Blocked

I have started and deleted this post a dozen times.  It has had half a dozen different Post Titles, half a dozen different variations of topics.  My mind is just ambivalent and disorganized today.  I think I need to just embrace the anarchy in my brain and be okay with a totally disjointed post.  I like logic, I like order, but sometimes the things I'm carrying around inside don't all magically fall into place like I wish they would.

Ghosts of Relationships Past
I had a dream last night about another ex, M.  We dated for a year after ex-H and I split.  He has since remarried and this summer had his first child, a little girl.  We haven't spoken since before the baby was born.  In my dream, he had his baby with him.  It's weird how these people just pop up in my subconscious sometimes.  For a long time I thought our breakup was a matter of poor timing for our relationship.  However, we tried a friendship last year and it ended fairly acrimoniously, and I realized that we are not a good match.  He's an arrogant know it all and that would have driven me up the wall.  It did, in fact, drive me up the wall when we dated.  Anyway, random!

Olfactory Musings
The last date I went on courtesy of my old online dating profile was with a perfectly lovely guy.  However, the smell of his cologne made me physically ill.  He hugged me goodbye (and gave me an undesired, unsolicited peck on the lips), and I found that I smelled like him the rest of the night. I changed clothes when I got home because I was going to the gym, and I STILL SMELLED LIKE HIM.  It must have gotten into my hair or something!  It actually made my stomach churn. No matter how nice that guy was, in a million years I could never have stood to be around that smell all the time. 

On the other hand, some people smell so good that it makes me more attracted to them than I would have been otherwise.  Angry ex wore a certain scent when we first started dating and I LOVED it.  It was divine.  Of course as we continued dating he rotated scents and only wore that one upon request, so maybe that was a contributing factor to our demise.  ;-) 

Baltimore used to sometimes smell really good, but I think his was just his body wash. Whatever, it worked!  Some people smell really good without cologne, others wear cologne that just WORKS for me.  All I know is that scent matters.  I've been strangely disappointed sometimes when I've gone out with a guy who didn't have a distinct scent.  No scent is better than awful, cloying scent, but I have to admit that a guy with a signature smell that I always associate with him, that lingers on my clothes and skin after he leaves as a reminder, is kind of awesome.

Things I Miss
I am strong.  I am independent.  I am doing a kick ass job of doing things for me, taking care of me, improving me.  But I'll tell you, I miss having a person to curl up with.  I miss having a shoulder to lean on, a crook of an arm to sleep in.  I miss having a too big hoodie to steal because the borrowed ones from someone you like always feel special somehow.  I miss having someone to watch football with all saturday long, someone to pick me up a coffee on their way home.  Someone to sleep in with.  Someone who knows me and likes me, or even loves me, who wants to kiss me and who I want to kiss back.

I am illogically introspective and kind of grumpy today.  I'm glad I have no real set plans for the weekend.  I want to just get all of my stupid workouts done each day, then spend a TON of time just catching up on DVR, doing my own thing.  It's what I'm best at, anyway!