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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

smile like you mean it

Today I'm all fake smiles.  I don't know why.  I was going to take a selfie to send to Artboy, as we often exchange such things.  I tried, but the smile in the picture was so fake.  I feel ugly right now.  I can't work around it.  I regret the dress I wore today even though I got compliments on it.  I feel like my hair is a mess even though I got compliments on it as well.  And my skin?  Well, my skin is a legitimate disaster.  I am so crazy broken out right now.  It makes me so frustrated, and so I am chugging water, and tonight I'm going to switch out my stupid pillowcases again, and I've been religious about using my facial cleanser and treatments the last several days.  As soon as I conquer one or two, two more pop up and it's pissing me off.  I feel fiercely unattractive, and knowing that I have a supposed date on Saturday makes it worse.  I do NOT want to show up like this.  I'm working hard to try to improve the situation before that.

Last night I went home and fell asleep on the couch until almost 10pm.  I've been doing this too often lately.  I think it's all a vicious cycle.  I've been working out less, eating worse, going to sleep too late.  Ultimately I'm just not taking good care of myself, and my body is showing it both in appearance and behavior.  I have to do better.  I am old enough to know better. 

I need to drink a ton of water. I need to stop eating so much damn sugar, eat more lean meats and proteins and veggies.  I need to get better sleep.  Keep with my gym routine.  I just need to do better.  I feel better when I do better, I need to keep reminding myself.

I think the heat is also not helping this week.  My commute home is just gross.  Hot trains, hot bus stops, being soaked in sweat by the time I get home.  Not cool.  It's draining, too.  Last night I was supposed to cook myself dinner, do laundry, go to the gym.  Instead I slept.  Now all of those plans have been bumped to tonight instead and I have no choice but to just buckle down and do them.  No more stupid evening long naps.  If I fueled my body with actual food instead of carbs and sugar, I wouldn't be so tired!  Argh, I'm frustrated with myself.

This is a ranty post and I didn't really mean it to be.

Sidenote:  Tattooed Guy disappeared, essentially stomping away with his toys ages ago.  He has a chip on his shoulder about people judging him based on his appearance, and no ability to at least admit that he's made it challenging at best with all of the 50 thousand ways he's altered his body and appearance.  He was a big old victim, and it was a huge turn off.

8 comments:

  1. This weather is awful. I don't complain about the cold usually as I've picked summer to be my hated season. I HATE summers here now. They're too hot. Metro has only exacerbated this. Anddd I'm just a big ole ray of sunshine - sorry! I hope it cools down for both our sakes. The heat also does NOT help the skin.

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    1. You know, that's a good point about the heat and my skin. I'm sure all the sweat is not helping me out. Must remember to rinse face off after getting home from work or after being outside!

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  2. I feel your pain re: fitness/health slump. I'm a perpetual healthy eater, but the wine and the dark chocolate are adding up too, too quickly. And wanting to sleep in rather than hit the gym before work.

    The victim mentality is so very unappealing in anyone, men or friends. We all have issues, but a mature person finds a way to deal!

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    1. Yeah, I need to re-focus! Can't believe I'm slacking in the summer when I have the most vested need to look good in less clothing LOL.

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  3. So sorry to hear you're having some struggles. Once you get a few on-track days in a row under your belt, I bet you'll feel much better about everything. What I hate about breakouts is that I notice I get them sometimes a slightly overdone weekend of drinking... And not only do those yucky things pop up, but I notice my complexion looks pretty awful in general. Boo. Why can't we have fun without consequences?

    A couple weeks ago, I got a huge pimple right on the middle of my cheekbone line, right in time for a first date with a super cute guy. It didn't affect his decision to keep asking me out though, and the zit was gone in time for date #2. I hope the same for you! Many people are forgiving of breakouts...just need a little extra makeup on date night. :/

    On other note, thanks for the update on Tattooed Guy! I was wondering, but it's too bad that the chip on his shoulder outweighed what otherwise seemed like a good personality.

    Hang in there!

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    1. I haven't drank in a couple of weeks, so I don't know what the deal is! Hormones, sweat, take your pick, LOL.

      Yeah, I'm really hoping I'm cleared up mostly by date day. I always feel like covering it makes it more obvious on me!

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  4. I hear you on the weather, too. My walk to/from Metro is maybe 30 minutes combined, but I'm sweating like crazy. I actually had a sweat mark on the back of my blouse when I got in my office today, which I've never had happen... is this the joy of getting older? ;)

    Sometimes when my face is being a total dick about breakouts, I use the 10% Benzoyl Peroxide bar that I normally use on my body on my face and let it sit there before rinsing off. It tends to nuke all the bacteria that's lying in wait. :)

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    1. I think it's one of the joys of it just being gross out, LOL. NOT A FAN. Two more days of this kind of crazy heat and supposedly we get a little break...

      Yeah, my skin sucks. I'm drying the bejesus out of it in order to get rid of the breakout. Sigh.

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