, along with my regularly scheduled dirty clothes and my bathroom rugs.  There was a lot of folding going on in my apartment last night as I watched a variety of nonsense on TV, including Survivor and the season premiere of Law & Order: SVU.  I also repainted my nails, so there's that.

I have acupuncture for the first time in eons tonight at 7pm.  I'm looking forward to it because a) I love my acupuncturist b) I need some stress needles (Thanks, work!) and c) my carpal tunnel needs a touch up treatment.

Originally I had plans to have Artboy over for dinner.  Late last weekend I invited him over for either Monday or Thursday for football and food.  Thursday is what we settled on, so this morning I put chicken breasts in the crockpot for chicken tacos tonight, and I'd also offered up strawberry shortcake as dessert.  So I cleaned up my place a bit, left the apartment with dinner starting it's slow cook, and was extra pleased that I had a good hair day since I was going to have company over in the form of my favorite Artboy.

And then....the plans fell through.  He was supposed to do an art install this afternoon, but because the office movers were in the building, they asked him to come at 5 instead.  So he'll be there until at least nine or ten, and will probably be worn out after. Boo.  He let me know and I was obviously disappointed, but he can't help his weird work schedule, and he has to take the hours when they come.  Sucks.

So tonight I'll go home, go to acupuncture, and come home to a nice soft chicken taco dinner for one.  Will probably go to the gym now since I have no excuse not to, and watch the Thursday night NFL game.  That whole plan loses a little sparkle without Artboy in the picture, I have to say, but I'll make do.

The best laid plans....

Happy thursday.  :-)

Book Musings

So I'm still on my reading spree lately, which I'm happy about.  I continue to be really into John Green books, so I've gone back to read some of his older works to bring myself more up to speed with him.  I recently finished "Paper Towns", which I really enjoyed, and am now reading, "An Abundance of Katherines".  I have to say that so far, I'm not loving that one.  It's kind of boring, and it's just not engaging in the same way.  I'm disappointed, but I guess not every book can be amazing!  Next I want to dig up my copy of "Looking for Alaska" to re-read sooner than later.  I know I really liked that one, and it will be interesting to read it again after reading all of the other John Green books.

I also recently read, "The Never List" by Koethi Zan, which I really enjoyed.  It's a dark book, but it was pretty compelling.

I still have a stack of books to read, and bought a new one on my Kindle the other week called "Eleanor & Park" by Rainbow Rowell.  Read many very good things about it, so that will be coming soon on my reading list.  Not sure what I'll be in the mood for after I finish trudging through "An Abundance of Katherines".  Next week "Doctor Sleep" comes out by Stephen King, which is a sequel of sorts to "The Shining", so I'll definitely be getting that either in Kindle form or hardback. 

Self-Righteousness: It's What's for Breakfast

BEGIN RANT.

Just got into a sweet verbal rumble with someone wherein the conversation bottom lined with her telling me we can't even discuss the subject because I don't have kids so I can't possibly know, and to talk to her when I do have them.

I find that to be one of the most self-righteous, self-important, obnoxious cop-outs to a discussion ever.  Way to be.

I'm not personally hurt because I don't have children, I just find it ignorant to think that I'm not entitled to an opinion because I haven't had a kid.  Pretty sure I'm still an intelligent human being.  Pretty sure my logical thoughts and experiences through friends and family and LIFE may give me some value in a discussion. 

However, it appears I have no leg to stand on here, no baby to hold up as a talisman of my intrinsic value and expertise on a whole slew of subjects.  Learn something new every day.

END RANT.

when the bough breaks

I've been pretty MIA lately around here.  I don't know why.  Every day I think about posting a new blog entry, and things I could/should/want to write about.  But I don't.  I haven't.  I've opened up blank screens with intention, and then not managed to get a single word down.  It feels like my writing parts are broken.  Out of use.  Rusty. 

Last week I had this weird realization about myself.  I've become a self-soother.  A self-healer.  So self-sufficient that I operate like a Bluemoon machine most of the time.  Something breaks, I fix it.  I feel sad/sick/frustrated/depressed/angry and I take care of it.  Depending on the problem, I go for a drive. I  go to the gym.  I take a long bath, or sometimes, sit in the shower to feel the water pound down on me from above, steam rising up in waves around me.  I go shopping.  I write in a paper journal.  I read.  I call my Mom.  I go out with friends, or I don't.  I know what I need as a general rule, and I tend to these things as they come up.

There's no room in my life right now for reliance on others.  It barely even registers as an option anymore. 

Last time I reached out, it failed.  I had a raging migraine and the two people I reached out to were useless.  100% useless.  So I said screw it.  And I went out and undertook measures to ensure that next time I didn't need help.  I got extras of things I could run out of for those times, and I do everything I can in my daily power to avoid the situation in the first place.  Expecting anything from anyone was a mistake, and it made me feel worse in an already horribly painful moment.  Screw it.

I feel like I am generally a pretty happy person lately.  I'm having a lot of fun with friends, enjoying my solo time, and work has been busy.  I'm watching a ton of football, which makes me happy.  I'm reading a lot of books, which pleases me.  Taking care of myself works.  It's a routine. 

But.

A couple of weeks ago, I went out with a guy I'd gone on two dates with awhile back.  We'd stopped talking for awhile, but then he popped back up, and I liked talking to him, so we resumed texting back and forth everyday.  Something about us clicked, and we exchanged random pictures from our days, talked about books and football and randomness.  And finally he suggested we should hang out again.

This time I went out to him, in the Capitol Hill area of DC.  We went to a restaurant and had drinks and food, and we were there for hours.  The alcohol was flowing, and we were flirting like crazy, and kissing.  Afterwards, we wandered through the dark streets to his condo, taking silly pictures on the street corners.  We hung out, just goofing around and being silly drunk people.  By the time I thought to leave, Metro was closed, so I stayed. 

We didn't sleep.  I don't think he sleeps very often, and I don't sleep well in places I don't know.  I was punchy with sleeplessness by the time I headed home the next morning.  We had a good time, and I felt closer to him, and even though it was still weird and didn't make sense, I just appreciated it for what it was.  I appreciated laying close to someone in bed for all those hours, spooning, laughing, joking about ghosts in the intense darkness of his room.  Realizing how terribly uncomfortable it is to fake sleep in jeans.  It was weird, but it was nice.

So last week we decided to hang out again on Saturday night.  He came my way this time.  We had fun for several hours. It was fallish weather, so I made chili that afternoon, and baked brownies.  I used his visit as an excuse to clean my apartment very thoroughly, so everything just felt nice and organized and cozy by the time he arrived.  We ate chili, we watched the end of a college football game I was into.  Then we watched a scary movie since we're both fans, and we had drinks and engaged in generalized silliness.

Then things turned weird, and quickly.  Bottom line, I love flirting with him, I even like kissing him, but the front and center chemistry between us is just off.  It was like we were driving on parallel roads past each other, and like I told him at one point, "Your game just doesn't match my game".  And I didn't mean that in a bad way, just in the way that we didn't match.  It felt forced past a certain point, and I wasn't into it.

He didn't really get the message, or at least didn't take to it very nicely.  He seemed generally the same, but he got a little weird and made some passive aggressive jokes that rubbed me the wrong way.  I decided it was time for him to go, so I scooted him out the door to take him to the Metro.  He was silent in the car.  Seriously, wouldn't speak when spoken to, just shook his head and nodded, once each.  Then he put on headphones.  And then I seriously wanted to reach across him, open the door, and roll his childish self out of my car, but I didn't.  I got him to the Metro, he mumbled "Thanks" and that was the end of it.  We haven't spoken since.

I was pissed.  I was hurt and disillusioned and annoyed for being surprised at how things turned sour.  Sunday I felt zapped of energy.  I slept in.  I woke up, ate some food, watched the first half of the Skins losing, then fell back asleep.  I didn't get dressed, though I did finally shower.  I felt like I was stuck in quicksand, and I didn't have the energy to care much.  It was just one of those days.

Then Artboy texted me.  I didn't care, and ignored it.  Then he IMed me.  Once, twice, and on the third time,without me having responded yet, he asked if I wanted to come over for football and food.  It felt like a life raft on a shitty day at sea.  It was totally unexpected, but exactly what I needed.  I made myself presentable and within a couple of hours I was at his place. 

When I got there I flopped on his couch and he sat down with me and gave me an unsolicited massage.  We joked and laughed, watching the end of one game.  Then we headed out to the grocery store, where we got drinks, and then to pick up food.  We came back to his place and ate.  Watched football.  Flipped back to other things on TV during the commercials. 

Later on he drew me a hot bubble bath.  He has this awesome tub and he knows I'm so fiercely jealous of it.  I luxuriated in this candlelit bubble bath and just relaxed.  It was too hot for him, so he just sat alongside the tub with me and played with my hair, and then just left me in there on my own for awhile.  It was ridiculously relaxing.  We talked about work, art, sports, I even told him about Saturday night because I'm compulsively honest and he asked.  That night with Artboy was EXACTLY what I needed. 

I love when I get to have the boyfriend experience with Artboy.  For whatever reason, I decided to let him in on Sunday when I was feeling blue, and I let him make me feel better.  Every now and again, I can do that.  Every now and again, it works.  As dysfunctional as that relationship can be, sometimes the fact that I've known him for 2.5 years works for us.  We're comfortable together.  On the rare occasions when we do journey out into the real world, I know we look and seem like a couple.  Not the over the top newby couple, but the comfortable, settled couple.  The kind that jokes and is affectionate in the easy way, not the nauseating way.  Sure, it's sort of pretend, but it's sort of not.  That comfort is real.  That familiarity and that affection is true.  We just don't let it out of the box very often in the real world.  Usually we save it for when we're alone.

I guess maybe the fact that I can let Artboy in every now and again is a good sign.  Maybe it means that one day, when the time is right, I will be able to let someone else in.  Someone who can offer more than the occasional boyfriend experience, and instead be an actual full time boyfriend. All hope is not lost.  Right now, though?  99.9% of the time I roll solo.  I take care of myself because I can and because I have to.  I am my own best resource.

Book Update

So I finished "Joyland" and "Why We Broke Up" in about a day combined.  Once I set out to finish them I did. 

I really liked "Why We Broke Up".  It was a book I bought after hearing about it, and I purchased it in hardback because it was one of those books that just feels good.  I liked the touch of the pages, and since it was comprised of a lot of illustrations, it just fit better in the old tried and true format.  It was a sweet story and the illustrations gave it a unique twist that I really enjoyed.

"Joyland" was an entertaining read.  Nothing especially remarkable, but a good story with a bit of heart to it.

After that I read "The Silent Wife" in about two and a half days.  It was....strange.  It was one of those books where I didn't like either of the main characters, which always makes me feel a bit disconnected from the story.  I liked "Gone Girl" much better, but it was a good read nonetheless. 

I veered a bit off path after that and ended up buying, "Heartbreak for Dinner: It's Kind of a Long Story" by Annah Rondon.  She's the author of a now defunct blog, Red Means Go that I followed until it's very recent demise.  I think she's just reached that point where that blog has culminated in this book, and it's time to close one chapter and move forward.  I'm bummed because her blog always made me laugh, but I was glad to have the book to read.  It was alternately hilarious and touching, and the end left me wanting more!  She also does little drawings to go with a lot of her blog entries (and book chapters) and they are awesomely entertaining.  I highly recommend it if it's your kind of thing!

Next up:  "The Never List" by Koethi Zan.  Got a sample of it on my Kindle randomly and was hooked.  Immediately bought it and inserted it into my to be read list, right on top.  Sounds like a good psychological thriller, and I'm really thinking this will be a good one!

This concludes the Bluemoon book discussion post for today.  :-)

I'd rather be reading

I've barely read anything all summer.  For the last couple of months I've picked up and put down the same two books multiple times without ever making any real headway in either of them.  Yesterday I picked one of them up ("Why We Broke Up" by Daniel Handler) and finished it.  Last night I picked up the other ("Joyland" by Stephen King) and I made some good progress on it in my morning commute, and I look forward to reading more over lunch.

Sunday I bought two books online via Amazon:  "Heart-Shaped Box" by Joe Hill and "Locke and Key Vol. 1 Welcome to Lovecraft", also by Joe Hill.  Today on my Kindle I bought "Human Remains" by Elizabeth Haynes and "The Silent Wife" by A.S.A. Harrison.  I also ordered probably a dozen samples of other books, and this doesn't acknowledge the fact that I have two books at home waiting to be read: "The Ocean at the End of the Lane" by Neil Gaiman and "Wool Omnibus Edition" by Hugh Howey. 

I LOVE having this many books waiting to be read.  I love the options.  I love that some are Kindle books, some are real books, some have illustrations, some are short, some are long.  I want to throw myself headfirst back into reading with abandon.  I want to become so immersed in a book that I want to read it every spare second, so entranced that I lose track of time.

I've been so busy with real life things lately.  Baseball games, birthday parties, happy hours, movies, training sessions, dinner dates with girlfriends, brunches.  My calendar has been packed and it's been wonderful and I'm doing so many fun things with so many different people.  I've felt exquisitely happy in the last couple of weeks for any number of reasons, and coincidentally, I've gone on no dates in that time period.  It's just been me, my friends, my solo time, and it's been wonderful.

Last night I stayed in and made homemade macaroni and cheese.  Not good for the waistline, but good for the soul.  I have leftovers for lunch today, and I will eat them while I continue to read "Joyland".  All day long all I've thought about is books, and going home to get my books from Amazon, and what one I will read next.  It's kind of intoxicating to have so many choices!

Finally, my lunch hour is here and I get to go spend an hour somewhere else, in another world, with some awesome food to quell my hunger at the same time.  Happy tuesday, indeed.  :-)

stop the madness

Most people use the summer months as motivation to get in shape.  They envision beaches and pools and bikinis and shorts and cute dresses and think about how they should work to look their best in all of these summery things.  Me?  I look at summer and apparently I get hungry.  And lazy.  And indulgent.  And so I eat with abandon, and I slack on going to the gym, but maybe 3x a week instead of the six I used to.  And it shows!

I weighed myself this morning for the first time in MONTHS.  I'd been avoiding the scale because I knew.  I knew I'd lost ground, and I didn't want to see it in front of me.  But today I did it, and it was bad.  I've gained back all of my weight I'd lost except for 4 lbs.  Boo.  But honestly, it could have been worse. 

I surprised myself because I didn't cry about it.  I didn't immediately start berating myself over my lack of self control.  I didn't collapse into a puddle on my bathroom floor full of self-loathing and disgust.  I saw the number.  I logged the number on myfitnesspal.com, and I got in the shower.  Instead of going down the dark road, I squared my shoulders and took stock of things.

I've cut my working out down by half.  Half as many workouts each week on my own, and only one weekly session with my trainer instead of two. 

I've been eating horribly.  Not only by quantity, but by quality.  I still eat fruit, but not as often.  I still eat vegetables, but way less than before.  I've been drinking a lot less water unless it's post-workout.  My sodium and sugar intake have been off the charts.  I've indulged in fast food a lot this summer.

So yeah.  OBVIOUSLY I've gained weight back.  Obviously my skin is breaking out a little bit more again.  Obviously.  What did I expect?

There are a couple silver linings to this dark cloud of a reality check this morning.  One, in spite of the weight gain, I feel like I don't look as overweight as I did last year at this time.  I think that's because I'm still more toned than I was.  Two, I know how to fix this.  I have all the tools to make it right, to get back on track.  I'm not aimless like I was before.  So I'm going to use those tools to get back on the better road.  I'm starting today.

I had a nice bowl of Fiber One Honey Squares with skim milk for breakfast.  I have a bowl of mixed berries for a snack.  I'm going to get a salad for lunch.  I'm going to drink a TON of water today.

Also?  I'm instituting some new rules for myself. 
1) Every morning when I get into work, I'm going to drink a big glass of water before I eat or drink anything else.  It helps get my water intake off to a good start, it makes me feel a little bit fuller, and it's good for my skin!

2) I'm going to make an effort to stop distracted eating.  This morning I noticed I was just blindly shoveling cereal in while reading news online.  I caught myself and stopped.  I took the time to focus on the rest of the cereal and finished it without distraction.  Distraction while eating equals eating more without needing to. 

3) Back to walking up and down more stairs or escalators instead of just taking the free ride.  Every little bit helps!

4) Back to the gym with a goal of 6x/week again.  If I can't swing trainer more often, I just need to make sure I do the strength and toning workout on my own at home once or twice more a week at least. 

5) Sleep.  I'm going to try to get my sleep habits under control during the week.  I can't be staying up until 2am.  Not only do I end up having more hours to feel like I'm hungry when I'm not, it just leaves me feeling exhausted during the day, and gives me an excuse to skip out on the gym.  Not okay anymore!

Tonight I'm going to the store to pick up a few staples that I need when I'm doing the whole eating better thing.  This will mean more preparation the night before of breakfasts and lunches, and more planning for dinners and snacks.  I will have to stop buying the trigger foods I can't control myself with, and absolutely, positively, without fail continue to track my food intake and exercise for at least a month or so to get back on track.

I can totally do this.  I've done it before, and I know exactly why I've gained the weight back.  I know exactly how to lose it again.  Here I go again.  :-)

trust your instincts

Met the Bass Player in November 2011.  Had one date at a sports bar wherein we watched a Redskins game and ate lunch.  After the date we hugged and he told me he wanted to see me again and that he would call me.I messaged him the next day to thank him for lunch and say hi.  He never replied.  I washed my hands of him and moved forward, as that's the same weekend I met Baltimore.

Several months later, the Bass Player reappears in my inbox.  His message says something about me disappearing on him.  I point out that actually it was the opposite.  He claims to have never gotten the message. I don't believe him, but he somehow cons me into agreeing to go out again.  We make plans, which he asks to reschedule at the last minute.  My red flag radar has been going off weakly since he reappeared, but it ramped up at this point, so I kindly demur from the date.  He tells me it's my loss, and I tell him I don't deal well with big egos.  The end.

Now jump to a couple of weeks ago when the Bass Player re-surfaced AGAIN.  My radar is pinging all over the place now, but my IRL friends are encouraging me to give him a chance again.  Why?  I don't know.  But I decide to try because I'm trying to dispel the notion that I give up on people too quickly. 

So we had our lunch, it was fine, but he is BORING.  Nice guy, but no sense of humor, no dynamic personality, and while he's good looking, there's no actual chemistry.  He tells me at the end of the date he wants to see me again, I tell him I'll be out of town the next weekend, so maybe after that.  We exchange maybe 10 texts over the next few days, none of which had any content.  Never did he ask me anything about myself, or try to pin down another date.  I see him on PoF when I'm online checking my messages, I don't give a shit. 

So yesterday he texts me, "So, are you interested in perusing something with me?"  First of all, I'm pretty sure he meant pursuing, but it made me laugh.  I responded and told him that I would be up for going out again if that's what he meant.  He responds and tells me that it bothers him to see me on PoF "talking to other guys", and that if I like him, I should quit sending him mixed messages.

UMMM.  What?  I point out that we had one lunch date that lasted less than an hour, and that I'd barely heard anything from him since, so I did not imagine we were beholden to one another.  I also pointed out that really he hadn't seemed *that* interested, as he'd not made an effort to get to know me since, or to contact me much. 

He tells me he is interested, but that he thinks it's disrespectful to talk to other people when we're talking.  He then asks how I would feel if I bought him dinner and then he was talking to another girl.  I didn't answer because honestly?  One dinner?  I fully expect in online dating that the people I go out with are talking to others.  It's really kind of stupid to expect otherwise, at least after ONE date.  One lackluster date, btw.  If we'd had some insane chemistry and spent 8 hours together talking in depth and bonding, maybe.  But we had a short lunch.  We hugged goodbye.  THE END.

At this point I'm annoyed and I give him the rundown.  You blew me off the first time we went out, then when we talked months later, you told me it was my loss when I opted out of a date with you.  Now you're giving me grief about talking to other people on a dating site after one lunch date? 

He responded with some bullshit, but the main point he ended on was, "It's okay, actions speak louder than words.  I hope you find what you're looking for."

I replied, "I couldn't agree more.  Take care."

Really what I wanted to say was:  GOOD RIDDANCE YOU RIDICULOUS, DELUSIONAL, RED FLAG RIDDEN ASSHOLE.

Shame on me for ignoring my instincts with him not once, but twice.  But more importantly?  Good riddance to the ridiculous, delusional, red flag ridden asshole. 

;-)

scattered summer mind

So it turns out my focus isn't so great during the summer months.  I started a book over a month ago and have barely picked it up, so I'm not even halfway done.  It takes me a week to get through a magazine.  I've not been a prolific blogger, and I can't really say what I've been doing with my time. 

Right now the weather is gorgeous in the DC area.  Cool, breezy mornings and warm, summery evenings.  I spent Thursday-Sunday last weekend at the beach with a group of six girlfriends.  Two days at the beach, two nights at Seacrets night club, dinners, drinks, bonding, clashing, sleeping.  I've lived alone for two and a half years now, so sharing space with that many people for that long was a bit of a challenge!  I had a good time, though, got some color at the beach (and a sunburn, go figure), danced my ass off one night, and met some random POF guy from the DC area who happened to be in the area that weekend as well. 

Beyond that, it's just the same old, same old.  Trying to get back into the consistent, 5x a week gym routine instead of the slacker 3-4  days I've been doing this summer.  Trying to keep my apartment clean.  Watching summer TV.  Anticipating my trip home to Omaha for Labor Day weekend.  Sifting through the detritus of my dating pool, wondering if I'm going to be single forever.

So many of my friends are living lives full of two and three kids, husbands, houses, adult lives.  And then there's me....my biggest concerns are when I'm going to paint my nails before my next pointless date, and doing all the laundry from my beach trip.  Getting to the gym 5x a week instead of 3, forcing myself to cook occasional dinners rather than eating popcorn as a meal.  On the surface, it sounds easy and like a walk in the park, to only have to worry about myself.  But seriously?  I want to worry about someone else again.  I'm starting to get that frustrated feeling again....I have so much to give and no one to give it to, and it alternately makes me sad and makes me angry.

Sometimes I wish I could settle, but other times I'm glad I don't.  I like being alone, but I'm tired of it.  I want more, but I don't know if I can handle more.  It's a life full of contradictions.  Lately when I see couples being affectionate out in the world I find myself rolling my eyes.  People talk about love and relationships and I tune it out. One of my friends goes on a good date, or finds someone they want to be with in the early stages of a relationship, and I feel bitter and jealous.  It's not fair.

I just want football season.  I want to spend my weekends watching hours of football, making chili, going to the gym and watching more football, donning occasional hoodies, trying to get to games, tucking in to my apartment for the evening.  I need a seasonal shift I think.  I sometimes think I am in no fit state for anything else.

This post went in an entirely different direction than I expected.