Scrambled

My thoughts are all crazy and scrambled right now about so many different little things...CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!

**Now that I finished watching "The Fall" on Netflix, I think my next viewing adventure may be "Twin Peaks".  Never saw it, always wanted to!  Boyfriend is starting "Breaking Bad" today, as he took today and tomorrow off.  I was initially jealous because a year ago we talked about watching the entirety of that together since neither of us had seen it, but now I'm not sure if I was just miffed because I thought I should be.  BB is one of those shows I feel like i would probably appreciate, but there are so many seasons and I don't ANTICIPATE watching it, you know?

**I'm so tired of winter.  If it's not going to snow and be pretty, I'm not interested.  I had to put on warmup tights underneath my work pants today before going out to catch my bus, and my hat is seriously cramping my cute hair efforts these days.  Sigh.  Come on, spring!

**I am NOT looking forward to trainer tonight.  I know I'll feel good after I go, but right now I just feel like going home and laying on my living room floor.

**Bought plane tickets for us to Omaha for May for my family reunion.  BF will finally meet my family after nearly a year and a half of dating!

**Last night BF and I talked a lot about our future cohabitation.  I was really showing my nerves, but eventually got pretty excited about it.  We were talking about where my things would go at his place, the new things we would have to get, the changes we would make.  After a big old "thing" last week, I realized that BF is not ready to sell his place just yet, and is really not ready to sell in order to go rent somewhere.  I reminded myself of the pride of home ownership and how challenging it is to let it go when it's the first real adult thing you've done.  BF's idea is that we instead live at his place (!!??!!) for awhile to a) save money to buy a future place and b) get used to living with each other.  After that is deemed a success, we start seriously looking at buying a place together.
  * I will keep my apt. for the time being, but once we're sure it's going well, I'll look into breaking the lease early, wherein I only have to pay on the lease until they fill the apt.  My complex doesn't stay empty long, so I'm not terribly worried about that.

**This whole thing freaks me out.  I've been up and down the spectrum on my feelings on this, and I've swung through the lows and the highs.  I know it makes sense.  I know BF will do everything he can to make this work for me since I will be the one giving up more.  I believe him.  But...still.  It's hard.  I worry about being the only one actually sacrificing.  I worry about my commute (GOD, do I worry about that).  I worry about being really far away from my friends, my gym, my trainer, my Drs. and Chinese delivery places and all the things I know.

I worry about feeling like a guest in HIS home, even though he says I can put my things around anywhere I want, including all of my art and knicknacks.  He says he wants it to be OUR home, and that he's not worried about sharing a place with me.

I worry about never being alone.  He'll have time off between when he gets home from work and when I do.  He'll have time b/c I am an errands person, and I need that for a mental break sometimes, and because I still plan to belong to a gym, and get out and about.  But I fear that I won't have that.  He's a big homebody.  Yes, it's a three story townhouse...but I worry.

Sometimes there's nothing more that I want than to come home to my own empty home, save for my cat, and dress like a slouch, and eat the diet of a 12 year old with no supervision, and watch The Bachelor on DVR before I dance around my bedroom like a fool to music only I could love at volumes only I can enjoy.  I like to make silly meals and not do the dishes until the next day.

I worry that I will never feel like his place is my place, and that the loss of something that's exclusively mine will be harder than I imagine, or give me Angry Ex flashbacks to when I moved in with him and never felt at home.

I am so terrified that giving up my solo apartment will somehow result in me giving up solo Jaime, and that I will lose myself in a person again, and have to crawl back out of that hole when I realize it's an error to do that to yourself.

I'm so torn between excitement about the possibilities of a new living arrangement, our cats always being together, never having to leave him or sleep without him...while also panicking that I'll never GET to sleep without him again on a regular basis, I'll never GET to leave if he's driving me nutty.

In summary, I am ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I keep reminding myself that this is not a true, binding commitment.  It will all be done in phases, where I'll have the option of my apartment for a couple/few months at first, I'll have my own space if I need it in the interim.  And then once I give up the apartment, I will officially be living there, but I can move out anytime I want.  No, it wouldn't be easy, but it would be doable, as I wouldn't be locked into anything.  And by the time we get to the part where I would be locked in, I'd theoretically be GOOD with being locked in, because right now so much of the uncertainty is about this in between stage, this transition, this fear that I won't be able to take truly good care of myself in the ways I've been practicing for years.  This insecurity that I really haven't learned, and that by doing this I'm giving something up, not gaining something.

It's hard.  It's a lot.  It's resonating in the weirdest ways, like me obsessing over how I don't want to have to answer "Histown'sname" when people ask me where I live.  I'm an Alexandria girl.  I love being an Alexandria girl.  I don't want to concede defeat and have my mail go to Histown, or to change all of my information everywhere and feel like I've given in, I've lost, I'm the only one sacrificing and does that mean I'm resentful?  I want to be OK with whatever choice I make.  I just want to be happy and healthy and thoughtful and smart and aware.

Calgon, take me away.  God, I miss those commercials.  If only a good bubble bath could clear some of this fog in my head!