Still around

I'm still here, following the blogs of others, ignoring my own.  :-)  I'm doing much better.  Saw my therapist Monday, going back again Tuesday of next week.  Joined a gym and have actually gone!  Making lots of plans with different friends trying to remember to keep my horizons broad and interesting.  I am really looking forward to the next several days.  I foresee lots of scary movies and Halloween shows, pumpkin carving, seed roasting, haunted housing, and general holiday merriment.  There will be brunches and lunches and maybe a date in there somewhere. 

This week I am texting someone new, talking to someone else new, and trying to keep it all in perspective.  It's entertaining for the time being, but nothing to hang a ton of expectations on.

I'm proud of myself for taking control again.  I've been keeping up better with things around the apartment, trying to take better care of myself.  I also have some other things in the works, but those shall remain unidentified until I sort them out.  Rest assured that they are good things, though, nothing bad lurking there.

National Novel Writing Month starts Tuesday.  I have not yet brainstormed a single plot idea, but I hope to.  October is almost over, and October inspires me.  Fall inspires me.  We'll see what I can come up with!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm still here, and I'm doing okay.  :-)

Remix in progress

So, I'm feeling a lot better today.  After my little breakdown sunday night, I got a little more focused about what I needed to do to get myself out of this slump.  I was still a big, emotional mess yesterday, don't get me wrong.  I was in one of those places  where anyone asking me how I was or if I was okay sent me teetering on the verge of tears.  Just what you want at work! 

However, in spite of this, I was productive. Very productive.  I got the several lingering practical tasks off of my list of things to do, of which I'd finally made a new version.  I did them all in quick succession in one of our phone rooms here at work, and bam, 10 minutes later I was done.  I also made an appointment for Monday with my old therapist.  It was the earliest appointment she had, but I figure it will be good to give myself a week to recalibrate on my own and see where I stand.  I get three sessions free through my work's employee assistance program, so I may as well take advantage.

Last night R came over and I had cooked us dinner.  Chicken sauteed with garlic and other seasonings plus broccoli, green beans, red peppers and zucchini, all over jasmine rice.  It was so good to have a real meal, cooked by me, and I have leftovers for tonight. Score!  R and I watched Monday Night  Football and just hung out, and it was nice. 

After he left, I played a little with my online dating site because really, in spite of what I say, I never quite give up.  I've encountered more than a couple oversexed jerks lately, but I guess that's bound to happen sometimes.  I talked to a couple of nice enough guys, but nothing super magical, and I logged off eventually.  I do admit I stayed up too late last night, but again, that's also bound to happen on occasion.  Overall I've been doing a little better getting to bed earlier. 

Tonight I'm going to check out a couple of gyms.  I need that physical outlet, but I also need to find one that's affordable, preferably without locking me into some long contract.  I know, I know, but a girl can dream.  We'll see.  R also invited me over for a movie night, but that depends on how efficient I am with my other must-do tasks!

Anyway, just wanted to check in.  Yesterday's post was pretty gloom and doom, and while everything is not perfect, things do feel better today.

Epiphany

I think I've realized why I attract the broken toys, at long last.  It's because I, myself, am a broken toy.  At least I feel like one lately.

I am so disillusioned.  I am tired of bad dates with boring people.  I am tired of people who don't respect my time enough to show up for things when they say they will.  I am tired of people who blow off plans with me, or hedge their bets to see if they get any better offers before committing. 

I'm over douchebags on those dating sites who have the nerve to ask me if they can crash on my couch after a first date (before we've even had said first date).  I'm over "friends" who are the first to jump on me for any perceived slight, but who are totally oblivious to the complete rudness and thoughtlessness they inflict on me frequently.

Lately I have just felt tired.  I got blown off by half a dozen people Saturday night, and I ended up staying home, watching TV, and crawling into bed at 10:30.  This is UNHEARD OF for me.  I was asleep before 11pm.  I woke up at 9:30 in the morning, was awake for maybe 3-4 hours before spending most of the afternoon sleeping.  Did I mention I'm just tired?

My life is all wrong lately.  I'm finding myself back at that point where my friendships feel one-sided, I can't find someone sane to date to save my life, and I just feel lost, directionless, aimless.  I've felt rather depressed lately, honestly.  It's a chore to do the things I need to do, and all I really want to do is stay home and lay around, or sleep.  I'm just so tired and my mind is jumbled all the time.  I can't even organize myself enough to make a list of things to do, which is something I've always done to an insane degree.

I cried for about an hour last night to my mom about all of this.  How lost I feel. I  don't even know who I am anymore.  I have no energy, no motivation.  I felt somewhat better at the end of the convo, and we talked about things I need to do to get me out of this place.  I've done it before, I've pulled myself up and out from worse situations.  I will do it again.

Things I'm going to do:
Look into joining a gym again.  I desperately need a good physical outlet, and my current way of dealing with my stress is to just drive and drive aimlessly.  Fine on occasion, but not a good long term solution.  I need some way to get rid of all this excess nervous energy I get sometimes.

See about meeting up with my old therapist again.  I need a talking outlet, a good unbiased one who will tell me the hard truths.

I made a list of things to do, finally.  It was a small start.  Also, today I have a goal of taking care of 3 lingering issues I've been avoiding (practical life stuff that's just seemed like too much work).  Tonight R is coming over and I'm cooking dinner and I will NOT lay like a lump by myself for 6 hours or cry in the shower.

Something has to give.

Off.

Discombobulated.  Askew.  Awry.  Off kilter.  Out of whack.  Wrong.

Everything feels like such a chaotic, aimless, disorganized mess right now.  I told a friend last week that I have been feeling like each day I wake up, and someone has taken all the parts of my life, put them in a box, shaken them up, and dumped them out haphazardly.  There is no rhyme or reason to anything, just a different sense of disorder each day. 

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, and I have no purpose, no goals, nothing I'm working towards.  There is not a single thing I care enough about to invest any measure of time or effort in.  I can't focus long enough to get anywhere.  I have been struggling to read a very easy read of a book, I just don't care.  I'm normally a person who goes through books like crazy, and I've been trying to read this stupidly light book for two weeks now.  I can't focus enough to come up with anything to write about. 

I skip from Facebook to LJ to blogs to IM to texting to TV to sleeping to just laying around doing absolutely nothing, feeling tired.  I am running myself down by staying up too late for no reason, I am exhausting myself emotionally by continually testing my own personal boundaries.  I am muddled and lost and I don't know how to fix it.

I know logically there are things I should do.  I should get back into working out.  It will give me more energy, give me a productive outlet for the jumble of things in my head.  I should start getting to bed earlier, start winding down sooner, get into better bedtime habits.  I should drink more water, fewer sugary coffee drinks.  Eat more fruits and veggies and fish, snack less.  Force myself to sit down and either read or write for an hour each day, just to give my mind decompression time.  Be more social instead of hiding.

I hid most of the weekend.  I ran errands on my own friday night, turning down an invite to hang with R.  Saturday I slept in, woke for a couple hours, then napped off and on all day.  I watched football that night, after again turning down an invite to hang with R.  I went to the grocery store at 11:30pm because I decided I wanted to make chili, which I did that night when I got back.

Sunday.....I ran more errands.  Solo.  No invites to do anything, and I would have turned them down anyway.  I watched football and DVR when I wasn't out running around.  Got about 15% of the apartment chores done that needed to be done.  I just couldn't bring myself to bother.  I felt lazy.

Monday.  I finally got out of the house.  Met a friend for lunch and hung out for a couple hours.  Lazy few hours at home in the afternoon.  Coffee date at 6:30 that lasted until about 9.  Hung out with a friend for a few hours after.  Mission accomplished:  A social day.

Why do I feel so blah lately?  I'm so tired of feeling so untethered.  I feel so unattached to things.  Sure, I was finally social Monday, but when I think about doing that all the time...Ugh.  I'd rather just go home and be on my own.  I guess maybe this is just a phase, but I do know I need to do something about it.  I just feel off. 

I need to create a new routine.  One that's better for me.  And in addition to the new routine, I need to do some things that are out of the routine, but still good for me.  Meet some new people, hang out with someone different.  Go on a day trip just to do it, even if I'm on my own.  That might be a good solo thing to try.  I just need something MORE.

Wow. I actually am learning.

The guy I posted about from last week....I thought that since I hadn't heard from him since the Wednesday debacle, he was going to be the one person who didn't come back to me.  I was wrong.

Tonight around 11:15, I got a call while I was on the phone with my mom.  I looked to see who it was and saw his name on the caller ID.  In spite of my mom's protests, I told her I would call her back after I took this call.

He sounded like his old self.  The one I'd spoken to on the phone for hours upon hours.  The one I spent an evening video chatting with.  The one I'd confided in, who'd confided in me.  The one I was fiercely attracted to. I was not my normal self in the call.  I was more clipped.  He said "It's INSERT NAME HERE."  I said I knew, my caller ID had told me as much.  He joked "What, it didn't say Mr. Wonderful?"  NO.

He asked how I had been.  I said I was good.  I asked how he was.  He told me he was still getting over being sick.  He told me he'd missed talking to me, and that he'd been thinking about me for the last couple of days.  I said something like "Hmm" or "Ahh."  He again asked how I was doing.

"I don't think we are a good match."  That's what I told him then.  Miniscule moment of silence, and then he said "Ok", and I said "Ok" and he said goodbye.

So there it was.  For the first time in my life, I saw the red flags and cut it off before I got entangled.  I stood up for what was best for me.  I didn't explain myself at length, I didn't cry, I didn't justify.  I just directly told him the bottom line:  we were not a good match.

My instincts retroactively yearned to have explained.  To have told him exactly why. But you know what?  He knows why.  In all those hours of conversation, I told him about my past relationships.  My patterns I was trying hard to break.  What I was NOT looking for.  How I was going to try to get involved in something good for me for once.  He knew all of that.  And even still, he acted out.  He lived down to exactly what I am trying to avoid.  He definitively showed me that he is another person who is not ready for an adult relationship.  Another person who is not ready for me and what I have to offer.

In spite of myself, I do feel bad.  I felt very weird and discombobulated after the call because I've honestly never addressed something so directly and honestly, before it hurt me deeply.  I've never cut something negative off at the pass like that.

It was hard seeing his name come up on caller ID because for a split second, I got that happy rush I associated with the old version of him, pre Wednesday.  I was excited to see his name.  And when I picked up, he sounded like his old self.  Cheerful, funny, sweet.  And I wanted so badly to just be able to accept that and move forward.

But I couldn't.  I know better now, like it or not.  I know that those red flags would come back.  I know that these good moments would not last, and that eventually he'd hurt me again, or disappoint me, or show me I was wrong to forgive him so easily.  I saw the future with this person, and it was like a carbon copy of past relationships that went wrong.

The sad thing is that I still think he is a good person.  I don't hate him.  Deep down, and someday, I hope that the good I saw in him will come out and be appreciated.  But right now it's all mixed up with the bad.  Right now it is in hiding and he doesn't know how to deal with it, and I can't be the one to fix it.  I can't be the one to convince him how good he is, how worthwhile he is.  I can't be the one who bears the brunt of his frustration with the world because I'm the only one he really lets in.  It's not fair to me.  It never was.

I know I hurt him.  But he hurt me, and I did nothing to deserve it.  And then he called me days later and an apology was never offered.  That should have been the first thing out of his mouth. But it wasn't, and that just proves again that this is another person who can't see past themselves just yet.  Another person to whom I would be second fiddle to.  An afterthought.  Someone to emotionally drain and take advantage of without giving anything back.

I did the right thing tonight.  I am proud of myself.  I finally have some tangible proof that I am starting to learn from my mistakes.

But it still hurts.  It is still disappointing.  It's still hard.  But I did it.

Progress

If you tell me you're not a good person, I'm going to believe you.
If you tell me you are not nice, I will trust you are telling the truth.
If you show me you are not worth my time, that you are too broken, I will heed your warning.
I'm finally listening to what the world is telling me.

Honestly?

Right now, in this moment, I want to just give up.  Oops, I did it again.  My radar for finding the most broken toy in the box did not fail me.  I've invested HOURS and HOURS with this latest individual.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that last week we spent probably 15 hours on the phone, for time periods of 2 to 5 hours at a time.  Fifteen hours.  Then we met on Friday night, and I was so happy because at long last, I found someone I clicked with intellectually and physically.

Cut to today, wednesday (technically thursday now) and he showed his crazy flag.  He's just as broken as the rest of them have been.  Maybe more so, or maybe he just showed me how screwed up he was so early that it felt more significant.  I feel so many different things right now.

I'm pissed.  Why the hell do I keep picking people like this?  What is innately wrong with me that I gravitate towards this bullshit?

I'm disappointed.  I allowed myself to get my hopes up, and they got smashed into smithereens again.

I'm sad.  Hurt.  Frustrated.  I can't believe I did this again.  I keep reminding myself that at least I found out early this time.  I saw the red flags and I'm heeding them.  At least there is growth in the midst of my own completely screwed up process.

I should have known it was too good to be true.